At the end of my rope....

Old 05-17-2003, 05:01 PM
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At the end of my rope....

I'm new to this board, but not new to dealing with an A..the A in my life is my husband. We've been married almost 7 years and we've been dealing with this the last 4 years on and off...before that, he never admitted he needed help. He's gone into rehab 2 times, on his own and tried outpaitent 2 other times on his own. Each time, he quits and then holds himself together for a while and then falls apart. Right now, he's out somewhere, drunker then a skunk...while I am at home with our son (who is almost 4) and doing what we normally do. I've learned a lot about myself and how I can or can not make things worse or better..all depending on my reaction. The more I say, the worse things get..the less I say or do, the better they get and faster...

I am beginning to feel that I am at the end of my rope this time around. We had a b-day party at a local state park for HIS brother today and our son was super excited to go and play baseball with daddy...well, it's time to leave and my husband announces that he's not going. Our son is completely upset and says "Daddy..you HAVE to go..who's going to teach me to hit a baseball, my teeball starts soon." OH MAN! That totally and completely ripped my heart into a million pieces! So, after son was in the carseat, I went back into the house and calmly said "We'll wait if you want to go." He says no and I told him "You let him down..you know that all hes talked about is playing baseball with you at a baseball field" He says "Don't give me a guilt trip" and I said "This isn't about guilt trips, it's about fact..he's this age once in his life. YOU are his hero and he wants to play with YOU! It's not my job to teach him everything...he doesn't want me to teach him, he wants YOU" and I left. I am sure that some will think I should have kept my mouth shut..but I believe that by doing that and not calling to his attention that he's let our son down, it's helping to enable him. I did not mention my feelings about him not going, or drinking or even that this was for HIS brother...for me, that's damn good So we go and of course, it wasn't much fun for me, but I put on a smile and faked it for my son...my brother in laws were too busy drinking (yup, runs in his family, but I was surprised that they were drinking today for various reasons) and we stayed a couple of hours and left. I took him to watch some cousins play soccer and then we came home. We literally drove in the driveway and my husband is walking out of the house...I asked him where he was going and he says "Out" and leaves....I discover that not only has he drank beer..but an entire bottle of Jack...to be honest, I am actually relieved that he's not here because he turns into a different person when he has Jack Daniels in his system...mean and verbally abusive! So, I get a call and where did he go? To the party for his brother and his mom ( who does enable BIG time) says to me "Don't worry...I'm not letting him drive tonight, he can stay at my house tonight" Hm....okay, so, now the dilemma is my reaction tomorrow...I have plans and do not intend on changing them. I guess I'll treat him normal, but man will it be hard not to scream at him...should I confront him about letting our son down? He's at an age now where he is verbally making comments about how daddy is crabby or daddy doesnt play with him to me and I think my husband should know the truth..any ideas on how to approach him are appreciated! I know I can not control him or cure him and I sure as hell know I didn't cause this awful disease to overtake my wonderful husband...but I surly want the beast gone from my house and my peace and quiet back. I am done with the drama and honestly, am a bit afraid of telling him to get out...not for physical reasons, more for I suppose fear of him not wanting to work things out...I have a lot of thinking to do before I make any harsh decisions I know, and for me, it helps to get it out in writing!

Okay, gotta run...I'll introduce myself a little better at a later date, right now, I am just trying to get my head on straight and to keep my focus on the person that needs my attention the most..my son!

Thanks for letting me share!
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Old 05-17-2003, 05:16 PM
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I know exactly how you're feeling. My "A" hasn't EVER attempted any form of rehab, although he is "painfully aware" of his problem. God I'm so sick of hearing that line! You know? I wish I had some answers for ya, today was my first time posting too.
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Old 05-17-2003, 06:58 PM
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Hello spedteach!

Welcome to the forums! There's nothing wrong with telling him how you feel. My take, however, is that you've done that now. I know you want to shake-n-bake him. Reading your story made me want to preheat the oven for you. I'm glad you shared your story with us. It's probably a better way to get it off your chest than repeating your dissatisfactions to him. We DO want to hear it.

Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 05-17-2003, 07:39 PM
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WOW what a post. Just 5 minutes ago my son (10) comes to me crying saying that Dad (step-dad) promised to play Scrabble with me tonight and he won't. Well, he's snoring on the couch. I truly understand the letting down part. It breaks my heart and makes me want to take his head off. Children are innocent. They don't understand. My husband now is Bi-Polar and used to drink quite excessively and what a jerk he can be. I have learned to surround my children with MY love. I have also learned that you can't make someone be what you want them to be or make them do what you want them to do. It has to come from within their soul. You can tell him now until you are blue in the face that he is making a mistake but until the truly see it all you are is a nag to him. I have started taking the role of MOM and DAD. Me, out playing basketball with my son? Good gracious!That was the furthest thing from my mind but if it brings a smile to his face it was worth every backache and muscle pain. I stopped trying to FIX everything and started living again. If he wants to be a part of it great but if not then I'm still moving forward. I got too exhausted with arguing over why he doesn't follow through with promises. Arguing took so much out of me that now I'd rather have tea parties with my girls (i have 3) and play basketball and dig up worms with my son. I don't react anymore. Instead of me bringing it to his attention he needs to wake up and smell the coffee himself.So.....guess what I'm fixing to do? Play Scrabble with my son.
I hope I didn't sound like I was talking in circles and I hope it makes a little sense to ya.

Take care and BIG (((((Hugs)))))

2many2count
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Old 05-18-2003, 03:52 AM
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Thanks for the replys..it is early Sunday morning (6:30ish ET) and I did sleep well last night..my husband however, did not come home so I am assuming he stayed at mommys house last night. I know that I should be glad that he didn't get in a car and drive, but I think the whole situation is pathetic...why does a 32 year old man need to stay at his mom's house when he has a house of his own, a wife and a child at home waiting for him?? Oh well, that's something he has to deal with...

I did do some thinking last night and I know for now, I am going to go on living and I am going to spend as much time with my son doing what he likes to do and make sure he knows how much I love him..he's just so innocent and that's what's hard to take. Someone said to me that my husband will be the one that realizes what he's missing out on and that he's only hurting himself...well, while I do agree with that, he's also hurting our son...and I know how that can mess kids up...I teach and have seen enough kids that deal with issues because mom or dad are around, but they put various things before their kids...work, boyfriends or girlfriends, friends, drugs, alcohol, you name it. I don't want that for my son but since my husband is the only one that can control his behavior, I have vowed that I'll be everything I can for my son and make sure he doesn't miss out on ANYTHING!

As for me, well, I am pretty calm and rational and really, while I am angry..I don't want to rip his head off anymore..I am at the point that I know he'll beat himself up more then anything I can say or do...and I am not going there as I am NOT going to become his excuse for drinking...I heard that I was a nag for long enough...I have my boundaries set..in my head at least..if he hurts himself or anyone else (driving when drunk, because he IS superman you know), gets arrested or loses his job..he's done....I can not and will not go through that AGAIN with him. I know I need to be tough and firm, which I will, but I am not going to threaten him, it'll just be fact if anything is to happen.

Again, thanks for the responses!
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Old 05-18-2003, 09:37 AM
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Hi Spedteach,
I am always amazed at how our lives here seem so similar. My husband is an A and an addict, and he has been admitted and working on recovery for about 1 1/2 years. He has been in a treatment centre once, and back and forth to meetings and counsellors etc.
In the end of March I finally began to grow weary and find acceptance in my situation... After 3 days of drinking and drugging and spending $5000 out of our business, getting our truck impounded, my husband was out of control. I had to made some boundaries for my own sanity and peace of mind. I kicked him out, with the words "I can no longer live with an active Alcoholic... When / If you are ready to seek recovery, we can talk about it".
My hubby hit a bottom that weekend, and has had a bumpy road ever since. He is NOT using right now, and we are living together again.
I wanted to share this, to make you feel more "at home"... WE are all so good for each other on these boards, because we have all "been there" in one way or another. My A has dissapointed the kids MANY times... Hockey games, soccer practices, movie nights... dissapearing for 3 days. The only way I can get thru it, WITHOUT using the GUILT on him, is to be there 100% for my kids. I am their MOM, not their DAD... but I can do so many things with them. We have a special relationship with each other too. When I get down about this, It helps me to imagine my boys as adults.... Seeing how kind, gracious, fun and loving they are BECAUSE of how I raised them. There are TWO parents for our children... I am going to be the best mom I can . As sad as it makes US feel that our A's aren't always there for their children, it is sadder for THEM. They are sick.
I am so glad to have heard a little about you... and welcome!
Meg
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Old 05-18-2003, 10:27 AM
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If you focus on your kids and give them lots of love an attention they will be fine. I was married to an A and had two kids. He was very abusive and drank a lot everyday. I divorced him when my kids were 1 and 2 years old. That was 20 years ago.

My ex has never admitted to being and A and still drinks daily. My son is in treatment now for Alcohol. Part of his treatment was writing a letter to his dad. He will not send the letter, it was just to get things out. Anyway, he read me the letter and it broke my heart. It doesn't matter how old they are they do take it all in. The good part was that he told me that he had always had everything he needed in life. Even though I didn't have much money at all for years I was there for him and his sister and gave them lot's of love.

Marrying and A was stupid and having kids with him was worse. But my kids appreciate that I got them out of that situation and gave them lot's of love. It doesn't totally make up for all of the pain they suffered but I did the best I could at the time and years later it is nice to know that they realize that.

Best of Luck, DMOM
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