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Old 07-01-2007, 08:20 AM
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Namaste
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I am new

Hi everyone, I just stumbled upon this site and hope to find a new community of people who support each other in living a healthy lifestyle. Yesterday I came home after being out at a club all night, only to have my fiance tell me that if I did that again, he would probably leave me. Now, this man loves me and I know this, and I love him also. But I realize how my behavior has affected him, and I feel a lot of shame when I think about the fact that I could hurt someone who cares so much for me.
I spent a lot of my twenties functioning well (on the surface)--getting my master's degree at Columbia, becoming a teacher who is well respected, maintaining pretty good friendships, but underneath all of this there is a part of me that just wants to be high, and on weekends that is what I was doing. Its hard for me to figure it out, because it really doesnt feel like me, but it is a part of me that I am afraid of. For a while, I was able to embrace that feeling--I ended up it crappy relationships with people who partied a lot also, and we drank and occasionally did drugs, but of course they were not good people in relationships, and they made me really sad.
But here I am in a much better place in life, with a decent job and a healthy relationship, but there is still that weird demon inside of me that is constantly bored, frustrated, and antsy just to get ****** up. I think about going to clubs and being high on E and having the feelings that I used to have while being on that dancefloor, I think about doing lines of coke when I am sitting here doing work, its rediculous. And I just want to be free of that.
I was talking to a family member who is younger than me yesterday, and he had such a wise thing to say to me. When I asked why he went sober and how he continues to be sober, he just said, "well, I thought about all the times where I had gotten into some sort of trouble, be it legally, mentally, physically, whatever, when it was in my control. And I realized that all the times that I had gotten into trouble was when I had been drinking or smoking pot. And I realized that all the trouble and repercussions were just not worth it to me. And I think about that every day, and just get disgusted by the whole thing, and that keeps me where I am." It seems to simple, but its really true. I thought about the time I broke my rib and I have no idea how it happened, about the countless lost items, I think about how many times I woke up embarassed because I had overdone it AGAIN. And of course about the few times that my fiance could have left me, but hasnt YET. So, I figure that it is time to close that screwed up chapter in my life, but I am so scared to fail again, because I have tried before. I need to feel like I have a place to go or people to talk to when I am craving something that is bad for me.

I went to the newbie forum, but it seemed like a lot of people who already knew each other, but I will go back again . I would like to find a place where I can get to know some people, especially those who used to love the club life and all the crap that goes with it. But any support is greatly appreciated.

Thanks.
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Old 07-01-2007, 08:24 AM
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came-came to-came to believe
 
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Welcome Misscat-
Yup--it's all about the "YET'S" for me......there are too many to count.
If I had kept drinking very bad things were on my horizon.
One day at a time we don't have to drink again.
Keep posting-glad you are here
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Old 07-01-2007, 08:36 AM
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Thank you Cali, I want to make the choice but I am scred that it wont stick, or that it will change my friendships, since they are all social drinkers (just not nearly as bad as me--I just never knew when too much was too much). If I have more than one drink in a social setting I just keep going! I dont want to be tempted when I am with my friends, but they really are good people that I dont want to lose.The people associated with club life I have phased out of my life, with the exceptions of a few that I have other important and healthy things in common with. A lot of people say that if you want to stay sober that you have to change the people and places you go, but I dont want to feel alone. It would make sense that AA would be a good place, but I live right next to the town where I teach and I would feel really uncomfortable thinking that I might run into a parent or student (I teach high school and if they found out they would have a field day--even though we get along!). Honestly I just dont want to lose the people I care about by avoiding the places that we meet. Has anyone else dealt with this?
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Old 07-01-2007, 08:53 AM
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Smile Welcome

Hi Misscat, glad to have you with us. Keep reading and posting. There are lots of kind and understanding people here with lots of information. Have you ever read the book "Beyond the Infuence" by Katherine Ketchum? I'm reading it right now and it is an excellent book that explains everything about addictions.
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Old 07-01-2007, 08:55 AM
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I feel like I have seen it because my mom, ironically, is a therapist that dealt with drug and alcohol addictions as part of her job. I bet she has it. I'll check it out, thanks for the info.

I am not trying to alienate anyone here, but I am wondering if anyone knows of a person or place online that has some sort of focus on clubdrugs and recovery? I feel connected to anyone that can help with any info, like I said, but there doesnt seem to be much specifically devoted to that genre. It has somewhat of a stigma I think, but man, some of the people that I know from clubs are actually wonderful, smart, and caring people which is part of the draw of the lifestyle. Drugs just get intertwined through the whole thing, and often become the thing that is held in common amongst clubgoers. I worry because I know people that were FAR worse than me when it comes to drug use, and there's no place for these people to go?
Has anyone else here had experience with this particular world?
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Old 07-01-2007, 09:12 AM
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came-came to-came to believe
 
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Well, anyone with true quality friendship behind them will be behind you no matter what. It is a process, "sifting through" our present "lifestyles and friends" when we make a choice to get and stay sober. I know for me, many of my so-called "friends" supported me but if I hung out with them, they sure wouldn't "fight" for my sobriety....they liked the "old" me.....or tell me I wasn't really that bad.....etc etc.

It is a step at a time...we can't look at it as though we need to revamp absolutely everything over night----but then again if I didn't change certain things immediately,
I'd be drunk right now. This is where a sponsor is crucial...someone we can go to with all these little questions----or maybe even big ones.

As far as continuing to go clubbing with plans of sobriety in mind.....that for me would be one of the things that I would need to change immediately.
I don't go into package stores to buy Pepsi for that very reason....eventually I would surely buy booze. Just my 2 cents
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Old 07-01-2007, 09:22 AM
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Its interesting--you mention how your friends said they liked the "old you" and you werent that bad...sometimes I feel like people saay that because they dont want to feel like what they are doing is wrong. By making the choice to NOT do something that your friends do, that automatically gives them the impression that you think what they do is "wrong." But honestly, I dont care what people do, I just know that it is probably wrong for ME. Eventually, I will get hurt or hurt someone else. I envy the people that can have just one drink and stop. I dont really think, or at least I am beginning to realize, that I am not that kind of person. I cannot stop myself when I am in a social setting, and most of the time, it ruins the social aspect of it because I am more focused on the drinks or the drugs than the people I am with. I want to be a better person, a better friend, etc. Drinking, for me, will not help me to get there, and I hope my friends will support me.
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Old 07-01-2007, 09:50 AM
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True friends will support you. They may be weird at first because it may make them re-evaluate their behavior. My best friend and I have both been "trouble drinkers" but lately I've really gone off the edge. I'm pretty sure she feels as long as she doesn't go "as far" as me than she's okay and if I'm not drinking, well then she's the one out of control. But blah blah, my point is there WILL be a transition (one I'm about to go through myself!) but that the good friends will stick around. Are you in NYC? If so there are SO many meetings AA, NA that have all types of people, i'm sure you could find a fit. In fact at a meeting I was at on Friday a really handsome well dressed guy had the same "club" thing--alcohol and coke.

Oh, and welcome by the way.
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Old 07-01-2007, 10:06 AM
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I use to do "club drugs" Just not in clubs. I use to take E almost everyday for a year. I had at least a 4 pill a day habit with a 1/4 of weed to boot. I was also a bartender for 10 years. I worked in night clubs..strip clubs..all types. But never drank.
Maybe you just need to change the places thing. I know how it is to not want to lose your fiends. But if they are truely your friends then they will compromise to hang out in a more heallthy enviroment.
Sounds like you got a good man there. Those are hard to come by.
Anyway...Glad you are here.
And we were all new and didnt know anyone the first time. It's all on how much you decide to be involved in what we have to offer here.
Keep posting and you will see in no time you be more comfortable.
You'll be one of us!!! Thats not a bad thing.
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Old 07-01-2007, 10:17 AM
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Welcome !!!

Club Drugs ? Go check out the Substance Abuse Forum.

And don't forget those "Yets". The disease DOES progress, and things get worse over time.
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Old 07-01-2007, 10:25 AM
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It would make sense that AA would be a good place, but I live right next to the town where I teach and I would feel really uncomfortable thinking that I might run into a parent or student (I teach high school and if they found out they would have a field day--even though we get along!).
First of all, they would most likely be at an open meeting for the same reasons you are. But, if you're really that paranoid, you could find closed discussion meetings, where you'd be less likely to just "run into" anyone.

One of my favorite songs was "I Love The Nightlife", and my least favorite was "The Party's Over"...sure, I wanted the party to go on and on. Unfortunately, the "good times" caught up with me after 32 years of partying...and, I did have to change a lot of persons, places, and things associated with my drinking. After 27+ years of continued sobriety, I have no regrets...I probably would have been dead long before I reached retirement age...and, never would have lived to see my Great Granddaughter. The trade-offs are well worth it...you'll be gaining a whole lot more than you'll be giving up.
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Old 07-01-2007, 10:33 AM
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I teach high school and if they found out they would have a field day
There's a High School teacher in my home group. Her students, and their parents, see her as an inspiration.

Now, if you get fired because of drinking ( like I did), then you really have to worry about what people think. Jobs aren't usually given to practicing alkies.
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Old 07-01-2007, 10:35 AM
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drinking, drugging, clubbing:

fun

fun with problems

problems with fun

problems

took me 25 yrs to cycle thru it.

you don't have to!

there is a life sober

a darn good one, happy, joyous & free....one filled with serenity, amazing clarity & inner peace.

it's there for you.

I know, I'm living it............

Tom
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Old 07-01-2007, 10:45 AM
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Namaste
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
I use to do "club drugs" Just not in clubs. I use to take E almost everyday for a year. I had at least a 4 pill a day habit with a 1/4 of weed to boot. I was also a bartender for 10 years. I worked in night clubs..strip clubs..all types. But never drank.
Maybe you just need to change the places thing. I know how it is to not want to lose your fiends. But if they are truely your friends then they will compromise to hang out in a more heallthy enviroment.
Sounds like you got a good man there. Those are hard to come by.
Anyway...Glad you are here.
And we were all new and didnt know anyone the first time. It's all on how much you decide to be involved in what we have to offer here.
Keep posting and you will see in no time you be more comfortable.
You'll be one of us!!! Thats not a bad thing.

Wow--what got you to stop? That is a lot of E--do you notice any lasting effects from that year? Thanks for your support!
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Old 07-01-2007, 10:59 AM
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Well..I dont know really. I think I started doing more of a different drug and that consumed me.
I never got hooked on E. I took it because it was there and alot of the times free to me.
I didnt feel I needed it if I didnt do it.
But dont strt doing another drug to replace another.
That is just how it happened for me.
I know lots who were addicted to it.
People having seizures from it...broken teeth from the chatter teeth affect.
Puking on the stuff.
See none of that ever happened to me.
I was just HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.
I could be entertained at staring at the wall.
That stuff is so dangerous.
I have seen people drop like a rock out of nowhere.
Especially if your out dancing and raising your heart rate.
E is heroin based with who knows what else in it.
Wish I had the answer.
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Old 07-01-2007, 03:27 PM
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MisCat

Welcome...In recovery i learned it doesn'rt amtter what the drug of choice was...it was the expereinces..that is the common bond...Where we were...what happene and what it is like now...in many forms we all have been to hell and baack...someof us several times..in different ways each time..her ewe focus on teh recovery and just for today you can do this...it is a "WE" program...I know I woudl not be here if it were left up to me and me alone to get clean and sober...It took and continues to take others sharing with me.

Stopping is the easy part...Living clean is the deal today...and we do it together

Keep on keeping on

So glad you found us..Would liketo invite you to join us on the women's forum too.
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Old 07-01-2007, 03:28 PM
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everything is already ok
 
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Welcome Misscat
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Old 07-01-2007, 03:54 PM
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ecstasy did way more damage to me than any other drug (and thats including heroin). i havent rolled probably in 7-8 years but from age 17-19 i severely abused it. i was going to raves every weekend and for about 18 months i probably took 10-15 pills a weekend. it devastated me. emotionally i was ruined for years, sick with depression completely drained of serotonin. sexually i feared irrepairable damage. psychologically it was dark, haunting, and murderous. physically i was left with side effects of hallucinating little white slivers appearing everywhere i looked for many years (this would occur for about 60 seconds several times a week). finally after 17+ months of sobriety and nearly a decade without ecstasy it finally has healed. had i continued i would have without a doubt been institutionalized. ecstasy is by far the worst drug for my brain ive ever taken. heroin addiction was obviously much tougher to kick but didnt have anywhere near the long term effects.
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Old 07-01-2007, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by AllaFlutter View Post
MisCat

Welcome...In recovery i learned it doesn'rt amtter what the drug of choice was...it was the expereinces..that is the common bond...Where we were...what happene and what it is like now...in many forms we all have been to hell and baack...someof us several times..in different ways each time..her ewe focus on teh recovery and just for today you can do this...it is a "WE" program...I know I woudl not be here if it were left up to me and me alone to get clean and sober...It took and continues to take others sharing with me.

Stopping is the easy part...Living clean is the deal today...and we do it together

Keep on keeping on

So glad you found us..Would liketo invite you to join us on the women's forum too.
Thanks for this.
Its weird, before, my fiance really hurt me...I am an artist who recently rented a studio for $150 a month--very cheap actually, and he said that he didnt think I would use it because it is about 25 minutes away. I said, well, if I am not going to be going out then I will definitely want to spend time there...and he just said he believed that I would just start going out again because that's "how I am..."
I said I needed a little more support, and he said--"look, I have been giving you support all this time, and it hasnt changed anything."
I dont know whether to be hurt or to just feel bad. Yeah, I have already thought about pouring myself a drink tonight and it pisses me off, mostly because I didnt think it had become such a big part of my life. I mean, I have gone weeks without doing ANYTHING, but not as much lately, and here I am thinking about it--its like I get bored and figety and just want an escape.
But I also wonder if my fiance overreacts or is more sensitive to me because his mom still is an alcoholic. I am not trying to make excuses but I wonder if he is trying to make me feel worse than I should. Sometimes my friends think he is too hard on me, and these are not people who abuse any drugs. They think that he is great but when it comes to this topic he overreacts. Personally, I think I overdo it when I am in social settings completely, and I dont feel like waking up embarassed or feeling like I have been distanced from people due to drinking at a party. But I dont overdo it at home at all. But what makes someone an alcoholic, I sometimes wonder...I know its not an easy definititon, but I just feel confused.
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