Victim behaviour - red flags
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Victim behaviour - red flags
Yes, we get our own!!
http://www.drirene.com/redflag.htm
Fear of failure, and extreme insecurity about your own competence:
Try hard to conceal or downplay any mistakes you make.
Are afraid to be seen as stupid, lazy, or weak.
Feel that you are "supposed" to be able to handle a situation or task.
Fear that others will think less or you if you quit.
Believe that no excuse is good enough for a mistake you have made.
Willing to overlook other people's flaws or mistakes:
Believe everyone else but you is perfect and has a good reason for making a mistake.
Believe that you can help others "live up to their potential".
Not trusting your own judgment:
Feel as though your opinion is not as "worthy" as someone else's.
Find a "logical" argument to disregard your "inner voice" or gut feeling.
Assume that criticism you receive from others is valid.
Need another person's input before you can make a decision.
Not feeling that you deserve to be treated well:
Are willing to go to great inconvenience and trouble to avoid causing someone else inconvenience.
Don't want to appear "demanding" or to be considered a "trouble maker"
Assume that if someone treats you poorly then you must have done something wrong.
Expect and accept criticism when you have completed a task.
Are unwilling to be disruptive to the relationship:
Avoid discussing issues that you fear will upset your partner.
Are unwilling to break off a bad relationship because you don't want to hurt your partner.
Secretly wish that your partner would die, move away, find someone else, or offer to leave the relationship.
Allow others to make most decisions:
Let someone else make all the decisions with no input or discussion from you.
Allow others to talk you into a decision you don't like.
Make a decision to please others rather than yourself.
Choose a course of action because you don't want to hurt a particular person's feelings.
Find it easier to "go along" with others decision rather than stand your ground.
Behave as though you agree with others, even when you don't:
"Parrot" someone else's opinions or behaviors.
Keep quiet when you disagree with something
Allowing someone to think by your silence that you agree with them even if you don't.
Thinking that the subject is not worth an argument.
Act to "protect" others at your own expense:
Won't break up with a significant other strictly to avoid hurting their feelings.
Avoid saying what you want or need to say because you don't want to hurt someone.
Accept blame that is not yours to protect someone else.
Giving up things that are important to you to please others:
Give up hobbies or activities that aren't shared or approved of.
Give away or sell precious mementos because they "clutter up the place".
Keep photos or mementos in storage rather than display them because your abuser doesn't like them.
Isolate yourself from all people other than your abuser:
Allow friendships with people your abuser dislikes to wither away.
Visit or call family less and less because your abuser dislikes them.
Spend less time with friends, family, or co-workers because it "takes too much time".
Never go anywhere without your abuser.
Conceal your abuser's behavior from others:
Believe that others "wouldn't understand" why a situation or behavior is "justified".
Are embarrassed that you allow yourself to be treated this way.
Have been asked or coerced by your abuser to not tell.
Are afraid of being accused of "making them look bad".
Take responsibility for things that are not your responsibility:
"Help" resolve other people's conflicts by acting as mediator
Apologize for things that OTHER people did.
"Cover" for people who are not handling their own responsibilities.
Accept more than your fair share of blame in a conflict.
Apologize just so that the fight will end, not because you think you did something wrong.
Fix, clean up, or conceal something done by someone else to avoid being accused of having done it.
Attraction to authority figures:
Attracted to the smart, self-confident, powerful people.
Attempt to prove your worth to them.
Are thrilled if they "bother" to notice you.
Assume that their advice is sound.
Try hard to conceal or downplay any mistakes you make.
Are afraid to be seen as stupid, lazy, or weak.
Feel that you are "supposed" to be able to handle a situation or task.
Fear that others will think less or you if you quit.
Believe that no excuse is good enough for a mistake you have made.
Willing to overlook other people's flaws or mistakes:
Believe everyone else but you is perfect and has a good reason for making a mistake.
Believe that you can help others "live up to their potential".
Not trusting your own judgment:
Feel as though your opinion is not as "worthy" as someone else's.
Find a "logical" argument to disregard your "inner voice" or gut feeling.
Assume that criticism you receive from others is valid.
Need another person's input before you can make a decision.
Not feeling that you deserve to be treated well:
Are willing to go to great inconvenience and trouble to avoid causing someone else inconvenience.
Don't want to appear "demanding" or to be considered a "trouble maker"
Assume that if someone treats you poorly then you must have done something wrong.
Expect and accept criticism when you have completed a task.
Are unwilling to be disruptive to the relationship:
Avoid discussing issues that you fear will upset your partner.
Are unwilling to break off a bad relationship because you don't want to hurt your partner.
Secretly wish that your partner would die, move away, find someone else, or offer to leave the relationship.
Allow others to make most decisions:
Let someone else make all the decisions with no input or discussion from you.
Allow others to talk you into a decision you don't like.
Make a decision to please others rather than yourself.
Choose a course of action because you don't want to hurt a particular person's feelings.
Find it easier to "go along" with others decision rather than stand your ground.
Behave as though you agree with others, even when you don't:
"Parrot" someone else's opinions or behaviors.
Keep quiet when you disagree with something
Allowing someone to think by your silence that you agree with them even if you don't.
Thinking that the subject is not worth an argument.
Act to "protect" others at your own expense:
Won't break up with a significant other strictly to avoid hurting their feelings.
Avoid saying what you want or need to say because you don't want to hurt someone.
Accept blame that is not yours to protect someone else.
Giving up things that are important to you to please others:
Give up hobbies or activities that aren't shared or approved of.
Give away or sell precious mementos because they "clutter up the place".
Keep photos or mementos in storage rather than display them because your abuser doesn't like them.
Isolate yourself from all people other than your abuser:
Allow friendships with people your abuser dislikes to wither away.
Visit or call family less and less because your abuser dislikes them.
Spend less time with friends, family, or co-workers because it "takes too much time".
Never go anywhere without your abuser.
Conceal your abuser's behavior from others:
Believe that others "wouldn't understand" why a situation or behavior is "justified".
Are embarrassed that you allow yourself to be treated this way.
Have been asked or coerced by your abuser to not tell.
Are afraid of being accused of "making them look bad".
Take responsibility for things that are not your responsibility:
"Help" resolve other people's conflicts by acting as mediator
Apologize for things that OTHER people did.
"Cover" for people who are not handling their own responsibilities.
Accept more than your fair share of blame in a conflict.
Apologize just so that the fight will end, not because you think you did something wrong.
Fix, clean up, or conceal something done by someone else to avoid being accused of having done it.
Attraction to authority figures:
Attracted to the smart, self-confident, powerful people.
Attempt to prove your worth to them.
Are thrilled if they "bother" to notice you.
Assume that their advice is sound.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Me too, gpj. And I still struggle with some of those things even now. And in relationships that have nothing to do with substance abuse.
(btw, I see I have another typo in the heading. I was in a flurry - any mods want to correct them all, I would be grateful. I am such a stickler for that kind of thing!)
(btw, I see I have another typo in the heading. I was in a flurry - any mods want to correct them all, I would be grateful. I am such a stickler for that kind of thing!)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by minnie 
...(btw, I see I have another typo in the heading. I was in a flurry - any mods want to correct them all, I would be grateful. I am such a stickler for that kind of thing!)
Which other fixes do you need?Mike
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by minnie
"behaviour"?
Originally Posted by minnie
And the british spelling would be much appreciated.
...
...
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Ready for some self-flagellation
I think I'm going to kick my own butt. That is ME. I used to think I was smart. Then I started believing my uber-successful AH was way smarter than myself. I think I parked my brain at some rest stop on the way to my wedding. Makes me wonder how much of my smart self is left. My smart self would really like to pummel my dumb self.
That description is ME!! What a wonderful, revealing, terrifying thing to read.
This is me thinking I'm being a caring, compassionate rational person.
Let's say someone were to say to me, "You don't do laundry often enough so you are a slob."
I don't respond right away. I readily look past the name-calling to delve into what this person meant to say that would be constructive. Looks like I need to do more laundry, that is what the person meant to say, so I'll just pretend that's what they said. There was truth in their statement, so they may have overreacted a tad, but it's okay. I'll make sure there is no laundry left to be washed at the end of every day.
Rather than......
HEY!! What is wrong with YOU?? How dare you call ME names??? It just so happens, that my mother-in-law is a neat FREAK. She is a religious, condemning, judgemental witch who uses religion like a weapon. She actually would wake my husband up every single morning by beating him. She thought if she beat him first thing in the morning, she might not have to spank him later. I (yeah, that's right "I" actually do have an opinion) believe she cleans 24/7 in an attempt to cleanse her filthy, guilt-ridden soul. It is a neverending quest for redemption and never gives her relief. But it gives her room to judge others who aren't as clean as she is..... and noooooobody is. THAT is the truth. I actually have never paid attention to how much laundry other people do. I may be a few loads behind sometimes, big deal. Never once has anyone in my family had nothing clean to wear, not had a towel to use, etc.
But on the outside....... my first reaction is to always forgive, calm the situation down, look for the truth in their accusation and attempt to change.
If I were more flexible, there would be a size 10 footprint on my forehead, MINE!!
That description is ME!! What a wonderful, revealing, terrifying thing to read.
This is me thinking I'm being a caring, compassionate rational person.
Let's say someone were to say to me, "You don't do laundry often enough so you are a slob."
I don't respond right away. I readily look past the name-calling to delve into what this person meant to say that would be constructive. Looks like I need to do more laundry, that is what the person meant to say, so I'll just pretend that's what they said. There was truth in their statement, so they may have overreacted a tad, but it's okay. I'll make sure there is no laundry left to be washed at the end of every day.
Rather than......
HEY!! What is wrong with YOU?? How dare you call ME names??? It just so happens, that my mother-in-law is a neat FREAK. She is a religious, condemning, judgemental witch who uses religion like a weapon. She actually would wake my husband up every single morning by beating him. She thought if she beat him first thing in the morning, she might not have to spank him later. I (yeah, that's right "I" actually do have an opinion) believe she cleans 24/7 in an attempt to cleanse her filthy, guilt-ridden soul. It is a neverending quest for redemption and never gives her relief. But it gives her room to judge others who aren't as clean as she is..... and noooooobody is. THAT is the truth. I actually have never paid attention to how much laundry other people do. I may be a few loads behind sometimes, big deal. Never once has anyone in my family had nothing clean to wear, not had a towel to use, etc.
But on the outside....... my first reaction is to always forgive, calm the situation down, look for the truth in their accusation and attempt to change.
If I were more flexible, there would be a size 10 footprint on my forehead, MINE!!
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