gone again

Old 06-25-2007, 06:55 PM
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gone again

Ok,so he went to get more drugs,said he would be right back.Yeah sure he will.What really sucks is I just want him home.I want the man I fell in love with back.He was so funny sweet caring my best friend.I have been friends with him since child hood.He was a really great guy.Then drugs took over and I sit here praying for him to come back to me.Why do they start using is it because they are missing something,is it because the life with me is not good enough for him?What do drugs do for him that I cant do?
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Old 06-25-2007, 07:05 PM
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His using is not about you. Nothing you say or do or don't say or don't do will change it. All the love in the world cannot stop them, if it could not one of us would be here.

I'm sorry for your pain, I know it hurts to watch someone we love destroy themselves.

The only think that helped me was to go to meetings and learn to look after myself. I also learned to live well and be happy...no matter how my addict was doing.

The only person you can help is you, but I promise you that you are worth the effort a hundred times over.

Hugs
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Old 06-25-2007, 07:07 PM
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I am sorry that he is gone again. I had asked the same questions about my daughter. But it really has nothing to do with you or me. I has to do with them, the addict.
As much as we would like for it to be "all about us" it just simply is not.
Remember the three "C's"
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
and You can't cure it.

I wish we could cure them. As much as we love them, it would be easy; but this is about them.

Keep posting and keep reading.
Hugs to you
Terri
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Old 06-25-2007, 07:11 PM
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SOrry you are hurting but like the others said, nothing you can do or say will make him stop using. The person who left to go get drugs is not the man you fell in love with. Drugs have made him into someone else.
Here is a ((HUG)) and I hope that you find your way to be strong.
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Old 06-25-2007, 07:32 PM
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BUt do you think he can ever be that man again? Is he really a different person now ,can he get help and be the man I fell in love ?
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Old 06-25-2007, 07:51 PM
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deb~
i'm sorry you are hurting right now but to answer your question. No, he will not be the same man you fell in love with. but you are not the same person who fell in love with him wither. as you work your own recovery you will see the changes in yourself, you will change for the better.

as long as your AH(?) is actively using he is not the man you love I know with my RA (recovering addict) everytime he was actively using he lost alittle piece of himself. he has been clean and sober since Oct. he is a totally different man. I am a different woman too. i'm working my recovery going to meeting and working with a sponsor and working the steps. it is alot of work but it is worth it.

to answer your last question he is going to have to want to get help and he is going to have to be willing to work hard at his recovery. there are no quick fixes when it comes to recovery.

in recovery you will learn about many tools that you can use. learning to love with detachment has saved my life and my sanity many time over. reading and learning about addiction and recovery have helped me get a stronger recovery for myself.

my best
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Old 06-25-2007, 08:05 PM
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i'm new here but i completely identify with what you said - i have someone in my life (correction: i had someone in my life) who is a cocaine addict - he was in recovery for about a year and a half and now he is "having thoughts about using again" - what will happen i don't know because i won't be around to see. I don't know if your person is your husband or boyfriend but i know what you mean when you said you want the man you fell in love with back - i'm learning so much from these posts from these women; please come to this site often for support; it really helps. Honestly i have had days when i was so down and defeated that i actually thought "if it weren't for my kids i would just give up.." thats a scary thing to admit but its the truth - i'm in total baby steps mode but i'm trying to focus on myself getting stronger - you can do the same - come here when you need strength - i really do think you'll find it. Good luck and God Bless you
lisa
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Old 06-26-2007, 03:04 AM
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Depug-

We all want them to be the men we fell in love with and I think we hold on tighter once we get a glimpse of who they "use to be" - because we think, "Hey, they DO have the capacity to become what they once were."
I firmly believe it is this believe that keeps us stuck- at least for me anyways.

I am slowly and painfully learning that the longer I wait around for him to become the man he once was, the more set in my self-destructive and unhealthy ways I become. Whenever I am waiting for someone to do something so I can attain happiness - I know it is me acting like a codie and I must take my life by the reins and direct it.

I understand your frustration and all the comments before me are extremely valuable and everyone is right - his using has NOTHING
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Old 06-26-2007, 03:11 AM
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Whoops pressed submit w/o finishing...
Anyways- his using has NOTHING to do with you or how much he loves you.

(I am STILL, STILL, STILL struggling with this. It is natural for me to make the connection that someone's inability to love/take care of me automatically reflects my shortcomings. Easier spoken than believed.)

Even now I STILL have my moments of denial and defiance when I think - if only I was enough for him... if only his love was strong enough for me... he wouldn't need to turn to a substance to escape. I think accepting that WE are powerless- is of course the hardest - because it not only means taht we cannot do anything, but it also means that our part in the relationship really has no bearing on whether or not they recover- we, as people, and all we have been put through- really isn't a factor. This I believe is when you realize that you do not have to be the changing variable that is altered in response to HIS moods, HIS behaviors, HIS using, HIS recovery...

I often still feel like a puppet on strings as I am trying to feel like it's OKAY to make my own choices and not feel so damn guilty/unentitled to do so, deeply afraid they are the wrong ones or that I am incompetent and incapable of doing anything right for myself. It is amazing how deep the wounds of addiction can be for the loved ones.

Even though I am cognizant of the fact that I have NOTHING to do with the drug usage- I still don't truly BELIEVE it down to my toes- I still swim around in the self-loathing creek that tells me that my lack of "something" is the cause for alot of this- even though I can say it is not true I think it may take awhile to believe it.

Hang in there and try to see the truth about doing what is best for you. It takes time to realize that the person we love will no longer preserve our feelings and take care of us. We keep being surprised when they hurt us, go back on their words, betray us- and I think that is what keeps us sinking farther down until we feel almost paralyzed to make changes or to change the way we think.

Try to turn the focus onto you and what you are doing for your life.
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Old 06-26-2007, 03:21 AM
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welcome to S.R. i am not sure i have met you.read around,we have all been where you are.there is nothing you can do or say to make your addict use or not use.they will only stop when they get ready.it is not your fault.sending prayers for you & him.
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Old 06-26-2007, 06:30 AM
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Will he be that man again....perhaps. But will you wait and be dragged down into depths you cannot even imagine.....that will be up to you.

Addiction is progressive unless the addict gets help. And having hit rock bottom with my daughter, she lost her son, her job (she was an RN), her apt, her car....well the list goes on to living homeless on the streets, hooking for money for her next fix...I thank God I was on the outside looking in, not affected by the rent money being gone etc. Her addiction impacted me nontheless, I had to move home from the place and job I loved, to raise her son. And spent a year crying my eyes out.

If I had a choice, I would run from any addict, cause we can't fix em. If we could, you would never see them on the streets, cause they all have people who love them, and would give anything to help them.

My daughter is hopefully now working to recovery, she is on methadone. She seems like the light of my life again, but it's one day at a time!!! And the possibility of relapse is always looming. IS this the life you want?? Is this the father you would pick for your children?? Always unsure. Always walking the tightrope??

Just some thoughts!
NSW
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Old 06-26-2007, 11:20 AM
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Today I did not cry (yet)

Today was the first day I did not cry when he left.I did not beg,or get mad.I did not stand there and listen to his lies.He said he will be back,and he will when he can't get any more drugs.But for the first time I was able to clean the house(really good),and I even cut the grass! I did not sit around and panic,I think I was able to do this because thanks to all of you I know others feel what I feel.But I still love him,want him home,and I did think of him while I did all this.But this time I was thinking of him but not crying,not panic! Maybe I will be ok,(as long as he comes home) Thanks all
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Old 06-26-2007, 01:41 PM
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questions

Just wondering,did everyone on here leave or get rid of the person in thier lives that is a addict? or are some still hanging on like me? Did anyone see a addict beat the drugs ? If you left,how long did you stay before going? And if you stayed how long has your loved one been using? Sorry if this is nosy,I just wanted to understand everyone and myself a little better.Thanks
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Old 06-26-2007, 01:45 PM
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hello,

i stayed in an alcoholic relationship for about 7 plus years. his disease progressed. i finally left, for my and my daughter's safety. he passed away last year at 52 from alcoholic liver disease. i could be a widow today...and i'm only 46.

blessings, k
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Old 06-26-2007, 01:49 PM
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debpug, this is the first go-round for me, but it'll be my last. I am fairly intolerant of bad behaviour from anyone, but others have a lot more tolerance than I do.
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Old 06-27-2007, 12:35 PM
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Hello! I stayed with an alcoholic boyfriend for 3 1/2 years - went to see a counsler and found out I was co-dependent starting reading books and distancing myself from him. Then I fell back into a relationship with an ex-boyfriend and got right back into a relationship with this time a drug addict. What I learned from leaving the alcoholic has helped me leave the drug addict sooner instead of staying for a long time. When I noticed that I was acting crazy is when I remember what I had read before and knew it was a sign that I need to start caring about myself instead of him. It has been 3 1/2 weeks since I stopped talking to him and now I am understanding that nothing I do will help him, he needs help on his own. And I also understand now that he probably does love and care about me but that addiction is so powerful it just runs his life and he will do whatever he can to go do coke. My boyfriend used to do the same thing yours is. Leave just to go do coke and would lie to me. I knew what he was doing but didn't want to believe it. I am so glad I walked away and now focusing on myself. No drama, feel better about myself, doing things for myself instead of for him is so nice!! Keep your head up just remember you can't control what he is doing and it isn't your fault and it isn't that he doesn't want to be with you. He will not change or get help until HE is ready. I mistakingly tried to get him to get help and got mad when he wouldn't do what I told him to do. I know you don't want to hear it and I didn't want to hear it - even reading back on some of my posts I wanted to talk to him and didn't want to detach but once you realize you can do better it will be easier for you to walk away. He even called me last night I hadn't talked to him in a week and he said he thinks me leaving him has made him focus on himself and maybe it is a good thing - but I will not step back into that relationship - too much damage has already been done and I really don't believe he will change and get help since he has done this many times in the last year. We were together for a year and this is the longest we have been broke up so I think it is for good this time. I was on and off with him for the last year but would only be broken up for the longest a week. I would get mad everytime he did drugs or he left me to go do drugs then we would break up and he would come back with some excuse and tell me how much he loved me and we would get back together for another month. Good luck and your in my thoughts and prayers! Also this site has helped me stay strong!!!
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Old 06-27-2007, 01:08 PM
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Hi Debpug

Originally Posted by debpug View Post
BUt do you think he can ever be that man again? Is he really a different person now ,can he get help and be the man I fell in love ?

God only knows! All we can do is pray and pray that one day our love ones will be back. Choices, it's all about choices!

In the meantime it is important that you take care of yourself and go on with your life.

We're all here walking right along side of you.

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 06-27-2007, 01:49 PM
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debpug- I came on here to ask the same question about whether anyone here has a happy ending involving staying with a recovering addict. I kicked my ABF out 2 weeks ago and he has since moved down to a 6 month sober house program in Boca *****, Fl. I talk to him all the time and he sounds great. He's been sending me video messages over the cell phone and his eyes are actually clear again. I feel so hopeful but at the same time so scared. Even if the best possible outcome does happen (he stays clean and learns to be a responsible human being), could I ever really be with him again? Could I ever forget the past 2 years and love him like he never did all of those things to me? I really don't know. Maybe he'll never be the same man I fell in love with but is it possible that he could be better? Right now that is what I want more than anything but I'm trying to be realistic and take care of myself. I need to remember that I have to go on with my life and not just wait for 6 months to be up. Has anyone here stayed and been happy they've done so?
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Old 06-27-2007, 07:09 PM
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He uses because its nice out, its raining, its cold, he had a fight with his mom. He uses because he is an addict. I loved one just like many here, he was a beautiful man until he relapsed after almost 5 clean years. Let me tell you about these wonderful men. They will steal, lie, cheat, whatever it takes to get what they want, and guess what???it isn't us that they want, its the drugs. I wish you well, we all understand your grief, it gets better as you get stronger and decide what is and is not acceptable in your life. Don't think I'm so tough, I didn't know what was going on around here, I just knew something wasn't right. It was drugs. lots and lots. Marian
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Old 06-27-2007, 07:51 PM
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I stuck it out for many years, thinking I could change him, or maybe worried that he would get better without me. Instead, he got worse and my blanket of denial was so thick I didn't see it happening.

In Aug 2003 he went to a 28-day rehab, shockingly enough! I started Nar-Anon meetings at the same time and in meetings I kept saying I was there (at the mtgs) so that if he didn't get better, I would be ok. I also said I would give him two years and if life was the same or worse, I would have to end the relationship.

I realized when he lost his job at the end of July 2005 that he was getting much much worse. For two months he did nothing but binge and sleep. I knew I had to get out before the really crazy stuff started to happen. I didn't want to be there to see it. Didn't want my son to have to see it.

He got out of his first rehab Aug 24 2003 & I left Aug 29 2005 (a week after my 30th bday - coincidence? I think NOT)

All I can say is when the lightbulb moment happened for me I WAS BLINDED!!!!!

I spent 7 crazy yrs in chaos, just trying to survive. In all honesty, when I made that promise to myself in 2003, I probably didn't really believe I would do it. Could just be a coincidence that he had declined so much in the 6months before my bday and then BOOM, THAT WAS IT FOR ME!

When I left IT WAS FOR GOOD. When he resurfaced, I did not negotiate, did not give advice, did not tell him to go to rehab, nothing.

Until the lightbulb moment happens, it's important to work your program, go to F2F meetings and prepare yourself emotionally. Even while I was doing all that I was still telling myself maybe I didn't really have to leave.

But for me, leaving was necessary. I was the only stable parent my children have. They were my priority. I had had a really bad feeling the few weeks before I left, that something really terrible would happen and there was no way I would be responsible for letting that happen to my kids.



This is an old thread, but still one of my all-time favorites:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ou-detach.html

Another great one: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tml#post644967
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