Barbara52

Ah has begun making veiled threats of suicide if I follow thru iwth my intent to leave him. There is at least some chance these are real threats. I recognize that its an attempt to control me and prevent my following thru with my stated plans to leave if he doesn't make positive steps to get a job and get into AA in a serious manner. But what could be some good responses to him when he says things like this?

fluffyflea

No response you don't want to feed into it. he's just trying to manipulate you. and even he were to do something it's not your fault or responsibility.

Earthworm

Barbara52

The only thing I've wanted to say in response is to remind him that he has said many times (in talking to other about suiced in the news, etc.) that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and that he knows where to go for help.

Is that too much? I'm too new at all this to know.

prodigal

You can remind him of what he said, but don't bet the farm that he'll listen. He just might turn the tables on you and start blaming you for his suicidal tendencies. A good comeback at them to show them their own twisted "logic" and hypocrisy frequently backfires. So from my perspective, as far as good responses go to an A's irrationality, there aren't any - they just suck me into their insane little world.

If you sincerely believe he is of danger to himself, tell him the next time he threatens suicide you'll call 911 and have the police pay a visit to your home. They WILL respond if you call and inform them you believe your husband is about to seriously injure or kill himself.

JMO ... but I'd leave it at that and forget coming up with a response that will knock some sense into his head. Sense is something he gave up in favor of drinking himself into oblivion.

Barbara52

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense to me.

minnie

Prod - great advice. If you call 911 every time, you will either call his bluff and he will not try it again or it will get him the help that he needs at that moment in time.

My counsellor prepared me for this when I spoke of leaving. The biggest message he gave me was that if he did do it, then it would not be my fault. And that staying because of that fear would not be acting in my best interest in any way.

Btw, 999/1000 it really is just a last ditch attempt at control and one of the sickest methods of blackmail, imho. Especially when the best way to get a spouse to stay is to get treatment for their drinking issues, not kill themselves. Just another sign that the prospect of recovery is still some way off.

Mr. Christian

Yep, call the police and they will come out.
Let them handle it.

Live

All agreed, next threat ....dial 911

Ragazza Miele

We split in April, and about 3 weeks into his new apartment I got the call that he was about to do it. I was in my office in an open cubicle surrounded by people I work with. I was scared to death and frantic, begging him to not follow thru. He called from his cellphone and wouldn't tell me where he was. It was my first experience with this and I totally freaked out. I've completely zoned out how I was able to get him to come about not doing it "yet" he said, but I got him to a behaviorial health hospital that night for evaluation. The ended up not admitting him, it was his decision since he went volunterily (sp). It took me awhile to get over that horrible feeling. We have since moved into the later stages of the separation, but that scare never leaves my thoughts. My therapist & others have finally convinced me that IF he does ever follow thru, even three years down the road, it is not my fault. I did nothing to put him in this fame of mind. The best thing I've learned from therapy, al-anon and this board, is that I am not all alone. I thought this was just how he was, but now after much education and seeing things on this board, these are all just typical manipulation/control traits that these alcs have. Unfortunately for us, we learn as it all unfolds. Good luck though, you'll be in my thoughts Barbara.

thinkmink

My AH was having some kind of meltdown and had to be admitted to a psych hospital 2 years ago because he was suicidal. They kept him for 2 days and then he was released. About a year ago he started talking a little bit about it again. The only thing I remember saying was something along the lines that if he was suicidal then he needed professional help because I knew nothing about that kind of crisis management and there was nothing I could do for him except take him to a hospital.

duet_4-8

I agree as well, call 911. My ex did the same sick thing to me and our adult children. It was just addict manipulation at its lowest and most selfish. Sorry you have to deal with it.

queenteree

I agree, call 911. My RAH said this to me. Me and my son figured he's a) really serious and/or b) manipulating us. Son decided to call 911 with my support. RAH's blood alcohol level was .4 (usually comatose and death level). After RAH spending two days in the pscyh ward, he went to rehab, attends meetings and so far, so good. Sometimes it's such a vicious cycle and I think they actually see no other way out than death. It's sad.

parentrecovers

my daughter did it and we told her to either get in the car for er visit or we'd call 911. we called 911 and they took her to er. they kept her for about 24 hours in hospital, which she hated. she hasn't done it since. blessings, k