amelia87

Hi, I'm new to this board. I'm here because my father died from a drug overdose 12 years ago and my mother is a former heroin addict, now hooked on pain killers and alcohol. I thought telling my story and asking for advice might be helpful just because I really need to write this out right now, but I'm not quite at the place where I'm comfortable with going to family/friends.

I just received a call from my mother saying her boyfriend (of eight years, I consider him my step-father) hit her so she left and is staying with my cousin. I don't believe her about the hitting story, he's never touched her before and I'm almost positive he kicked her out for being high and/or stealing from him. She was crying to me about how she doesn't know what to do and my younger sister (15) won't go with her. I mean, I don't even know what to say to that. Part of me feels like enough is enough, she has to take responsibility for once, but overall I just feel sorry for her. I find myself making excuses for her substance abuse-- she's in physical pain from a cyst that doctors won't operate on because she doesn't have insurance, her parents both recently died within months of each other, her husband died and left her with two small children...I don't know if I'd be able to cope with that much better than she is. Because of this, sometimes I'm tempted to help her financially. I know I can't enable her, but it's so hard not to. I'm just terrified about what happens if I don't lend her money now (where is she going to go?) AND what happens if I do. Everyone involved keeps telling me it's best to detach myself completely, but I really don't think I can do that. It's just constant fear of her death all of the time that makes me feel like I have to maintain my relationship with her while I can. So I guess what I want to know is- how do you all cope with the fear? Where am I supposed to go from here?

Thanks for reading. I try to avoid such self-pity, but I don't know where else to turn right now.

DesertEyes

Hello there Amelia, and welcome to SoberRecovery

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mother. It's awful having to go thru something like that. I understand because my parent were alcoholics. It can really twist you mind and make you feel guilty no matter what you do.

The best place I can recommend for you is al-anon. They're wonderful people and the top experts in dealing with addicted relatives. You can find them in your phone book or here

http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html

We have tons of information on how to _not_ enable a relative over here

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/

at top of the forum there's a section for posts that are "sticky". Lots of great stuff to read there.

You are absolutely right. That's called a "boundary". As long as she is "rescued" from the consequences of her action there's no reason for her to take responsibility for anything.

The same place all the other women go. The salvation army, the shelters, or to meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I live in Las Vegas, we have a great Salvation Army program and women's shelters. I have a couple good women friends who've been to jail and on the streets because of drugs and alcohol. The cleaned up in the shelters and now are respectable members of society. They take meetings into the same shelter where they were once residents.

The best place to find the phone numbers to shelters that you Mom can call is at meetings of al-anon. Give them a call right now and see if there are any meeting convenient to you. They have wonderful books and pamphlets, and they will know what resources are available in your part of the world.

Welcome again, I'm glad you joined us.

Mike

GingerM

Welcome to the forum. Mike covered the bases pretty well in his response.

I wanted to add something that a counselor once told me about taking responsibility for other people: When I would try to prevent someone from experiencing the natural consequences of their own actions, I was not being kind or nice to them. I was denying them the opportunity to learn. I was preventing them from finding new avenues by preventing them from seeing the results of their actions. So in reality, not only was I not helping them, but I was hurting them and denying them opportunities to make their lives better.

That concept really changed how I viewed those around me. It pretty much stopped me dead in my tracks from "helping" people who got themselves into messes. I stopped trying to cover things up, I stopped making excuses for people, I stopped trying to protect people from themselves.

Perhaps that explanation of what happens when we try to 'fix' other people's problems will help you too.

I do hope you read the stickies that Mike linked to, they have quite a bit of good information in them. The stickies at the top of this forum also have a lot of good info.

Feel free to come here however often you want. Most of us in this forum have been there/done that/got the tee shirt.