rozied

I have a real problem. Before my AS was arrested for Retail Theft he wrote 2 bad cks at a Credit Untion he belongs to. This was the first time he did something like this BUT it doesn't surprise me as I know Drug Addiction is a progressive illness. Now yesterday I recieved a leter from him along with papers from the District Attorney in charge of the bad ck restitution dept. The DA wrote that they wanted $1,887 from my son to avoid criminal charges. The money must be pd by July 2. It says right on the paper that bad cks under $200 were a Summary Offense punishable by a fine up to $300, & cks more than $200 a Misdemeanor were punishable by a fin up to $5,000, and/or 2 yrs in jail.
My son wants help from me & my mom. Now I can tell my son NO as I KNOW if I pay them the next time he is on the street he will do worse. I KNOW unless he ACCEPTS the consequences of his actions he won't learn a thing. Not so my mom. It seems he also wrote her a letter & said he is facing 10 to 20 years in jail unless they are paid. It doesn't make any sense to me cuz my son sent me the actual letter from the DA saying what thepunishment is. My mom said she is going to pay it no matter what. I am starting to think my mom made up the 10-20 jail time to justify paying it.
All I know is I am a wreck over this. You know my single son desperately needs some help this month with some bills so he can keep a roof over his families head. He is a single dad of a 5 yr old & a 2 yr old. This is so sick, I am so upset over this.
Does anyone have any ideas how I can get through to my mom???

tropikgal2

Can you show her the actual letter you have from the DA's office stating the real consequences? You can't stop her from paying, but it might make a difference if she knows the truth.

pjbs55

Rozied,
I don't think there is anything you can say to your mom that will change her mind. Show her the letter you received, and tell her if she wants to help one of her grandson the other one could really use the help. Tell her she would also be helping her 2 great grandchildren.
Your mom seems to be really determined to help your AS no matter what, maybe because she does not want to tell her friends that he is in jail.
Did your AS say anything about paying either of you back? If not tell her she is just throwing her money away for drugs.
I will keep all of you in my prayers

rozied

I read her the letter, she is practically denying what it says. I really doubt my son said 10-20. I really must think my mom is saying that to justify paying it. If my son said 10-20 he wouldn't ave sent the actual letter stating what the punishmnt is.
Thanks Tropikgal.

rozied

Thanks Pam, You know I believe my mom does these things with my AS cuz she feels guilty. I was married but only 18 when I got pregnant with him & my ex was a compulsive gambler. My mom needless to say didn't like him & she leaned on me to have an abortion ( even though they were illegal bk then ) and when I refused she tried to talk me into giving him up for adoption.
I think she still feels guilty about it. My AS is now 40yrs old & she has been spoiling him his whole life.
The funny thing is she swears this will be the last time............do you have any idea how many times she has said that. More times than I can count.

marle

Rozied, Hands off. Let your mom do what she wants. I know that this is hard, but everyone is an adult and has the right to do what they want. You are doing your best to keep your hands off the situation. There will always be someone who is willing to enable an addict. We can't run around and prevent it. My daughter gets no help from us but she is living with an abf who gives her drugs and his mom enables him when he is low on cash. Would I like to bump them both off so that my daughter has a chance? You bet I would, but then maybe she will just find someone worse to enable her. So Let it Be. You are keeping your side of the street clean. If your mom helps your AS and he gets out and commits a worse crime, then the consequences are his. There will come a time when even your mother will not be able to prevent what is going to happen. Hugs, Marle

rozied

Marle, That may be good advice but OH so hard to do. I told her yesterday it was her decision but like you I wonder when she will be satisfied when the coroner calls!!!
My other son needs help desperately & here my mom wants to throw away almost another $2,000...................while he was writing these bad cks he stole $1,500 from my parents........thats $3,5000 & all my younger son would need to pay all the bills is $800.

dollydo

Hand Off both of them. Your mother will never get it. By doing this she will help him to get worse, not better. He will move onto bigger and more illegal things, it will happen. There will come a time that all the money in the world will not keep him out of prison, and the 10-20 may become a reality, not just an addicts con job.

What about your Dad, for awhile he seemed to be getting it.

As for your younger son is he still smoking pot? If so, the money wasted on that crap could have been used to pay his rent. Maybe its time for him to put his education on hold for a time and get a full time job, so, he can support his family.

Just my thoughts.

rozied

Thanks Dolly, I don't believe my As said 10-20 yrs, if you read all the posts you will see that.
As far as my dad goes he is still against helping him anymore BUT my mom wked all her life & told him its her money too & she is doing it.

dollydo

I did read what you said...I am not saying he will do 10-20 now, I'm saying if he gets off the hook again, it will lead to worse behavior, because he will know that eventually someone will try and bail him out.

This cycle of enabling your two boys has gone on throughout their entire life, they feel they are entitled to be rescued. It keeps them both as children, they have never had to grow up and become responsibile adults. And if this doesn't stop now, they never will, they will be 60 year old men still running around in diapers.

I don't say this to be harsh, but, this is reality, at it's finest.

funkzter

Rozied, long time no "see"
I'm sorry, this situation must be difficult to deal with. I agree that there's nothing you can do or say to your mum to make her change her mind, if she has already made up her mind.
I hope things will ger better for younger son.

xox
Carine

Elana

I will wade in here.. and as harsh as it may sound, I think Dolly is right.

That being said, I will back off because I am not standing in your shoes and these are not my kids, my feelings or my boundaries to set...

Love ya girl.

notsleepingwell

Am copying this post by Nyte...maybe you could print it out and give it to your mother


You can't make me clean

I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it - I won't be.

You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be.

I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down *the person in me .. a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.


The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean.

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF

By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find the my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself.

I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...

Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.

Passion
Recovering Addict

teke

hi rozied, i kind of agree with dolly too, there is not much you can do about your mother and her actions. i think maybe you will just have to allow here to do whatever she wants to do. sorry but just like dolly said, it may come a time where your mom won't be able to help. thats the way that things happened for my ah, my mil is a major enabler and she had to exhaust her own means before she was forced to stop helping for a while. she ended up homeless trying to help my ah stay out of trouble and keep a home. keeping you and your in my prayers

hope213

maybe you & your dad both can talk to your mom.same actions,same results.he is never going to hit his bottom with all the help he gets.i know i used to do it also,until i learned better.one day if will not matter how much money any body has to pay the courts will get tired of him & he will get alot of time.wasted money... prayers for all of you & your son too.hugs,hope

rozied

Thank You EVERYONE!!!
Dolly you are right, I am seeing it myself. My mom spolied my AS since he was little & I seeing my younger son being left out spoiled him. Now I have a 34 yr old son on my hands that doesn't know the meaning of the word no. I have posted this before about seeing a 33 yr old having temper tantrums, its not a pretty sight.
I know I cannot control my mom but I can control myself. My younger son has been hearing no from me for awhile. I have been trying to slowly with baby steps get him to stand on his own 2 feet.
Carine, its good to " see " you too!!!
Passion I have been looking for that post to print out & show to my mom.......thank you.
Teke & Hope thanks for your input.

Wascally Wabbit

Rozied, it seems like your mom is going to do what ever she wants to do whether you like it or not.
The son who is trying so hard to make it deserves all the help right now.
I know it's so hard. You're really strong, and you'll make the right decisions.

bookmiser

(((((Rozied)))))

Just love, prayers, and support, dear friend.
I know it's hard. Stay strong. Keep your focus.
I'm cheerin' ya on.

Love,
Linda

Ann

I'm sending a hug too because I know you know the right answer here, it's just so hard to do. But "hands off the addict" and "hands off the enablers too" is your permission to step back and let the whole world screw up if they want to, and you don't have to join them.

Hugs

ladyamalthea

I would say that as long as you are not doing the enabling, your healing can continue (hopefully) and that way whenever he does have no one else to bail him out and he does hit rock bottom, he'll have a better, more knowledgeable supporter in you, rather than another enabler. Your mom will hopefully learn better in her own time.

I know how you feel though, as my parents enable my sister. *hugs*