my daughter crying that she wants her daddy

Old 06-25-2007, 09:05 PM
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my daughter crying that she wants her daddy

it breaks my heart....she cant see him now because he didnt sign the agreement and the amended RO only permitted for visitation for the week of june 13th.
we went back to court on the 20th and since the agreement wasnt signed and the amended RO only listed visitation for dates in the prior week, there is no visitation.
does anyone know if my ah or I can change that?
i dont think my lawyer wants it changed because it puts more pressure on him to sign the agreement..as soon as he does, he can see the kids. But for some reason he supposedly is going to have his own agreement drawn up....i know that it is basically his fault about not seeing the kids because he has to have the control and do the agreement HIS way....but he didnt realize that this would cause him not to see the kids this week....i just feel bad for my kids because they just want to see their dad.
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:31 PM
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quite frankly and not to offend you.....but right now that doesnt seem best for them

yes they may cry and they may be upset.....but how upset do you think they will be if he says or does hurtful things infront of them?
And he just doesnt seem to care how he hurts them right now he only cares about hurting you.or so it seems from your posts

my opinion is that you try to explain the best you can that right now this is how it has to be and you comfort them......but dont push for them to see him when he isnt acting stable!
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:36 PM
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and ........hey..........please understand that all of us here are still learning and we make questionable choices too....but one thing I have been trying to do lately before any decision or when I question my feelings or reactions ...........

is that I really take a good hard look at ME and try to see what my motive is for wanting something.............and there have been times when I said it was for the kids but when I really looked at it........it came down to me and my AH........I wanted him to seee the kids or I wanted him to be a part of something.......so he would have motivation to change so he could SEE what he was doing..........

please think about this..........yes we hurt for our children when they have pain.......but do we protect them from the source of the pain or do we keep exposing them to it over and over in a quest to meet OUR OWN NEEDS?

all said with open honest love and support!
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:36 PM
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i agree with you--it is just so hard to see them hurting...i did try to comfort her as best as i could.
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:39 PM
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i giess the real reason i want them to see him is that THEY want to see him and they should be able to see their dad, but again, it isnt in their best interests if he is going to share adult problems with them and tell them things like--"i loved you for 12 years and then mommy took you away from me"
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:39 PM
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ya know.........this man knows you very well he knows that by hurting the kids he can get to you
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:40 PM
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he isnt thinking of them hes thinking of himself and hurting you most addicts are stuck in adolesents ( spelling not my best )
and they want what they want when thay want it no matter the cost!!
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:41 PM
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do you honestly think they WANT to see what he will more than likely show them?
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:42 PM
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they want the same thing YOU WANT and thats the man you all love........but it doesnt sound like thats what they will get from him right now.........
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:49 PM
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well, like i have said on other posts ..he is a very functioning addict and it was very difficult for me to tell when he was using....but his thinking is all off now...and whether that is the drugs, mental illness or a combo of both who knows and i guess that doesnt matter..what im most afraid of is the things he is telling them, more than how he is acting..because he can act pretty normal, but it is what comes out of his mouth that may be harmful to them. he also may have stopped using for now because he may be afraid that he may be drug tested...but i just dont know for sure.
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:56 PM
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I have two main thoughts...........if you still are interested.....

1. He is playing games with your childrens feelings....clean or using thats not acceptable and my thought is this may be good place to start with boundaries..........

2. he knows you he knows what hes doing and he most likely knows its hurting the kids and there for hurting you and if you play into his games you are just reinforsing his bad behavior your telling him,,,,,,,,,,,mess with my kids and I'll do what you want make them cry and I'll give you your way.....if you reward him for not signing the agreement by going around it or changing it somehow you were again manipulated
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Old 06-25-2007, 10:01 PM
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what he says to them............ is....how hes acting.
Hes not acting like a loving dad whos concerned for his kids.....and if you'll forgive me for saying.....hes acting like a spoiled little brat who just wants his way.....so would you give into your children and reward them for bad behavior? No probably not ............so if you can't do it for you and you cant do it for the kids maybe you can look at it like this.............
since hes acting like a child.....do what you'd do if it were one of them.....hold your ground stand strong and KNOW that your doing it for his own good......spoiled children who always get what they want dont learn lessons they need............
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Old 06-25-2007, 10:23 PM
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oh, i totally agree that he is acting like a spoiled brat...he definatly is...he does not know i am reading her email and neither does she, but i am in no way defending what he is doing..i think he is a very sick man to emotionally abuse his daughter like that. not for nothing but i should show that email to his over protective mother to see just how her son is hurting her grandchild....
(not worth getting into , but just a thought)..
i think that he just doesnt know what he is doing..his thinking is so irrational....or maybe he is just trying to hurt me by trying to get nicole to be against me...who knows, whatever it is, it is very very sick.
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Old 06-26-2007, 02:35 AM
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I feel the pain in your posts here and I know how much you want the man he used to be back again. We all want that, but sweetie, the man he used to be has turned into a dangerous, hateful, mean, controlling monster, and wishing it were different just won't make it so.

You made good choices when you got a restraining order against him, and perhaps some not so good choices when you allowed him to communicate with you anyway...and forgive me, I don't mean to take your inventory.

You and your children are safe when you are apart from him and living your own life. If you forget how bad it was, just look at his reaction to not getting his own way, just look at the mean hateful things he says to your daughter and just look at how self-important he thinks he is to ignore the RO and threaten you with his proposed actions.

My prayers of healing go out for you and your children. None of this is easy for any of us, but walking together gives us courage to get through it.

Hugs
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Old 06-26-2007, 03:27 AM
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Not seeing her Dad for a few weeks is not going effect her for life. She is young, and trying to understand adult issues is not doable right now, and, really shouldn't be.

Just console her, this will pass.

He is pulling out all the stops, he is consumed with getting his way and will use the children as pawns, he is sick.
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Old 06-26-2007, 04:10 AM
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he may be drug tested.
If that is to occur have your attorney ask for a hair test NOT a urine test. Reason being it shows up in the hair for all the 'using' days,. It is a much more ACCURATE and TELLING test.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-26-2007, 05:02 AM
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I agree with the others.. this man is using the kids to get to you.

Addicts are chief manipulators. Your AH is worse than most because by his profession he is TRAINED to use anyone and anything in any manner to WIN. Lawyers who lose do not make good money.

So, from everything you have told us, he is using all his training and all the irrational lies that addicts use to try to WIN. He doesn't care about his children or about seeing them.. he just wants to WIN that FIGHT.

He says things to your kids to get to YOU.

My gosh.. this man really pushes my aggravation button!
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Old 06-26-2007, 05:12 AM
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By exposing your children to adult issues that are not theirs to own, you and he are changing the people that they will become. You need to think about their future. Maybe he can't be a dad right now, but you can be their mom. These boards are full of people who grew up taking on their parents' problems. Keep your children your first priority. They need to feel safe. They need to be children. Hugs, Marle
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Old 06-26-2007, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by liesagain View Post
ya know.........this man knows you very well he knows that by hurting the kids he can get to you
dw,
lies is so right! My ex has used my kids as weapons for years and years, all the while claiming that he loved them. What a crock!

I really think they are better off not seeing him right now; you posted a day or two ago about the hurtful things he is saying to your daughter. He will not stop those tactics and that will hurt her more than not seeing him. He is sick.

My little boy sometimes says he wants to see his dad, too, but his dad is not willing to abide by the supervised visitation rules. He was supposed to see little one only in the presence of one of the older boys, but he harrassed them and made their lives so miserable that neither of them are willing to have anything to do with him.

It really rough when our kids want something that isn't good for them, but as the responsible parent it is our job to protect them from being harmed by anything-even the other parent.

((HUGS))
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Old 06-26-2007, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
If that is to occur have your attorney ask for a hair test NOT a urine test. Reason being it shows up in the hair for all the 'using' days,. It is a much more ACCURATE and TELLING test.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
Make sure that the test will show oxy/hydrocodone. My ex had a hair test that was negative but it turned out that you have to order a specific test for synthetic opiates; it wasn't included on the standard 'drugs of abuse' panel.

He had it done on May 31, almost three months to the day from the day that I threw him out so in my mind it proved absolutely nothing either way; he still refuses to deal with the underlying addiction/abuse issue. He has been clean before for a few months here and there but always-always-always ultimately goes back to using, at least for the last 20 years.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, a clean drug test really doesn't prove anything if the lying, manipulation, and controlling behaviors are not dealt with. All it does is give the addict another weapon to use against you with those who have not the first clue about addiction and what it really involves ( and with your kids....).
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