Expectations revisited.....
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Expectations revisited.....
Since I started on this journey nearly two years ago, the concept of having no expectations or letting go of expectations has always confounded me. How can you have relationships with other people and not have expectations? The way I came to grips with the concept was to decide that my expectations were my responsibility. I had to own them, and if they were not met, it was not someone else’s fault. It was on me for having expectations in the first place.
Dealing with expectations in that way sufficed for a time, but now I find myself revisiting the idea in my mind and decided it might help to type something about new ways I find myself thinking about this subject.
I am starting to think it has more to do with “living in today.” That having expectations for the present is okay, as long as I own them, but projecting them into the future is what causes problems. Example: I am currently dating someone and we have a wonderful time together and seem to communicate very well. If I continue to enjoy his company, here and now, and don’t get all caught up in what may happen in the future, the future will take care of itself, right? Whether it turns into a long term relationship or not is something I really have no control over, and letting those thoughts into my head would only distract from the joy and pleasure of today. And, no matter what happens, or doesn’t happen, this is a good experience. Nothing can change that, unless I let it. I also find applying the CBT concept of changing “demands” into “preferences” dovetails nicely with this new thought process.
So, I wonder if I am finally getting it, re: expectations. Any thoughts? How do all of you deal with this aspect of recovery?
L
Dealing with expectations in that way sufficed for a time, but now I find myself revisiting the idea in my mind and decided it might help to type something about new ways I find myself thinking about this subject.
I am starting to think it has more to do with “living in today.” That having expectations for the present is okay, as long as I own them, but projecting them into the future is what causes problems. Example: I am currently dating someone and we have a wonderful time together and seem to communicate very well. If I continue to enjoy his company, here and now, and don’t get all caught up in what may happen in the future, the future will take care of itself, right? Whether it turns into a long term relationship or not is something I really have no control over, and letting those thoughts into my head would only distract from the joy and pleasure of today. And, no matter what happens, or doesn’t happen, this is a good experience. Nothing can change that, unless I let it. I also find applying the CBT concept of changing “demands” into “preferences” dovetails nicely with this new thought process.
So, I wonder if I am finally getting it, re: expectations. Any thoughts? How do all of you deal with this aspect of recovery?
L
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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That's exactly how it works for me. Living in today was something I always tried to live by, but it got blown out of the water living with alcoholism. I absolutely lived in the future then.
I think a big thing for me is that I don't stress on my future (again living in the now). I tend to it (financially, etc.) but I'm not one to freak out about whether I will spend it single, married, etc. I just want to enjoy life, and today I am. That, to me, is keeping it simple.
Sounds nice, LTD!
I think a big thing for me is that I don't stress on my future (again living in the now). I tend to it (financially, etc.) but I'm not one to freak out about whether I will spend it single, married, etc. I just want to enjoy life, and today I am. That, to me, is keeping it simple.
Sounds nice, LTD!
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Originally Posted by denny57 
I think a big thing for me is that I don't stress on my future (again living in the now). I tend to it (financially, etc.) but I'm not one to freak out about whether I will spend it single, married, etc. I just want to enjoy life, and today I am. That, to me, is keeping it simple.
L
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Good question....
I do as well with no expectations as I do with letting go and letting God...
Not great, but I have been and continue to be given alot of opportunity to practice. No matter how I try I still have expectations it seems. Im really looking for ways to defuse this as it causes me nothing but unhappiness and disapointment but I just have not managed to really shake it. I can detach from the feelings, but that is only detaching.... I want to find a way to get to the place that I dont have negative feelings in the first place.
I do as well with no expectations as I do with letting go and letting God...
Not great, but I have been and continue to be given alot of opportunity to practice. No matter how I try I still have expectations it seems. Im really looking for ways to defuse this as it causes me nothing but unhappiness and disapointment but I just have not managed to really shake it. I can detach from the feelings, but that is only detaching.... I want to find a way to get to the place that I dont have negative feelings in the first place.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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I have to say that I am horrible at living for today and having no expectations. I am the queen of planning, I plan plan plan. It's part of my job and goes against my very core.
Maybe I have control issues (ya think? LOL)
Maybe I have control issues (ya think? LOL)
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
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My job requires much planning, too, but I'm going to go back with a different attitude. I'm going to be more flexible and enjoy my students' progress, too. I will also keep the focus on my own behaviors and let go of getting upset if others aren't performing how I think they should. I have no control over that and can't take it personally. I'm confident in myself and what I do. That's my focus.
This summer, I didn't have much planned, so this is a great time for me to enjoy "one day at a time." I'm so grateful I'm by myself now to appreciate this and learn how to just go with the flow. I'm open to new opportunities, especially in meeting new people and putting all of this into practice. I can't expect anything from anyone else. The best part of my progress has been learning to accept what is and not what I want things to be.
This summer, I didn't have much planned, so this is a great time for me to enjoy "one day at a time." I'm so grateful I'm by myself now to appreciate this and learn how to just go with the flow. I'm open to new opportunities, especially in meeting new people and putting all of this into practice. I can't expect anything from anyone else. The best part of my progress has been learning to accept what is and not what I want things to be.
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Great topic and one that applies more and more frequently in my life. And not one that is confined to drinkers or those who have been involved with them - every day, I find that there is not much that is exclusive to our little club, tbh.
Sometimes in recovery, I get a bit muddled in the semantics surrounding expectations. I too used to think that I couldn't have relationships without expectations. Then, I kind of got around that by using the word "realistic" before expectation. Now, I can see that I have a set of values around the roles that people play in my life, and bizarrely you should mention it, preferences. But they are not then transposed onto individuals, expect for deciding what role they play in my life. And my values are not the same as someone elses.
For example, perhaps I would prefer that my friends call me at least every week, or meet me for dinner once a month or that we take a holiday every now and again. Then again, perhaps I define friends as those who are there when the chips are down or who remember my birthday. (These are not real life egs, just an illustration).
My biggest downfall came when I had expectations that an individual would fit into a particular role and then try to change them to make them fit. I accept people for who they are, now. If someone does something that upsets me or annoys me, for example, I can state how it makes me feel and leave them to do what they like with that information. And really, it is no skin off my nose if they choose to continue the behaviour. They have every right. As have I to change how they fit into my life.
As for living in today, I have found that I need to have some balance with that. The "Just For Today" card from Al-anon was immensely useful for me, especially the "I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime". In fact, I have shared that with my fellow crew on long sailing passages! However, I have an uncanny knack of proscrastination that needs a bit of longer-term thinking to be kept in check. I have to be selective when deciding to stay in the day and maintaining that balance requires constant vigilence.
Thanks, LTD.
Sometimes in recovery, I get a bit muddled in the semantics surrounding expectations. I too used to think that I couldn't have relationships without expectations. Then, I kind of got around that by using the word "realistic" before expectation. Now, I can see that I have a set of values around the roles that people play in my life, and bizarrely you should mention it, preferences. But they are not then transposed onto individuals, expect for deciding what role they play in my life. And my values are not the same as someone elses.
For example, perhaps I would prefer that my friends call me at least every week, or meet me for dinner once a month or that we take a holiday every now and again. Then again, perhaps I define friends as those who are there when the chips are down or who remember my birthday. (These are not real life egs, just an illustration).
My biggest downfall came when I had expectations that an individual would fit into a particular role and then try to change them to make them fit. I accept people for who they are, now. If someone does something that upsets me or annoys me, for example, I can state how it makes me feel and leave them to do what they like with that information. And really, it is no skin off my nose if they choose to continue the behaviour. They have every right. As have I to change how they fit into my life.
As for living in today, I have found that I need to have some balance with that. The "Just For Today" card from Al-anon was immensely useful for me, especially the "I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime". In fact, I have shared that with my fellow crew on long sailing passages! However, I have an uncanny knack of proscrastination that needs a bit of longer-term thinking to be kept in check. I have to be selective when deciding to stay in the day and maintaining that balance requires constant vigilence.
Thanks, LTD.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Sometimes I think the word "expectations" gets a bad rap. My f2f group has had many topic meetings on expectations and I have learned some really great things.
Like some expectations are not all bad. Like when I am in a relationship with someone, I expect them to treat me with dignity & respect. When I pay someone for a certain job, I expect them to do the job correctly and efficiently.
Of course, we know these things don't always happen the way I expect them too, but if my expectations aren't met - then maybe I need to look at the situation and see what I can change about it. In these cases, I guess expectations could be replaced with boundaries. Same thing only different??
My world and I don't have to fall apart if my expectations aren't met, but it can be a good warning signal for me. If my healthy, realistic expectations aren't being met, then how is the relationship (business, friend, or love) benefitting me and my life?
Sometimes, I think expectations can be good ways to judge we are on a healthy path and taking care of ourselves.
Just a different way to look at the word "expectations",
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Like some expectations are not all bad. Like when I am in a relationship with someone, I expect them to treat me with dignity & respect. When I pay someone for a certain job, I expect them to do the job correctly and efficiently.
Of course, we know these things don't always happen the way I expect them too, but if my expectations aren't met - then maybe I need to look at the situation and see what I can change about it. In these cases, I guess expectations could be replaced with boundaries. Same thing only different??
My world and I don't have to fall apart if my expectations aren't met, but it can be a good warning signal for me. If my healthy, realistic expectations aren't being met, then how is the relationship (business, friend, or love) benefitting me and my life?
Sometimes, I think expectations can be good ways to judge we are on a healthy path and taking care of ourselves.
Just a different way to look at the word "expectations",
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
My world and I don't have to fall apart if my expectations aren't met, but it can be a good warning signal for me. If my healthy, realistic expectations aren't being met, then how is the relationship (business, friend, or love) benefitting me and my life?
Sometimes, I think expectations can be good ways to judge we are on a healthy path and taking care of ourselves.
Just a different way to look at the word "expectations",
Sometimes, I think expectations can be good ways to judge we are on a healthy path and taking care of ourselves.
Just a different way to look at the word "expectations",
I cant say that I dont have expectations ... I expect my daughter to treat me with respect and if she is doing something that I dont appreciate (leaving dishes in the living room) and I talk with her about it and nothing changes... then it would be time to look at my boundries and make a change so that my needs are also being met....well something like that anyway.
Im going to have to think about that.... If my expectations are not unreasonable for the situation/relationship and they are not being met then there is a pretty good chance Im not taking very good care of myself and I should be paying attention to that. Another thought.... maybe acceptance needs to come into play... perhaps that person/situation just can not meet my expectations (needs) and I need to redefine and decide if I can accept the person/situation as it is.... or if it is not enough to meet my needs...
Interesting subject and I have no answers for it.
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