Calmity_Jane

Hi

New to chat rooms and web postings ... but i just need some advice from people who live on this rollercoaster.

My mother has been drinking for about 17 years but serioulsy alcoholic for about 7. She has been attending community detox and i believe that she does want to stop. However, she constantly says that she wants to control her drinking and doesnt want to totaly quit - she reckons she can be a 'social' drinker??? I dont think this is possible?? We have two schools of thought in the UK - one organisation that says that this is possible.

Anyway, she came to stay with me because she was feeling ill - within a day of staying she had the DT's - which i have witnessed just once before. Later that night she took a ''fit' and i called the ambulance (more because i was terrified) and they kept her in the hospital. In the hospital shes thumped a nurse and has been violent to other patients - more than anything im really embarressed - but she has a CAT scan tommorow to determine the damage, if any, to the brain.

Right now shes really confused and dazed and at the same time aggressive. Im sure everyone who has an alcoholic realtive or partner understands that underneath this disease is a really nice person but my questions are:

a) what are peoples experiences of someone 'recoving' after this period of time?

b) I feel crap that i have put the Nurses feelings ahead of my mothers . Is this right? Are these feelings common? What is right thing to do in these circumstances - when you know what they have did is wrong but equally you know that it wasnt them.

c) Given that this is the first fit i have seen but the last i want to see, whats your thoughts on telling her this when shes 'better' - I never want to have to see that again and dont see why i should need to?

Any views, experience, opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Jane

Gabe

takes many forms. Sometimes, it includes the DT's (derlerium tremors). This is the "fit" that you are speaking of, I'm guessing. I can understand why you would feel embarassed, but remember that this is not something that your mother is doing on purpose. Nor does she have any control over it. Most rehabs give their patients Valium or some similar drug for a few days to take the edge of the "coming down" part of detox.
I don't think it's possible for someone with an addiction to alcohol to become a "social drinker". That is just my opinion, but it's based on the experiences that I have heard from many recovering alcoholics.
Welcome to the board, I hope you stick around.
Peace,
Gabe

EmotionalMeg

Hi Jane,
My Husband is a recovering Alcoholic / Addict.
I have been going to open AA and NA meetings with him recently, and was struck by what one of the long time members said... "A 'normal' person (non-alcoholic) NEVER has to convince themselves that MAYBE they could be a SOCIAL drinker...". It just doesn't happen. An alcoholic has to abstain in order to get / stay healthy... plain and simple. If your mother is trying to hold on to this hope, she is not ready to get sober.
I imagine you are feeling a lot of pain right now; we all have felt this pain in varying degrees. Knowing that you cannot "help" your mother, leaves the door open for you to help yourself. Because when you stop carrying the burden of the alcoholism on yourself, the answers come easier.
It's hard isn't it, the shame the embarressment that an alcoholic can put on themselves AND you? I hate it when I hear of the things my husband said or did when he was using, or how I have tried to hide it all and brush it under the rug. Where the nurses are concerned, you should not have to apologize... after all, YOU are not the one who said / did these things. Try to believe that the nurses feelings of your mother, and of you, have no TRUE bearing on who you are... they are feelings, not fact. I always wish I had 15 minutes with people who don't understand Alcoholism, so I can explain WHY my husband is the way he is... But I have to be OK just knowing that I understand, and leave it at that.
One more thing I wanted to say... You asked whether you should tell her of the "fit" when she is better. I can only respond by asking you what YOUR intentions are. Do you want to tell her hoping that she'll be SCARED and that THAT might make her want to get sober? Or do you truly want her to know what was happeneing to her in her detoxing state? Guilting or Shaming an A only makes them slide further into the depression of the addiction... We hope it may help, but it rarely does. Informing her of the facts is certainly a great idea however.
And lastly... Take care of YOURSELF Jane. Reach inside to find that vibrancy and beauty that we ALL have in our own ways. You have more strength than you think to get thru this. Have you been to ALanon? It's a wonderful tool in your OWN recovery.
Take care
Love Meg

Calmity_Jane

Hi

Thanks very much for responding it did make a differnce, thanks.

Meg re: making her feel guilty or shamed i think that was my intention but if it does in fact rarely help i will choose to hold my tounge.

All i need to figure out now is - how to keep my promise to myself that i cant nor won thelp her when shes in that state because it distresses me more than her - lets face it she cant even remember it!! Just need to figure out the words that dont make it sound like a threat or challenge.

Great site - Thanks again for responding :-)

Jane