its me again - looking for some help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 13
its me again - looking for some help
hi everyone - ok, this is what i don't get today - seems as if everyday brings new "confusion" to my mind - i am a fairly intelligent 42 year old woman - obviously i have some issues to explore as to why i do certain things - but overall i have always been a pretty positive person - with a decent amount of self confidence - so how can i possibly have no self respect anymore? Not only did i break my newfound "rule" and call him, i also emailed him - both of which he ignored - here's the kicker - i actually got in my car and drove to where he works to meet him afterwards. i had this uncontrollable urge to just see him and make sure he was ok. Of course he's not ok, neither am I. But WHY the hell would i do that? I don't want to be that pathetic sniveling third party ANYMORE - I SWEAR ON MY CHILDREN I WANT THIS TO END - but its as if i just can't make it stop. I did see him just as he was driving away - he rolled his window down and told me he had to go - he was "in the worse mood ever and he couldn't talk with me." I'm no expert but he looked pretty bad - very jumpy - maybe he's started again, i don't know for sure - maybe he just is sick of my pathetic, sniveling third party self. I seem to go back and forth from feeling anxious and scared, which then leads to sadness and more anxiety to the exact opposite like tonight when all i feel is heat and anger - at both him and myself - mostly at myself for not having the guts to end this thing, once and for all. This is the man who has hurt me over and over again, lied to me, taken money from me, of course this is standard behavior for an A i'm learning - i want to get off this ride and get my life back in the worse way. thanks for letting me vent - it does help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 15
I think everyone has done what you have ,ride past.I know I have,just to see how he looks,to see if he is ok. I have made a promise to myself that I will not ride past anymore.Don't put yourself down, You are only human.Good luck
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
*hugs*
I know how you feel. I have the same problem with my parents. I try to distance myself so that I can heal (they only bring me down b/c they enable my sister), but for some reason, I can't stay away. Addiction is a family disease, and I am slowly learning that I am addicted to my addict.
And don't let your feelings lead your to doubt your intelligence. As someone else on here posted in another thread, doctors, lawyers, and any other walk of life that is thought of as being the cream of the crop can be found on the streets because of an addiction. It's not a matter of knowing better; though that's part of it. No, moreso I think it's a matter of heaing and becoming stronger. And we're all working on that.
I think the world of you just for posting tonight. Please don't be too hard on yourself.
I know how you feel. I have the same problem with my parents. I try to distance myself so that I can heal (they only bring me down b/c they enable my sister), but for some reason, I can't stay away. Addiction is a family disease, and I am slowly learning that I am addicted to my addict.
And don't let your feelings lead your to doubt your intelligence. As someone else on here posted in another thread, doctors, lawyers, and any other walk of life that is thought of as being the cream of the crop can be found on the streets because of an addiction. It's not a matter of knowing better; though that's part of it. No, moreso I think it's a matter of heaing and becoming stronger. And we're all working on that.
I think the world of you just for posting tonight. Please don't be too hard on yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 13
thanks splendra- i'm trying to stay real - its not easy but after reading so many of these posts i realize that although i'm in pain its NOTHING compared to what so many of you have gone through - hey, tomorrow is another day, right? I'll start on day one all over again and see how far i get this time around.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Peas,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you've found us.
I've found that going to Al Anon meetings really helped me detach from my AD. I was so "up in her business" that I lost my own life. She was addicted to a drug and I was addicted to her and it was stealing my own life, just as the drug was stealing hers.
Thanks goodness for meetings. I found folks there who were going through the same thing I was going through. But better than that, I found folks who were working on themselves, making their lives better. I saw something in them that I wanted, so I stuck around and kept attending meetings. Today...I don't do that investigative work anymore. I am able to detach and live my life, getting the focus back on me.
Maybe finding some meetings would help you. I hope you'll check them out.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you've found us.
I've found that going to Al Anon meetings really helped me detach from my AD. I was so "up in her business" that I lost my own life. She was addicted to a drug and I was addicted to her and it was stealing my own life, just as the drug was stealing hers.
Thanks goodness for meetings. I found folks there who were going through the same thing I was going through. But better than that, I found folks who were working on themselves, making their lives better. I saw something in them that I wanted, so I stuck around and kept attending meetings. Today...I don't do that investigative work anymore. I am able to detach and live my life, getting the focus back on me.
Maybe finding some meetings would help you. I hope you'll check them out.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Peapods here's a big ((HUG))
"checking up" on him is classic co-dependent behaviour. It is like being addicted to the addict. Or the drama, or whatever.
Take one day at a time and just BREATHE every time your thought start getting away from you.
"checking up" on him is classic co-dependent behaviour. It is like being addicted to the addict. Or the drama, or whatever.
Take one day at a time and just BREATHE every time your thought start getting away from you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Oh well, next time you get the urge just remember this time and ....that's probably exactly what you would see next time...so you don't need to go there as you've all ready seen it.
Maybe sometimes we need to give ourselves a reality check.
You'll get past it and be just fine!
Maybe sometimes we need to give ourselves a reality check.
You'll get past it and be just fine!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Peapods)))
Because you cannot talk to your partner about this, can you get to a counselor? Someone with whom you can be totally honest?
I think having someone you can call when you are feeling vulnerable is important.
((hugs))
Because you cannot talk to your partner about this, can you get to a counselor? Someone with whom you can be totally honest?
I think having someone you can call when you are feeling vulnerable is important.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Ah- I am learning that this is what addiction does to all that remain in its path.
Sometimes I would feel possessed and it would scare the daylights out of me because I did not know who I was. I think that it has been said many times before - but just like the addict says they will not use again, we, too, make our promises that we will not take this anymore...
I cannot tell you how much I have/do exist in that vicious cycle- we feel powerless, controlled by another, they continue to hurt us, we remain powerless and feel victimized- yet at the same time we realize that we DO have a choice, so instead we beat ourselves up for not moving- we sink ourselves further because we not only feel crappy because of the addicts behavior, but now we are ashamed and angry at ourselves for putting up with it and so the cycle goes on.
In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie speaks about this cycle of anger. I cannot recall the exact spots of this cycle, but I do know that it is very prevelent to how the addict makes us feel. Our inital reaction is to rescue them, do for them, help them etc. and once this is done we become angry at them first, then ourselves for being duped yet again. We feel they have taken another little piece of us in the process. Then we become depressed because we feel we contributed to this and in a sense we must take most of the blame.
If you haven't already I would urge you to read this book. It illuminated so many things about myself. My mind tends to be magnetic to negativity so I lose these moments of reason quite often and need to go back and reread parts, but all in all it has really aided me in a. not feeling as crazy as I feel because I am NOT the only one that feels this way and b. that my reactions can be controlled and that I am only in control of myself. Not an easy thing to accept by any means, but a start.
But we do and it hurts. I know exactly how you feel.
I want to say the same thing others have told me and that initally frustrated me... what I hear from your post is your life, your moods, your feelings, your mental health, your sanity at any given time is in direct proportion to his behavior- whether or not he is using or being good to you, etc.
It is unfair that we must be puppets on strings for our addicts.
Sometimes I would feel possessed and it would scare the daylights out of me because I did not know who I was. I think that it has been said many times before - but just like the addict says they will not use again, we, too, make our promises that we will not take this anymore...
I cannot tell you how much I have/do exist in that vicious cycle- we feel powerless, controlled by another, they continue to hurt us, we remain powerless and feel victimized- yet at the same time we realize that we DO have a choice, so instead we beat ourselves up for not moving- we sink ourselves further because we not only feel crappy because of the addicts behavior, but now we are ashamed and angry at ourselves for putting up with it and so the cycle goes on.
In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie speaks about this cycle of anger. I cannot recall the exact spots of this cycle, but I do know that it is very prevelent to how the addict makes us feel. Our inital reaction is to rescue them, do for them, help them etc. and once this is done we become angry at them first, then ourselves for being duped yet again. We feel they have taken another little piece of us in the process. Then we become depressed because we feel we contributed to this and in a sense we must take most of the blame.
If you haven't already I would urge you to read this book. It illuminated so many things about myself. My mind tends to be magnetic to negativity so I lose these moments of reason quite often and need to go back and reread parts, but all in all it has really aided me in a. not feeling as crazy as I feel because I am NOT the only one that feels this way and b. that my reactions can be controlled and that I am only in control of myself. Not an easy thing to accept by any means, but a start.
But we do and it hurts. I know exactly how you feel.
I want to say the same thing others have told me and that initally frustrated me... what I hear from your post is your life, your moods, your feelings, your mental health, your sanity at any given time is in direct proportion to his behavior- whether or not he is using or being good to you, etc.
It is unfair that we must be puppets on strings for our addicts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 13
Yes, I Did It
today was a HUGE day for me - he actually emailed ME and guess what, I was the one who didn't respond!! That was monumental - for me. I started to reply at least a dozen times but i kept erasing it out - it took me until around 5 pm today to actually delete his message - classic lisa, i must have read it at least 30 times but i did manage not to speak with him today - so i'm patting myself on the back for this moment anyways. Someone (BigSis ?) commented on since i can't open up to my h maybe i should seek a counselor so i can be totally honest with someone - well i am going to make some phone calls tomorrow and hopefully get that in the works - i really want to get well - and hey i'm here again so thats a good sign too,,,,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
peapods,
Great job not answering the email. This recovery process is made up of a whole lot of baby steps. Hold on to this small victory and keep piecing them together and one day you'll look up and be surprised at how far you've come. It just seems to work that way. Recovery is most definitely a 'process'.
I came to this board with a similar post about a year and a half ago. I just couldn't believe how I had lost my self confidence. I had always considered myself a very competent and capable woman but after leaving my exah, I looked back at everything I had tolerated in our relationship and felt a complete lack of self-respect. A very wise person named Gabe (who isn't here much anymore, sadly) told me that if my self-esteem and self-confidence were an issue that I should try to make one decision every day that would help me regain these things. Just ONE decision a day. Her comment made a mountain into a mole hill for me. This approach seemed 'doable' and I tried to put it into practice as best I could. This approach really helped me climb out of the pit of self-loathing back into the light. It really is just about making one decision at a time...Its about doing the next best thing for OURSELF despite what the addict is or isn't doing at the moment.
Keep going...you're doing great. I know it isn't easy but you've got lots of support here from people who really 'get it'.
Great job not answering the email. This recovery process is made up of a whole lot of baby steps. Hold on to this small victory and keep piecing them together and one day you'll look up and be surprised at how far you've come. It just seems to work that way. Recovery is most definitely a 'process'.
I came to this board with a similar post about a year and a half ago. I just couldn't believe how I had lost my self confidence. I had always considered myself a very competent and capable woman but after leaving my exah, I looked back at everything I had tolerated in our relationship and felt a complete lack of self-respect. A very wise person named Gabe (who isn't here much anymore, sadly) told me that if my self-esteem and self-confidence were an issue that I should try to make one decision every day that would help me regain these things. Just ONE decision a day. Her comment made a mountain into a mole hill for me. This approach seemed 'doable' and I tried to put it into practice as best I could. This approach really helped me climb out of the pit of self-loathing back into the light. It really is just about making one decision at a time...Its about doing the next best thing for OURSELF despite what the addict is or isn't doing at the moment.
Keep going...you're doing great. I know it isn't easy but you've got lots of support here from people who really 'get it'.
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