justjo

She is in rehab again. I collected sis's mail, drove down and picked her up. We went to a nice cafe and had a coffee and cake.
It was so nice to give her a hug, have a talk, veg out and be ourselves. She was sober but still shaking after a week and half. That was ok though, she looked really good. I bought her a block of chocolate (Cadbury's) australian chocky, cos I told her a girl needs her chocky.
A big hug goodbye, drove off and wonder - Will she be ok. Its crazy, while we are talking, I mention how my job is going, the kids, life in general and I feel guilty. I have never felt guilty about my life before. Does anyone ever feel this way?

parentrecovers

i know i have said this to you before, but your sister is so lucky to have you.

take of yourself now, you deserve a break.

blessings, k

denny57

I try not to feel guilty for the life I have - I work hard for it. I do try to remain compassionate about where the addict's life is right now. An important lesson I've learned is to look around at those who have what I want (not materialism, but serenity) and do what I have to to get it. Sharing your life stories with your sister may be just what she needs to hear.

Celebrate the coffee date.

Mr. Christian

Guilty?

Why what did you do? Guilt requires you to do something wrong and then feel bad about it.
So what did you do?

justjo

Maybe guilty is too harsh a word. No, I havent done anything Christian. I guess its just when I see her NOW. and what she use to be I feel, well, bad for her and seem to hold back on things happening for me. You see in the past she had thrown some dirt at me "how I am the perfect one, the strong one, blah blah and I guess I feel somewhat hesitant to share now. I am proud of who I have become, not perfect in any imagination but content where I am right now.

Grasshopper

Your a great example to her,as to what life is like when one is not drinking.And that she also can have a great life.
When i was struggling,myself,i made a few off comments to folks.I thought that non-alcoholics had such an easy life to live.I was wrong of course,was just feeling sorry for myself,back then.Later,on,doing my 4-5 steps open my eyes,and i went and,to made ammends to them.

justjo

Grasshopper, I too hope she will get to that step too. I guess, once she was a great woman, working and living a good life but now it seems so wasted and her life is the worst I could imagine. I suppose when I said guilty, I mean I feel sad for her and what has become. Tragic, and my life is just cruising alot and doing ok. She gets so emotional over such small things, Iguess i think if I give her good news about me and my family, It does make her feel bad or maybe guilty herself.

Mr. Christian

Well Just, I guess that's her deal then is it not?

Grasshopper

Hi,justo,it was -----pain,suffering -----that was my own motivater,for wanting change in my life.I headed to the recovery rooms,of AA/Al-anon.I no longer wanted to live,think or be,as i was,anymore.My way was no longer working.Only working against me.I wanted , life,similar to,what i had seen others have,sober,and knew that it was also there for me to.Work needed to be done,on me.I was the only one responsible for making changes,doing the do things,following recovery program.Others could not do this for me.

justjo

Thanks Grasshopper for the great advise. I have seen such pain in her and each time the pain gets a little worse, she says she cant do it anymore and would be better off dead. Each rehab time she has, I can see what this has done to her -even now sober for 2 weeks. Had a coffee with her the other day and she told me that she was still thinking about it and finding it hard. Of course she is, heck I understand that. But to be honest sometimes I think I know her too well, cos I cant see (it) this time either.
I still continue to be happy, work, play and all that stuff and I will take your advise on just being me and let her see she can be herself too.

Spiritual Seeker

There lies the dilemma for us when we have a sis/child etc. that's an addict. We must figure out how to have the great life we are capable of having and be joyous without letting the sad sad state of their addiction and/or mental illness bring us down or make us less joyous and full of life. It is what we try to master. It must be done with intention. We try to support, love and yet detach. Not easy to do, but we try for the balancing act.

BigGirlPanties

Guilt is a by-product of low self esteem.

Why shouldnt you be happy with your family and homelife?

hope3

Hi Justo, just wanted to let you know I hope she makes it,

and she is lucky to have a sister like you...Quilt is a funny thing, most people

that feel guilt have no reason to feel it, but it's normal. How many times have

you heard of someone saying, maybe if I would have done this, or maybe if I would

have done that this wouldn't have happened.....

Best wishes to your sister and you Justo, hope3

cmc

justjo,
I think I understand how you feel, because when I see my son and how far he fell into addiction this past time, it hurts me. I need to remember to be grateful for where he's been, because that is what will save him now.

I think your support and the time spent with your sister are priceless and you can be an important part of her recovery.

What I do when I see my son struggling to get back on his feet is to acknowledge where he is right now...if he brings it up that is. I also let him know that I believe in him and that I believe he can make a go of it this time.

Yes..I've done this many times... and been disappointed. When I tell him I know he can make it I really mean it now and he sees that. I know he can..but I'll never know if he _will_ until he does. That's the hard part and where my recovery comes into play.

I just need to remember that my son does not need my pity, but I don't have to look the other way and pretend he doesn't have a 'long row to hoe' either.

I'm so glad you had such a nice time with her, building some good memories.

justjo

Thanks all, your words are very encouraging for me. cmc, I am too going through this with my eldest son (you see he, takes drugs) I too try to encourage him, see him for who he really is. I guess, yes guilt sometimes can take over (or the worry of where they may end up) maybe thats it and I am just being a 'normal' whatever that is human being. My son who I dearly love but can dislike alot too has concerned me dearly. We have had shocking arguements, because I wont back down. We are at a point now together that we understand each other. He does try sometimes and comes up now again. But when he comes down WOW its hard to see. I guess its trying to understand why, (especially a son, one you once knew) but now the why has become OK you need to do this right now and one day you may see that life is only as hard as you let it be. He is a good person, always gives me a hug and love you mum, and then, he goes off on his drug binge and I dont hear from him for a week or so. My sister is the same, basically if I dont call her, I dont hear from her, only if she needs something. I have accepted this to a point and will call them to see how they are doing etc. Both come to be when the hard gets too hard, but now they both realise how much I wont take anymore. Basically, they know not to ask for much except when they need positive help like a drive to rehab or a meal.

Spiritual Seeker, You are so right, I guess thats the place I need to be 100% and keep on keeping on hey. Mostly I am a very confident person but have way too much compassion for people close to me. A son and sister that I love dearly, and wonder why cant they just be like me. Have a happy, comfortable life, not needing too much but OK, you know !
Anyway I have blabbered on too much and thanks, I know why I keep coming back to this forum.