Nice Ones...? Back and Forth?
In my forest.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 31
Nice Ones...? Back and Forth?
Just curious, how many of you have A's that are 'nice' a fair bit of the time and only yuck some of the time. And do you think the 'nice' is a put on or manipulation to get what they want, or is some of it 'real' and straight up thoughtfulness?
My STBXAH is a binge drinker, so I only got the real verbal yuckies when he binge drank.
I did also get bad moods, not knowing where he was at night when he was drinking out (once a week/fortnight, sometimes twice or three times in a bad week, often drank at home but only 5 to 10 drinks on the 3 or 4 nights he would drink at home, some nights alcohol free to appease me).
But, other times, particularly in these months we have been separated he can be sugary nice for days, weeks, at a time (via text and the occasional visit or coffee together).
Always with the 'I love yous' and 'you are so wonderful to have put up with me', and 'I'm still planning for an 'us' in years to come' (even though we're not together currently except as friends), and 'You are gorgeous', 'You are sensational', 'No one has done as much for me as you have', 'I can't believe I stuffed up the best thing I ever had', 'I don't deserve you', 'I still hate myself for what I've done', etc etc etc ad infinitum and on and on. Making cups of tea for me when I visit (he always used to make me breakfast in bed on the weekends when we were together), trying to do anything to please me.
Is this just manipulation because he is so lonely and has not been able to 'pick up' anybody etc etc. (He has put the 'hard word' on me and I have said no many times).
And, how many times have some of you been back and forth? My A left our marriage a year ago, and we have had 2 goes at reconciliation, both of which he ended because he wanted to drink, gamble etc. He's now trying to address some of his issues, but I'm interested in how many goes some of you gave before you had had enough.
I have had enough, I just don't know what's the truth and what's a lie anymore, and would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop no matter if he manages to control his several addictions and clean up or not.
Just curious........ sometimes I struggle with the age old 'but what if I give up and they actually do get well?!!!' even though I know for sure I couldn't trust him again.
My STBXAH is a binge drinker, so I only got the real verbal yuckies when he binge drank.
I did also get bad moods, not knowing where he was at night when he was drinking out (once a week/fortnight, sometimes twice or three times in a bad week, often drank at home but only 5 to 10 drinks on the 3 or 4 nights he would drink at home, some nights alcohol free to appease me).
But, other times, particularly in these months we have been separated he can be sugary nice for days, weeks, at a time (via text and the occasional visit or coffee together).
Always with the 'I love yous' and 'you are so wonderful to have put up with me', and 'I'm still planning for an 'us' in years to come' (even though we're not together currently except as friends), and 'You are gorgeous', 'You are sensational', 'No one has done as much for me as you have', 'I can't believe I stuffed up the best thing I ever had', 'I don't deserve you', 'I still hate myself for what I've done', etc etc etc ad infinitum and on and on. Making cups of tea for me when I visit (he always used to make me breakfast in bed on the weekends when we were together), trying to do anything to please me.
Is this just manipulation because he is so lonely and has not been able to 'pick up' anybody etc etc. (He has put the 'hard word' on me and I have said no many times).
And, how many times have some of you been back and forth? My A left our marriage a year ago, and we have had 2 goes at reconciliation, both of which he ended because he wanted to drink, gamble etc. He's now trying to address some of his issues, but I'm interested in how many goes some of you gave before you had had enough.
I have had enough, I just don't know what's the truth and what's a lie anymore, and would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop no matter if he manages to control his several addictions and clean up or not.
Just curious........ sometimes I struggle with the age old 'but what if I give up and they actually do get well?!!!' even though I know for sure I couldn't trust him again.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Yeah, I've heard all that before. And had the same "What if?" thoughts.
They went away pretty quickly when I realised that he'd had the same conversations with his previous partners and, indeed, subsequent ones.
There is nothing to stop you getting back together down the line if he gets his act together. When I left, I did still have that 1% chance available in my mind. It took him 6 weeks to prove to me that it was all a load of crock. (Actually, it was less that that, but only with hindsight.)
They went away pretty quickly when I realised that he'd had the same conversations with his previous partners and, indeed, subsequent ones.
There is nothing to stop you getting back together down the line if he gets his act together. When I left, I did still have that 1% chance available in my mind. It took him 6 weeks to prove to me that it was all a load of crock. (Actually, it was less that that, but only with hindsight.)
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
You can deny a sickness for only so long.
No matter how wonderful a guy my XABF wanted to be, he just couldn't hack living life on life's terms and facing reality...wound up running away like a coward in the end.
When he couldn't keep up the facade is when I'd get his verbal and emotional abuse. He resented me for "having to be good" - having to be someone he didn't want to be...dry.
Leave any sickness unchecked and you are bound to lose - no matter how good intentions are.
No matter how wonderful a guy my XABF wanted to be, he just couldn't hack living life on life's terms and facing reality...wound up running away like a coward in the end.
When he couldn't keep up the facade is when I'd get his verbal and emotional abuse. He resented me for "having to be good" - having to be someone he didn't want to be...dry.
Leave any sickness unchecked and you are bound to lose - no matter how good intentions are.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 62
Nice Ones...? Back and Forth
I am where you are goldenleaves.
Have heard all the same sweet stuff and been on the end of some NASTY stuff too.
Is it manipulation? You bet it is. Have you looked up the cycle of domestic abuse? Alcoholism is a different conditon and is usually to blame for abusive behavior. Read up on it. He is chosing his actions to be nasty to you.
It starts with the honeymoon phase which is all the coos and cuddlies then it moves to the tension building phase where the annoyances and the behaviors that cause dischord are found and finally it is the explosion phase where the all out no holds behavior happens. The cycle is a never ending circle in your life UNTIL... you stop it's tract.
When you look at your behavior, you are deflecting blame onto yourself which is where he needs it to be to get away with what he does. The intermittent loving with the abuse keeps you off balance and stuck.
He can have others in his life and still be doing this with you. Don't be fooled into thinking he is sitting around lonely and longing. It's the nature to always be in motion to keep those feelings away.
The truth is that this relationship isn't healthy for you and you are suffering from it. What we do is spend way too much time trying to figure out how to please someone who doesn't even see us as human.
Learning how to detach and let him run his game alone is hard work for sure. If you step away from the whole thing and listen to your instinct, you will hear the truth you are looking for. He is what he is and no amount of your love and understanding will change him. That work is up to him. He may not be capable of it, but it's not your problem.
Please try and give this love and energy to yourself. If you aren't in therapy or getting some kind of support just for you, I hope you will.
Trust is a precious thing that many of these men fail to respect. If your STBXAH is anything like my ABF, he hasn't a real clue as to what he betrayed. You have every right to have a relationship in your life where you are able to trust and feel safe. It is there always and doesn't come and go based on the events of the day.
Remember...the words don't tell the truth. The truth is in the actions. If I had listened to my instinct and the actions, I would be way gone from my situation by now.
Sending you love and light.
Jilly
Have heard all the same sweet stuff and been on the end of some NASTY stuff too.
Is it manipulation? You bet it is. Have you looked up the cycle of domestic abuse? Alcoholism is a different conditon and is usually to blame for abusive behavior. Read up on it. He is chosing his actions to be nasty to you.
It starts with the honeymoon phase which is all the coos and cuddlies then it moves to the tension building phase where the annoyances and the behaviors that cause dischord are found and finally it is the explosion phase where the all out no holds behavior happens. The cycle is a never ending circle in your life UNTIL... you stop it's tract.
When you look at your behavior, you are deflecting blame onto yourself which is where he needs it to be to get away with what he does. The intermittent loving with the abuse keeps you off balance and stuck.
He can have others in his life and still be doing this with you. Don't be fooled into thinking he is sitting around lonely and longing. It's the nature to always be in motion to keep those feelings away.
The truth is that this relationship isn't healthy for you and you are suffering from it. What we do is spend way too much time trying to figure out how to please someone who doesn't even see us as human.
Learning how to detach and let him run his game alone is hard work for sure. If you step away from the whole thing and listen to your instinct, you will hear the truth you are looking for. He is what he is and no amount of your love and understanding will change him. That work is up to him. He may not be capable of it, but it's not your problem.
Please try and give this love and energy to yourself. If you aren't in therapy or getting some kind of support just for you, I hope you will.
Trust is a precious thing that many of these men fail to respect. If your STBXAH is anything like my ABF, he hasn't a real clue as to what he betrayed. You have every right to have a relationship in your life where you are able to trust and feel safe. It is there always and doesn't come and go based on the events of the day.
Remember...the words don't tell the truth. The truth is in the actions. If I had listened to my instinct and the actions, I would be way gone from my situation by now.
Sending you love and light.
Jilly
The girl with the broken smile
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Richmond, VA.
Posts: 42
I've heard it all as well. I give myself a visual so I do not get sucked back in. I picture him hanging onto a thread getting ready to snap. He's made me feel I am his last ditch effort. Until he can care about himself (which at his point he does not) and lose the complete selfishness(if he ever can) I just keep this little picture in my head. I'm the child of alcoholic parents (both deceased) and wife of ah so it's real easy for me to fall into that make it better mode. Through all this I have been to the point where my prayers have consisted of 1 word. Mercy, peace, comfort for instance. SOmetimes you just get to the point where you can't do that and your spirit just cries out. I believe with all of my heart that my children and I will have this. I believe you will too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by goldenleaves 
I have had enough,
Meetings help get the committees out of my head.
In my forest.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 31
Thank you all, as ever you make my life, and each day so much easier to get through.
Jilly, I have a great therapist who I see weekly (saw her today), but she has just gone on leave for a month so I'm thinking 'yikes' I'll be forging ahead alone for a while - it will be interesting to see how I go. Lots of visits here! Thanks for your kind thoughts. Love and light back to you.
Minnie and cagefree - thanks! It always helps to get things re-confirmed in your own mind. That part about 'resenting me for having to be good' struck a chord. We always ended up there after a certain amount of time, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, last time it was a few months before we got back there.... but we still got there.
Heavenly, the visual is a great idea! Will try that one. Thanks!
Denny I love that last line - I think I will have to try to find and go to some meetings to settle the committees in my head. There are no al-anon ones directly where I live, but perhaps I can travel to one, especially while my therapist is away. I will look into it.
Jilly, I have a great therapist who I see weekly (saw her today), but she has just gone on leave for a month so I'm thinking 'yikes' I'll be forging ahead alone for a while - it will be interesting to see how I go. Lots of visits here! Thanks for your kind thoughts. Love and light back to you.
Minnie and cagefree - thanks! It always helps to get things re-confirmed in your own mind. That part about 'resenting me for having to be good' struck a chord. We always ended up there after a certain amount of time, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, last time it was a few months before we got back there.... but we still got there.
Heavenly, the visual is a great idea! Will try that one. Thanks!
Denny I love that last line - I think I will have to try to find and go to some meetings to settle the committees in my head. There are no al-anon ones directly where I live, but perhaps I can travel to one, especially while my therapist is away. I will look into it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 84
You can go to this site and read some of the chapters from the "getting Them Sober" series of books.
http://www.ceu-hours.com/gts/index.html
I found this information very valuable. There are chapters dealing with the uneasiness we feel when they are nice, as well as the "what if they get better?" questions. I hope that helps!
http://www.ceu-hours.com/gts/index.html
I found this information very valuable. There are chapters dealing with the uneasiness we feel when they are nice, as well as the "what if they get better?" questions. I hope that helps!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
being nice:
I've known very many addicts both active and in recovery who are very nice people and don't exhibit the negative behaviors listed in this thread. I've also known many people who do these things regardless of addiction.
My son has always been kind and loving to his family, I can't even count on one hand the times he has even spoken to me in an unkind manner. He's been in my home high on many occasions, over a period of 11 years, and even then was very compliant and sociable.
I'm certainly not complaining _but_ this very aspect of his nature is what has made detaching in love extremely difficult at times.
I've known very many addicts both active and in recovery who are very nice people and don't exhibit the negative behaviors listed in this thread. I've also known many people who do these things regardless of addiction.
My son has always been kind and loving to his family, I can't even count on one hand the times he has even spoken to me in an unkind manner. He's been in my home high on many occasions, over a period of 11 years, and even then was very compliant and sociable.
I'm certainly not complaining _but_ this very aspect of his nature is what has made detaching in love extremely difficult at times.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
I agree and have a similar situation with my AW. Greatest person when sober but falls so hard and denies all the way to detox when she relapses. It is always easier to detach from someone that is nasty, mean and abusive. When you have a generally good person with a disease it is difficult. I go from sad for my AW to pissed off that she can't stay sober. This disease is nothing but sad.....
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