Scared, Sad, Angry and everything inbetween
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Greenacres WA
Posts: 4
Scared, Sad, Angry and everything inbetween
Sometimes I think I am going crazy. Been in a 4 year relationship and much of that time has been spent with him serving time for probation violations and not completing treatment. He is now 6 months sober and in treatment and attending some AA. My biggest concern right now is that before he would pick a fight to justify leaving the family unit and go drink and has once again couldn’t handle a disagreement like adults do. Instead he packed up and left again and I do not believe it is to go drink but instead runaway from communication and responsibility. Very confused as to how to separate what personality characteristics are still a learned behavior of the Alcoholism or just a selfish human being. Would characterize my Bf as a misogynist and am searching for some input as to anyone else that may have some insight
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome, Bre. Hope you've got settled in at SR and had a chance to look through the Sticky Posts at the top of the page.
I know the I finally got some clarity when I realised that unacceptable behaviour is just that, regardless of the reasons behind it. It doesn't make it any more acceptable if it comes from a drinker, a cancer patient, or simply from someone with a different set of values from me. If a person's behaviour negatively affects my life, I have a choice in how I take action accordingly.
Many people in the world have problems communicating in a healthy way, regardless of whether they drink or not. I still struggle with communicating with those close to me and I don't have a problem with drink. I have found doing some reading on Transactional Analysis to be very helpful (especially the book "What do you say after you say hello? by Eric Berne) - ie. learning how to speak from an "Adult" position, rather than from "Parent" or "Child".
Looking forward to getting to know you.
I know the I finally got some clarity when I realised that unacceptable behaviour is just that, regardless of the reasons behind it. It doesn't make it any more acceptable if it comes from a drinker, a cancer patient, or simply from someone with a different set of values from me. If a person's behaviour negatively affects my life, I have a choice in how I take action accordingly.
Many people in the world have problems communicating in a healthy way, regardless of whether they drink or not. I still struggle with communicating with those close to me and I don't have a problem with drink. I have found doing some reading on Transactional Analysis to be very helpful (especially the book "What do you say after you say hello? by Eric Berne) - ie. learning how to speak from an "Adult" position, rather than from "Parent" or "Child".
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I'm glad you found us, Bre. All of us here know how frustrating and crazy-making the A in our lives can be. Expectations. It's all about expectations. Many of us are dealing with active A's or A's without a lot of recovery time, or dry drunks. We expect them to tell us what they feel, to listen to how we feel, to react in a logical fashion, to accept responsibility for their actions and speech, to treat us with respect. Don't work that way.
Your guy is just six months into sobriety. His inability to communicate may be a result of his upbringing, his addiction, his personality, or a combination of any of those things, and possibly other elements. I'm married to an AH who literally walked out the door one night, got a cab, and stayed in our motorhome for the night when I asked him to discuss with me whether or not he wanted to stay in the marriage, if he wanted a divorce, what he wanted from me, where were we headed, etc. See? Those were my expectations; expectations of having some semblance of a "normal" give-and-take discussion. When he returned home the next day, I was told I could live in our home if I ceased bringing up our relationship. (As of today, discussion of our "relationship" is a moot point - there ain't one to discuss any longer as far as I'm concerned!)
So I understand how you feel like you're going crazy. Been there, done that. When that particular event occurred in my life, and several others like it within a period of a month, I began to look at my expectations. Were they realistic, given the fact I was dealing with an active alcoholic? Why would I expect someone in his condition to behave rationally, intelligently, or in a mature manner? THAT was my problem. He was doing what addicts do - deny and run away from the problem. That was the ah-ha, pivotal moment for me. It was, I suppose, hitting my bottom. I had officially driven myself crazy by expecting a tiger to change it's stripes. And as I've often said, a tiger is a tiger is a tiger - it will never be a leopard.
Are you attending Al-anon or counseling? Al-anon is a wonderful program for those of us who have been exposed to the "radioactive fallout" of the A's insanity. It is suggested you attend six meetings and then make up your mind whether or not the program is a good match for you. If you haven't gone to a meeting, I'd suggest you find a few in your area and give them a try.
You say your partner is a misogynist. Ouch. So you think you have a woman-hater on your hands? I had one of those once. It was always the woman's fault when a couple broke up, women were generally referred to as bit****. They DID serve a purpose in my ex's life - sexual gratification and housekeeper. Oh, and wage earner when he was going through one of his many unemployment periods.
If you really feel that he's a misogynist, I can tell you there are plenty of them out there who don't drink. That is a separate character disorder that can be magnified by alcohol, but will be there even if there isn't any drinking. You are trying to figure out why he's doing what he's doing. I've found that the quickest way to make myself crazy is to try to figure someone else out; to get inside their mind. Heck, I have enough to deal with just trying to figure out why I glom onto addicts and all other types of nutcases.
Thus, my suggestion that you try Al-anon. It will get the focus on you and who you are. I spent a lot of years trying to figure out a lot of people. In the process, I forgot to figure out me. And that is what got me to hit my bottom and realize I had become as crazy, if not crazier than my AH!
Your guy is just six months into sobriety. His inability to communicate may be a result of his upbringing, his addiction, his personality, or a combination of any of those things, and possibly other elements. I'm married to an AH who literally walked out the door one night, got a cab, and stayed in our motorhome for the night when I asked him to discuss with me whether or not he wanted to stay in the marriage, if he wanted a divorce, what he wanted from me, where were we headed, etc. See? Those were my expectations; expectations of having some semblance of a "normal" give-and-take discussion. When he returned home the next day, I was told I could live in our home if I ceased bringing up our relationship. (As of today, discussion of our "relationship" is a moot point - there ain't one to discuss any longer as far as I'm concerned!)
So I understand how you feel like you're going crazy. Been there, done that. When that particular event occurred in my life, and several others like it within a period of a month, I began to look at my expectations. Were they realistic, given the fact I was dealing with an active alcoholic? Why would I expect someone in his condition to behave rationally, intelligently, or in a mature manner? THAT was my problem. He was doing what addicts do - deny and run away from the problem. That was the ah-ha, pivotal moment for me. It was, I suppose, hitting my bottom. I had officially driven myself crazy by expecting a tiger to change it's stripes. And as I've often said, a tiger is a tiger is a tiger - it will never be a leopard.
Are you attending Al-anon or counseling? Al-anon is a wonderful program for those of us who have been exposed to the "radioactive fallout" of the A's insanity. It is suggested you attend six meetings and then make up your mind whether or not the program is a good match for you. If you haven't gone to a meeting, I'd suggest you find a few in your area and give them a try.
You say your partner is a misogynist. Ouch. So you think you have a woman-hater on your hands? I had one of those once. It was always the woman's fault when a couple broke up, women were generally referred to as bit****. They DID serve a purpose in my ex's life - sexual gratification and housekeeper. Oh, and wage earner when he was going through one of his many unemployment periods.
If you really feel that he's a misogynist, I can tell you there are plenty of them out there who don't drink. That is a separate character disorder that can be magnified by alcohol, but will be there even if there isn't any drinking. You are trying to figure out why he's doing what he's doing. I've found that the quickest way to make myself crazy is to try to figure someone else out; to get inside their mind. Heck, I have enough to deal with just trying to figure out why I glom onto addicts and all other types of nutcases.
Thus, my suggestion that you try Al-anon. It will get the focus on you and who you are. I spent a lot of years trying to figure out a lot of people. In the process, I forgot to figure out me. And that is what got me to hit my bottom and realize I had become as crazy, if not crazier than my AH!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Greenacres WA
Posts: 4
Thank you too all for sharing your experiences of enlightenment, sadness, and fears of living with an A. This is all new to me to open up and admit how I am an emotional wreck. At 38 years of age and the last of my family passed away 10 years ago and keeping friends at a distance, so as to not let someone see how humiliating my life can be. Or maybe on my part keeping myself from admiting there is a problem.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Keep posting, Bre38, there are many people here who understand. I kept it all "secret," too. As I've learned to open up, my life is so much better, I feel 10 years younger and most of all - I like me again.
Much love to you.
Much love to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Greenacres WA
Posts: 4
I never knew until this last week how common my story is. We all have a different twist and turn in the road, but the path with an A takes us all in one way or another the same direction. A rush of all sorts of emotions have came to the surface after reading others thoughts, feelings and emotions and sitting here in amazement at times that I am not the only one that has experienced some of the most hurtful and painful reactions from a loved one. Some of the most humiliating things in my life of loving an A and things I thought ONLY I had dealt with --- From the A passing out and urinating in the bed and all over me -- getting screamed at for no reason at all -- or being afraid to go to a social event because he will embarrass you ....
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Bre38 
A rush of all sorts of emotions have came to the surface after reading others thoughts, feelings and emotions and sitting here in amazement at times that I am not the only one that has experienced some of the most hurtful and painful reactions from a loved one. Some of the most humiliating things in my life of loving an A and things I thought ONLY I had dealt with ....
(((hugs)))
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
Welcome to our world, one of dispair and disappointment.
You have spent 4 years in the chaos, that's a long time.
Some of it may be due to the addiction, some may be due a deeper rooted problem, magnified by the addiction, but not created by it.
Remember, he will always be an addict/alcoholic, it's just a matter of whether he is active or not. This disease has no cure.
Have you attended any meetings? May help you.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Welcome to our world, one of dispair and disappointment.
You have spent 4 years in the chaos, that's a long time.
Some of it may be due to the addiction, some may be due a deeper rooted problem, magnified by the addiction, but not created by it.
Remember, he will always be an addict/alcoholic, it's just a matter of whether he is active or not. This disease has no cure.
Have you attended any meetings? May help you.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I'm not TOO educated on the topic of substance abuse - drugs or alcohol- but I do know that using these substances to mask feelings or engaging them in a way that helps one deal with the world is a childish reaction. Engaging in things like this ****** people from emotionally maturing.
To be an adult, I believe, means to accept personal responsibility for your happiness, faults, failures, successes, goals, life, etc. Not to say that I have done this perfectly- as I have played the victim to some degree for quite sometime, but I think it is important to understand that these men are off trying to take shortcuts in life- versus dealing with the reality.
To be an adult, I believe, means to accept personal responsibility for your happiness, faults, failures, successes, goals, life, etc. Not to say that I have done this perfectly- as I have played the victim to some degree for quite sometime, but I think it is important to understand that these men are off trying to take shortcuts in life- versus dealing with the reality.
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