Isn't it ironic?
krhea75
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Isn't it ironic?
Well, after refusing to go back to rehab for a 3 week recharge and then off to a halfway house, my son seemed to be on track to taking charge of his recovery. A mere week later, he has broken his curfew repeatedly, stolen an addiction dvd series and hocked it ( isn't that ironic). Also he stole some of his adderall out of my safe and sold it to others. I found the remains of an instant message where he was bragging to someone else. So now I have told him if he doesn't go back willingly to rehab, I will have him arrested. We are talking to the rehab place and the wheels are turning. We have to get him on a waiting list and then of course wait. In the meantime, I am a bit agitated inside. I keep wondering if i should have just had him arrested and sit in jail. I am trying to detach. My son is now a dealer, not just a user. I think of how angry I feel towards dealers, and then I see my own son's face. I know I feel sorry for him way too much. I just don't know how to stop doing that.
He knows how to say the things that trigger my emotions, and even though I know this, it is hard to stop feeling hurt, sad, etc. Sometimes I feel like he would have done better if he had had a different parent, one who was stronger. But all he has is me.
krhea
He knows how to say the things that trigger my emotions, and even though I know this, it is hard to stop feeling hurt, sad, etc. Sometimes I feel like he would have done better if he had had a different parent, one who was stronger. But all he has is me.
krhea
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Hang in there. is your son of adult age? If so, it sounds like time to have him leave because the chaos is driving you nuts. His lifestyle needs to go somewhere else if he refuses rehab
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Its not about us parents krhea, although we do sometimes get in the way 
I spent a lot of time beating myself up for not being stronger...never had to put my interests before my kids before. But then I realized I needed to be stronger for the both of us, and that there was a chance I would be the only one that changed.
My kid used the day he got out of rehab. And several times later too. I thought all was lost. But soon the spaces in between the addict behavior began to get longer and longer, and today he does well.
Its a journey, with each moving at a different pace. Funny, but it wasn't until I "gave up" on him so to speak, that he finally took control himself. Had I known that I would've given up the wheel long before.
We do what we can do at the moment, and learn and grow as we go.
Prayers for peace and clarity for both you and your son
((((Hugs))))
Cece
I spent a lot of time beating myself up for not being stronger...never had to put my interests before my kids before. But then I realized I needed to be stronger for the both of us, and that there was a chance I would be the only one that changed.
My kid used the day he got out of rehab. And several times later too. I thought all was lost. But soon the spaces in between the addict behavior began to get longer and longer, and today he does well.
Its a journey, with each moving at a different pace. Funny, but it wasn't until I "gave up" on him so to speak, that he finally took control himself. Had I known that I would've given up the wheel long before.
We do what we can do at the moment, and learn and grow as we go.
Prayers for peace and clarity for both you and your son
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Krhea, I'm sorry...I know this is truly painful. I totally echo what Cece said, although i could never say it as clearly as she has. It isn't you...please don't think so. Remember those 3 C's. The disease is progressive as you can see. It is very hard to see our kids progress in addiction. We can not shut off how this hurts us...just keep moving forward each little step at a time. Hugs and prayers for both of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Cloud 9
Posts: 778
krhea, Your son is very lucky to have you. As far as feeling sorry for your son, keep working on it. You'll get there. Keep practicing "no" . Remind yourself that he has an opportunity to get stronger when he has to clean up his own messes & take responsability for his actions. It is a natural "mom" thing to not want to see our children hurt, make bad choices ect. Just keep practicing, it is not easy. From one mom to another sending hugs & prayers to you both.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((Krhea)))))))
Hey! I know your guilt, pain, and shame. Had alotta o' that myself from time to time.
Your son is still a young boy. (16 right?) It's not too late for him or you, for that matter.
I was 17 when my son was born. I was a junior in h.s. and 2 weeks before the year ended, I found out I was pregnant. This is a long, long story. I'm not gonna go into it here. (we can talk if ya wanna pm me)
Anyway, I did the best I could. I felt like I'd jumped from 18-30 overnight.
I worked full time, received my G.E.D., (Big Whoop) and tried to "fix" my alcoholic husband. All at the ripe old age of 21. When I became pregnant again, I realized I was the one that had to take responsibility for my own life. No one else's.
When my daughter was 3 and my son was 8, I divorced him.
Long road, lotsa tangles, but we all survived.
I really didn't "know" know about my son's addiction until he was 19.
He'd been living with a gf all that year.
Imagine my guilt. A child, raising a child with an alcoholic grandma, step-grandpa, uncle, dad, ect. It took a long time for me to let go of some of that guilt.
"I was too busy with my own life"
"I pawned him off on others, so I could have fun"
"I should have been a better hands-on parent".
Too many shoulda's, coulda's, and woulda's. lol
I didn't mature and "grow up "myself" until my mom let me go.
When she died at 62. I was 30.
Ha! This turned out longer than I wanted it to.
Okay, enough pity partying from me.
We do the best we can with what we've got. Right?
Do the best you can.
It's never too late. Put your foot (fill in the _______) where it needs to be
and pray for a good outcome.
I read this book about a mother and daughter. The daughter was 15 when her mother sent her to an extensive rehab. Both learned sooo much over the course of 2 years. About each other, themselves, and where it all stemmed from. It was called, "Comeback" by Claire and Mia Fontaine. You should get counseling for yourself and learn the how to's of loving and guiding a young addict.
I'm praying for you and your son daily.
Love and understanding,
Linda
Hey! I know your guilt, pain, and shame. Had alotta o' that myself from time to time.
Your son is still a young boy. (16 right?) It's not too late for him or you, for that matter.
I was 17 when my son was born. I was a junior in h.s. and 2 weeks before the year ended, I found out I was pregnant. This is a long, long story. I'm not gonna go into it here. (we can talk if ya wanna pm me)
Anyway, I did the best I could. I felt like I'd jumped from 18-30 overnight.
I worked full time, received my G.E.D., (Big Whoop) and tried to "fix" my alcoholic husband. All at the ripe old age of 21. When I became pregnant again, I realized I was the one that had to take responsibility for my own life. No one else's.
When my daughter was 3 and my son was 8, I divorced him.
Long road, lotsa tangles, but we all survived.
I really didn't "know" know about my son's addiction until he was 19.
He'd been living with a gf all that year.
Imagine my guilt. A child, raising a child with an alcoholic grandma, step-grandpa, uncle, dad, ect. It took a long time for me to let go of some of that guilt.
"I was too busy with my own life"
"I pawned him off on others, so I could have fun"
"I should have been a better hands-on parent".
Too many shoulda's, coulda's, and woulda's. lol
I didn't mature and "grow up "myself" until my mom let me go.
When she died at 62. I was 30.
Ha! This turned out longer than I wanted it to.
Okay, enough pity partying from me.
We do the best we can with what we've got. Right?
Do the best you can.
It's never too late. Put your foot (fill in the _______) where it needs to be
and pray for a good outcome.
I read this book about a mother and daughter. The daughter was 15 when her mother sent her to an extensive rehab. Both learned sooo much over the course of 2 years. About each other, themselves, and where it all stemmed from. It was called, "Comeback" by Claire and Mia Fontaine. You should get counseling for yourself and learn the how to's of loving and guiding a young addict.
I'm praying for you and your son daily.
Love and understanding,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
(((Khrea)))
My son sold, too, to make money for his own habit, involving groups of "friends" ~ who buy and sell among themselves.
This is just one more of those insane, destructive, horrific, hair-tearing things that addicts justify in their own tilted, insane mind. Along with lying, cheating, stealing, etc.
Which makes it all the more amazing when they do get clean and sober, and that stuff starts to melt away and you recognize an actual human being inside.
So...from one sometimes-anguished mom to another: You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
prayers for you and your son...nitelite
My son sold, too, to make money for his own habit, involving groups of "friends" ~ who buy and sell among themselves.
This is just one more of those insane, destructive, horrific, hair-tearing things that addicts justify in their own tilted, insane mind. Along with lying, cheating, stealing, etc.
Which makes it all the more amazing when they do get clean and sober, and that stuff starts to melt away and you recognize an actual human being inside.
So...from one sometimes-anguished mom to another: You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
prayers for you and your son...nitelite
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
you are caring and good parent, krhea - you didn't cause this.
i hope your son is ready this time. it would be so great if he could recovery at such a young age, and still have so many young adult years ahead of him, clean and sober.
blessings, k
i hope your son is ready this time. it would be so great if he could recovery at such a young age, and still have so many young adult years ahead of him, clean and sober.
blessings, k
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