Abuser behaviour - red flags
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Abuser behaviour - red flags
Yes, I am big on red flags!! How many of us can say we don't see the in hindsight?
Jealous of time or resources you give others:
Gets angry if you spend "too much time" with friends, family, or children.
Insists that it is "a bad time" to talk to family on the phone.
Feels that resources are "wasted" if given to children.
Gets angry if you do favors for other people or give them things.
Would rather throw something away than give it to someone else.
Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals:
Finds your hobbies boring, pointless, unproductive, or a waste of time.
Is uncooperative about attending parties or events that interest you.
Picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.
States or implies that your interests should not interfere with spending time with them.
Is rude or inconsiderate of others in a self-centered way:
Insists on discussing something with you while you are trying to read or watch television.
Expects you to be the one who answers the door or telephone.
Expects you to drop what you are doing when summoned.
Interrupts others while talking on a consistent basis.
Will not act to accommodate others' convenience or comfort.
won't go outside to smoke
will not turn down TV or radio while others are talking.
Is unconcerned and unapologetic if rude behavior is pointed out.
Does not respect your right to make your own decisions:
Insists that your decision "affects them" and therefore should be a "joint" decision.
Gets angry or hurt if you don't take their advice.
Criticizes or questions the wisdom of decisions that you make without their input.
Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others:
Insists that their way is the "right way":
Claims that their arguments are based on logic or sound evidence and that yours are not.
Places no value on decisions made based on feelings or intuition.
Believes that any opinion you have is invalid, illogical, hysterical, or selfish.
Is completely intolerant of any criticism of their own behavior.
Is confident that their employer and/or employees are all defective somehow.
Considers your friends to be idiots.
Extremely opinionated and critical of others:
Racist or sexist.
Dogmatic about behavior in others.
Unwilling to tolerate opinions that differ from their own.
Has double standards for behavior.
Is rude to your family.
Dislikes your family.
Has "trouble" at work:
Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.
Explains employment set-backs as some sort of victimization.
Believes that their boss treats them poorly.
Believes that their co-workers are working against them.
Disregards laws or social customs that interfere with their own goals or pleasure:
Sees no point in observing holidays or giving gifts.
Is disinterested in following family or religious customs.
Believes that people who work hard for a living are "suckers".
Is scornful of the government or the "system".
Uses illegal drugs.
Is very concerned about their public image:
Treats you better in public than in private.
Gets angry at you if they believe that you have somehow made them look bad to others.
Brags about you or your accomplishments to others, but never compliments you in private.
Attempts to make you jealous or insecure:
Threatens to leave you.
Hints or states that they have other lovers waiting on the side.
Compares you to previous lovers.
Admires strangers and compares you to them.
Tells you that no one will ever care about you the way they do.
Is jealous and suspicious:
Accuses you of infidelity.
Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.
States or implies that you got a job offer or interview because of your appearance.
Doesn't want you to take part in an activity or outing because you might meet someone else there.
Rushes the relationship:
Pressures you to move in together.
Pressures you to have sex before you are ready.
Proposes marriage early in the relationship.
Does not respect your privacy:
Reads your diary or journal.
Opens your mail.
Manipulates others to achieve their goals:
Uses guilt trips.
Does things that are dishonest or illegal.
Attempts to coerce you into doing things that make you uncomfortable.
Threatens suicide or homicide if you don't cooperate with them.
Lectures you endlessly until you agree.
Is easily angered at others who interfere with their activities:
Engages in "Road Rage".
Reactions are out of proportion to level of inconvenience.
Is intolerant of children or animals:
Will not get up to feed or change the baby.
Is unwilling to have pets or children because of the mess or inconvenience.
Shows preferential treatment between children (especially "natural" vs. "step" children).
Believes that children don't deserve the level of treatment or support as adults.
Insists that THEY are the victim in the relationship:
Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.
Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.
Accuses you of not loving them or not caring about them.
Threatens suicide or homicide if you leave them.
Lack of empathy:
Inability to put themselves in another's shoes.
Unwilling to provide comfort to others unless "blame" clearly lies elsewhere.
Makes minimal effort to care for others when sick or injured while complaining about the inconvenience.
Cruel to animals.
Considers donations to charity a waste.
Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others that is not clearly visible.
Turns up TV when you have a headache
Insists on spicy food when you have an upset stomach
Expects you to help with chores when you are feeling sick.
Tears down your self esteem and erodes your confidence:
Tone of voice unreasonably deriding or scornful for the situation.
Questions your ability to do simple things.
Asks you to make a decision and then rejects your decision. Often asking you to
decide over again.
Accuses you of being overly sensitive to criticism.
Calls you names.
Criticizes you openly.
Interferes with or attempts to control your career:
Pressures you to quit or change your job.
Thinks that your employer interferes with your marriage.
Thinks that your co-workers/employer/employees are defective somehow.
Attempts to resolve conflicts you have at work for you.
Seeks to "help you" with your career, and is upset if you don't cooperate.
Attempts to choose your job or work projects for you.
Punishes you or threatens to punish you for "misbehaving:
Strands you somewhere.
Gives you the "silent treatment".
Yells at you..
Lectures you.
Believes that a "discussion" about your relationship is more important that any other obligation or activity.
Makes you late to work or social activities because they want to discuss something.
Picks a fight with you at bedtime and then won't let you go to sleep for hours.
http://www.drirene.com/redflag.htm
Jealous of time or resources you give others:
Gets angry if you spend "too much time" with friends, family, or children.
Insists that it is "a bad time" to talk to family on the phone.
Feels that resources are "wasted" if given to children.
Gets angry if you do favors for other people or give them things.
Would rather throw something away than give it to someone else.
Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals:
Finds your hobbies boring, pointless, unproductive, or a waste of time.
Is uncooperative about attending parties or events that interest you.
Picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.
States or implies that your interests should not interfere with spending time with them.
Is rude or inconsiderate of others in a self-centered way:
Insists on discussing something with you while you are trying to read or watch television.
Expects you to be the one who answers the door or telephone.
Expects you to drop what you are doing when summoned.
Interrupts others while talking on a consistent basis.
Will not act to accommodate others' convenience or comfort.
won't go outside to smoke
will not turn down TV or radio while others are talking.
Is unconcerned and unapologetic if rude behavior is pointed out.
Does not respect your right to make your own decisions:
Insists that your decision "affects them" and therefore should be a "joint" decision.
Gets angry or hurt if you don't take their advice.
Criticizes or questions the wisdom of decisions that you make without their input.
Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others:
Insists that their way is the "right way":
Claims that their arguments are based on logic or sound evidence and that yours are not.
Places no value on decisions made based on feelings or intuition.
Believes that any opinion you have is invalid, illogical, hysterical, or selfish.
Is completely intolerant of any criticism of their own behavior.
Is confident that their employer and/or employees are all defective somehow.
Considers your friends to be idiots.
Extremely opinionated and critical of others:
Racist or sexist.
Dogmatic about behavior in others.
Unwilling to tolerate opinions that differ from their own.
Has double standards for behavior.
Is rude to your family.
Dislikes your family.
Has "trouble" at work:
Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.
Explains employment set-backs as some sort of victimization.
Believes that their boss treats them poorly.
Believes that their co-workers are working against them.
Disregards laws or social customs that interfere with their own goals or pleasure:
Sees no point in observing holidays or giving gifts.
Is disinterested in following family or religious customs.
Believes that people who work hard for a living are "suckers".
Is scornful of the government or the "system".
Uses illegal drugs.
Is very concerned about their public image:
Treats you better in public than in private.
Gets angry at you if they believe that you have somehow made them look bad to others.
Brags about you or your accomplishments to others, but never compliments you in private.
Attempts to make you jealous or insecure:
Threatens to leave you.
Hints or states that they have other lovers waiting on the side.
Compares you to previous lovers.
Admires strangers and compares you to them.
Tells you that no one will ever care about you the way they do.
Is jealous and suspicious:
Accuses you of infidelity.
Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.
States or implies that you got a job offer or interview because of your appearance.
Doesn't want you to take part in an activity or outing because you might meet someone else there.
Rushes the relationship:
Pressures you to move in together.
Pressures you to have sex before you are ready.
Proposes marriage early in the relationship.
Does not respect your privacy:
Reads your diary or journal.
Opens your mail.
Manipulates others to achieve their goals:
Uses guilt trips.
Does things that are dishonest or illegal.
Attempts to coerce you into doing things that make you uncomfortable.
Threatens suicide or homicide if you don't cooperate with them.
Lectures you endlessly until you agree.
Is easily angered at others who interfere with their activities:
Engages in "Road Rage".
Reactions are out of proportion to level of inconvenience.
Is intolerant of children or animals:
Will not get up to feed or change the baby.
Is unwilling to have pets or children because of the mess or inconvenience.
Shows preferential treatment between children (especially "natural" vs. "step" children).
Believes that children don't deserve the level of treatment or support as adults.
Insists that THEY are the victim in the relationship:
Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.
Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.
Accuses you of not loving them or not caring about them.
Threatens suicide or homicide if you leave them.
Lack of empathy:
Inability to put themselves in another's shoes.
Unwilling to provide comfort to others unless "blame" clearly lies elsewhere.
Makes minimal effort to care for others when sick or injured while complaining about the inconvenience.
Cruel to animals.
Considers donations to charity a waste.
Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others that is not clearly visible.
Turns up TV when you have a headache
Insists on spicy food when you have an upset stomach
Expects you to help with chores when you are feeling sick.
Tears down your self esteem and erodes your confidence:
Tone of voice unreasonably deriding or scornful for the situation.
Questions your ability to do simple things.
Asks you to make a decision and then rejects your decision. Often asking you to
decide over again.
Accuses you of being overly sensitive to criticism.
Calls you names.
Criticizes you openly.
Interferes with or attempts to control your career:
Pressures you to quit or change your job.
Thinks that your employer interferes with your marriage.
Thinks that your co-workers/employer/employees are defective somehow.
Attempts to resolve conflicts you have at work for you.
Seeks to "help you" with your career, and is upset if you don't cooperate.
Attempts to choose your job or work projects for you.
Punishes you or threatens to punish you for "misbehaving:
Strands you somewhere.
Gives you the "silent treatment".
Yells at you..
Lectures you.
Believes that a "discussion" about your relationship is more important that any other obligation or activity.
Makes you late to work or social activities because they want to discuss something.
Picks a fight with you at bedtime and then won't let you go to sleep for hours.
http://www.drirene.com/redflag.htm
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I think what got me about so much of the behaviour explained above was the subtlety of it all. There was no way of explaining it to an outsider that didn't make me seem like a raving loony. So much communication goes on outwith words and I will never be able to put into words the incongruency of so much of R's behaviour. A facial expression, a shrug of the shoulders, a roll of the eye, a curl of the lip, a huff and a puff, a hand on hip, a shutting of the door more forcefully than normal, a "meaningful" gaze into space - all nullified the meaning of the words.
Does this make sense?
Does this make sense?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Hey Patient Dreams,,,
I don't think we've "met"? Welcome to SR,,
And as the resident simple native hippie chick, can you tell me what your post meant? I'm confused?
Are you saying, because we are trying to be positive, we are in denial of the red flags?
I related to many of thise flags, but have to say, the thoughts going through my head, is the "core" my A had without the alcohol. The Dr jeckle, Mr Hyde thing. Just as I was thinking of becoming a one person band waving all them flags, he would help the lady that got stuck in front of us by pushing her car across four lanes of traffic to the safety of a service station.
Before I dated my A, I dated someone who had those kind of red flags, but he was an arse hole ALL the time,,,
And your right, the "silent" disaproval drove me NUTS. Just SAY IT!!I hated when he clucked his tongue. Your an A, your suppose to QUACK!!!he,he,he
Peace
I don't think we've "met"? Welcome to SR,,
And as the resident simple native hippie chick, can you tell me what your post meant? I'm confused?
Are you saying, because we are trying to be positive, we are in denial of the red flags?
I related to many of thise flags, but have to say, the thoughts going through my head, is the "core" my A had without the alcohol. The Dr jeckle, Mr Hyde thing. Just as I was thinking of becoming a one person band waving all them flags, he would help the lady that got stuck in front of us by pushing her car across four lanes of traffic to the safety of a service station.
Before I dated my A, I dated someone who had those kind of red flags, but he was an arse hole ALL the time,,,
And your right, the "silent" disaproval drove me NUTS. Just SAY IT!!I hated when he clucked his tongue. Your an A, your suppose to QUACK!!!he,he,he
Peace
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
OK, I guess I am the one in denile here...... I can not beleive how meny of those are my husband! The gase the huff sound (over and over) the trying to tell me how to do a job he is not trained to do. His NEVER ansuring the phone or door. and a lot of the others. Lets see.... lets put the short lis up. He does give to chairaty at times but only some. he hates others. and he is good with animals to a point.
I have become so numb to most of the bad stuff he does that I don't even realize it's there. I don't feel it on the serface. For the most part I just feel alone and sad.
This morning a man who is in the coffee shop each day was standing behined me in line. I could feel someone looking at me and turned to see who it was. It was him and he looked me directly in the eyes and gave me a big smile. It was nice.
Well, I better try to get some work done today.
D
I have become so numb to most of the bad stuff he does that I don't even realize it's there. I don't feel it on the serface. For the most part I just feel alone and sad.
This morning a man who is in the coffee shop each day was standing behined me in line. I could feel someone looking at me and turned to see who it was. It was him and he looked me directly in the eyes and gave me a big smile. It was nice.
Well, I better try to get some work done today.
D
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
(((Minnie))) as always you bring up some awesome threads!
"Does this make sense?"
Ummm honey without question!
Amazing how when some of us finally are away from the chaos how many of those are so darn clear!
If I read those when I was with my XABF I would find every excuse in the book for those not to be true! "He is having a bad day" in other words.....I would be the one "quacking"
Thank you for this Minnie! (((hugs)))
"Does this make sense?"
Ummm honey without question!
Amazing how when some of us finally are away from the chaos how many of those are so darn clear!
If I read those when I was with my XABF I would find every excuse in the book for those not to be true! "He is having a bad day" in other words.....I would be the one "quacking"
Thank you for this Minnie! (((hugs)))
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
He doesn't do this so much any more but he used to get real mad at me when I would get a UTI (track infection) because he said I was only using it to get out of sex. He has also been know to get upset when I started my cycle because it runed plans to go to the river or whatever.
I just can't beleive I have gotten so used to things the way they are that I don't even realize I am being abused.
I just can't beleive I have gotten so used to things the way they are that I don't even realize I am being abused.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
good list
I can certainly see some of my AH in that list. My AH is a little different. He is very good looking. He doesn't smoke. He is a very sharp dresser. He has always held continually upward moving positions and has always made excellent money. He is the one who insists we go to church every Sunday. He is like his mother, in that he often is able to walk a very fine line with his behavior. It's the type of behavior that you don't respond to at the moment, can't really say for certain why it was wrong, but leaves you feeling rotten afterwards. It's insideous, hard to pin down, easy to believe, and can really screw the mind and ego.
I look back at all the times my AH has summarized other people, including myself, and have believed him. His ex was "too emotional", he was always the one to make "logical decisions". I told him this weekend, he and his ex are TWO PEAS IN A POD!! I am the ONLY one around here who makes logical decisions. He has told me for years that I ride his @ss. What?? I absolutely do not, but I have often bit my tongue for fear that I would meet that description. He rides ME. After all, he manages lots of people and literally millions in money. I'm a housewife. He should know what he's talking about, yes? I should believe him. I have believed him. And that includes believing him when he says I'm fat, a slob, a poor mother, lazy, etc.
HA! Lo and behold, all the alcoholics I saw in last weekend's group meeting agreed that they shred those closest to them, so distract them from focusing on their "problem". Ohhhhhh. So it was a weapon????? Funny me didn't see it that way. I just started believing I'm a fat slob, a poor mother, lazy, etc. who rides his @ss. I don't know if I want to divorce him or beat him.
Thanks for the list.
I look back at all the times my AH has summarized other people, including myself, and have believed him. His ex was "too emotional", he was always the one to make "logical decisions". I told him this weekend, he and his ex are TWO PEAS IN A POD!! I am the ONLY one around here who makes logical decisions. He has told me for years that I ride his @ss. What?? I absolutely do not, but I have often bit my tongue for fear that I would meet that description. He rides ME. After all, he manages lots of people and literally millions in money. I'm a housewife. He should know what he's talking about, yes? I should believe him. I have believed him. And that includes believing him when he says I'm fat, a slob, a poor mother, lazy, etc.
HA! Lo and behold, all the alcoholics I saw in last weekend's group meeting agreed that they shred those closest to them, so distract them from focusing on their "problem". Ohhhhhh. So it was a weapon????? Funny me didn't see it that way. I just started believing I'm a fat slob, a poor mother, lazy, etc. who rides his @ss. I don't know if I want to divorce him or beat him.
Thanks for the list.
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