gns

That is the part I have the hardest time with - infidelity. That is the most soul-crushing aspect.

Just wondering about other people's stories

Janitw

Hunn I wanted sooo badly to believe that infidelity and alcoholism were joint but I came to find out by the good people here that it was not. Two different problems. My husband I always believed would never cheat on me and then it happened...and even tho the alcohol took him into the bar it did not make him cheat...they may get drunk and disorderly but hunny they still have choices...I think the one mad summed it up in a nut shell to me by saying that alcohol just took away the desire to care if he cheated or not. Soooo it doesnt MAKE them cheat they CHOOSE to do it. I'm sorry because I know only too well the damage it can cause. Tell us more okay..it will make you feel better by talking and sharing with those who have gone through it.

(((((((((gns))))))))))))))

Janitw

denny57

I wouldn't worry as much as to why they cheat or not, but about how it makes me feel and what I'm going to do about it. I've been through it.

I have met many wonderful recovering addicts who did things during their drinking careers they would never do today. I'm certainly in no position to pass judgment on what someone would do under the influence. But I can certainly take a look at their behaviors, drunk and sober, and choose what is best for me. That was not an easy lesson.

best

Or to put it another way...
Alcohol lowers the resistance to fight off the temptation to cheat or not.

All who drink don't cheat and all who cheat don't drink.
Two separate issues but alcohol is a magnifier of what could be otherwise controled.
Not to be used as an excuse because even while drunk, we should be held accountable for our actions or inactions.

splendra

((((gns))))

I agree that addiction does not make people be unfaithful. It may of course be used as an excuse or to lower resistance.

It does hurt so much to be the partner of someone who has been or is being unfaithful. I am sorry if that is true of your relationship...

steve11694

A very smart and seasoned addiction counselor told us that addiction and promiscuity are indeed significantly correlated.

dobiediva

My exABF claimed to love me and sometimes I really believed that. It seems that every time he "appeared" to be getting his life back together just as I'd let my guard down he'd start drinking and then start cheating again. I have no proof he actually had sex with anybody else, but he has called other women at all hours of the night (when drunk) has been seen with other women in the bars, has emailed other women, and I was told by a friend of his that he has in fact slept with other women while we were together. That is something I can't put up with. Drunk or not he is putting MY health at risk with his behavior and doesn't seem to think its a big deal because "he doesn't have feelings for anybody else but me" What a load of crap! If he had "feelings" for me then he'd care how much his infidelity CRUSHES me. If he found out I had been with someone else he'd go NUTS! So why should I accept it when HE does it?! I shouldn't. I can't. I won't!

GlassPrisoner

Ahhh, "The Other Woman". "The One That Really Understands Me". Been there, done that. Sadly.

It was never physical (never even kissed her) , but only because she wouldn't with a married man.

In my case, it was definitely related to the -ism. Not the drinking, but the underlying cause. Because my Job and my Wife and the Lack of Money were (in my head) the root cause of my problems, it made perfect sense that another woman could fix at least one of those problems.

Also, once the disease progressed and me an my Ex were separated, Sex became the main goal in my life. I thought about it constantly.

Now, in recovery, I realize it wasn't my wife. And the Sex drive is back to what nature and God intended. So, for this alkie, I would have to say the two are definitely correlated.

Lastly, and I'm, not passing blame here, She must have been sick too (the other woman). I can't see what would be attractive about a dry drunk. Must be that old alcoholic charm.

justjo

I dont have a hard time with it. It would just have to happen once and my foot would be kicking him out the door. Drunk or Not!
Whether you are a 'normie' or 'alkie' everyone makes their own choices and believe me, he knows exactly what he is doing. So why are you putting yourself through this, because you LOVE him. Move on, and get the respect you deserve.

Live

Glass, I just want to whole heartedly thank you for being here and being of great understanding and service to us.
I find your service work here to be quite commendable to say the least!
Thank you so very much!
I doubt you will ever truly know the blessing and help you give us.

gns

I learned more detail and you are right - it is NOT (just) alcohol. He is a liar and a sociopath. It makes me so angry that he gets away with it - where is the justice?? When do I get to see him fall!! He DOES not deserve to keep doing this and to keep winning!

MTBChick

gns ((((hugs)))) to you. I know how painfull this all is right now. I went through the same thing you are going through last year this very weekend. I didn't think I would make it through it and all I wanted was for him to get what he deserved. As the year went on I got better and little by little it hurt less and less. The begining of this week we had contact and I learned that he hadn't ever really loved me but did and still does love the other woman (she dumped him last year) and he has found recovery through AA and will have one year of sobriety this weekend. At first I was hurt, old wounds were re-opened and I of course thought how can this be fair!! What helped me was to just keep telling myself that this too shall pass. Its hard and it hurts but it will get better.

~MTB

prodigal

gns, you may not see justice in this lifetime. Life is NOT fair and there are people who get away with things that are disgusting. What goes around, comes around. He's not winning, he's just getting away with his nonsense for awhile. Ultimately, he will pay. Take some comfort in that. In fact, there's nothing about what you've told us here that indicates he's winning or a winner. He's behaving like a loser, thus he will end up losing.

I can understand your anger and outrage, because there have been times when I used to watch exAH con people and use them for money and get away with it. Yes, I was one of the many he used in order to get money. Why work when you can have some brain dead, codie female earn the paycheck and keep the house of cards together? I learned the hard way. I was indeed outraged when I found out I had been used by a hardcore sociopath. But after I beat up on myself for a long time, I was able to see that I was sick too. I scraped him off the bottom of my shoe, learned to forgive myself, and got on with enjoying my life. It ain't fair, but he's not worth expending your energy on to fuel anger and hopes that he gets what he deserves. He will, indeed he will ...

justjo

prodigal! I couldnt have put it better myself. You hit it on the head sweetie.

braveheart6

(((gns)))

If you read my previous posts you'll see why I totally understand the agony of going through this.

Please remember you are a decent,loving,strong woman and this is NOT YOUR FAULT.

I post on other boards which deal with infidelity and if you want to Pm me I'll help you out as much as I can.

Stay strong and safe and take care of you.