Struggling Today
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Struggling Today
So.. I've been reading this book- How break your Addiction to a person- that GiveLove recommended.
In it there is something that resonates so well with me- the fact that we often feel like we are fragmented, pieces of a self without being connected to another. This idea that I am whole and worthy and a full person without another is scary, shaky and pretty unbelieveable most times.
Today I woke up with the negative voices a little louder in my head. When I read an email of a mutual friend that relayed to me somethings about abf in his rehab, I felt all the voices sparking up. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't want to see you. You aren't loveable, etc. etc. It's taking ALOT for me to fight back against them. It's also taking alot for me weed out that fragmented feeling and NOT allow such "news" to encroach on my day and my self-concept.
I am SO SO SO sick of letting things revolve around him and what HE is going through. What about me?!?!?! It's still a signficant stretch for me to be able to believe I deserve to focus on myself because my life is significant and worthwhile. Because I am worthwhile.
I am trying to manage today, but not allowing that news to affect me. I reacted immediately when I read it and felt sick to my stomach, abandon, rejected, hurt, alone, etc. The negative voices took off.
I do not want to dwell in these feelings. I do not want to give so much power AGAIN over to someone who has brought me so much pain.
In it there is something that resonates so well with me- the fact that we often feel like we are fragmented, pieces of a self without being connected to another. This idea that I am whole and worthy and a full person without another is scary, shaky and pretty unbelieveable most times.
Today I woke up with the negative voices a little louder in my head. When I read an email of a mutual friend that relayed to me somethings about abf in his rehab, I felt all the voices sparking up. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't want to see you. You aren't loveable, etc. etc. It's taking ALOT for me to fight back against them. It's also taking alot for me weed out that fragmented feeling and NOT allow such "news" to encroach on my day and my self-concept.
I am SO SO SO sick of letting things revolve around him and what HE is going through. What about me?!?!?! It's still a signficant stretch for me to be able to believe I deserve to focus on myself because my life is significant and worthwhile. Because I am worthwhile.
I am trying to manage today, but not allowing that news to affect me. I reacted immediately when I read it and felt sick to my stomach, abandon, rejected, hurt, alone, etc. The negative voices took off.
I do not want to dwell in these feelings. I do not want to give so much power AGAIN over to someone who has brought me so much pain.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Heather
I sometimes have those same negative feelings in regard to my addict daughter. What I try to remember is that she is sick. And I can choose to be "sick" also and believe all of her BS, or I can choose to know in my heart of hearts that I am a good mother and did everything I knew to do right. (I did not neglect her . . .). I alone can choose that for myself. I often tell those voices to "get behind me" kinda like "get behind me Satan". I have that choice to me. Some days it is easier than others, but lately I have won the fight with them. I understand what you are saying, but you have more power and control than you realize. HUGS to you and god luck with getting rid of these neg thoughts. I KNOW you are a good person!!!
Terri
I sometimes have those same negative feelings in regard to my addict daughter. What I try to remember is that she is sick. And I can choose to be "sick" also and believe all of her BS, or I can choose to know in my heart of hearts that I am a good mother and did everything I knew to do right. (I did not neglect her . . .). I alone can choose that for myself. I often tell those voices to "get behind me" kinda like "get behind me Satan". I have that choice to me. Some days it is easier than others, but lately I have won the fight with them. I understand what you are saying, but you have more power and control than you realize. HUGS to you and god luck with getting rid of these neg thoughts. I KNOW you are a good person!!!
Terri
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
My H is not in any kind of rehab...I can see that I have revolved around him and based most things on him...I moved his stuff out of the house into his step van and he has been staying out there in his truck.
Even though he is still here I have been able to be much more detached from him than I ever have been in the past. It feels good to not be so concerned about him and I do have a lot more energy.
The voices in my head have lowered their volume over the years too. I really do know that I do not deserve to dragged into his drama and that I do not have to base my self worth on what he does or does not do...
Even though he is still here I have been able to be much more detached from him than I ever have been in the past. It feels good to not be so concerned about him and I do have a lot more energy.
The voices in my head have lowered their volume over the years too. I really do know that I do not deserve to dragged into his drama and that I do not have to base my self worth on what he does or does not do...
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Heather,
I've been reading a number of your posts and so much of what you say and how you feel reasonates with me. I question those very same things. In so many areas of my life I am competent and confident. Then....there is the relationship area. All through my life it's been a pattern. I'd get rid of one addict and then find another one -with a secret addiction or a worse addiction. I have realized that there is an issue within me that pulls me into these situations. One counselor explained it by saying that a lot of times the people that love addicts have something called an amorphous ego (aka lacking in boundaries as best as I can tell). She put it succintly by saying that the rocks in his head fit the holes in my mine. I take that my job is to learn how to fill those holes in my head myself and not via another person or their feelings towards and about me. Those voices that you are hearing tell me the same things that you are hearing. It really sucks. They are not real. I am learning that the false stories that I tell myself are the avenues to search for how to heal them. Debbie Ford has written a number of books about doing this (The Dark Side of the Light Chasers). I'm trying to look at this as an opportunity to learn about myself vs. trying to understand why he (RAH) is the way that he is. I am trying to learn what to do when I am triggered....and how to avoid being triggered in the first place.
I've been thinking about you. Take care, Donna
I've been reading a number of your posts and so much of what you say and how you feel reasonates with me. I question those very same things. In so many areas of my life I am competent and confident. Then....there is the relationship area. All through my life it's been a pattern. I'd get rid of one addict and then find another one -with a secret addiction or a worse addiction. I have realized that there is an issue within me that pulls me into these situations. One counselor explained it by saying that a lot of times the people that love addicts have something called an amorphous ego (aka lacking in boundaries as best as I can tell). She put it succintly by saying that the rocks in his head fit the holes in my mine. I take that my job is to learn how to fill those holes in my head myself and not via another person or their feelings towards and about me. Those voices that you are hearing tell me the same things that you are hearing. It really sucks. They are not real. I am learning that the false stories that I tell myself are the avenues to search for how to heal them. Debbie Ford has written a number of books about doing this (The Dark Side of the Light Chasers). I'm trying to look at this as an opportunity to learn about myself vs. trying to understand why he (RAH) is the way that he is. I am trying to learn what to do when I am triggered....and how to avoid being triggered in the first place.
I've been thinking about you. Take care, Donna
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Hi Heather, it just takes time to unlearn our habits I think. I have always had a tendency to lose myself in my man. One time after I broke off a ten year relationship-I panicked. I thought, OMG, what did I do? I was so lost without him. I was so lonely. I felt like part of me was missing-literaly. Like there was a big hole there.
That was ten years ago, it took me quite a while to get over it. I got involved with another guy as soon as I could to try and fill the void. BIG MISTAKE. I seem to learn pretty slowly when it comes to these things. LOL
Now in retrospect, I see that I am definately better off without that guy. I am still learning how to fill my own self, instead of filling myself with another person.
Here's an exerpt from an interview with Lydia Lunch. I used to have this spoken word CD of hers where she touched on this topic a little more and I used it to inspire me.
Q. "How many times have you been in love?"
A. "I don’t know because I don’t know what the definition of that is. Have I imagined I’d met the perfect person and together we were gonna fill all those holes? Yes, millions of times. There are people I’ve never even met who I imagined would be that person. But you have to fill those holes yourself with other parts of yourself, and I believe it’s possible to do that. You really have to work at it though, physically, emotionally and mentally.
If people could understand how much pleasure they could have by themselves, I think everyone would be a lot saner. I think that people really need a dose of quality time with one's self."
It takes a while to learn to fill yourself with yourself, I know-I'm still working on it...it's a process, but I've been getting a lot better at it, and so will you.
That was ten years ago, it took me quite a while to get over it. I got involved with another guy as soon as I could to try and fill the void. BIG MISTAKE. I seem to learn pretty slowly when it comes to these things. LOL
Now in retrospect, I see that I am definately better off without that guy. I am still learning how to fill my own self, instead of filling myself with another person.
Here's an exerpt from an interview with Lydia Lunch. I used to have this spoken word CD of hers where she touched on this topic a little more and I used it to inspire me.
Q. "How many times have you been in love?"
A. "I don’t know because I don’t know what the definition of that is. Have I imagined I’d met the perfect person and together we were gonna fill all those holes? Yes, millions of times. There are people I’ve never even met who I imagined would be that person. But you have to fill those holes yourself with other parts of yourself, and I believe it’s possible to do that. You really have to work at it though, physically, emotionally and mentally.
If people could understand how much pleasure they could have by themselves, I think everyone would be a lot saner. I think that people really need a dose of quality time with one's self."
It takes a while to learn to fill yourself with yourself, I know-I'm still working on it...it's a process, but I've been getting a lot better at it, and so will you.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
do not let other people ruin your day & your peace of mind.you deserve better.when that happens find something to do that you enjoy.that is the time to be good to yourself.you DO deserve.hugs,hope
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: my hearts in NY i'm in FL
Posts: 112
i can relate about hearing those negative voices in your head. i have a really stupid question but who us the voice in your head? do you recognize it/ is it your mother ot your boyfriend or a friend?
i have to said that the voice in my head is me. i;m the one saying all those negative and hurtful things to myself. i have been working the steps or the program with a sponsor but today i realized walking around in wally world that that voice that just won't shut up is me. i need to work on this because it hurt to realize that i'm the one hurting myself.
heather thank you so much for your post PM me if you ever want to talk
i have to said that the voice in my head is me. i;m the one saying all those negative and hurtful things to myself. i have been working the steps or the program with a sponsor but today i realized walking around in wally world that that voice that just won't shut up is me. i need to work on this because it hurt to realize that i'm the one hurting myself.
heather thank you so much for your post PM me if you ever want to talk
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
HK,
Do you go to face to face meetings? (Sorry if I'm asking something that is so obvious to everyone else. My presence around here has been sporadic.)
The reason I ask is because it has been through going to face to face meetings (religiously) that I've been able to get the focus OFF the addict and on to me. I just made this comment the other night at a meeting when someone asked how do we quit with our stinkin' thinkin'. The only answer I could give them was from my own experience. And I've done it (most of the time) by going to meetings (along with reading here, of course) and filling my mind with the good things, the good recovery tools that work and working the 12 steps. That is how I have quit obsessing over my AD. Guess I'm one of those that is slow and it takes someone (fellow recovery folks) to just tell me over and over and over and then remind me again over and over and over what I'm to do (usually requires a change in ME) if I'm miserable because of concentrating on my AD or anything else I obsess about.
)
Just my 2 cents worth. Take what you like and leave the rest. I know how hard it is.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Do you go to face to face meetings? (Sorry if I'm asking something that is so obvious to everyone else. My presence around here has been sporadic.)
The reason I ask is because it has been through going to face to face meetings (religiously) that I've been able to get the focus OFF the addict and on to me. I just made this comment the other night at a meeting when someone asked how do we quit with our stinkin' thinkin'. The only answer I could give them was from my own experience. And I've done it (most of the time) by going to meetings (along with reading here, of course) and filling my mind with the good things, the good recovery tools that work and working the 12 steps. That is how I have quit obsessing over my AD. Guess I'm one of those that is slow and it takes someone (fellow recovery folks) to just tell me over and over and over and then remind me again over and over and over what I'm to do (usually requires a change in ME) if I'm miserable because of concentrating on my AD or anything else I obsess about.
)Just my 2 cents worth. Take what you like and leave the rest. I know how hard it is.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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