BEING HONEST, comments please
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
BEING HONEST, comments please
i still haven't heard from legal aide and i left another message, but i'm having the hardest time with getting divorced and i just don't know why. i know that this marriage is over, i know that it is really really toxic and i know that i do not want him here until he's gone and even then the thought of him being around me, makes my skin crawl. i just don't understand, i'm not in love with him anymore, i don't trust him at all, and i know that there is absolutely nothing left for me to do but get a divorce. so why is it so hard.
i wished that i had the money to go ahead and get it over. comment please
i wished that i had the money to go ahead and get it over. comment please
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
Oh my, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I was the same way though if I'm hearing you right. I didn't want him gone, I didn't want him there. Oh let me rephrase that, I wanted him there on MY terms and how I saw fit. My skin crawled too. I guess for me I just get so used to the crap and chaos that when things mellow out and I am in reality on the right path to better things, it just feels so odd, so unnatural for me that I creep back into the "thinking I want" the bad stuff back???? Don't really know if that makes sense or not, but for some reason that is just how it has seemed in my life and experiences. I will keep you in my prayers!
grateful rca
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
thanks cook, what you are saying makes plenty of sense to me, only with my ah, i don't want him here, and i want him gone. i think that i'd feel better if i thought he wanted to be here but i think that he probably feel the same way as i do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
It still sucks, the whole "ending" thing. I feel for you, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Do you have a support network where you live? I mean do you go to meetings, or talk on the phone to anyone going through this and just for all kinds of things?
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
I felt the same way, teke, for so many years. I think it is just because we are addicted to the addict. That's why they call us 'co'dependent. We get hooked on the drama and the chaos and the extreme highs and lows. Then when it is peaceful we don't know how to handle it.
I have come to the (not so pretty) realization that, for me, I was hooked on the 'noble wife who will stand by her man' martyr thing as well. It fed my ego when people would tell me how 'strong' I was for sticking it out, or how wonderful my kids were and it had to be because of me. I wasn't strong at all, I was too weak to break away, and any good in my kids is from God, not from me, because I was one messed-up woman....
The things we know, even though they are toxic and hurtful, are more 'comfortable' than the unknown. So we hold on to them with a death grip. At least I did.
It does get better every day that he is gone, though, and I am learning a lot about myself that I never had time to even think about. Addiction to the addict is just as powerful as addiction to a drug and just as hard to kick. But you can do it!
I have come to the (not so pretty) realization that, for me, I was hooked on the 'noble wife who will stand by her man' martyr thing as well. It fed my ego when people would tell me how 'strong' I was for sticking it out, or how wonderful my kids were and it had to be because of me. I wasn't strong at all, I was too weak to break away, and any good in my kids is from God, not from me, because I was one messed-up woman....
The things we know, even though they are toxic and hurtful, are more 'comfortable' than the unknown. So we hold on to them with a death grip. At least I did.
It does get better every day that he is gone, though, and I am learning a lot about myself that I never had time to even think about. Addiction to the addict is just as powerful as addiction to a drug and just as hard to kick. But you can do it!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Limbo teke...if you're at all like me.
Once I know what it is I need to do, I can become very impatient with everyone else who doesn't see the emergency.
So why don't we just act as if its a done deal, emotionally that is, and stay on the follow up to make it legal?
You're a strong gal Teke...your day to shine is right around the bend
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Once I know what it is I need to do, I can become very impatient with everyone else who doesn't see the emergency.
So why don't we just act as if its a done deal, emotionally that is, and stay on the follow up to make it legal?
You're a strong gal Teke...your day to shine is right around the bend
((((Hugs))))
Cece
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by duet_4-8 
I felt the same way, teke, for so many years. I think it is just because we are addicted to the addict. That's why they call us 'co'dependent. We get hooked on the drama and the chaos and the extreme highs and lows. Then when it is peaceful we don't know how to handle it.
I have come to the (not so pretty) realization that, for me, I was hooked on the 'noble wife who will stand by her man' martyr thing as well. It fed my ego when people would tell me how 'strong' I was for sticking it out, or how wonderful my kids were and it had to be because of me. I wasn't strong at all, I was too weak to break away, and any good in my kids is from God, not from me, because I was one messed-up woman....
The things we know, even though they are toxic and hurtful, are more 'comfortable' than the unknown. So we hold on to them with a death grip. At least I did.
It does get better every day that he is gone, though, and I am learning a lot about myself that I never had time to even think about. Addiction to the addict is just as powerful as addiction to a drug and just as hard to kick. But you can do it!
I have come to the (not so pretty) realization that, for me, I was hooked on the 'noble wife who will stand by her man' martyr thing as well. It fed my ego when people would tell me how 'strong' I was for sticking it out, or how wonderful my kids were and it had to be because of me. I wasn't strong at all, I was too weak to break away, and any good in my kids is from God, not from me, because I was one messed-up woman....
The things we know, even though they are toxic and hurtful, are more 'comfortable' than the unknown. So we hold on to them with a death grip. At least I did.
It does get better every day that he is gone, though, and I am learning a lot about myself that I never had time to even think about. Addiction to the addict is just as powerful as addiction to a drug and just as hard to kick. But you can do it!
yeah, i appreciate the encouragement, but i don't think i'm as strong as others seem to think that i am, im so tired of feeling like i have to look strong when deep inside, i want to just scream 'I CAN'T TAKE NO MORE" do this make any sense to anyone>
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm presuming from your post that legal aid is assisting you with this divorce, yes?
If that is the case, then just keep after them because they probably take their time knowing that many people change their minds, some several times.
The important thing to remember is that a divorce is just a legal piece of paper, but your life is ongoing, with or without it.
Keep doing what is right for you, focus on your positive future instead and all the good new beginnings ahead of you and eventually it will all fall into place.
Hugs
If that is the case, then just keep after them because they probably take their time knowing that many people change their minds, some several times.
The important thing to remember is that a divorce is just a legal piece of paper, but your life is ongoing, with or without it.
Keep doing what is right for you, focus on your positive future instead and all the good new beginnings ahead of you and eventually it will all fall into place.
Hugs
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I felt bad in my divorce as well. It was the end of something.. and most of that was my dream and not his. The relationship was done, and I was the first one in my family to get a divorce.
It was very hard to decide to do and it took a lot of sacrifice on my part.. I lost my farm and my animals and the rest. Broke my heart. If I had stayed it would have broken my spirit too.
It was very hard to decide to do and it took a lot of sacrifice on my part.. I lost my farm and my animals and the rest. Broke my heart. If I had stayed it would have broken my spirit too.
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
well ann, i'm hoping that they will take my case but i'm stll trying to get them to return my call. they say that someone should contact me within 24 hrs and i've been calling since last month. they are taking divorce cases only and i do think that i qualify but i'm yet to hear from them, i left another message today.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
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Originally Posted by teke
i don't think i'm as strong as others seem to think that i am, im so tired of feeling like i have to look strong when deep inside, i want to just scream 'I CAN'T TAKE NO MORE" do this make any sense to anyone>
I posted a thread a few weeks ago about hitting my bottom. Here's a link to it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-year-ago.html
I will be praying for you!!
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
duet, thanks for sharing that link, i needed to read that, it carries a lot of hope for me.
i got my first returned call from legal aide only to get another number and another chance to leave my name and number, but the first lady that i talked to, after a few questions, told me that she was sure that would they would be able to help me.
i got my first returned call from legal aide only to get another number and another chance to leave my name and number, but the first lady that i talked to, after a few questions, told me that she was sure that would they would be able to help me.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hey Teke... for me, I know I hung onto my first marriage to Mr. Big because I was so afraid of FAILURE!!
And divorce just SCREAMED failure, to me.
In fact, he finally could not take the chaos anymore, and it was he who had to finally file.
Today, I think I've lost some of that - perhaps because the kids are grown, or perhaps because our relationship got so much stronger after the counseling and remarriage... and the Alanon.
But it was STRONG in me. And because I never, ever, EVER thought of myself as a "perfectionist", I didn't recognize that as the source for my fear. I just know (in retrospect) that I was talking all the time about leaving, and never taking the action.
Alanon is helping me with this... if you don't already attend, now might be a good time to start.
(((Teke)))
And divorce just SCREAMED failure, to me.
In fact, he finally could not take the chaos anymore, and it was he who had to finally file.
Today, I think I've lost some of that - perhaps because the kids are grown, or perhaps because our relationship got so much stronger after the counseling and remarriage... and the Alanon.
But it was STRONG in me. And because I never, ever, EVER thought of myself as a "perfectionist", I didn't recognize that as the source for my fear. I just know (in retrospect) that I was talking all the time about leaving, and never taking the action.
Alanon is helping me with this... if you don't already attend, now might be a good time to start.
(((Teke)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Well Teke, After all these years of being with him through the ups and downs, it's hard to cut those ties even if you know it is the very best thing to do. Be strong and don't turn around and look back, that just makes it harder. Look forward to your future with drama, headaches, and heartaches. Things will be ok, you'll see.
((HUGS))
Sandy
((HUGS))
Sandy
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