ScarednScarred

For as long as i can remember my older brother has done drugs. He is a pot addict and I know he has experimented with XTC, oxycotin and other drugs. He has stolen lage quanities of money to feed his addiction and recently was arrested and had to spend a while in prison. Now he has a child due any day now and he isn't showing signs of getting help. He cant hold a job and he's slowly killing himself and the people who care for him. I just finished a song called Tracklines that will hopefully wake him up and I really hope the new baby will give him sence enough to stop using but im affraid that someday I'll find him dead from an overdose or somthing... Im afraid for his life and I need some advise. Please Help Me!

ladyamalthea

*hugs*

scared,

you and I are much alike. My younger sister is my addict, and I'm not sure she is any better off than your brother. She was stealing (often times from her own parents), she's been in jail twice so far, and she almost died of an OD a few weeks ago.

I would come sit with you right now if I could so that we could talk and share with each other. Sometimes the best remedy temporary remedy is just to have someone who can relate.

I bet the baby will be a big wakeup call for him. When he sees his child, hopefully his paternal instincts will kick in and he will up the bar. If not, he'll get the wakeup call eventually.

In the meantime, the best thing you can do for him is to take care of yourself. Have you ever tried a Nar-anon or Alanon meeting? Nar-anon is geared towards drugs, while Alanon is supposedly more for alcohol, but from what others on here are telling me, you can go to either one, as they same principles apply. Believe it or not, if this hasn't already eaten away at you to the point where you are constantly miserable, it is very likely you will get there without the support of others who have been there.

I am pretty new to these meetings, but I went to one last week with my parents and am going to find one to go to this week by myself, and the last one really helped me. I hope you will consider going. Let me know if you need the links to find the info.

Welcome to the forums, and as others have told me, come back as often as possible

*hugs*

Spiritual Seeker

read all you can about "detachment" because that is all we can do with an addict.
It is awful to watch someone self-destruct, I know. If your thoughts go to "fear, doubt or worry" just change the subject because that goes no where good.

ScarednScarred

My brothers baby was just born...now all i can do is wait...

hope213

scared, congratulations on being a new aunt & welcome to S.R. i am so sorry what brought you here but you are in the right place. i hate to say it but there is nothing that will make your brother stop using, not you nor his new baby.he will only stop when he gets ready.read all the stickys at the top of the forum. read around.he has got to hit his bottom before he will stop.good things in an addicts life usually is not it.you can not save him, save only yourself.i am sending a prayer up for you,the new baby,your brother & the babys mother.keep coming back.
what is the baby,girl or boy? its name? baby hugs for it...hope

Wascally Wabbit

Welcome to SR.
We all have someone in our lives that scares us with their addictions. It does take a toll on you.
I learned that there's nothing I can do about their addiction, I can only do something about myself.
What I am learning here is how I respond the addict. Do I lose my mind and go crazy with them, or do I maintain my own sanity with tools I learn in alanon. I choose sanity!!
Keep coming back here. This is a wonderful place!

notsleepingwell

HI, and welcome to SR!!! You've come to the right place to get help. At least for you!!! My addict is my daughter, and unfortunately, her son being taken from her wasn't enough to get her help.

But she is on the road now, and we are taking baby steps to recovery. Keep posting, congratulations on the new addition to the family!!

More will be along shortly to welcome you
NSW

HockeyMom

welcome SnS,

I married an addict (he's now clean) and my little brother is still an addict.

You need to get informed and get connected with other people who are going thru the same thing. Stick around these boards for a while and you'll learn quite a bit, but I also learned a lot from reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and by attending a good AA Big Book study group and Al-Anon groups.

This disease is scary. It progresses slowly for a long time and then in some cases will avalanche - or - they manage to pull themselves out of it. Either way, there's NOTHING we can do to help them.

I realize now, everything I did to help my AH actually just helped him use longer.

Enjoy that sweet baby, they grow up too quickly.

greeteachday

Hi Scared, Welcome. I know you want to help your brother...you sound like a very caring sister. But unfortunately he will have to find his own way and seek recovery. As was suggested, posting here, reading and learning all you can about addiction and going to meetings can help you to help yourself. And when one member of the family starts feeling more healthy it can't help but impact other family members.

I hope you enjoy being an aunt....

sun daisy

Welcome and know that we have all been where you have , in various stages and people. We have all dealt with it in our own ways with the help of everyone here. We all encourage and cheer each other on. So know that we all are here helping each other.

ScarednScarred

Ok everyone i just have to tell you all that im not a chick or an aunt..im a dude and an uncle! but thatnks for your support

ScarednScarred

Desease? how the hell can addiction be a desease! having a desease isnt your choice doing drugs is. my brother isnt an addict because he has a desease he's an addict because he decided to take that first puff and pass it down the line. i refuse to let my brother hit bottom because when your at the bottom you lose everything. my brother has nothing to lose so when he hits bottom he'll either be dead or suicidal and im not letting this go that far his "desease" is stopping now!

raerae6

As I was reading through here, i noticed the assumption that you are female and I thought, wait a minute...? LOL

It's probably cause for some reason it seems to be mostly females on this part on SR. i have often wondered why.

Anyway, The idea of addiction being a disease is controversial. The thing i do know is that there doesn't seem to be any reliable way to get an addict to change, they have to do it for themselves. I have never been involved in an intervention, but I guess it works sometimes.

HockeyMom

hey - only 2 out of 9 assumed you were female

I struggled with the word disease in the context of addiction also. I still do...
Yes, taking drugs is a choice, but there are many other people who choose to take drugs and then decide not to continue.

I met my husband in high school, we drank and partied like all our friends. Then some of our friends stopped, I slowed down, but he kept going strong. He got worse and worse, never wanting the party to be over. When the booze was gone, he'd go out searching for more, for coke, e, whatever he could get his hands on.

Now that he's clean, he works with other guys that are trying to get/stay clean. He doesn't use the word disease. He explains it as an allergy.

I have a peanut allergy and when I ingest peanuts, my body goes nuts, puffy, itchy throat, hot, can't breathe, etc. Tonnes of other people in this world can eat peanuts, no problem. They don't get the same reaction that I get.

He says he has an allergy to drugs and alcohol. If he takes a drink (that's what he always started with), something is his brain or body is wired differently than millions of other people in this world. If he has one drink, his body craves more and his mind plays tricks on him. Even though he should know to stop, his brain short-circuits and all logic goes out the window. Next thing he knows, he's out of money and hasn't been home for three days.

There's a lot more to it, but that's the gist of how he explains it. Six months in a residential treatment program did him a world of good. I only wish I had let him suffer his consequences sooner, maybe he would've got his butt in there sooner.

Have you ever watched A&E's show INTERVENTION? I learned a lot from that show. They talk about 'raising the bottom' for instance. An addict doesn't have to be on deaths door to ask for help. They just have to be uncomfortable, without access to money and someone to pick up their pieces. Until they learn why they shouldn't do what they're doing, it's hard to convince them to change.

just my two cents, but they're really only worth one cent

raerae6

Hockeymom, I have always wondered what people meant when they call addiction an 'allergy'-now i know. Thanks. They say that people always crave the things they are allergic to.

Louise54

I do believe it is a disease. My as said that as soon as he put that first percocet in his nose or mouth, he was hooked. He knows alot of people that do that just on weekends when their drinking, and are not addicted. They use these drugs recreationally. I personally don't know what taking oxys and percs does for you when your out drinking, but my point is my son's brain is wired differently, and he said if he wasn't hooked on those, it might have been something else.

caileesnana

I've never heard the allergy scenario, but it makes sense. Whatever you call it--addicition, disease, allergy, mental illness or all of them combined, it is very real. I think the exact truth will be found when they figure out which came first--the chicken or the egg!

Regardless, your brother(?) is sick and needs help. Sometimes loving someone isn't enough. We can't fix them or love them enough. They have to want it bad enough.

Sorry for your pain and anger, it sound so familiar to me! I've been there w/ my daughter. The more you read, understand, ask questions and take positive action the better I think you will feel.

You are a good brother/uncle to care so much! God bless
sa

Elana

Welcome. Congrats on being an Uncle!
Please keep coming back and posting. Read the stickies at the top of this forum. Listen to what ppl here have to say.. even if you don't agree with any of it right now.

Yes. That is true. They lose everything. And at that moment they may see that they need to actually do something to save themselves.
At that moment you can go no lower, you can only go UP.

You can try to keep him from hitting bottom.. but it will only cost you both in the process and there will likely be no cure or recovery as long at that goes on.

It may happen. It may not. You cannot control this or this outcome. Sad as it is and as much as we want to help, the addict is the only one who can affect this outcome. My Ex husband who was an alcoholic ended up ruining his mind with alcohol and he was suicidal and he made a few attempts on his life. He was committed to a psychiatric hospital and died there 8 months later.. from a heart attack.


As much as you want to "fix" this, you cannot. You cannot let it happen or stop it from happening. He is in control of his addiction and his drug use. You are not, no matter how much you try or how much you care or how much you love.

You did not cause it, you cannot cure it....

hello-kitty

Hi scarrednscared, when your brother first took drugs, it was a choice but now his brain has changed by the drugs. It doesn't function normally. His brain has become addicted. Your brother THINKS he has to keep taking drugs in order to function. His serotonin levels are all screwed up. He may even physically need the drugs to function normally. Or it could be more physiological. But it's still addiction. The brain is very powerful. His power of choice has been taken away. That is the disease. His brain is screwed up. That's the disease of addiction.

After first using was a choice. But once you get addicted to drugs, you don't realize that you have a choice anymore. You are on autopilot.

The sad thing is that you can't keep your brother from hitting bottom, he will eventually hit it one way or another. But you can prolong his fall by enabling him.

Congratulations by the way! Your brothers child is lucky to have such a caring uncle! You can fill in where his addict daddy falls short. That will make a big difference in the childs life - having a strong male role model that doesn't use drugs.

Spiritual Seeker

You say, "I'm not letting this go that far, his "desease" is stopping now!"
I am not sure that you are that powerful, most of us come to learn that we are powerless over another's addiction. I did get my son to go to residential treatment twice, but ea. time he got out he continued his addiction. I did an intervention this yr. and he refused to go to treatment. I have surrendered to the fact that I am powerless. When someone becomes an addict their "brain" does become "diseased" and that organ is maladaptive with progressive symptomology.

Congratulations on becomming an UNCLE.