CallMeSis

Hi. This is a long story, I'll try to be succinct, I apologize if it rambles.

I am the sister of the addict in this story. The "baby" sister, if you will. My big brother was a demi-god to me our youth. We were good kids and good siblings. Our childhood was unusual for its time. We were born in the '60's and our parents divorced when I was only 5 (big bro was 8) - Our dad was an alcoholic (I'm the daughter of the addict in that story...equally long) - there are bad memories associated with him and all that his addiction brought to us. He eventually left us, and left our mother penniless with two kids, no job, and a mortgage.

My mother is the very definition of "control freak" - the good part of that is that her controlling personality is the reason we all survived. She just buckled down and did it. Got a job, paid the bills, clothed the kids, did what she had to. It surely wasn't easy - as she is also the daughter of an alcoholic and the product of divorce (even more rare in the 40's, when her dad walked out) - My mother was raised by a very neurotic mother. One who insisted they hide their unusual family circumstances from the world and pretend they were "normal" - this meant constant moving around, changing schools, hiding from neighbors on holidays lest they realize the single mother and her daughter were alone for it. Consequently, my mother's general modis operandi is one of gargantuan privacy. She will not speak to any, nor any organization, about the "bad stuff" (unless of course it involves pointing the finger at her ex-husband or anyone else she can blame) - what she can't do is acknowledge her pain, disappointment, fear, or anything that reveals vulnerability to anyone - because she believes to do so makes her weak and, where it involves my brother, makes her a failed mother.

My brother's teenage years started out pretty typical - but by the time he went to college, he had turned a corner. The drinking was getting bad - at least, the bit that we saw was. My brother essentially went from his controlling mother's house, to college (where he had roomates) to marriage. He married a woman who may actually be more controlling than our mother. In time, the drinking caused too many problems in his marriage. About that same time, a back injury resulted in prescription painkillers. The rest is all downhill, as you can imagine. He gave up the hard-core drinking, and took on a drug addiction instead.

Fast forward to 2005. After decades of his lies, misplaced money, constant drama, constantly getting fired from every job he had - his wife finally left him. He was rooming with a buddy, who was also sort of employing him and paying him under the table. He didn't get much in the settlement and, what he did get, he quickly ran through. Eventually - 2 years later, that buddy suddenly kicked him out. We didn't know where he was for 6 months. No way to contact him. He finally surfaced and called our mom - he had found an old friend to take him in. Always being full of "hard luck" stories, which my mom buys in their entirety. This lead to a month and a half of her trying to "fix" everything. I should probably mention that my brother is in the 5th decade of life - and my mother in her 8th. My brother has a college degree and useful, employable skills. I keep telling my mom that he's chosen this life. She feels compelled to fix it because he guilts her into it and because she cannot bear for anyone, even her friends, to know about it.

Along the way, there are the usual strings of lies and stories and asking for loans from all of us and all of his friends. I don't think there's been an occasion in recent memory that I've seen him when he hasn't asked me for money. I've never given him any - well - not since the first time 20 years ago when I found out the sob story he'd given me, he also gave to both of our parents (their divorced, remember) and got money out of all three of us - which turned out to be for cocaine.

He's not my brother anymore. I really don't believe anything he says. I keep telling my mom to stop believing him and that, if she really wants to "help" him, then the best thing she could do is walk away. Let him hit bottom.

Yesterday was his deadline to be out of the friend's house he's been living with. He had 5 months to find a job and didn't bother. My mother, who has no income and lives of the scant resources she has, paid off his debts and gave him every opportunity and option to get out of his addiction and turn his life around for the past 6 weeks. Yet....as far as we know....he's either on the streets right now or living in his rusted out vehicle.

My mom keeps talking like she thinks she's supposed to take him in. I have really tried hard to get her to see she cannot do that. Not even for one night.

Sigh. I don't know what to do with all of this. I don't know how to help my brother get treatment - I don't even know if he wants it. I don't really even know what substances we're dealing with (since I can't believe all his stories) - he says it's Vicodin and Methodone. All being prescribed for back pain, supposedly.

Is there such a thing as free - or nearly free - detox/rehab?

I think I have already mourned the loss of that beloved big brother I had. For so long, I protected him in my mind and memory, kept believing that he'd come around and that i'd be there waiting to help him, after he'd burned all the other bridges. But there just isn't a shred of him left. And I don't think I want to help this person he is now.

What do I do with that?

Spiritual Seeker

it is awful to watch a loved one become a stranger and to know that we are powerless to get them back. We have to practice detachment because that is the only way to minimize our grief.

splendra

(((((CallMeSis)))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery!!

I have sibling in their 5 decade who are still stung out on drugs and alcohol and my mom in her 7th decade still gives them food and shelter. It is a mess.

I stand back from them and let their drama do its thing every time I have tried to step in and help my mom I become the bad guy. So now I listen to her talk but I do not offer to help her. It is painful to see my mom in her twilight years so engrossed in the lives of my siblings. Personally I think she deserves better. I have paid off my moms credit cards and given her money and she just lets them run them back up so I don't do it any more.

I have found that it is a lot like dealing with death without the actual closure and finality.

I hope you keep posting. I sure others will be along to welcome you soon.

tropikgal2

If he wants treatment, most States have programs with a sliding scale. If he is making no money, then the scale will be adjusted accordingly. They may have a detox facility for the first 7 days to get him clean enough to start an out-patient program. I hate to say this, but if he has been taking scripts like methadone (which usually isn't prescribed for pain but I guess it can be) and now he's living on the streets with no $$ there is a good chance he's already turned to heroin. Heroin is (unfortunately) really cheap right now due to a bumper crop of opium in Afghanistan and presciption drugs are expensive especially on the street.
If he really wants help (which only HE can want to change his life and be successful) he can live at the SallyAnn or other shelter, and work day jobs at Man-Power. Where there is a will, there is a way. Street addicts get help everyday and actually turn their lives around so there IS hope. Only he can make that decision.
((HUGS))) for you, my dear.

notsleepingwell

Welcome to SR!!! You've come to the right place. My daughter is my addict. She is 30, and I am raising her 12 year old son.

She was homeless, hooking for money for drugs, and just so emaciated I hardly recognized her anymore. But we are taking baby steps to recovery.

Lots more will be along to welcome you!!!

notsleepingwell

ooops...forgot to say...

read the sticky's at the top of the forums.....there are a ton of books on addiction that help you understand and help you deal with issues.

Most of all, take care of you!!! Your mom will do what she will do. You can no more control her, than you can control your brother.

Glad to see you here!!!

Welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, sis. have you thought of naranon or alanon meetings for yourself?

keep posting! blessings, k

BigSis

Hi Sis... another sibling, here.

My little sister got me here originally, then my kids kept me here.

I know that the brother you love IS inside that addiction. You can always love him for who you know him to "truly" be.

My program of Alanon (no Naranon in my area) has helped me more with my family of origin issues than ANY other thing I've tried. I recognize a lot of your mom's characteristics... I would be her, given enough time. I also recognize me in you... wanting so badly to make things better.

There are several "free" rehabs (Salvation Army is one)... but unless he is willing, they are likely a waste of time. You might also check with your states' medical insurance for indigents... our state medical coupons DO pay for rehab - on a bed available basis.

Often, once a person gets tangled up with the law, the courts can also order rehab... sometimes, that can work like an intervention - adding "motivation" to the mix.

But for me, Alanon made the biggest difference. I urge you to try several meetings to see if it also works for you.

((hugs))

LovesLife

I know exactly what you mean about the person you knew and loved being gone. I have experienced this same thing. Someone is spinning out of control and there is no way to know where it ends. And that is so hard. I have had to detach - I've tried before and got sucked right back in. But this time I have a new attitude and a new resolve. I thank God for my other grown children and my husband, all of whom find this as baffling as I do. I have to stay strong and committed to my own recovery from codependence for their sakes, as well as mine. I know this in my brain, and only time is making it easier. I pray, like you do, that something will change. But I know that I can't make it happen. What I can do is make it worse. I had to let go and let God, even though my A was furious when I said that. The response I got was was "f___ you".

Thanks to all of you. I am so thankful for all the posts. Makes me feel not so alone. I try to take it one day at a time and enjoy my life that day.

bookmiser

(((((CallMeSis)))))




No words of wisdom. Just support and prayers.
I had an brother who was 13 years older than me. He went into the army when I was 6. Was stationed in Germany for 4 years. He became an alcoholic there.
Had a wife of 25 years, 4 daughters and 2 grandbabies when he died in his kitchen from a heart attack. Was a raging alcoholic all that time.
I miss my big brother, but there was nothing that anyone could do.
My mother, not only enabled him, she was an alcoholic with him.
It was/is a vicious cycle in our family.
My son has had his own addiction to drugs over the years.
Thank God, he's clean for now. He's never actually done recovery.
Just gone through alot of bad stuff and reached a certain "bottom".
Whatever works, I guess.
I've been here since 2005 and I am so much better for it.
Just being with others who can relate, understand, and lend an ear.
Keep praying, detaching, and sharing your pain with us.
Sharing the recovery road with ya,
Linda

hope213

welcome to S.R., glad you are here. this site has saved my sanity.my 36yr.old son is the addict in my life. he started drinking at 17 & by the time he was 23 he was serving his first prison sentence due to drugs, he is addicted to crack.i have put up tons of $$$ for bails,lawyers & rehabs.he is still active & looking at another longgg prison term.the 3 c's have helped me alot.i used to think i was the only mom who was going thru this.i like your mom thought it was my fault.now i know i did not CAUSE it,i can not CONTROL it, & i can not CURE it.their is nothing you can do for your brother or your mother.if she is not willing to work a recovery program & learn how to let go of her son there is nothing you can do.that goes for your brother too.as long as your mom is willing to give him everything he wants he will never hit his bottom.my son has not hit his,some addicts never do.this is sad for me to face but i have learned to let go & let God.it is not easy.you can learn to take care of yourself & have a peaceful life. there are rehabs for your brother if he wants recovery but he has got to really want the help.i am sending prayers up for u,your brother & your mom. keep coming back.hugs,hope

patchoulli

I know exactly what you mean also. I lost my fiancee from a drug overdose. He was not the same person I adored when he died. He was a drug seeking, lying, stealing, sneaky, animal with one instinct...get high. It is a horrible thing to watch. Everyone of us here have a story like yours. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed, I ask for advice here. Things seem so crazy that I can't see the forest thru the trees...Read Anns post everyday...nice way to start the day. Keep coming back..unfortunately we all understand...Welcome...Marian

ladyamalthea

Callmesis,

Wow... you sound so much like me about six months ago. I have been exactly where you are, at least in the sibling parts of it. The only advice I can give you is that, in this situation, any time you find yourself wondering what you can do with something, the long and short of it is that you will save yourself so many headaches if you do nothing. I know that sounds hard. So many people tried to tell me the same thing, and I didn't feel like I could give up... I felt like I was abandoning my mom and my sister if I didn't try to help somehow. All I did in the process was make things worse for myself, annoy my mom, and my sister heard little to none of my mind on the matter, only the parts she wanted to hear... which was very little.

The best thing you can do to help your brother or your mom is to take care of yourself. Whenever your brother does hit bottom, he will most likely need your support for recovery. As far as your mom goes, she is more than likely in denial... if she sees you taking care of yourself first, she just might catch on and follow your example. Tell her that the only time you want to discuss your brother is at Alanon or Naranon meetings, where you guys can be around others who are in your very position. That will probably at least get her in the door. Believe me, she needs to recover from this as much as anyone else does.

I know firsthand how hard it is to be the only one in the family who is not an addict or in denial, but ultimately you cannot begin to help anyone until you help yourself.

*hugs and prayers*

greeteachday

Just wanted to add my welcome and hope you will keep reading and posting. I found Naranon meetings really helped me too! Hugs

caileesnana

Welcome!
Lots of good people here that have been/are where you are right now. They have good advise and won't lead you wrong. Keep reading and posting..it does help.

Prayers for you and your family,
susan

krhea75

Sorry for your pain, welcome to our group of friends. You will find help and support here but no easy answers. My addict is my son who has been active in alcohol and weed for 3 years. He is only 17. I am trying to detach as a mom and finding it hard. I understand your mom, but I don't want to be 80 and still enabling. I would offer that you should start on your own path to recovery. You have done that by showing up here. My prayers are with you.
krhea