drainedwife

i was just wondering what to expect with this issue....i guess i have to wait and see what happens tomorrow as well, at court....as of now there are only allegatrions of drug use ...what if there is only alledged drug use--my ah has never been to rehab or anything...the one solid proof i have is that he went to and still goes to an addiction specialist who put him on the suboxone which he still takes over a year later. this so called "addicion specialist" is in it for the money i believe because he only accepts "cash"..not a check or MO but "cash". We did give him a $600.00 check which was insane when my ah first went to him and i have that canceled check..and he still fills his prescriptions..he was supposed to be getting therapy along with random drug testing, but that hasnt happened...

ao as far as him having partial custody---what happens??? i would be ok with that IF he went through a treatment program and continued with random drug testing and continued with some sort of therapy or attended meetings....anyway, i would just like to hear what others have been through--

thanks!!

nevergivingup

I can really only tell you what happened when I went to court... which was in NY.

First of all, check your state laws, in some states there is no such thing as partial custody. One parent has full legal custody and the other parent get visitation.

For us, we went to court with both our lawyers. The two lawyers went and met with the mediator that write down everything and submits it to the judge. Since there was suspected drug abuse our son was appointed an attorney by the court who was ordered to represent his needs. At the first date, xabf was set up with random drug testing and we were sent to a local agency that supervises visitation. That was pretty much it for the first day.

You really don't "need" proof that he's an addict. The allegation alone is enough to make the courts order drug tests and enough for them to order supervised visits.

Also, before we went to court, I wrote an affidavit of everything that had happened and had it submited to the courts. It was 25 pages long!

Hope that helps!

pjbs55

In NJ I know there is joint custody. One parent has physical custody but all decisions must be made by both for a lot of things. Not sure about what will happen with the rest.
Good luck and wait until tomorrow to see what happens and listen to your lawyer

duet_4-8

I don't really know. But I wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please let us know how it goes tomorrow!

lostparent

In Indiana my daughter has full physical custody an they have joint legal custody. He can take the kids every other week from Fri 6p.m. til Sun 6 p.m., plus see them for a few hrs one day during the week. not that he does but that's a different story.

faithhopelovejr

In Texas you can request a drug test when drug abuse is suspected and proven. It's a joke though. The user knows all the tricks about avoiding and passing the test. My XAH is under a court order to submit to a test up to 6 times a year if he is suspected of using while he has his girls (from a previous marriage). The exwife is ignorant to drug addiction and would rather bury her head in the sand than go back and spend money to request supervised visits. So I basically told her she would finally "get it" when one or both of her girls were either severly injured or dead. Sad but true. In my opinion and from what I've experienced with my XAH, I would request supervised visits. Drug testing can be avoided (out of convenience) and the wording on the order is so general. Something to the effect of as long as the drugs being taken are "prescribed" he is within the order. Well don't those judges know they're going to several different docs for the meds?? How naive! And my XAH when first confronted for submitting to a test told his exwife that he works shift work and it's not within the realm of logic to expect him to lose sleep after working the night shift to go take a drug test that morning. All it does is buy them time to take something to get a clean test, or use days to get the drug out of their system. Also, a court ordered drug test is typically a 5 panel test. Opiates are on a 10 panel test (very sneaky). Good luck!

drainedwife

his DOC is cocaine....
all of this is so confusing and so difficult..they need to make things easier on us.

i do have a feeling my ah has tried to keep clean this paest month just so that if a drug test was ordered he could pass it...but what if that does happens?? what if he passes it? then what happens with custody???

drainedwife

because let me tell you---knowing him...and with his "retaliation cr*p" he will fight me tooth and nail on it and everything else!!!

faithhopelovejr

All I can tell you is gather the evidence. Any doc that ONLY accepts cash is a quack. Yes I can say this with certainty. I live in the area of Texas that just got a bill passed (effective September 2007) to develop a national database for addicts, docs and pharmacies. It is designed to stop doctor shopping and doctors (and I use that term losely) and pharmacies from the "legal" drug deals. It is in place to monitor narcotics that are being prescribed abusively to abusers. Sounds to me like your husband is playing the system (along with the "doctor") to continuing abusing. If you could possibly get a time line in order for abuse and doctor visits, etc. this might pursuade the judge for supervised visits. I doubt (unless you have overwhelming evidence) that he will order him to submit to a test automatically. I'm just saying this because of the experiences I've had with the court and my XAH. I'm not a lawyer (nor do I play one on tv) so just pick and choose what will benefit you and your children.

MeggieStar

I would expect things to be very preliminary at first. Probably just a short term order for visitation for your ah to be reviewed at a later date. Hopefully this will include drug testing and evaluation ordered by the court, but, and this is ONLY AN ASSUMPTION, he'll probably get some visitation and then the case will be revisited at a later date.

lostparent

Could you ask for supervised visits based on his abuse of you, with out the drugs even being a factor? Maybe you should see what your lawyer recommends. Will be thinking of you an praying for a good out come.

drainedwife

thank you all...tomorrow is the TRIAL--->>>if he doesnt sign the FM restraints agreement, than we go to trial and...if we go to trial, i will likely be called upon the witness stand to testify...and all the evidence will come out and he can loose his liscense and maybe be incarcerated for the contempt of court (breaking the restraining order)....i dont know why my ah would risk everything and go to trial, but with him it seems to be all about his EGO and punishing me and being in control...he seems to know exactly what he is doing and wont stop until he gets what he wants......ONe question though---

if an addict is in denial, and they blame someone--,in this case, their spouse for everything, than how can they make the choice of recovery, espcially if their denial is so strong....and they really truly believe they do not have a problem? i believe my ah's stubborness, and his inablility to really look at himself is making it worse and nearly impossible to break through the denial..i mean, he obviously knows he uses drugs, he has told me it isnt right, but i think that when he stops for a few weeks, that tells him in his own sick mind, that since he can stop he must have control and therefore, he is not an addict.....

he says he is fighting for the kids--but i dont see that..he is ok with visitation as it stands now....there is no fighting for what is best for the kids..he keeps bringing up the sale of the marital home...and that is to punish me.....too much change is not good for the kids..If we have to sell because of financial reasons, then we'll sell, but he is using that as a threat, among other things, so i back off. otherwise, why keep mentioning it now, at this stage???

thanks for listening, and supporting me!

raerae6

It's pretty common for an addict to rationalize to themselves that they have some kind of control and don't have a "problem" if they can stay off drugs for a certain period of time.

Many times the addict has to "hit bottom", meaning their life has to get so bad that they realize something is wrong and except that they have no control over their drug use before they will get out of denial.

I hope your H hits his bottom someday. He is in such deep denial now.

Wishing you the best in court tomorrow!

Truffles

I just want to wish you the best tomorrow - be strong, you can do it.

He is probably still thinking that you won't testify if it goes to trial. When my AH was using he was all over the place with things he said. He did blame me at times for him using. There were times he told me I could keep the house and how I could afford it - but then there were the times where he would tell me you can't have the house and he would try and get custody. It was to punish me - custody? He was never home half the time anyway - why would he want to ruin his partying lifestyle.

Please post and let us know how you made out. I hope and pray it all turns out OK -I wish I could have had the streghten and courage you have now.