gns

I knew he emailed other girls, but I checked his email (bad I know, but I needed to see b/c I was still holding out hope) and found out that he slept with someone 3 YEARS into our relationsip WHILE we were looking for houses togaether!!!

I should have trusted my instincts - I didn't have trust issues - he is a liar and a cheat!! I am devasted. He clearly did not love me.

It is also scary to see how much he manipulates women. He posted his sex dream to one woman and one minute later posted the same dream to another woman!!! He also started sleeping with the woman he was email flirting with me on. I feel doubly betrayed, esp because he was flirting with her in a girlfriend way - (she WAS engaged and living in a house with a man at the time) but he was also propositioning other woman at the same time he was writing things to make her feel "special" - how he started fantasizing about her when he met her and how beautiful she looked when he saw her on his bed.

Also bad-mouthed me - I am too high maintainance and that having sex with me was like "rape" b/c I was not into it (not true by-the-way). He wanted to have sex on my bed still in the house to "screw me - literally". "gns when she looks at the bed - is that *** stains on my bed?"

He moved his couches from the house then moved them back and took my couches without asking me! (they were going to charity - including the freakin BED!!!)

Who is this man? How could I think I loved him and even thought he loved me???

splendra

((((gns))))

I can really feel the pain of your raw emotions. Honey he is not worth the dirt in the cracks of your shoes...I know it hurts.....

MTBChick

gns - see my post to you in the thread addiction and infidelity.

(((hugs))) to you.

~MTB

justjo

gns, sorry you are going through this honey. Sounds absolutely horrifying. The best thing you can do is get rid of him once and for all. You deserve so much better and anyone who treats you like this should be thrown in the trash.
I wish you all the best.

Janitw

Awwww sweetie.....the pain just tears you up right now I know....I wish there were words to comfort you and I know there aren't any...just remember one thing....it's HIS loss...his choice....BUT ... you have choices toooooo......

My XAH left me and his kids 2 years ago and I still see him standing way at the back of our property just staring out over the pond .... his regrets I would imagine...and I have or would never give him the time of day for what he has done to our family and our life...

Trust me on this hun.......he WILL have regrets for what he's done. It may take some time but in the end that Karma bus will smack him hard. Will you get to see it happen? Maybe? Maybe not. But it will none the less. You just carry on with your life and keep a smile on your pretty face and remember its better that you found out now than later. The best revenge is to live and live well. You have nothing to be ashamed of just you remember that ok. It's his shame and his alone.

((((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))))))))

Janitw

dobiediva

((((((((((gns)))))))))))) I know what you're going through. Going through it myself. I recently found out that my ex cheated on me with 3 different women in the last month or so that we were together. He of course denies it but I've heard it from 3 different people now including his brother (who accidentally "confirmed" it while trying to deny it.) One of the women was his brother's girlfriend. When I asked A's brother about it he told me "He said he didn't do anything with her. She said she doesn't even like him" I asked "Why would you even need to ask them about it?!" Obviously his brother was suspicious enough to ASK both of them about it. That's enough in my mind to know something was up! Just shows you (and me) what kind of person A is to screw over not only ME but his own brother!

My A also did the email thing. He was on several singles sites and everytime I found out about them he would just go sign up under a different account and get a new email address that I didn't know about and couldn't check. When I recently checked his cell phone bill I saw a whole bunch of calls to one of the bartenders that I now know he was having a fling with.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know exactly what you are going through. It sucks, but its exactly what I needed to find out to help me stay angry enough to stay away from him! He's a loser. I deserve better! So do you!!

gns

Thank you all for sharring your stories and your support.
I am even wondering if he is more of a narcisist/sociopath than an addict. He is a very good manipulator! I was so fooled! Maybe the alcohol thing is a way to garner sympathy.

embraced2000

(((((gns))))))

today is not a good day for me to offer support, cause it would sound more like sick revenge......so i will tell you that i am so very sorry for your pain and i will send up peaceful prayers for all of us here that are so cruelly affected by the actions of the alcoholic.

hang in there.....

braveheart6

Gns you have a Pm

gns

Thank you all! I feel so STUPID and wonder if I made it all up (my feelings/his feelings??). It is hard to understand - it wasn't a few months - it was three years! We bought a house together. Was he manipulating me? He just couldn't handle monogamy and fidelity? Was he trying to get rid of me (especially at the end)?

Then he lied to me so many times to my face??

When I first found out he didn't seem to make much of a heroic effort to win me back and certainly did not at the end. Clearly, I was not that important to him.

splendra

revenge will back fire on you better to stand back and let his karma teach him his lesson...

lilac

yep, as hard as it is , revenge is not the answer. He will get what is coming to him. Karma has a way with that. (((Hugs)))

Pick-a-name

Sorry you have to feel this hurt. I feel the same things. Mine was my husband of nearly 30 yrs. UNBELIEVALBLE! I am trying to refrain from questioning all those years. He is a sick man; I would never have gone out with him in the first place if he had been like he is today, so I have to remember that and not ruin the memory of the good times before the alcoholism.

Hope you can do something nice for yourself today; you deserve it!

gns

Thanks for your responses.

The question is - is he "sick" like someone you feel bad for, or "sick" like a pathologic liar with a personality problem.

I vote for the latter!

I kept trying to "excuse him" because of his alcoholism, but I think the profound selfishness and narcissim is the greater issue.

fluffyflea

Consider it a blessing you found this out and move on. He is sick and no reason to have sympathy for him. Take care of yourself.

Earthworm

dobiediva

I always tried to convince myself that he cheated because he was drunk. Maybe it was a way to excuse his behavior without having to beat myself up for accepting it. When I checked his cell phone bill I saw that wasn't necessarily the case. The phone calls and text messages to the latest conquest were while he was at work (usually in between texts and calls to me!) and during times when he wasn't with me (usually out with his drinking buddies). He used to always say "How could I cheat on you? I'm always WITH you!" Apparently he managed to find a way! "It" only takes 10 minutes!!

The thing that really opened my eyes to his lying was the calls to the "other woman" the night he was arrested for his 4th DUI. He called HER before he came over here (she didnt' answer and didn't call him back) and then he called her another 6 times while sitting in my driveway. So does that mean I was his SECOND choice for a place to stay that night? He had to drive PAST his house to get to my house and then her house is an additional 20 minutes away. Apparently he wasn't too worried about getting another DUI. He was more concerned with a bootie call!

And oh the SHOCK and "how could you?" attitude he gave me when I confronted him about her! He was ANGRY with ME for accusing him of cheating. They sure are a piece of work aren't they?

venusinlibra

Honey it is NOT your fault. He is sick mentally, emotionally, and physically. He needs all those women's attention because of his insecurity.

Be thankful he is out of your life and you have hope for something better. Those poor other girls are going to get stuck with his narcisstic and piggish behavior.

I had issues with ABF with the email, text, and phone stuff when we first got together. I kept having to set boundaries with him. The girls eventually fell away and now he is sober. We no longer have struggles on the girl issue but day to day living.

I am sure he loved you to the best of his ability. Most addicts are in a constant fog and they are addicted to anything that is bad for them. Whatever is taboo is where they drawn too.

Don't blame yourself. Go to Alanon and make some new friends. Wish you the best.

Janitw

Hunny - He grew it now he can chew it !!! Let time run its course...time will deal with him...and time plays for keeps.

Barbara52

There can be all sorts of aspects/reasons for the behaviors. A great deal can be due to the disease but other personality flaws can be there too.

minnie

I feel sorry for anyone who has to go through life hurting other people. There must be a dark reason why they are that way, so I am able to find some compassion for them as a new-born even if I can't feel it for them as an adult.

Seems that there is a lot of reality being thrust in people's faces just now and I feel for you all. I noticed there was almost a full moon tonight - I have noticed before that things get a tad "shifted" at these times.

As I said on jeri's thread, this is not about drinking per se, although thrill-seeking and pushing the boundaries of acceptability seem to go hand in hand sometimes.

Hope you can find some peace soon.