Need Help
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Need Help
I need help. I am in so much pain and dispare that I don't know what to do. I'm imobalized by it all and I don't know who to reach out to with out them thinking I'm a burden. I can't stay on the phone with my parents all day I've already talked to them a few times and it has made me feel better. The friends I do have from mountain biking don't understand and I can't talk to them about whats going on. I've called my friend in Al-Anon but they couldn't stay on the phone all that long. Then there is not a meeting until later tonight. I've already seen my therapist yesterday. I just want this pain to go away.
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I don't know if it is anger towards my ex-abf turned inwards or what it is exactly. I just can't stop crying and I feel so alone. I'm on meds for depression which I would have regardless if my life was going along fine or not....Meaning the chemicals in my brain will always be off no matter what. I think what is bugging me the most is not having any deep meaningful friendships with anyone. I know that part of that is having a happiness within yourself but even when I think I have that the meaningful connection with other ppl is missing.
To add to all of this as you all know from my post the other day that the ex-abf and I tried to make our amends to eachother. What a disaster!! I don't think he nor I are in any place even after a year with out contact to even begin making amends to eachother. He still has way to much shame and guilt, anger and resentment and I too have way to much anger, resentment, and worlds of hurt from what happened.
So in his email yesterday he said the following -
As I mentioned last night, the idea of me being involved in a relationship was something I saw as a sign that I wasn't a total failure, and that somehow I was still OK. But when I felt that I had screwed up things with you beyond possible repair, I was too chickenshit to own up to my own behaviors and do the right thing - end our relationship. Although there were times I bolstered my courage and intent to make things better between you & me, I never was capable of truly doing that because I felt we weren't meant for each other in the end - even if I was to get better. But, on the other hand, in my extreme & absolute selfishness, I was also unwilling to completely let you go because it was so damn important to me to be "involved". It was a most unbelievably awful and horribly selfish thing of me to do - I took advantage of your love & faith with no true intentions of ever reciprocating. I gave up on us working out - that is certainly the truth. I still do believe we are not meant to be together, but I regret that I didn't have the courage and just plain decency to tell you that so long ago. I am very, very sorry for that.
So, yes, the other woman did satisfy that "instant gratification" aspect of my addictive nature. In that sense, she was a replacement for you I guess, and I suppose that the fact that she was there in Japan with me at the time made it easy. I felt that things were going to trainwreck soon with you, and I wanted to have somebody else there waiting when that happened. It wasn't really a choice in that she was better than you or something like that, it's just that she was available & willing to fill that role (unbeknownst to her, of course), so I took advantage of the situation, and I just plain took complete advantage of her.
When things did finally explode between you and me, I also knew full well that it was a simple matter of time before the same thing happened with the other woman. That was hard for me because I did come to love the other woman very much, and again, I was too chickenshit to own up to what I was doing and be accountable. I was so lost, petrified, and messed-up in my alcoholic shitstorm of lies & selfishness, I had no moral compass whatsoever any longer. I just wanted to literally drink myself to death and end the pain I felt and was causing others as soon as possible. And that quite simply was my plan in the end.
MTB, I'm truly sorry for treating you how I did, and I'm sorry I was never courageous enough to be honest & accountable to you. Clearly, you deserve so much better.
Then he put in there that based on one of my questions that I still think there is a chance for he and I. So he then said let me make this perfectly clear I still firmly belive that you and I were not meant to be togehter, so it will absolutely never happen. What the H double hockey sticks!! I don't want to be with this man no way not after him cheating with 12 other women during a 2 1/2 to 3 year period and not after the way that he treated me during the four years we were together. How F'ing full of himself.
Anyway, the point is yeah maybe he is sorry and what he said is the truth but it hurt that after I spent four years with him that he couldn't even say that he had cared at all about me as a person or that he had ever valued our friendship or anything. What he wrote has basically just made me feel like all I ever was or had ever been to him was some pawn. It really stung to read how the other woman was at first just a pawn to him but that in the end he really loved and cared for her and that it hurt him to know he was hurting her. Barf Barf Barf
To add to all of this as you all know from my post the other day that the ex-abf and I tried to make our amends to eachother. What a disaster!! I don't think he nor I are in any place even after a year with out contact to even begin making amends to eachother. He still has way to much shame and guilt, anger and resentment and I too have way to much anger, resentment, and worlds of hurt from what happened.
So in his email yesterday he said the following -
As I mentioned last night, the idea of me being involved in a relationship was something I saw as a sign that I wasn't a total failure, and that somehow I was still OK. But when I felt that I had screwed up things with you beyond possible repair, I was too chickenshit to own up to my own behaviors and do the right thing - end our relationship. Although there were times I bolstered my courage and intent to make things better between you & me, I never was capable of truly doing that because I felt we weren't meant for each other in the end - even if I was to get better. But, on the other hand, in my extreme & absolute selfishness, I was also unwilling to completely let you go because it was so damn important to me to be "involved". It was a most unbelievably awful and horribly selfish thing of me to do - I took advantage of your love & faith with no true intentions of ever reciprocating. I gave up on us working out - that is certainly the truth. I still do believe we are not meant to be together, but I regret that I didn't have the courage and just plain decency to tell you that so long ago. I am very, very sorry for that.
So, yes, the other woman did satisfy that "instant gratification" aspect of my addictive nature. In that sense, she was a replacement for you I guess, and I suppose that the fact that she was there in Japan with me at the time made it easy. I felt that things were going to trainwreck soon with you, and I wanted to have somebody else there waiting when that happened. It wasn't really a choice in that she was better than you or something like that, it's just that she was available & willing to fill that role (unbeknownst to her, of course), so I took advantage of the situation, and I just plain took complete advantage of her.
When things did finally explode between you and me, I also knew full well that it was a simple matter of time before the same thing happened with the other woman. That was hard for me because I did come to love the other woman very much, and again, I was too chickenshit to own up to what I was doing and be accountable. I was so lost, petrified, and messed-up in my alcoholic shitstorm of lies & selfishness, I had no moral compass whatsoever any longer. I just wanted to literally drink myself to death and end the pain I felt and was causing others as soon as possible. And that quite simply was my plan in the end.
MTB, I'm truly sorry for treating you how I did, and I'm sorry I was never courageous enough to be honest & accountable to you. Clearly, you deserve so much better.
Then he put in there that based on one of my questions that I still think there is a chance for he and I. So he then said let me make this perfectly clear I still firmly belive that you and I were not meant to be togehter, so it will absolutely never happen. What the H double hockey sticks!! I don't want to be with this man no way not after him cheating with 12 other women during a 2 1/2 to 3 year period and not after the way that he treated me during the four years we were together. How F'ing full of himself.
Anyway, the point is yeah maybe he is sorry and what he said is the truth but it hurt that after I spent four years with him that he couldn't even say that he had cared at all about me as a person or that he had ever valued our friendship or anything. What he wrote has basically just made me feel like all I ever was or had ever been to him was some pawn. It really stung to read how the other woman was at first just a pawn to him but that in the end he really loved and cared for her and that it hurt him to know he was hurting her. Barf Barf Barf
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Yes, Barf, barf, barf
That's not an amends - in my humble opinion - "except when to do so would injure others" comes to mind.
I'm sorry for your pain, MTB. After 18 years, I heard much the same from AH, including he "never" loved me, his heart was hard and dead against me; blah blah blah blah BLAH!!!!!!
Hard as it may be, try to understand the reality of it. It's great you are reaching out for support - keep doing it. Though it may not seem so right now, one thing going on is affecting thought processes over other things. I speak of this from experience. Better days are coming, I promise you.
((()))
That's not an amends - in my humble opinion - "except when to do so would injure others" comes to mind.
I'm sorry for your pain, MTB. After 18 years, I heard much the same from AH, including he "never" loved me, his heart was hard and dead against me; blah blah blah blah BLAH!!!!!!
Hard as it may be, try to understand the reality of it. It's great you are reaching out for support - keep doing it. Though it may not seem so right now, one thing going on is affecting thought processes over other things. I speak of this from experience. Better days are coming, I promise you.
((()))
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Well I'm not sure if it was an amends or not? Most of what he wrote was in response to my questions of why he did what he did (ie. all the other women) I suppose even if I asked questions that when he heard them or read them knew in his heart would cause me pain if he were to answer them why he just didn't say --- you know MTB I don't feel that providing answers to those specific questions will serve to help you in anyway and that the last thing I am here to do is to cause you anymore undo hurt or pain. Then from that make an amends.????
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One thing I know is pretty certain.... I honestly do not think a man/women will stay with another in a dating relaitonship for 4 years and not have some love, respect for that person.... so can we say quack quack quack....
The other thing I want to point out is yes what he wrote was hurtful but some of it could be very true... perhaps he did feel awful for not treating you the way you deserved to be treated. I once dated a man that was wonderful... but try as I might I just could not get close to him like that...there was not one darn thing wrong with him and he treated me like a princess... but though I respected him I could not love him... so I did end the relationship after about 6 months... he would send me text messages and e-mails ... calls... about how this was hurting him, why would I not give it a chance etc... it broke my heart because I really did think he was a wonderful person.... When I talked with him after that I was VERY careful to make sure I did not say anything that would give him hope... and assured him that my decision was final... why? cuz I could not live with myself if I did and it prolonged his hurt.
So..... that could be the reason it came out that way.... Im not saying it is right/wrong... but I wanted to share what I went through. Im not saying its acceptable either... just maybe what it is.
*hugs* It will get better hon... he is right in one thing... You do deserve much more.
The other thing I want to point out is yes what he wrote was hurtful but some of it could be very true... perhaps he did feel awful for not treating you the way you deserved to be treated. I once dated a man that was wonderful... but try as I might I just could not get close to him like that...there was not one darn thing wrong with him and he treated me like a princess... but though I respected him I could not love him... so I did end the relationship after about 6 months... he would send me text messages and e-mails ... calls... about how this was hurting him, why would I not give it a chance etc... it broke my heart because I really did think he was a wonderful person.... When I talked with him after that I was VERY careful to make sure I did not say anything that would give him hope... and assured him that my decision was final... why? cuz I could not live with myself if I did and it prolonged his hurt.
So..... that could be the reason it came out that way.... Im not saying it is right/wrong... but I wanted to share what I went through. Im not saying its acceptable either... just maybe what it is.
*hugs* It will get better hon... he is right in one thing... You do deserve much more.
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I wanted to add that I belive he has respect and admiration for the "other woman" (who by the way is now a good friend of mine) b/c she stuck to her guns and cut him out of her life when she learned that he had been lying to her. Me on the other hand did the typical codie thing made boundaries all the time and then when he would cross them would let it slide (ie. I'd say things like I won't tolerate you saying your going to call and then not calling, only to end up calling me three or four days later...but ofcourse I'd tolerate it and have no follow through) Must be why he has no respect for me.
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He's not ready to make an amends. In my opinion. Working the steps has helped me see that I need to take what "is" and apply that to my life. I understand that what he did was painful. When AH did it to me I was a wreck. What I did (doesn't work/apply for everyone): Went to 90 meetings in 90 days; listened and then listened some more. Took my therapist's nicely worded "suggestion" to have no contact. In other words, I became humble, ready to learn. My way WAS NOT WORKING and I was absolutely ready to let it go.
This is where I see the similarities most strongly with the alcoholic. As long as I stayed in the hurt I believed was being caused by HIM, I did not need to address what I was doing to myself.
For myself, I don't see how going to look for an amends from someone would help me. I can understand believing it could, but that would be me getting in my own way. Forcing and controlling the situation.
Be kind to yourself.
This is where I see the similarities most strongly with the alcoholic. As long as I stayed in the hurt I believed was being caused by HIM, I did not need to address what I was doing to myself.
For myself, I don't see how going to look for an amends from someone would help me. I can understand believing it could, but that would be me getting in my own way. Forcing and controlling the situation.
Be kind to yourself.
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Ohhhh one thing I wanted to add....
One thing that always helps me when I was feeling like you are now.... I would reach out and do service work... and not my usual work but the harder stuff... Like Meals on Wheels or even Friend to the elderly.... visiting nursing homes etc...
Nothing brings me out of depression quicker then helping others and reaching out.
One thing that always helps me when I was feeling like you are now.... I would reach out and do service work... and not my usual work but the harder stuff... Like Meals on Wheels or even Friend to the elderly.... visiting nursing homes etc...
Nothing brings me out of depression quicker then helping others and reaching out.
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Originally Posted by Cynay 
I once dated a man that was wonderful... but try as I might I just could not get close to him like that...there was not one darn thing wrong with him and he treated me like a princess... but though I respected him I could not love him... so I did end the relationship after about 6 months... he would send me text messages and e-mails ... calls... about how this was hurting him, why would I not give it a chance etc... it broke my heart because I really did think he was a wonderful person.... When I talked with him after that I was VERY careful to make sure I did not say anything that would give him hope... and assured him that my decision was final... why? cuz I could not live with myself if I did and it prolonged his hurt.
So..... that could be the reason it came out that way.... Im not saying it is right/wrong... but I wanted to share what I went through. Im not saying its acceptable either... just maybe what it is.
So..... that could be the reason it came out that way.... Im not saying it is right/wrong... but I wanted to share what I went through. Im not saying its acceptable either... just maybe what it is.
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So if he lies about that, why not believe the stuff he says to make you feel like crap about yourself is all a lie? That's the question I asked myself and the answer I'm discovering is because I came to believe I was crap. I don't believe that anymore.
So, AH set a precedent that he could manipulate me. Guess what? There isn't a thing he could say to me today that would make me feel bad about myself - I think I'm terrific.
So, AH set a precedent that he could manipulate me. Guess what? There isn't a thing he could say to me today that would make me feel bad about myself - I think I'm terrific.
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Originally Posted by denny57
He's not ready to make an amends. In my opinion. Working the steps has helped me see that I need to take what "is" and apply that to my life. I understand that what he did was painful. When AH did it to me I was a wreck. What I did (doesn't work/apply for everyone): Went to 90 meetings in 90 days; listened and then listened some more. Took my therapist's nicely worded "suggestion" to have no contact. In other words, I became humble, ready to learn. My way WAS NOT WORKING and I was absolutely ready to let it go.
This is where I see the similarities most strongly with the alcoholic. As long as I stayed in the hurt I believed was being caused by HIM, I did not need to address what I was doing to myself.
For myself, I don't see how going to look for an amends from someone would help me. I can understand believing it could, but that would be me getting in my own way. Forcing and controlling the situation.
Be kind to yourself.
This is where I see the similarities most strongly with the alcoholic. As long as I stayed in the hurt I believed was being caused by HIM, I did not need to address what I was doing to myself.
For myself, I don't see how going to look for an amends from someone would help me. I can understand believing it could, but that would be me getting in my own way. Forcing and controlling the situation.
Be kind to yourself.
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Yes I should take all of that stuff and belive that it is all lies too. And you are correct that it is because I came to belive I was crap during the course of the five 1/2 years I have known him. Its the undoing that and getting to where you are and beliving that I am not crap.
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