Is it me ???
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Is it me ???
I truly feel like I am just going to snap . Im at the end of my rope and something has to give . Long story ...
You all know that ah has been living w/his mom during the week and visiting the kids on the wkds while Im at work since he got out of rehab . It was going fine for a while with minimal bumps in the road. Just a week ago I was going over our cell phone bill and he has a ton of calls . I never know any of the numbers because he has so many business contacts but one # stuck out ... turns out he called his 'friend' that he met a year ago in rehab , last May he left my house telling me he was going to ride the horses at his moms but really he was meeting his 'friend' there for the day (his mom was conveniently away for the wkd) . Someone is HIS family called me and told me and he swore up & down it was nothing . (Yeah okay) . Now I see on our cell phone bill that he called her .. on Mothers Day .. he didnt even get me a card ! (call was for 1 min, I dont think they talked but I dont really care) And when I asked him , he denied it . Hasnt called her in forever or thought about her , doesnt even know her number . I handed him the bill and he still swears it wasnt him.
Now my mind is reeling with all the crap that has been told to me over the years about my husband that he just says 'its no big deal' to . His sister told me 6 yrs ago that he was having an affair (yup his very own sister) it started around Thanksgiving, just so happens he had been drinking alot then and didnt come home until 6 am Thanksgiving mrng , we fought and he packed a bag and left for the wkd , I rmbr thinking that he had someplace to go because he never would just leave . According to his sister , he was in a motel with this other girl the night before Thanksgiving then spent that weekend with her at their moms house (whats with his moms house ??) She found out and told him if he didnt stop seeing her she would tell me ... so he stopped seeing her . Flash forward 2 months , we are at a family wedding , my husband and his sisters husband (both alkies) get into a fist fight before wedding even starts . His sister is furious as her and her husband leave the wedding . The next day , she calls me and tells me of his affair . Its obvious now that she used me just to get back at him without thinking of me or my kids at all . And again , my husband adamantly denied the affair , even though all the facts matched up . Three wks later (after talking to her brother no doubt) my sister in law calls me and tells me that she was wrong , it was a different weekend , there was no affair after all . (WHAT THE #$%!) . His family does this kind of crap all the time and thinks nothing of it . They constantly lie cheat and manipulate , then they rat each other out when they are mad , then they make up and lie cheat and manipulate again to take back what they said in the first place . Its so crazy it makes my head spin . And ah all the while claims his innocence , It simply was not him .
Another story .. His brother and sister in law stayed at our house one wkd last Apr . It was b4 ah went into his first rehab , I was 9 months pregnant . They are all big drinkers . After I went to bed I had this aching feeling that something was up so I went back down stairs only to hear my ah's brother trying to talk my ah into having sex with his wife while he watched ...... I know what you are saying ... *&^&$%(#! Believe me I said it too ! This is so wrong on so many levels .. First off , you are in my house and trying to get my husband to cheat on me .. Second , I am 9 months pregnant and right up the stairs .. Thirdly , all of our children are in the house sleeping .. Fourthly , you are brothers for crying out loud !! Its just nasty gross and sick .. so dysfunctional its pathetic . Luckily my sister in law is a dog therefore my ah turned him down over & over again . (Oddly I felt some kind of validation by this). I cannot believe that I am mixed up in this kind of a family and the more I think about it the more sick I feel . I dont ask for much , I have a modest home and drive a modest mini van . I work 24 hrs a wk sometimes more . I own not 1 piece of jewelry besides my wedding rings . I am not dripping in designer labels . I have not been on a vacation in 10 yrs . My ah has not bought me a gift since we were dating 13 yrs ago (bday , xmas , mothers day -- nothing) .
How can a person (me) be so good , have the best intentions , always try to do the right thing just for the sake of doing the right thing and yet get so much dirt & garbage piled on her ??? Am I not as good as I think I am ? Am I feeling sorry for myself and acting like a victim now ? Am I seriously losing my mind because Im starting to feel like I cant breath ?
Sorry for venting soooo much , it'll be a miracle if anyone can actually get through this thread and if I hit enter and lose it .... its gonna push me over the edge !
You all know that ah has been living w/his mom during the week and visiting the kids on the wkds while Im at work since he got out of rehab . It was going fine for a while with minimal bumps in the road. Just a week ago I was going over our cell phone bill and he has a ton of calls . I never know any of the numbers because he has so many business contacts but one # stuck out ... turns out he called his 'friend' that he met a year ago in rehab , last May he left my house telling me he was going to ride the horses at his moms but really he was meeting his 'friend' there for the day (his mom was conveniently away for the wkd) . Someone is HIS family called me and told me and he swore up & down it was nothing . (Yeah okay) . Now I see on our cell phone bill that he called her .. on Mothers Day .. he didnt even get me a card ! (call was for 1 min, I dont think they talked but I dont really care) And when I asked him , he denied it . Hasnt called her in forever or thought about her , doesnt even know her number . I handed him the bill and he still swears it wasnt him.
Now my mind is reeling with all the crap that has been told to me over the years about my husband that he just says 'its no big deal' to . His sister told me 6 yrs ago that he was having an affair (yup his very own sister) it started around Thanksgiving, just so happens he had been drinking alot then and didnt come home until 6 am Thanksgiving mrng , we fought and he packed a bag and left for the wkd , I rmbr thinking that he had someplace to go because he never would just leave . According to his sister , he was in a motel with this other girl the night before Thanksgiving then spent that weekend with her at their moms house (whats with his moms house ??) She found out and told him if he didnt stop seeing her she would tell me ... so he stopped seeing her . Flash forward 2 months , we are at a family wedding , my husband and his sisters husband (both alkies) get into a fist fight before wedding even starts . His sister is furious as her and her husband leave the wedding . The next day , she calls me and tells me of his affair . Its obvious now that she used me just to get back at him without thinking of me or my kids at all . And again , my husband adamantly denied the affair , even though all the facts matched up . Three wks later (after talking to her brother no doubt) my sister in law calls me and tells me that she was wrong , it was a different weekend , there was no affair after all . (WHAT THE #$%!) . His family does this kind of crap all the time and thinks nothing of it . They constantly lie cheat and manipulate , then they rat each other out when they are mad , then they make up and lie cheat and manipulate again to take back what they said in the first place . Its so crazy it makes my head spin . And ah all the while claims his innocence , It simply was not him .
Another story .. His brother and sister in law stayed at our house one wkd last Apr . It was b4 ah went into his first rehab , I was 9 months pregnant . They are all big drinkers . After I went to bed I had this aching feeling that something was up so I went back down stairs only to hear my ah's brother trying to talk my ah into having sex with his wife while he watched ...... I know what you are saying ... *&^&$%(#! Believe me I said it too ! This is so wrong on so many levels .. First off , you are in my house and trying to get my husband to cheat on me .. Second , I am 9 months pregnant and right up the stairs .. Thirdly , all of our children are in the house sleeping .. Fourthly , you are brothers for crying out loud !! Its just nasty gross and sick .. so dysfunctional its pathetic . Luckily my sister in law is a dog therefore my ah turned him down over & over again . (Oddly I felt some kind of validation by this). I cannot believe that I am mixed up in this kind of a family and the more I think about it the more sick I feel . I dont ask for much , I have a modest home and drive a modest mini van . I work 24 hrs a wk sometimes more . I own not 1 piece of jewelry besides my wedding rings . I am not dripping in designer labels . I have not been on a vacation in 10 yrs . My ah has not bought me a gift since we were dating 13 yrs ago (bday , xmas , mothers day -- nothing) .
How can a person (me) be so good , have the best intentions , always try to do the right thing just for the sake of doing the right thing and yet get so much dirt & garbage piled on her ??? Am I not as good as I think I am ? Am I feeling sorry for myself and acting like a victim now ? Am I seriously losing my mind because Im starting to feel like I cant breath ?
Sorry for venting soooo much , it'll be a miracle if anyone can actually get through this thread and if I hit enter and lose it .... its gonna push me over the edge !
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
Hugs & prayers to you and for what it's worth, my opinion is no it's not you. It's called people pleasing, caretaking and many other labels. But, you in my opinion again are not a bad person for it. It's all intertwined with alcoholism. When you can decide you are good enough, you deserve the best and God intends for you to have the best. You will stop settling for less. Only you can change the "being a victim" role. You, as I'm sure you are aware, have lots of resources and people who have been right where you are to turn to and bounce things off of.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by LGLG07 
How can a person (me) be so good , have the best intentions , always try to do the right thing just for the sake of doing the right thing and yet get so much dirt & garbage piled on her ???
i think lots of us here feel that way, you're not alone!
were you and your husband considering reconciling? or are you in the process of a divorce? (i forget!)
my best advice would be that if you don't want to stay married to him and don't want to be involved in all of this drama that his family brings, get out of it. has he been sober all this time? for me, the hard part has been separating my ex as a drunk and as sober. many things i can forgive if it was done under the influence... it's the sober things that are hard to forget. do you see what i mean? did all of this happen before he entered recovery (if he is still not drinking)?
good luck to you, LG. you don't deserve any of this and you sound like a wonderful mom - the best is still in store for you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 84
I have experienced a great deal of crapola too. My expereince is that I kept letting it pile up on me and it really was very injurous and made me very angry too. But right now I am entering the point of forgiveness and healing. My current level of serenity has taken a lot of work, al-anon meetings, readings, and faith in my higher power. Right now I am starting to be much less angry with my AH. I don't do that for him, I do it for myself. I am so tired of being angry and hurt. I just want to be as happy and healthy as I can be. I need it for myself and I need it for my children. Everyday I have o remind myself to keep the focus on me. Focusing on the f'ed up stuff my AH does/did was only bringing me down. Resentment is like a poison that we swallow and expect the other person to suffer for it. They of course never do. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) to you girlfriend. Just know that you are not alone. I may not have experienced the exact same circumstance as you, but I know all too well the emotions you feel. You are a child of God and a person of worth. Please remember that.
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
thank you all .. i do feel as though i am losing control and i have to make a move ..
inthis -- we were planning on reconciling if all went well with his sobriety over the next 9 mos. to a year . all of this stuff happened when he was actively drinking except for the Mothers Day phone call . I think I could have overlooked it all and started fresh with a clean slate if , when I showed him the phone record , he would of admitted that he called her . But when he lied to me it just bought on this overwhelming feeling of fear .... fear that this was going to be my life .... I dont expect him (sober or drinking) to be perfect , if he called this girl at a low point when he was feeling sorry for himself thats fine and I dont expect him to just offer this information to me but when you are caught and the proof is there , be a man and confess . At least I know I would be able to trust that he would tell the truth if he was confronted .
So this fear was running through my head and it was like the worst moments of my life with him started flashing through my mind and I realized that I never looked for any of this trouble . I never followed him or searched his car or stalked him . I was none the wiser when I was called and given all this information , or when I overheard his brother and that disgusting conversation . The least he could of done for me was confess and let us try to work it out (if possible) But he never gave me that respect . So when it happened when he was sober I thought , this will be my life ... can I really live like this ???
Thinkmink--is your ah still drinking ? how did you let go of that resentment ? through prayer and books and alanon ?? I think your much stronger than me , I want to keep my family together but as Earthworm said , it will stop when I stop accepting it
inthis -- we were planning on reconciling if all went well with his sobriety over the next 9 mos. to a year . all of this stuff happened when he was actively drinking except for the Mothers Day phone call . I think I could have overlooked it all and started fresh with a clean slate if , when I showed him the phone record , he would of admitted that he called her . But when he lied to me it just bought on this overwhelming feeling of fear .... fear that this was going to be my life .... I dont expect him (sober or drinking) to be perfect , if he called this girl at a low point when he was feeling sorry for himself thats fine and I dont expect him to just offer this information to me but when you are caught and the proof is there , be a man and confess . At least I know I would be able to trust that he would tell the truth if he was confronted .
So this fear was running through my head and it was like the worst moments of my life with him started flashing through my mind and I realized that I never looked for any of this trouble . I never followed him or searched his car or stalked him . I was none the wiser when I was called and given all this information , or when I overheard his brother and that disgusting conversation . The least he could of done for me was confess and let us try to work it out (if possible) But he never gave me that respect . So when it happened when he was sober I thought , this will be my life ... can I really live like this ???
Thinkmink--is your ah still drinking ? how did you let go of that resentment ? through prayer and books and alanon ?? I think your much stronger than me , I want to keep my family together but as Earthworm said , it will stop when I stop accepting it
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i think your fear is valid... especially if he knows he can lie to you and you won't fight about it or follow through with boundaries having to do with lying and/or cheating... he'll see that he can get away with lying and he'll continue to do it. my ex lied all the time about absolutely everything, and even when i knew it, the lies were kept up... and i'm not sure why, when i knew the truth. but, i think my ex learned that she could keep lying to me and i would keep forgiving her for it, so the cycle never ended...
i couldn't imagine living a life where you're unsure if your spouse is telling the truth or not, even about tiny things. it would drive me absolutely crazy. i think your fear is very, very valid. i'm so sorry you're in this situation.
i couldn't imagine living a life where you're unsure if your spouse is telling the truth or not, even about tiny things. it would drive me absolutely crazy. i think your fear is very, very valid. i'm so sorry you're in this situation.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
It sounds to me like he is acting the way he was brought up to act; he most likely doesn't think he is doing anything wrong because the way he is acting is 'normal' in his family. Children learn what they live; it sounds like he learned to lie and manipulate. I doubt if not drinking will change that very much.
Only you can decide what you can live with; the strength to do what you need to do will come. Let go and let God, right?
(((HUGS)))
Only you can decide what you can live with; the strength to do what you need to do will come. Let go and let God, right?
(((HUGS)))
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
that is my worst fear duet .. this is just him .. he was taught by the best .. anytime that family does anything for anybody I always ask myself what their motives are and unfortunately , its never just to do something nice . They always have a hidden agenda and my ah blows off everything he does as 'its no big deal' .
its time to Let Go .. you are right .
its time to Let Go .. you are right .
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
LGLG you said you wanted to keep the family together which I would say was great if it was good for the kids. From what you have said he is doing his womanizing and lying drunk or sober.
Not sure how old your kids are, but they are far smarter and observant of what Dad is up to then you may think. What you hear from your friends and in-laws I can assure you if they are not hearing it now from their cousins and friends they will be soon.
What kind of effect do you think it will have on your kids when thier cousins and friends are telling them all about thier dad sleeping with so&so?
I threw my first wife out of the house right after we split up because she started dating while still living under the same roof with me and the kids! She had hurt my kids enough, I refused to let her rub thier noses in thier pain!!! Just what I did when my spouse was thinking she could sleep around and hurt my kids.
Not sure how old your kids are, but they are far smarter and observant of what Dad is up to then you may think. What you hear from your friends and in-laws I can assure you if they are not hearing it now from their cousins and friends they will be soon.
What kind of effect do you think it will have on your kids when thier cousins and friends are telling them all about thier dad sleeping with so&so?
I threw my first wife out of the house right after we split up because she started dating while still living under the same roof with me and the kids! She had hurt my kids enough, I refused to let her rub thier noses in thier pain!!! Just what I did when my spouse was thinking she could sleep around and hurt my kids.
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
thats good Taz , thank u .. sometimes I think that keeping the peace is the best thing for the kids but in reality that is the worst . Im trying so hard to protect them and it could just be hurting them more . I have always feared in the past how their weekends with dad would be if we split . At his moms house no doubt , with the family talking crappy and bad about me . I dread that more than anything for them . They are 11, 9, 7 & 1 and they are amazing ! I guess it all comes out in the wash eventually , they will know the truth when they are older without me having to say a word
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