nmt51605

Thanks To Everyone Who Helped Me With My Bad Day
Lots Of Hugs To Everyone

But My Bad Days Keep Continueing
Im So Fed Up Of Being The Bad Guy When I Know Im Not.
Im Debating Wether To Just Call The Whole Wedding Off Or If I Should Still Marry Him.
He Goes From Prince Charming To Frankenstein In 60 Seconds And I Dont Know If It Will Ever Change.
The Church Is Ready, So Is Everything Else But Im Not Sure If He Really Wants To Commit To Me And Stay Away From Everything. Its Hard To Understand Him Sometimes.
I Told Him That I Was Willing To Postpone The Wedding If He Was Feeling To Pressured By It. Before He Told Me He Still Wanted To Get Married On The Same Day And Now He Said He Still Wants To But He Doesnt Know If He Can Take The Pressure
What Does That Mean? Im Planning The Whole Wedding Anyway He Has Taken The Back Seat This Entire Time. I Dont Understand I Know He Wants To Be With Me And He Wants To Marry Me But He Wont Give Me A Straightanswer We Are Having A Talk Later Hopfully Things Will Turn Out Ok.
I Just Want And Need To Be Happy Why Is That So Hard For Him To Understand?

Guinevere

NMT, it sounds as though there are doubts on both sides. This doesn't seem like the formula for a successful marriage. The institution is hard enough without going in with reservations. Nothing is more dangerous to personal happiness than a troubled union. I think irritating habits are amplified when you tie the knot.

parentrecovers

you're allowed to take more time, nmt. you have choices, k

atalose

It does sound like you both are having doubts about this and postponing the wedding sounds like the smart thing to do. His pressure may be in having to give up everything in order to marry you. What kind of a program is he working to stay clean/sober?
Listen to your instints and your doubts always put those first.

HKAngel24

I would ask yourself if you are marrying the man that you "hope" he can be and that you "Want" him to be or are you marrying the man that he is today - someone on this forum urged me to consider whether or not I could be happy knowing that this is the best I will ever see of him.

This is difficult if our loved one has previous been a person that you truly loved and have changed drastically from the man that you fell in love with. This is my problem. I hold on tightly to what I KNEW him to be and have surged forward despite being knocked down time and time again believing that maybe he could return to that. Maybe for me is the key word. Its terrifying to consider the other alternative - that this is who they may continue being. Boy do I know that Prince Charming to Frankenstein in sixty seconds- terrifying. Can you continue to deal with the mood swings? I am not sure I know your entire story, but regardless, you deserve to marry a man who is SURE of what he wants and who WILL as the vows say, love and cherish you.

It important to remind yourself that you DO have choices. Even though you feel like you don't and that there are more powerful forces pushing you in either direction- ultimately this is YOUR life and YOUR future- you get to decide what you do with it. I could not imagine how difficult this must be.

My thoughts are with you.

notsleepingwell

I think it takes tremendous strength of character to stand back at this point and say..."lets wait and see". It's sooo hard when things are set in motion. But I think you are already having red flags and would be foolish to ignore them!!

I don't know your story, but if you are marrying an addict...please wait...sounds like there are some misgivings here. RED FLAG!!!!

dollydo

Lots of red flags in your post.

There is no way I'd get married under these circumstances. There is no rush to marry, it's better not to, than make the biggest mistake of your life.

splendra

(((nmt)))

I went and read all of your post so I would have a point of reference....

I really feel a lot of compassion for you.

My question for you is why would you marry someone who refuses to understand you? He hasn't been in recovery long. I kinda wonder if he is still using....

I have a lot of experience with addicts....they can really turn everything upside down when active. They are moody after they use and are starting to come down.

It sounds like he has had a really terrible life and I know you feel a lot of compassion for what he has lived thru. Only a monster wouldn't.

You can't save him from his demons. He has to face them himself. You say he is in therapy it could take him a while and several relapses to work thru it.

Something as important and life changing as marriage ought not be entered into with all this baggage. I am hoping you will consider postponing your wedding until he can get a little more recovery under his belt.

I have found that most addicts try to minimize how much they use and for how long they have been doing it unless they are clean and sober. We (codies) turn a blind eye to this reality and by the time we find out they have been using most likely for quite a while. It takes a while to get to know them and to see all their patterns.

He may have been able to hold off his mood swings until he was sure he had you hooked he must think you will take anything he dishes out or has let his guard down with you and now what you see is what you get. Don't base your marriage on hoping he will change back to the way he was cause most likely he won't...

Taking5

NMT,


If you approach him with reservations about the wedding, why are you surprised that he responds in kind? It makes perfect sense to me. I think you are creating your own chaos.

Also, I have been dying to ask, no disrespect intended, but please tell me:

Why Do You Capitalize Every Frickin' Word?

just for today

Your post reminded me of this little article.......Good luck in whatever you decide to do.......as some of the others stated "lots of red flags"



Loving Too Much
(Author Unknown)

When being in love, means being in pain, we are loving too much.

When most of our conversation with intimate friends are about the other person, we are loving too much.

When we excuse their moodiness, temper, indifference or put downs and try to become their therapist, we are loving too much.

When we read self-help books and underline passages we think would help them, we are loving too much.

When we don't like many of their basic characteristics, values, and behaviors, but we put up with them thinking that they will want to change for us, we are loving too much.

When the relationship jeopardizes our emotional well being and perhaps our physical health, we are loving too much.

hope213

sounds as if you have doubts,sounds as if he has lots of doubts.you can not change a person.if you are not happy with him the way he is today you will never be happy at all.lots of advice ahead of me but i will say it is alot harded to get out of than to get into & a whole lot more money.your choice.

tropikgal2

My advice to you is put the wedding on hold. SOunds like both of you are unsure. Divorce is expensive and messy. Just take a breath and think.

Wascally Wabbit

This sums it up nicely. Ask yourself if you are comfortable living with Frankenstein.
Frankee only got worse as the story goes.
Nothing is worse than a bad marriage that leaves you unfufilled, unloved, not respected and unsure of everything.
Take your time on the decision. Just because everything is ready for a wedding should not get in your way of making a LIFE CHANGING decision.
And life changing it is, for better or worse!

finallyout

nmt, my advice to you is to hold off on the wedding. about 11 yrs i was in the exact same situation as you are now. he was using on and off, i had just discovered it, he promised to quit for me when we got married, i worried and planned the wedding and thought that being married and having children would change him. IT DIDN'T. if he is emotionally in a place where he does not understand what you need this is not the time to be getting married, it will not help the situation. i have spent the last 11 yrs in a living hell with an on and off again active addict, i wouldn't wish that upon anyone. and eventhough he is now in recovery i'm not so sure that all i went thru with him was really worth it in the end. i'm sorry if this sounds harsh, i would just hate to see anyone go thru what i have. the way you describe his mood changing from prince charming to frankenstein so quickly is a classic sign of active addiction. please think carefully before walking down the aisle. i wish you the best whatever you decide to do.

nmt51605

thanks to everyone
but dont think for a second im trying to sugar coat the situation . i know i really need to sit down and think. i think for once im going to put myself first . and despite everything i dont regret having to go through any of this. ireally still think that everything happens for a reason. and maybe this whole situation will finally bring with it some peace.
my whole life has been nothing but issues. i have always tried to be strong for eveyrone else but i finally realize that i need to do it for me. there is no one else more important to me right now than me. and no matter what happens with my bf and i know im going to get help for myself and no one else.
the only person that i have right now is me and thats it. really i have no one else thats why i come here to blow off some steam
thanks to everyone

finallyout

way to go! thats a great step to be taking. and feel free to blow off steam here and vent all you want, i know i do! and btw, you are not alone, we are here and we've been alot of the same things as you. let us know how things are going for you.