He's such a liar!

Old 07-04-2007, 10:47 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
ARealLady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
He's such a liar!

I am sure he is telling the little lies in order to cover up the fact that he is still doing his "controlled" drinking. ABF is too good for AA. This disease really and truly is about ego. And, I am becoming more and more aware of myself as I observe him from a distance. He tells a lie, I know it's a lie and I don't call him on it because it isn't worth it.

He and I are long distance. I last heard from him about noon his time on Saturday. Phoned him towards evening and his phone went to voice mail. Tried again on Sunday and more voice mail. No emails and no contact until this morning (4th July). So he tells me that his Internet had been down for three days. Maybe but....I "found" him on his fave porn site all those days. I let it slide. Then he tells me that he went out exploring on Sunday on his new bike and it took him 5 hours. He tells me about what he saw and bingo! I realize it's on the route to cross the state line in order to buy beer on Sundays if you live in his no-beer-on-Sundays state. That's why his little trip took so long. He even lied about the distance between A and B (place he said he'd gone).

I don't want to end this with a fight. He has asked me why I sound so distant. I guess I am feeling colder and colder towards him.

Thanks for listening.

ARL
ARealLady is offline  
Old 07-04-2007, 11:13 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
splendra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey (((((ARealLady)))))

I really understand your pain. I know you are a smart woman and you will figure out what you need to do for yourself.

I don't know why you are involved in a long distance relationship if you don't mind my asking does it have anything to do with your desire to not be close to someone?

I had a long distance relationship once and I realized the reason I did not find someone local is that I personally did not want the day to day stuff and I wanted to be independent and just have fun without any real ties. In looking back I can see that I did not want real intimacy.

Since I chose a drug addict to be in a close relationship with the same question has come up for me am I involved with him because I still do not real intimacy? The more I think about this I am beginning to see that I have had lots of drama from relationships but not true intimacy and that is more about me than them...
splendra is offline  
Old 07-04-2007, 11:37 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
 
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
The process of transformation succeeds if we become proactive and willing to take full respons. for out share of the problems in our lives. Splendra, you hit it on the head. Until I was 40 all of my BF and two husbands lived in different cities I did not know how to have real intimacy so unconsciously I picked distant men in other cities. When I decided I did want more from a relationship I had to figure out how to be different long before I selected a diff. type of mate.
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
Old 07-04-2007, 11:38 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
ritabee
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 45
Oh the lies! Nothing makes me angrier than being lied to.

Last Thursday night "A" went to the bar. He came home, started some drama then used that as an excuse to go back to the bar. When I woke up Friday morning I was unplugging my 15 year old daughter's cell phone from the charger so I could charge mine. I noticed that she had a missed call. I knew she had plugged her phone in around midnight so naturally I was concerned about who was calling her at that time of night. I looked in her 'missed calls' and saw that the A had called her cell phone at 1:00 a.m. I didn't even know he had her number.

He lives in his own apartment down the hall and he and my daughters have pretty much nothing to do with each other. So why was a drunk 54 year old man who had probably just left the strip bar calling my 15 year old daughter? I asked him why he had called her and he flat out denied it. I told him his call was still on her phone if he wanted his memory refreshed. "I don't know how it got there but I was at home in bed at 10:00!" Then he thought he might have hit the phone in his sleep and it automatically dialed her cell. Now he doesn't deny that the call was made, but he didn't make it (he lives alone with his cat...surprised he's not blaming the cat).

Do they really think we're THAT stupid?

I could write a book about the stupid lies that he expected me to believe. They will say anything and everything to cover their tracks. Anything to hide how much they drank and what they did while drinking. As if we don't know anyways!
ritabee is offline  
Old 07-04-2007, 11:45 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
ARealLady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Splendra...I have wondered exactly the same thing about my reasons for being long distance and maintaining a relationship which appears to be going nowhere now as a result of the boundaries I established.

There was a time, up until a year ago, when I really thrived on being around ABF. He made me feel safe. And then he started to really backslide and I decided I had to protect myself and what was mine.

I don't like drama! I like the day-to-day despite the fact that I am a very strong and independent woman. I think, however, that I need to see actions from a partner as proof of his sincerity. I was married for 22 years...my STBX (long drawn out divorce and we have been separated for nearly 4 years) really threw me for a loop when I discovered he had been in an affair for the five previous years. I knew I could never trust him again and that is why our M ended. That's when I learned about boundaries and understanding my co-dep behaviours as STBX is a workaholic BIG TIME.

With these "small" lies now which I am accutely aware of, I feel as if I am learning more about what it is I want from any long-term relationship. One thing I do know is that I will never "accommodate" another person's disrespectful behaviour. The disrespect just feeds the "drama".

Thanks for helping me to think about this!

ARL
ARealLady is offline  
Old 07-04-2007, 12:40 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
CE Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Hey ARL,,,

My relationship with my A started long distance also. I think that was why I was so "in the dark" about his drinking. Looking back on it, I realize he was DRUNK the first night we met. And each and every time I went out his way after that. In fact, it took me a long time to fogive myself for being so naive. Hey, at least I progressed from feeling REALLY stupid to naive

I will say, the one thing being long distance got me is the ability to "seperate" when the time came. Reading some of the struggles others make to acheive that seperation makes me thank my spirits for that gift.

Like you, I knew when he was lying also. I could tell whether we were on the phone together or through email. He TYPED drunk. LOL. I'd read an email and go,"WHAT?!?!!?" But talk to him later and he's SWEAR he was sober, "going on 5 days CE Girl". Like you, it got to the point where I'd let it go, cause it simply wasn't worth it.

I haven't seen my A in almost 4 months. It like being stuck in an abyss. Am I in a relationship or not? If it was anyone else, I would be moving on with my life and considering the "relationship" done. Long distance or not, when you don't "see, feel, and touch" you are pretty much single in my mind.

Thats when I know, I still have work to do on MYSELF and my need to be dependant on an unhealthy relationship. Bottom line, its not about being long distance, its about the "safety" of not having him around.

I'm working on getting to the point where I WANT to be around the man I love. I know for sure, when I reach that point, I will be "beyond codependancy"

Funny how that works huh?

Peace
CE Girl is offline  
Old 07-04-2007, 12:48 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
I Finally Love My Life!!!
 
cagefree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
I am taking this day off to do some much needed cleaning...came across a picture I didn't throw out or send back to him.

I looked at the two of us posed in our happy stances. I first thought - he looks so happy and I suddenly felt a bit of the love I used to feel and a bit sad I was not with him...then my recovery took over and I looked again.

After the lies he told me that day and how he treated me before and after this "happy" pic was taken; HOW CAN HE EVEN SMILE?!...let alone sleep at night. Oh wait, he drank and lied to anesthetize it all while I was in pain, dealing with it all, sober like non-alkies do.

I'm sure we've all had the same story. they lie. it's in their nature. Bees sting, A's lie.
cagefree is offline  
Old 07-04-2007, 04:22 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
 
kglast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
amen, cage.
kglast is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:38 AM.