NEW to all of this

Old 07-08-2007, 05:04 PM
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Question NEW to all of this

Hey there all. I am new to this forum and Im kinda new to the whole concept that I need to face the problems in my life with my father who is an alcoholic and a friend who is going through recovery from drugs and alcohol. So please bare with me.

For a while now, I have been moved out of my fathers house. For a long time I pushed religion on him and tried to force him to be different. Now that I am an adult, I realize that was the wrong thing to do. I now accept that hes an alcoholic and that my mother is a drug addict and that I cant do anything for them but be patient.

However I now find myself in love with a recovering alocholic and drug addict. Hes only been "clean" for 40 days. We arent dating because he feels like he needs to work on things to better himself for me. I cant help but to think about myself and be selfish. Which I know is wrong. So I guess my question is how can I deal with him wanting to be better for a relationship in the future? I guess Im still kind of confused about what I am asking and all. I just wonder what if anything I can do to help him with his recovery?...

wow. I will post more later I just realized that I am really confused. Anyway I need yalls help.
What should I do?
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Old 07-08-2007, 05:30 PM
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Don't get undies in a bunch
 
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Welcome.

I wouldn't say what you have tried is wrong...I would rather say that other things may work better. We do what we do till we know a better way.
As for parents... we need stand up for what is best for us but be respectful at the same time towards them. Boundaries we could use are not beng selfish...they are doing what is better. Not showing up or leaving early from a visit if your parents are dunk or high could be such a boundary. Always remember prayer for them as part of your tools for use.

As for the boyfriend... While he is doing what he needs do to help himself become stronger in his recovery... you could be doing the same for you. Al Anon and Nar Anon meetings are a great place to find info and support for dealing with such issues in your life.
Have a look about. Look for the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are found above the blue line on each of the forums.
Also know your not alone in this. There are many who understand and have answers that work. They will post as they show up and read your questions.
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Old 07-08-2007, 09:12 PM
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Welcome Hardroad... Glad to meet you.

Im the adult child of an Alcoholic and I have also met and fallen in love with Alcoholics over the years... both active and in recovery.

I have to agree with Best on finding a program to help you work on your personal recovery. If your new love stays sober it will take along time for the mentality to change... he will have a hard fight ahead of him.... to better understand his fight and to make sure you dont loose yourself I would stuggest you work on you. There are reasons why ACoA are attracted to the same people we grew up with... I have personally done alot of reading, program and theraphy to work with my issues on this.

Stick around and check out the boards... your not alone in any of this and there is always someone that has some good insight. I look forward to getting to know you.
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Old 07-08-2007, 09:59 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
 
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You are attracted to an addict for obvious reasons. You have the personality that is ripe for this with mentioning "I just wonder what I can do to help him with his recovery?" due to your paren'ts addiction. You can't help him. Instead ask what you can do for yourself so that you change fundamentally. Until you change you will be attracted to addicts and the cylce will repeat itself. Do the work now before divorce and raising children through this. Your addict friend is wise though to halt your involvement. Listen to him and take it seriously.
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Old 07-09-2007, 06:44 AM
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let it grow!
 
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nice to meet you, hardroad. i'm the mom of an alcoholic/addict - alanon and private counseling help me. blessings, k
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Old 07-09-2007, 08:17 AM
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Reply to you

Thanks to all who have replied and who will. I am so grateful for people like you. Like I said before I openly admit that I think its better to wait it out and see what hes like when he relapses?... I mean its almost promised that he will, right??? I like him and I care about his feelings but I cant help but to think about the way I feel about him. Alcoholics or recovering alcoholics are the best of people Ive ever met. Hes great but the situation that comes along with being with him is not easy. Well Im off to face the day. Thanks yall...keep the comments coming...
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Old 07-09-2007, 09:01 AM
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Originally Posted by hardroad7 View Post
T but I cant help but to think about the way I feel about him.
Today, whenever I hear myself say "I can't help it" I know I am kidding myself.

Keep learning all you can and keep posting. Glad you're here.
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Old 07-09-2007, 09:48 AM
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I never knew anyone or was related to anyone who was an addict or alcoholic, before marrying my AH. I thought Alanon wasn't for me, because it was by accident that I wound up with one. But now I am starting to see the connection. My mother was always mad, so I had to walk on eggshells. My stepmother was always mad, so I had to walk on eggshells. A few longterm boyfriends were always mad, so I walked on eggshells. I thought I found Mr. Right, who was super sweet, successful, etc.

But when he drinks, he's always mad and I walk on eggshells.

So there is a connection. I'm new to this discovery period in my life. Just make sure whatever is drawing you to this person isn't related to something you experienced as a child, and turn to out of a feeling of what you are comfortable with.

I also hear you saying you can't help how you feel about him. Before marrying, I threw numerous guys to the curb. I got blindsided by the alcoholic, and it will never happen again. I dumped guys for far more frivolous reasons that being an alcoholic. Please consider what you are entering into. If I didn't have kids, I'd be dropkicking my AH at this moment. Still might. Avoiding trouble is a lot easier than getting rid of it.
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Old 07-11-2007, 01:45 PM
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Well I did it. Hard and painful but I guess anything worth it would be that way. I decided to move on. Im young, good looking, and have a lot to offer someone. I realize that he cant offer me what I want at this time. So I told him that it wasnt fair to me and that I deserve more than that. Im not mad at him for it and Im not hurt...hes great but I just cant tell myself that Im in control of my life if I walked on eggshells trying to prevent him from "falling" I feel kinda co-dependant bc of the whole situation. I wonder if the things I said bothered him enough to go get high or drink. and if thats the case, I cant blame myself right??? I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and if its meant to be it wil work out. So as of today I need more than what he has so it would only be logical for find it else where and if he works on himself and comes to find out that he wants me in his life then he'll call. In the mean time Im not waiting around for a miracle to take place. Is that mean? I cant stop myself from having feelings for a man like him but I can stop myself from ruining my life. HUH??? Still confused. I dont know what to think of my feelings. Is there anyone who has experienced anything like this? Or just any words of advice....? Id be grateful.
Thanks guys.
Youre awesome.
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Old 07-11-2007, 07:06 PM
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Yea.... I have experienced what you are going through....

But I must say not as well as you are handling it. I struggled to let go, and yes in the end I did let go and have never looked back but it took so much to get me to that point.

Think of it this way hard.... you are doing him a favor. Not only are you taking care of yourself but you are freeing him to live his life .... perhaps there is another person that will accept what he has to offer... you on the other hand need a more healthy relationship and that is good that you can see that. Letting him live the life he wants will help him to be happy and I have no doub in my mind that you will also be happier when you are living the life you want.... especially when you find a partner that does give you want your looking for.
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