Lost in confusion
Caitlin
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 2
Lost in confusion
Hello, I'm new to this site. I found it through google trying to find help/answers on whats happened to my life.
I'm 24 years old I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for six years, he's 30. When we first met I knew he used drugs with friends at parties for "fun" but never knew what would grow into an everyday habbit over the years.
It starts about 4 years ago I found heroin in his pants pocket, after he had left the room I snooped around for something/anything. My gut had been telling me something wasnt right for months ..now and here was my chance! Well confronted with it he lost it. "how dare I go through any of his stuff!" "You're crazy". After he cooled down he came to me in fear hed lose me and would do anything to make it right. So we went to NA/AA meetings. he was what i thought drug free for a year or more so we moved in with eachother, split all the responsibilities. then the signs & fights were back. After getting no where with questioning him or proving to him that I found drugs. i stopped confronting it for so long. Only because I didnt want the drama or the feeling that it was all ME and I'd always end up saying sorry!!
I hit rock bottom, I lost who I was, still feel lost. I called his parents told them everything. then told him what i did and told him he needed to come clean to everyone and get help if he wanted to stay with me. He said he'd only get clean if he could go into a seboxan clinic. I don't believe thats the way, seeing as he abused them when getting high. But he was making an effort so i agreed. He has been in this clinic for about 5-6months and started to look healthy and enjoy things again, like he use to. Until the past few weeks he started again!!
I'm now starting to get the lies and I know when its a lie, its so obvious. I keep telling him I'm so tired of this, I love him but I don't think its enough. I cant trust him anymore. Hes taken drugs a few times in the last 2weeks and has been caught after telling me over and over again that i was crazy and hes clean. I dont know what to do now, I feel trapped. I live in a house with him, have two dogs and a cat. I cant afford to live without his help and I'm afraid to be with out him. Why do I feel I NEED him. Will he ever get better? I don't know what to do?!! If I just ignore his faults and live with it he'll be happy?! I keep obsessing over this. Hes mad at me for his mistakes, I don't understand. Someone please help me.
I'm 24 years old I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for six years, he's 30. When we first met I knew he used drugs with friends at parties for "fun" but never knew what would grow into an everyday habbit over the years.
It starts about 4 years ago I found heroin in his pants pocket, after he had left the room I snooped around for something/anything. My gut had been telling me something wasnt right for months ..now and here was my chance! Well confronted with it he lost it. "how dare I go through any of his stuff!" "You're crazy". After he cooled down he came to me in fear hed lose me and would do anything to make it right. So we went to NA/AA meetings. he was what i thought drug free for a year or more so we moved in with eachother, split all the responsibilities. then the signs & fights were back. After getting no where with questioning him or proving to him that I found drugs. i stopped confronting it for so long. Only because I didnt want the drama or the feeling that it was all ME and I'd always end up saying sorry!!
I hit rock bottom, I lost who I was, still feel lost. I called his parents told them everything. then told him what i did and told him he needed to come clean to everyone and get help if he wanted to stay with me. He said he'd only get clean if he could go into a seboxan clinic. I don't believe thats the way, seeing as he abused them when getting high. But he was making an effort so i agreed. He has been in this clinic for about 5-6months and started to look healthy and enjoy things again, like he use to. Until the past few weeks he started again!!
I'm now starting to get the lies and I know when its a lie, its so obvious. I keep telling him I'm so tired of this, I love him but I don't think its enough. I cant trust him anymore. Hes taken drugs a few times in the last 2weeks and has been caught after telling me over and over again that i was crazy and hes clean. I dont know what to do now, I feel trapped. I live in a house with him, have two dogs and a cat. I cant afford to live without his help and I'm afraid to be with out him. Why do I feel I NEED him. Will he ever get better? I don't know what to do?!! If I just ignore his faults and live with it he'll be happy?! I keep obsessing over this. Hes mad at me for his mistakes, I don't understand. Someone please help me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R.
i am sorry for what you are going through.you are not alone.the addict in my life is my son.we can not love them enough to keep them clean & sober.we can not do anything to keep them clean or sober or for that matter make them use.the choice is theirs just like the choice is yours to stay with him or leave.life with an addict is a long hard road. my son started drinking at 17 & using by 22.at 23 he did his first prison term,all due to drugs.today he is 36 & still doing the same thing.miracles happen & there is always hope but some never get clean & stay clean.are you willing to live this life forever? they will always be an addict,there is no cure.read all the stickys at the top of the forum,read"what addicts do".untill he is ready for get clean he can go to all the rehabs he wants & it will not do any good.others will be along to welcome you.there is alot of advise here.stick around & keep coming back.i am saying a prayer for you & for him.
i am sorry for what you are going through.you are not alone.the addict in my life is my son.we can not love them enough to keep them clean & sober.we can not do anything to keep them clean or sober or for that matter make them use.the choice is theirs just like the choice is yours to stay with him or leave.life with an addict is a long hard road. my son started drinking at 17 & using by 22.at 23 he did his first prison term,all due to drugs.today he is 36 & still doing the same thing.miracles happen & there is always hope but some never get clean & stay clean.are you willing to live this life forever? they will always be an addict,there is no cure.read all the stickys at the top of the forum,read"what addicts do".untill he is ready for get clean he can go to all the rehabs he wants & it will not do any good.others will be along to welcome you.there is alot of advise here.stick around & keep coming back.i am saying a prayer for you & for him.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
CMM,
I'm sorry to hear that you're having to go through all of this at such a young age. I'm the Mother of a 31 yr old alcoholic/addict son and he's been into drugs for 12 yrs. now. It's been a living nightmare for sure and that's putting it mildly. I agree with what hope said about it being just up to him. If he doesn't want to quit for himself, he won't. He's the only one that can want it enought to do what it takes to make it happen and keep himself clean & sober.
Please remember that it's not all about him and what makes him happy. If you stay with him and ignore this, will you be happy? That's really the question that you need to be asking. You're the only one that can answer that. Please try to realize also that you're not really as trapped as you feel. You are so young and you have plenty of time to make any plans that you want to and to carry them through. I would suggest that you find the nearest Alanon or Naranon Meeting near you and attend as often as possible. Please keep coming back here and reading and posting often too.
I'm sorry to hear that you're having to go through all of this at such a young age. I'm the Mother of a 31 yr old alcoholic/addict son and he's been into drugs for 12 yrs. now. It's been a living nightmare for sure and that's putting it mildly. I agree with what hope said about it being just up to him. If he doesn't want to quit for himself, he won't. He's the only one that can want it enought to do what it takes to make it happen and keep himself clean & sober.
Please remember that it's not all about him and what makes him happy. If you stay with him and ignore this, will you be happy? That's really the question that you need to be asking. You're the only one that can answer that. Please try to realize also that you're not really as trapped as you feel. You are so young and you have plenty of time to make any plans that you want to and to carry them through. I would suggest that you find the nearest Alanon or Naranon Meeting near you and attend as often as possible. Please keep coming back here and reading and posting often too.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((CMM)))) I am sorry you are going through this.
From what you told me, you are relying entirely upon him for a basic need - housing. As long as you choose to do that, I cannot imagine how you can detangle yourself from his addiction.
If you are currently working, perhpas you can find a parttime 2nd job to supplement your income long enough to get you the funds to move out... if you are not working, now would be the time to begin.
What I know about addiction is this -
It is chronic
It is progressive
Left untreated, it is fatal.
That is not a ride you want to be on.
If leaving him is too big a step to take today, perhaps you can find some Naranon, or Alanon meetings to help. They helped me very much.
I wish you well.
(((hugs)))
From what you told me, you are relying entirely upon him for a basic need - housing. As long as you choose to do that, I cannot imagine how you can detangle yourself from his addiction.
If you are currently working, perhpas you can find a parttime 2nd job to supplement your income long enough to get you the funds to move out... if you are not working, now would be the time to begin.
What I know about addiction is this -
It is chronic
It is progressive
Left untreated, it is fatal.
That is not a ride you want to be on.
If leaving him is too big a step to take today, perhaps you can find some Naranon, or Alanon meetings to help. They helped me very much.
I wish you well.
(((hugs)))
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Greetings.
I live alone with 5 cats and a dog. My X BF was the addict in my life.
Please read the stickies at the tip of this forum and posts in the forum and you will learn a great deal.
Beyond that you need to make a plan so you are financially free in your own right. This may mean making some tough choices.. selling property, getting a second job, asking for help with the animal care so you can get a second job and deciding whether or not you want to continue this relationship.
Sorry you are going through this. You are young and you have many more options than many people here.
YOu are a valuable human being and you deserve to be well treated. Start by treating YOU well first and foremost.
I live alone with 5 cats and a dog. My X BF was the addict in my life.
Please read the stickies at the tip of this forum and posts in the forum and you will learn a great deal.
Beyond that you need to make a plan so you are financially free in your own right. This may mean making some tough choices.. selling property, getting a second job, asking for help with the animal care so you can get a second job and deciding whether or not you want to continue this relationship.
Sorry you are going through this. You are young and you have many more options than many people here.
YOu are a valuable human being and you deserve to be well treated. Start by treating YOU well first and foremost.
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
Hi CMM,
Welcome to SR.
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and he has been an addict for 10 years +. During the time i was with him he's been clean then relapsed, then clean, then relapsed, then clean then relapsed etc etc etc.....As you know, it's a really tough journey to be in! At one point i had enough, especially as his addiction grew stronger and worst worst worst. So i kicked him out and he went to his parents. I moved to a new flat and took some space from him. It was a right move, though it was really hard...We are now back together. To be honest even during the past year where we've lived apart, we couldn't stay separated for long. at one point we always ended up in each others arms. Still, i think it's good i have my own flat for now and i have seen a lot, learnt a lot and now it's my choice to be with him or not. I have chosen to stick by him, but trust me it's been a well thought choice and it can change tomorrow. What i know is that it's a tough path to choose. My bf is now working on his recovery and has been clean for one month. It's baby step but it's steps...
I hope you can find your path.
xox
Carine
Welcome to SR.
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and he has been an addict for 10 years +. During the time i was with him he's been clean then relapsed, then clean, then relapsed, then clean then relapsed etc etc etc.....As you know, it's a really tough journey to be in! At one point i had enough, especially as his addiction grew stronger and worst worst worst. So i kicked him out and he went to his parents. I moved to a new flat and took some space from him. It was a right move, though it was really hard...We are now back together. To be honest even during the past year where we've lived apart, we couldn't stay separated for long. at one point we always ended up in each others arms. Still, i think it's good i have my own flat for now and i have seen a lot, learnt a lot and now it's my choice to be with him or not. I have chosen to stick by him, but trust me it's been a well thought choice and it can change tomorrow. What i know is that it's a tough path to choose. My bf is now working on his recovery and has been clean for one month. It's baby step but it's steps...
I hope you can find your path.
xox
Carine
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((CMM))
Hi, and welcome to SR. You've found some wonderful, insightful people here. Financial independence in so important, weather or not you continue the relationship. You are 24 years old, where do you want to be in five years? Nothing changes until something changes....us. We can change our future. Right now, you have animals to worry and care for, what happens when it's babies. You can't control him, only yourself and your own choices. Lots of hugs and prayers going your way.
B
Hi, and welcome to SR. You've found some wonderful, insightful people here. Financial independence in so important, weather or not you continue the relationship. You are 24 years old, where do you want to be in five years? Nothing changes until something changes....us. We can change our future. Right now, you have animals to worry and care for, what happens when it's babies. You can't control him, only yourself and your own choices. Lots of hugs and prayers going your way.
B
Caitlin
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 2
thank you. still confused just not feeling alone.
Wow to sign on here today and see the support that you all have given me makes me feel I am not alone!! Thank you so much! All of your advice is making me stronger already. I looked up a few web sites for meetings that I could join and can't locate anything near me. Does anyone have a website that may help me in Massachusetts?
Well its now been since friday & we havent spoken. We walk by eachother in the house like the others not there. He upstairs, I'm downstairs. I sleep in the bed, hes on the couch. I guess I'm part to blame I said I can't do this anymore because its ruining me now, so why would he want to talk to me. I just thought if I said that he'd come back with something REAL good to say and want to fix this all. Which is what I want. I don't want to move on with out him, I just want to move on in the same direction together with the SAME intentions.
His family is here from out of state. Who knows what they think of me, he prob. has them all thinking I'm just cold hearted. It hurts to watch him talking to them or out in public with them acting like everything is so great and that he actually loves life. But yet when they're gone I don't get to see that side of him. (Start of my confusion!)
Well to answer some unknown things that have come up since my last note. I do work about 45hours a week. I have a great job as a Doctors Assistant. I've been there 2years so I'm slowly working up the pay ladder. I pretty much live check to check right now. I def. pull my own weight, he never has extra money. Who knows where it goes. I couldn't imagine getting another job (even though its the only thing I can do to move foward) I'm just so tired when I get home. I feel like I'm getting depresses on top of it all. Its hard for me to go to my 1st job. And then rent is so high around here & no one wants animals. So I have been looking and exploring all my options.
I just hate how if we are to break up, why it can't be mutal. Instead its a blow out fight and hes mad at me?? I dont know what I've done. I've been beside him through all of this, I dont think he sees that. I'm truly hurt by it all.
Well its now been since friday & we havent spoken. We walk by eachother in the house like the others not there. He upstairs, I'm downstairs. I sleep in the bed, hes on the couch. I guess I'm part to blame I said I can't do this anymore because its ruining me now, so why would he want to talk to me. I just thought if I said that he'd come back with something REAL good to say and want to fix this all. Which is what I want. I don't want to move on with out him, I just want to move on in the same direction together with the SAME intentions.
His family is here from out of state. Who knows what they think of me, he prob. has them all thinking I'm just cold hearted. It hurts to watch him talking to them or out in public with them acting like everything is so great and that he actually loves life. But yet when they're gone I don't get to see that side of him. (Start of my confusion!)
Well to answer some unknown things that have come up since my last note. I do work about 45hours a week. I have a great job as a Doctors Assistant. I've been there 2years so I'm slowly working up the pay ladder. I pretty much live check to check right now. I def. pull my own weight, he never has extra money. Who knows where it goes. I couldn't imagine getting another job (even though its the only thing I can do to move foward) I'm just so tired when I get home. I feel like I'm getting depresses on top of it all. Its hard for me to go to my 1st job. And then rent is so high around here & no one wants animals. So I have been looking and exploring all my options.
I just hate how if we are to break up, why it can't be mutal. Instead its a blow out fight and hes mad at me?? I dont know what I've done. I've been beside him through all of this, I dont think he sees that. I'm truly hurt by it all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
CMM-
I am 24 as well.
My abf is also a heroin addict- he is currently in rehab, but it has been an incredibly horrific process of losing myself and my sanity over the past few months since his addiction has spiraled out of control.
Even now- with him away- I am still paralyzed by fear alot of the time. I, too, have been beside my bf- and I just kept feeling foolish and unappreciated which in turn caused me to underappreciate myself and to not see all the injustices I was doing to myself.
After awhile I began to believe I actually deserved the treatment I was getting and EVEN NOW it's very, very difficult for me to believe I deserve better.
I cannot attend Nar-anon because I do not drive, live in the city and cannot get to them so I go to Al-Anon meetings which I find are more widespread. You may want to look those up. I know where you are- I am here, too. Addiction has broken me down incredibly and even with him getting help I still feel scared and timid to live my own life.
I think that it is common for addicts to play the blame game- it's the "Attack the attacker" mind set. If you call them out on what they ARE or ARE not doing they will attack- and they will also do anything within their power to make you think that YOU are the crazy one and they are the sane, clean one. More than likely this is NOT the case, they just want to try to shift blame and take the focus off of them. I would be extremely weathly if I had dollar for ever lie he told me and for everytime I believed and WANTED to believe.
You are NOT alone. I wish I had more strength and advice to share but alas I am in teh same boat myself.
I am 24 as well.
My abf is also a heroin addict- he is currently in rehab, but it has been an incredibly horrific process of losing myself and my sanity over the past few months since his addiction has spiraled out of control.
Even now- with him away- I am still paralyzed by fear alot of the time. I, too, have been beside my bf- and I just kept feeling foolish and unappreciated which in turn caused me to underappreciate myself and to not see all the injustices I was doing to myself.
After awhile I began to believe I actually deserved the treatment I was getting and EVEN NOW it's very, very difficult for me to believe I deserve better.
I cannot attend Nar-anon because I do not drive, live in the city and cannot get to them so I go to Al-Anon meetings which I find are more widespread. You may want to look those up. I know where you are- I am here, too. Addiction has broken me down incredibly and even with him getting help I still feel scared and timid to live my own life.
I think that it is common for addicts to play the blame game- it's the "Attack the attacker" mind set. If you call them out on what they ARE or ARE not doing they will attack- and they will also do anything within their power to make you think that YOU are the crazy one and they are the sane, clean one. More than likely this is NOT the case, they just want to try to shift blame and take the focus off of them. I would be extremely weathly if I had dollar for ever lie he told me and for everytime I believed and WANTED to believe.
You are NOT alone. I wish I had more strength and advice to share but alas I am in teh same boat myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Welcome to SR!!
Let em tell it to ya straight. If he is in active addiction right now, he doesn't love you or anyone else. His #1 love is his DOC (drug-of-choice) and he will do anything he can including hurt those who love him, steal if he has to, trade sex for drugs, etc. to get it. You are thinking to yourself "oh, he would never do THAT", but yeah, if it came down to it he would. Especially with heroin because of how it changes the brain.
You are young and life is short. You'll turn around, blink, and be 40 years old. Dont' waste time on "what was" or what "could be". Take steps NOW to get yourself financially self-sufficient. YOU need to be the priority in your life. Period.
Let em tell it to ya straight. If he is in active addiction right now, he doesn't love you or anyone else. His #1 love is his DOC (drug-of-choice) and he will do anything he can including hurt those who love him, steal if he has to, trade sex for drugs, etc. to get it. You are thinking to yourself "oh, he would never do THAT", but yeah, if it came down to it he would. Especially with heroin because of how it changes the brain.
You are young and life is short. You'll turn around, blink, and be 40 years old. Dont' waste time on "what was" or what "could be". Take steps NOW to get yourself financially self-sufficient. YOU need to be the priority in your life. Period.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
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