Aristo

Today I have been sober for 135 days.

I feel like I am starting again with my life. After losing my house, my relationship, money, self esteem and dignity - I have been thinking of how I can rebuild all that I have lost due to my disease. It is quite daunting.

I have conflict over what I want to do for a job, what I am doing, and what my HP put me here to do.

I am realising defects of character that I never new I had , or have popped up recently.

I am not doing all the suggested things - ie no sponsor and not working the steps -

I am regularly going to meetings and talking to a select circle (very small one) of friends.

I am isolating a little and am fearful of attending social functions that involve alcohol

I am not managing my finances as well as I could.

I am not eating as well as I could

I am not exercising as much as I should

I am not keeping my place tidy.

I am very grumpy with myself.

I am spending way too much time and money on my car and material things - and not practicing the spiritual aspects that I should.

I am spending way too much time in head pondering the future and the past.

I am not meditating daily as I should be

I am not asking for help

I am not sharing my feelings.

I am staying up way too late

I am focussing on the negative, not the positive.

I am not journaling, writing daily gratitude lists or checking in daily.

I am not ringing people

I am avoiding conflict.

I am procrastinating my last two tax returns

I seek pleasure in chocolate and ice cream to make myself feel better

I have cut down on coffee but am still drinking way too much.

I am getting headaches daily, I know what I should be doing to fix these, but am not.

I feel that my life was in much better order when I was drinking to what it is now.

My black and white / extreme thinking wants to fix all these things at once, but my ego/addict tells me it is all to hard.

I am not practicing moderation in all things.

I am finding it very hard to think of just 5 things to be grateful for, daily.

I think that's enough, otherwise I will become really depressed.......

In summary - I guess I am not traveling to well - But I haven't picked up a drink or even want to.

stone

You sound pretty normal to me! Congrats on the 135 days, that is awesome!
As for your list-well you have a good handle on what you want to fix and I am sure over time you will. Take it easy on yourself mate.

Aducksdelight

You've made it clear from your list that there are many things about your current life that are bothering you. You are mature and able enough to put those thoughts on paper and express to other people that you want to change these things about your life. That means you can change them. Look at your list again. Is there one thing on there you can begin to accomplish today? Right now? Take it one step at a time and try not to overdo yourself. Don't get so emotionally upset that the pain you are in overwhelms the pain of using, that's huge. You've done well in your sobriety and your list is familiar to me (and doubtless to others here) and you sound normal. One of those things you listed you actually accomplished--you are reaching out for help. Take baby steps. You can't fix everything in one day but you can make improvements right now. Be easy on yourself and take it slow. Good luck!

BaldHeadedJohn

Hello Aristo,

I think a lot of people sort of hit a wall every now and then, where things just don't seem to be happening fast enough, or what is happening is not what you really want.

My only advice is to not be too hard on yourself, and as Stone and Duck mentioned, work on just one thing at a time. Once you identify what's bothering you, you can now start the work needed fix them.

Blessings to you.

BHJ

Rowan

Hi Aristo,

I identified strongly with your list. And I agree with the sentiments expressed above, that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I'll try to do the same

What I WOULD do is prioritize. I think it's very important that you see yourself isolating from others. I would get to many, many meetings, get a sponsor (a temp if you must), and start revisiting the steps. Maybe start a BB study or ask around to see if someone is having one? They are a great way to connect with others, and also to keep your focus on the steps.

What's truly important should soon become evident, and your list of priorities will hopefully become more manageable.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Rowan

Aristo

Thanks folks - it's reassuring to know what I am going thru is 'normal'.

Doesn't make me feel any better right now - but I guess it will pass.

Just by writing this all down, gave me some power to get of my sorry butt and do the washing up and empty the garbage - ha ha - baby steps.

Thanks again

Anna

Hi Aristo,

You're doiing well.

It's a journey and it can seem slow, at times, but you're moving in the right direction and that's great. Try to be patient with yourself and tackle one thing at a time.

IO Storm

Aristo...

Wow..could I relate...

A ton of wreckage before my sobriety date..and a little less than a ton taking

care of essential things after..

I believe ALL recovering alkies have a very hard time doing things for themselves...

Those feelings of unworthiness are tough to get over.

IMO..in early recovery it is not so important how well we DO things on this

beginning of the journey..

But that we STAY ON the journey.

With ya on the journey, Arsito.

Love,

:Fower111:

IO

GlassPrisoner

It took me 10 years to get into this mess. I ain't gonna fix it in 9 months.

I pray, do the next indicated right thing, and let God sort it out. Things are getting beter little by little.

And if all else fails, I thank God I don't start every morning with my head in the toilet bowl, shaking so bad I'm afraid to shave.....