Barbara52

I justt wanted to start my posting in this forum by saying how ownderful it is to have found this place. I've only done a bit of reading but you all understand!@ You've been where I am and I thnk God a friend pointed me here.

Short version of my story:

I've been married 4 years to a man who I now realize is an alcoholic. Actually being honet with myself, I knew before we were married and ignored it. At any rate its become a marriage I don' think I can live with unless my husband can admit his problem and make changes in his behaviors. He has been unemployed for almost 2 yrs, he has destroyed his relationship with his daughters and he is killing the love I have left. I know I have been (an continue to) enabled his drinking and his lack of effort in finding a job. I know its not my fault. But I haven't reached the point where I can kick him out or leave him yet.

aztchr

Hi Barbara,
Welcome to a great source of support and resources!!
Keep reading and posting! We look forward to getting to know you more.
You don't have to make any decisions today. Just remember to take care of yourself!

Barbara52

Decisions are a ways off yet. Its only in the past month or so that I have allowed myself to see the reality of my life. I'm still coming to terms with all the realizations that are flowing in. I can see that this palce will be a source of support and inforation, something I surely need.

denny57

Welcome, Barbara52, glad you're here!

If you haven't read them already, I'd suggest starting with the "Stickys" at the top of the forum.

Short story what worked for me: Al-Anon, therapy, family doctor and educating myself on the disease.

Keep posting - you have found the right place!

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome. You have the hard decision to make. Often it begins with stopping the enabling.

Barbara52

Thanks to all of you.

In a way I'm especially disgusted with myself for getting in this position 'cause I should have known better. Both my parents were alcoholica, both my borhters are alcoholics. I know what the disease looks like, acts like but ignored it because I was in love. But I've finally admitted to myself what is going on and have begun the process of understanding. Lord, this is scary and uplifting all at the same time.

Spiritual Seeker

In my opinion for what it is worth: Get yourself some counseling and into Alanon.
Obviously alcholism is what you are comfortable with even when it is subconscious.
You can change. grow, learn, and reprogram yourself if you do the work. I did.

Barbara52

Yup, counseling and Alanon is something I'm looking into. Fourtunately, I already know a great therapist.

I have to figure out hwo to stop my self destructive behaviors. I've got to figure out why I act like its ok to be used this way. And learn how to stop all this going forward.

splendra

((((Barbara))))

Good to meet you! I am sure I have done some serious ignoring too and so have a bunch of others.

Feel safe here it is a great place. Be gentle with yourself...

GlassPrisoner

Thanks

No offense to any of you that have had a relation with an alkie, but I've always wondered about the "I woke up one day and realized he/she was an alcoholic".

I'm a recovering alkie, but my sponsor has been in al-anon for 10+ years. It's a great program.

denny57

I didn't make the connection until I walked into Al-Anon. Really.

prodigal

Welcome Barbara52. You're from my neck of the woods - I'm on the other side of the Potomac, but I spent a lot of time in Arlington growing up because that's where my dad's family lived. "Love is blind" would certainly apply to those of us who married alcoholics. I knew to some degree, but the bad behaviors didn't show up until after the marriage. I just figured my AH loved to party and he was never nasty when he drank; quite the opposite.

Then I saw th deterioration right before my eyes. I honestly had no idea he would morph into the bitter, mean-spirited, self-serving man he became. In hindsight, I only got very brief glimpses of any thing vaguely resembling what he is now - kinda like mini-red flags.

You're on the right path because you want to find out why you have chosen to marry an A and you want to look at who you are. That's the best you can do, one day at a time. Please post and vent when you feel the need. You will get support here. It's a good place to be.

Barbara52

I took a step today that feels very good. I calmly told my husband that I am finished with nagging, finished with asking to do what he already knows he needs to do and that its now up to him what happens with our marriage. I also told him I am going to be joining an Alanon group because I need help and can't change his alcoholism. He said he would take actions (look for a job). I said I hope you do but I will no longer nag about any of it. Then I said for the first time that if he does not make positive moves, I will move out.

It felt really good to say those things to him and to not do it in a confrontational or angry way.

Barbara52

That describes my marriage too. I ignored those red flags before marriage and for a couple of years after we married. Its a second marriage for both of us. My first marriage lasted 18 years and fell apart because we grew in different directions. It was an amicable parting. This time, if the marrriage ends it will be because I learn to value myself and stop the madness.

cagefree

Welcome Barbara,

This is a great place to bring your recovery between Al-Anon meetings. Glad you decided to post here.

Like you said it - value yourself and "stop the madness"!