DII

I'd like some advice...

How do you balance the amount of time you spend examining your feelings about the relationship with your AW...

VS

Getting on with your life and happiness.

I LIKE the wall I have built up to protect myself from my AW but am I hurting myself, emotionally, in the long run if I don't address this issue?

Also, how do you deal with the enablers that judge you for building a wall and creating distance from your AW? Especially family that says "she is working on her disease and needs your support".

Now that my AW and I are living separately, sides are being drawn. I hate this feeling.

minnie

Hi DII.

I don't know quite how to respond to you.

How is she "working on her disease"? And have you sought help for yourself?

DII

Good catch...

My AW is is in daily AA meetings, twice per week therapy, on Antabuse, daily contact with her sponsor.

I am once a week in therapy, once a week in family therapy with AW and two sons 14 and 17.

Thanks!

splendra

If you feel like you are moving forward then maybe the amount of time you are spending is correct for you if you feel stuck maybe you need to give therapy a little more juice.

denny57

I don't think building walls is a good idea. It keeps me in the hurt. Learning loving detachment has been key for me, and I got exposed to that idea in Al-Anon. It has also been extremely helpful that my therapist is an addictions specialist. It has been very important to me to have support from those who truly understand what it's like to live with addiction.

thinkmink

how long has the recovery been in process? usually it's recommended to give recovery a year before making major decisions like leaving a marriage. It's hard to sit still and feel the hurt. But it's important to work through the emotions because they won't go away.

DesertEyes

Hello there DII, and pleased to meet you

In al-anon that's called a "Fourth step". Basically, you examine your motives and actions and determine if your intentions are honest, open and willing. Notice that there's three steps that come before it, which will give you the tools to do the fourth step properly, and 8 steps afterwards that will help you take actions to correct whatever failings you may find in step 4.

You start by not labeling them as "enablers". Only they can make that determination for themselves. Unless you can pop open their head and check out the wiring inside their heads you have no way of determining what their motives are.

As far as other people whose behavior causes you harm; that's called "boundaries". That also comes out of step 4; you dig out the reasons why you fail to protect yourself from harm. What actions you take to enforce your "boundaries" are called "consequences", and you have to set those up with kindness and compassion.

That's very kind of them to care and offer suggestions. Do they attend al-anon? Have they worked all 12 steps with a sponsor? How many people have they sponsored? If none of the above then are they trained and licensed health care professionals? If still none of the above then they are just well-intentioned amateurs. The people who _can_ give you advice and direction are therapists, doctors, counselors and other health care professionals who have the appropriate licensure and education in addiction.

You mentioned in another post that you are seeing a therapist. That is the person who can help you determine how you can best be supportive of your wife without being harmful to you or your children.

You wouldn't take advice on how to cure cancer from a plumber. Alcoholism is just as serious and fatal as any other disease, so don't take advice from amateurs.

I found that al-anon was invaluable to me. Yes, my meetings are mostly women, but I have found that gender does not prevent wisdom. I go to learn from their experience and have found that it applies to me just fine. I also found their books and pamphlets to be packed with concrete inforation that has done me a world of good.

I'm glad you decided to join us DII, welcome again

Mike

QU31

I think the "wall" issue is an interesting one and quite puzzling to those of us who are somewhat new to this. Just wondering how any of you who have been at this awhile define the differences between "detaching" and "detaching with love." The concept of detaching seems much easier when there is a physical detachment (i.e. a wall put up or actual physical separation), but what are some tactics any of you use (like self-talk or slogans you might use) when needing to detach immediately? Or is needing to detach from something immediately just a form of reacting and instead detachment should be a constant state of mind...something one should be able to do after finishing the 12 steps? If so, what are good ways to practice in the meantime?

I hope this didn't come out too jumbled....thanks!

thinkmink

Live and let live

let go and let God

Serenity payer

Those a re a few I like to remind me how to detach with love.

un4gvn acts

Detachment... Changing The Focus
I have to admit it took me a long time to understand the concept of "detachment" even after I was in Al-Anon a good while. I think it was because the concept was entirely foreign to me. I was so "attached" to everybody and every situation -- every problem, every crisis -- it got to be that their lives became MY life.
When their disease progressed to the point of total insanity, I was totally insane too! I was trying to change something that I was powerless to change -- mainly, someone else. I was trying to "fix" someone else's problems, when only they could do that.
I was basically trying to argue with a disease! Trying to talk someone out of being sick. it was like saying, you should know better than to have diabetes!!! When I finally understood and accepted that the alcoholic was addicted to something they were also allergic to and they were just as powerless as I was over it; and they needed help, support and encouragement just like I did, I was able to separate the alcoholic from the alcoholism.
For my own serenity, I had to detach from the alcoholic. I allow him to be the man that he thinks he needs to be. I allow him to live his life on his terms not mine. I have taken my hands off but I turned my heart on. I gave my AH to my HP.
Today I am able to offer understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic, because I understand what alcoholism is.
But I also understand that alcoholics will never get better unless I detach myself from trying to fix them and allow them find their own way into recovery. I can not continue to maintain anything near serenity, if I allow myself to be engulfed in THEIR problems

denny57

The short version for me is that detachment is not something I do to another, it's something I do for me. So it's not removing myself from another, it's me living in the moment, living my own life. The other is not the focus.

There are many people who enrich my life and I accept that for what it is - I don't direct or control it. It just IS.