lostnfound1961

OK, after my big fight with the hubby the other night I realized that most of the crap that makes me crazy is comming from my trying to controle everything around me. I was reading about the Karpman Drama Triangle and boy if that aint me!
I realize my husband is an alcoholic and he is not such a nice person sometimes when he drinks, but I have been trying to controle it and him and I need to, as they say. Put my feelings back in my pockets and let him have his.
I just need to stay focused on my recovory and my well being and see where it leads me.

My sence of being no one doesn't come from him. It comes from me. I give and I give and I give tell it hurts. He doesn't ask me to give and give and even when he does (I could say no) but I don't.

Here is one other thing I did the other night. I asked him if the big deal to him was that (I) hd an issue with his drinking and he said yes. (He didn't feel I should) So I told him from here on out, I have no issue with it. (It's not my issues to have). Now I don't know if he understands what I did, but what I did was give his alcoholism back to him. It's not mine to worry about or fight. It belongs to him. As soon as I said it to him I felt a burdon lift.

Anyway... I hope you all had a nice 4th. I spent most of mine alone but thats ok. Did some reading watched some tv and cooked ribs on the BBQ.
All in all, a good day.
D

thinkmink

Good for you for not riding the pity train forever! In a way it is gratifying. i rode it plenty. The "oh, poor me" and "so unfair" talk sure did feel good lieing around by myself (or having others) lick my wounds. It's been liberating to me to realize that I don't have to be angry and hurt all the time. For me, I finally am coming around to accept that my AH is an alcoholic. It's a disease and I am finally not angry (most of the time ...hey progress, not perfection!) about him having this disease. It would be like being mad at him for having cancer. That doesn't mean that I will accept unacceptable behavior. Nope. Not at all.

Spiritual Seeker

Accepting what is and changing what you can, yourself , are healthy thoughts.
Giving up control, which we don't have anyway, is huge. I've learned to give it up in multile areas of my life: best thing I ever did. Wish I would have learned that sooner.
I don't know how you live w/ an alkie, but it sounds like you are learning healthy ways to cope." progress not perfection "

lostnfound1961

Seeker,
This is why I can live with an alkie, I am one and I grew up in a house full of them. It seemed like the only time anyone had any real fun was when mom and dad were drinking. Most kids grow up with dreams of getting their own life and home. I grew up looking forward to the day I could go out and drink with them. When I turned 21 one of the first things I did was go hang with them and all their friends who then became my friends.

Now I will also also tell you that some of the worst times were when they were drinking. Mostly my mom. Between her and my aunt I was constantly calming them and giving them love that they didn't think they could have. They would say things like (I've been bad, Please don't hate me) and they would cry. I remember my sister just walking away because she had a lot of anger in her about this. Me..... I hugged them and told them I loved them and nothing would ever change that. I would tell them everything would be ok and make them laugh with a joke or funny faces I made. I can't tell you how young I was when this started but I know I was at least 8.

See.... I don't know how to be with someone who isn't an alcoholic. I don't know what normal love is. If I am totaly honest with my self...... I don't believe that anyone could realy love me. It's like I am the broken toy a child throws away because I am no longer any for or useful for anthing.

I know that sounds like I am back on th pitty pot but I'm not. I'm not sitting here feeling sad and crying. I'm just realy looking in and seeing how I have always felt about my self.

OK, this is going to sound silly but sometimes when I have real strong feelings about something I need to write a song about it. I may not resolve the issue but if I write it in a way the realy exrpesses how I feel and I feel I have writen a good song.... It makes me feel so much better.

The one I am working on now is called (What do you do with the broken ones) It's about a person who feel broken and is asking God that question. The chores ends with (I need to know).

Well.... I guess I had better get bussy. I sure hope everyone has a great weekend.
D

Spiritual Seeker

I love your honesty. Do you go to Alanon and AA?
I am always amazed at creative people such as yourself.

LaTeeDa

And one day, maybe you will look back at this as a moment of clarity. I can so relate to all you posted about growing up in an alcoholic home, and feeling broken and unlovable. I know all too well about those feelings.

It concerns me how resigned you sound when you write this. Just because you have always felt that way, doesn't mean you always have to. I am living proof that change is possible. Not easy, but definitely possible. I can tell you I no longer feel like a misfit in the universe. I am a unique individual with much to celebrate, and so are you.

Maybe I interpreted what you wrote as resignation when you really didn't mean it that way. I hope so.

L

gns

Dear lostandfound1961,

It is GREAT that you have as much insight about how feel about yourself as you do. It took me YEARS just to figure that out!

It sounds like a lot of childhood trauma.

Have you tried EMDR? My new therapist has been helping me with that. It is a way to re-process core emotional experiences. I tried talk therapy (as well as past-life regreession, psychics, and all kinds of crazy stuff) and that didn't help me too much.

lostnfound1961

EMDR? I have no idea what that is. I have read up on and gone to a couple meetings for ACOA but that was years ago. Now that I am grown up and have been through the drinking thing my self, I can understand stuff from another prospective. I also know a lot more about my mom and dad and how they were brought up, what they went through and how that affected the way they delt with us kids. My dad came from a home where my grandmother was GOD and you best not ever talk back to GOD. There was not hugs from GOD and his dad knew better than to talk back to her either. So that leaves my dad a very angery little boy who has no idea how to be intamate or loving to anyone. He hated GOD and decided he was going to be the GOD of his house and thats that. Now don't get me wrong. My dad only spanked me once and it didn't even hurt. He did however yell and you just knew not to cross him. My mom on the other hand was a total mess. Her dad was a mean drunk who abused his little girls and her mom was in and out of the mentel hospital all of the time. There are a thousand things she would never tell me but some times things slip out. She once told me she could never stand the sound of a baby crying for it's mom. It didn't matter whos kid it was, she had to do something to stop the crying because it hurt her to the core.

I have a void in me. A void from having parents that didn't know how to be there (in a healthy and correct way) but my mom had a void the size of the univerce and the shame to go with it. I understand why she drank. And then to have to deal with having one kid die another be become ******** due to a fever and just kids being kids in general.

It wasn't tell my mom stropped drinking at about 72.... that they figured out she had issues with angziaty. (I know my spelling sucks) anyway, I leared a lot and forgave them long ago but I also know that I will never have kids of my own because I wont take the chance of them having to deal with the same issues from me and my husband. (he is so like my dad)

Funny I remember telling my mom and friends that I would never put up with the **** she did with my dad, and here I am.....

Here is the sad thing. I can see all the ansures. I understand my situation and yet I am frozen. There is part of me that knows if I walk out that door and move on there is something wonderful wating for me but another part of me wont let me go. It would be like killing a part of me. Does that make any sence to anyone?

OK, I am ending this note with a smile because the sun is out, it's Friday adn my work day is soon to be over.
Have a great weekend.
D

LaTeeDa

((((Lost))))

You have amazing insight. Figuring out and admitting how you got to be where you are is often the toughest part of healing. You've already cleared that hurdle. Now all you need are some tools to help you move forward. There are many ways you can accquire them. Al-anon, ACOA, counseling/therapy, etc. I hope you will continue to seek answers. It's okay to ask for help. In my case, I felt that my issues were much too intense and personal to share with a group of any kind. I got lucky and found a counselor who is an ACoA as well as an addictions specialist. She helped me to see and understand many things about life that I probably wouldn't have on my own.

Here is a site that inspired me to begin changing. Maybe it will do the same for you. Best wishes on your journey.

http://www.joy2meu.com/

L

lostnfound1961

Thank you. I did have a counceler for a while but to be honest..... I chickened out. When it got tough and I was crying a lot, all I wanted to do was be alone. I didn't want to cry any more and taking the clinical out of what I know and putting the emotions into it hurts soooooo bad. I guess if I had stayed on the antidepressents I would have kept going but I hated those things. They made me into a zombe.

I can tell you that my dad only told me he loved me once. (on a dare in a tavern) I can tell you that and feel nothing about it. but if I think about that day and how I had to dare him to hear those words, and feel what I felt. It hurts deeply. He figured I was joking and I got him to say he loved me and that he was proud of me and then I ran to the bathroom and cried my eyes out.

OK, I could write lengthy notes all day but I have to go home now. (I only write from work) Since my husband found out I cheeted he now goes through everything and I don't want him reading my posts. It's not his to read.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!
D

Maggie12

LostNFound -

I am so proud of you. This is the way I started to think and feel when I was 'done' with trying to live my life with my Alcoholic. I packed up all my things while his was at work - moved my stuff to a storage unit.

I wasn't exactly ready to leave, so I thought - well when this gets worse I can just grab my purse and walk out the door. This gave me the power within to reject his behaviour. I let him puke and bleed from glass cuts all other the floor, twist his ankles on the step, break all of HIS stuff... punch holes in HIS walls. It was great and really sad.

I can't tell you how many times I locked myself in my 'office' and watched movies on my computer. I just let him rage on his own. I walked over him several times in the morning, broken dishes, electronic equipment, dry wall, you name it.

He hit rock bottom because I said no more to him. This is what lead him to seek professional help. I wasn't helping him be an alcoholic, and I had decided I would not waste energy on him anymore. I was already moving on in my head, just waiting for my emotions to catch up.

He is recovered now, and still very strong. He is the man I fell in love with. He just got side tracked by the alcohol. I wish you the very best, and hope it works out. Hopefully he will see the light and want to fix himself.