planet

Well after a night out with the kids I came home. He has already drank 3-40oz beers. Pretty normal. He then heads out for more. When he returns we get on the discussion of my future "education". As I am looking to go back soon. He didn't like the choices I decided on because of the money issue and me not making enough money in those fields. I guess he will need more to spend in the future. He spends about 400.00 a month on alcohol. Which may be good to some and worse to others. I think that is extreme. So we argued uncontrollable because if it were not for his drinking ...money would not be a issue. Yet he thinks and says I am a money hungry selfish bitch. I want too much too soon". We have been married almost 5 years and the only thing we have that is ours is our children. No house, no cars fully paid for but I am money hungry and selfish. If I had the 400.00 a month from the last 5 years. I would be in much better shape. OF cours per him when I got a job he would slack off because the stress would be off. Always an excuse. My question... I don't understand the mindset of an alcoholic. I have never had an addiction. What are some good books, or something that can help explain this so I know where the f*** he is coming up with his crazy comments. I know it is the alcohol talking. I hate this illness.It destroys people and families.

thinkmink

http://www.gettingthemsober.com/

you can read excerpts for free on the web. I am looking into purchasing some of these myself. I bet I could find some used ones at Amazon or check it out at the library. We don't have a lot of money either.

LGLG07

I have Getting them Sober .. Its a great book , helped me to understand a lot and answered a lot of the same questions I had ... even if the answer was 'there are no answers or reasons' .. it was good to know that we are not crazy ! I dont think we will ever completely understand the mind of an alcoholic when they dont even understand themselves !
I highly recommend that book ! and lots of luck!

denny57

How did that make you feel?

Pick-a-name

Just a word about buying books....I have gotten many of my recovery "library" books and from the Goodwill and thrift stores,used bookstores,etc. In fact, I think that is where I first "found" Getting Them Sober, Under the Influence andThe AA Big Book! It's worth a look if you have the time. (I used to go "thrifting" more when AH lived here and I felt like taking a break from the chaos!)

planet

Denny57... It pissed me off. I am not money hungry and selfish. I just want more out of life for my family. I am the one who gives up what she wants when money is tight. He still drinks and drinks. He will borrow money to drink if we sre broke.

aGrandma

I never try to reason with or argue with him when he's drunk. It's a waste of time and energy. I wait until he's sober.

prodigal

Planet, you are arguing to defend your point of view. As you have noticed, he doesn't "get" your point of view. Have you noticed how this is making you frustrated? Have you noticed how he doesn't hear what you're saying but turns it around? And you want to understand THIS? Trying to understand what an A is telling you is like trying to have a conversation with someone speaking Mandarin Chinese - and you don't speak a word of the language!

If you want to continue your education, look into student loans and/or scholarships. As far as what he likes or doesn't like about the career fields you are interested in pursuing, if he doesn't like them that's his problem, isn't it? If it weren't for his drinking, money would not be an issue. But he IS drinking. And if it weren't for money, it WOULD be some other issue. There would be something to grab onto and shake to death in order to keep the drama going. Right now he's sucking you into the drama and it suits him just fine. Notice how he jumped on the phone to bad mouth you to his family. You were not in that act of the play, so he just grabbed onto some other folks to be in Act 2.

I'd suggest you try some local Al-Anon meetings in your area to see if they work for you. The meetings can help you understand your part in this disease process, and teach you to focus on your own issues.I generally suggest people read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. She is both an addict in recovery and a codependent, so she understands both sides of the issue.

P.S. - If you think $400 is a lot for the monthly booze bill, when my AH was in his prime he was spending from $700 - $1,000 a month on booze. And, yes, he too was whining about how tight money was for us!

guineapigjude

My exAH used to spend $400 + a month on beer and pot, and complained when I put $50 in Christmas Club for the kids that it was too much. His other tactic was, when I complained I couldn't afford to buy something because it was too much money, (I handled paying the bills), he would say "why don't you just go buy it? No one is stopping you!" Then when I explained we couldn't spare the money because of what he spent drinking, he would just tell me to live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Geesh! So, yeah, like aGrandma and Prodigal said, don't even try to make sense of them...there IS no sense with an alcoholic.

minnie

He doesn't like your choices, and you don't like his. There doesn't seem to be much room for compromise, particularly from his side.

So where does that leave you?

GlassPrisoner

Oh my, I used that excuse......

The Big Book of AA will help you understand alcoholism. From a purely physiological sense, another good read is "Under the Influence".

Zoey

Check stickies at the top where you started your thread, find Classic Reading, then Book Club. Lots of books listed. last post has site for AA big book on line.

denny57

Some good advice I got early on was, if I want more, I have to go for more. Myself. A huge hurdle for me was understand and accepting that today is what it is. This is the best I can assume it will be. I can't look to the changed tomorrow. Unless I'm the one changing. I certainly let far too many years pass hoping the other person would change. Why wouldn't I change myself?