In or around Recovery?
Mark B. - Teetotaler |R|
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Freeport Pennsylvania
Posts: 443
In or around Recovery?
Hello all. My name is Mark and I'm an alcoholic. My last drink was on October 25, 2003.
I'll have to admit to something: I don't go to very many meetings. With what happened today, with my boss getting sick and some new challenges in my life, I feel the pressure building. Since it's too late to get to a meeting I decided to type away instead.
I'm not drinking though. Just For Today.
Maybe it's reached that point that realized that I never really had any close friends. No one that I would want to talk to. I'm sore conversation comes easy most people but with me I've been trying to get over that hump.
And it isn't even Camel Day yet.
I don't know if I'm isolating or what's really going on. It's just that I wish I had a friendly ear. Or maybe I should just listen. Or maybe I'm just confused.
I could wait and maybe call a few of the numbers I have in my old files but a lot of them are people I really don't know. It's as if right here, right now, I'm starting over from scratch. My old friends were people who drink and drug in the dingiest of places and new friends are hard to come by.
It's tough to be the calm at the center of a storm. And I feel that storm brewing. I wish I could be as strong and as gregarious as I claim to be. But really I'm not. I'm not really smart or have all the answers. I'm good at some things but I'm afraid to really sell myself when it comes time to put up.
I'm just in a rut and I don't want to fall and hit that bottom. Not again.
I don't know how you all will respond to this so feel free to chime in. I have tonight.
Yours in Recovery, Mark B.
I'll have to admit to something: I don't go to very many meetings. With what happened today, with my boss getting sick and some new challenges in my life, I feel the pressure building. Since it's too late to get to a meeting I decided to type away instead.
I'm not drinking though. Just For Today.
Maybe it's reached that point that realized that I never really had any close friends. No one that I would want to talk to. I'm sore conversation comes easy most people but with me I've been trying to get over that hump.
And it isn't even Camel Day yet.
I don't know if I'm isolating or what's really going on. It's just that I wish I had a friendly ear. Or maybe I should just listen. Or maybe I'm just confused.
I could wait and maybe call a few of the numbers I have in my old files but a lot of them are people I really don't know. It's as if right here, right now, I'm starting over from scratch. My old friends were people who drink and drug in the dingiest of places and new friends are hard to come by.
It's tough to be the calm at the center of a storm. And I feel that storm brewing. I wish I could be as strong and as gregarious as I claim to be. But really I'm not. I'm not really smart or have all the answers. I'm good at some things but I'm afraid to really sell myself when it comes time to put up.
I'm just in a rut and I don't want to fall and hit that bottom. Not again.
I don't know how you all will respond to this so feel free to chime in. I have tonight.
Yours in Recovery, Mark B.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Hi MArk,
Graet that you reached out. I am sure others will be along to add their support. Meanwhile keep posting and dig one or even two of those old numbers up and ring. You may not know them well but we have a lot in common with each other and they will be there for you until you can get to a meeting and center yourself again.
Your right picking up or going back in any way is just misey and pain thats all there is but accepting where we are and moving forward in any way we can is food for us.
Hold on and keep talking you can be in the eye of the storm calm and serene rather than tossed around.
Thinking of you
Kevin
Graet that you reached out. I am sure others will be along to add their support. Meanwhile keep posting and dig one or even two of those old numbers up and ring. You may not know them well but we have a lot in common with each other and they will be there for you until you can get to a meeting and center yourself again.
Your right picking up or going back in any way is just misey and pain thats all there is but accepting where we are and moving forward in any way we can is food for us.
Hold on and keep talking you can be in the eye of the storm calm and serene rather than tossed around.
Thinking of you
Kevin
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Hi Mark,
I'm glad you posted.
One thing I have found since getting sober is that there are times when I feel like I'm not moving forward. The trick is to have faith that this will pass. And, I think that it sounds like you're being a bit hard on yourself. None of us have all the answers. You say that you wish you could be as strong and gregarious as you claim to be. I think that recovery is about honesty - being honest with ourselves and honest with others. I used to have a persona that I used which was having everything under control, nothing was too much trouble and I'd never make a mistake. It was crazy. As I began recovery I discarded those labels I had put on myself and took a hard look at who I really was. And, yes, I had to accept a lot of imperfections, but I also found a lot of good qualities. I think you will find the same thing if you look at yourself.
Being social and making friends is hard for many of us addicts. I have tried to not stress about it and to keep myself real. I have been blessed with a couple of really wonderful people in my life, who seemed to appear out of nowhere. Be yourself, the best you can be, and friends will come along.
I'm glad you posted.
One thing I have found since getting sober is that there are times when I feel like I'm not moving forward. The trick is to have faith that this will pass. And, I think that it sounds like you're being a bit hard on yourself. None of us have all the answers. You say that you wish you could be as strong and gregarious as you claim to be. I think that recovery is about honesty - being honest with ourselves and honest with others. I used to have a persona that I used which was having everything under control, nothing was too much trouble and I'd never make a mistake. It was crazy. As I began recovery I discarded those labels I had put on myself and took a hard look at who I really was. And, yes, I had to accept a lot of imperfections, but I also found a lot of good qualities. I think you will find the same thing if you look at yourself.
Being social and making friends is hard for many of us addicts. I have tried to not stress about it and to keep myself real. I have been blessed with a couple of really wonderful people in my life, who seemed to appear out of nowhere. Be yourself, the best you can be, and friends will come along.
Mark B. - Teetotaler |R|
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Freeport Pennsylvania
Posts: 443
Originally Posted by nogard 
Hi MArk,
Originally Posted by nogard
Graet that you reached out. I am sure others will be along to add their support. Meanwhile keep posting and dig one or even two of those old numbers up and ring. You may not know them well but we have a lot in common with each other and they will be there for you until you can get to a meeting and center yourself again.
Your right picking up or going back in any way is just misey and pain thats all there is but accepting where we are and moving forward in any way we can is food for us.
Your right picking up or going back in any way is just misey and pain thats all there is but accepting where we are and moving forward in any way we can is food for us.
As for the title of this thread, I feel as though I'm merely on the edge rather in the middle of Recovery. Or more like skirting the fringe.
Yours in Recovery, Mark B.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
hey...boy do i know what it is not to have close friends....i was the one who helped everybody...but in a way i pushed people away from my personal life..because of the personal grieving...hey i have to believe in the future. new, good friends will come..i have a saying, that if somebody doesn't stick by you, it's a warning from God, on how you deserve somebody better..i have to believe that too..let's say in my recovery i am pretty lonely, but most people don't want to deal with people in recovery, so..it's just fine..let the good fish come in their time....
i know very little compared to you, but i can tell you that it will be ok..why?.because that's the way the universe works, everything falls into place
i know very little compared to you, but i can tell you that it will be ok..why?.because that's the way the universe works, everything falls into place
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 28
I look at my life as long as I am sober today, I am not in a rut or moving backwards. I have my days, weeks, months, that I push God out of my life, don't attend meetings, don't talk to many people, etc......actually don't do too much for myself. Sometimes the solitude is a wonderful thing, sometimes it sucks bad.
All in all, the point is, I seem to always be able to learn and grow from the experience and become better to myself in the end. The other point being, I can only reach that end result by staying clean & sober for today, whether by using the tools or not.
By any means, it's not the textbook program I'd recomend to anyone but it's mine and I cherish every moment I have been clean, just for today. Learning experiences, what we have in life.............getting back to meetings is the easiest, just pop in soemwhere you've never been and see how it feels like home. Getting back to knowing yourself working a recovery program (for only yourself) has no time frame, that's up to you.
All in all, the point is, I seem to always be able to learn and grow from the experience and become better to myself in the end. The other point being, I can only reach that end result by staying clean & sober for today, whether by using the tools or not.
By any means, it's not the textbook program I'd recomend to anyone but it's mine and I cherish every moment I have been clean, just for today. Learning experiences, what we have in life.............getting back to meetings is the easiest, just pop in soemwhere you've never been and see how it feels like home. Getting back to knowing yourself working a recovery program (for only yourself) has no time frame, that's up to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Mark,
I'm glad you started this thread - I've only ever encountered you on our DQ team so it's great to see you reaching out here.
If I don't get to enough meetings, or don't connect regularly with others in recovery, I definitely feel like I'm on the outside looking in. And, when I don't have a lot of confidence in myself, it can make it that much harder to join in.
Maybe it's a time of growth for you, and has presented itself as this challenge you've encountered at work with your boss, and other areas that you allude to.
If you feel that you are in rut and that a storm is brewing, maybe you'd better get to some more f2f meetings, and start rebuilding connections with others. You don't need to be gregarious - be yourself. Get to a closed meeting, reach out, and stick around afterwards.
It sounds to me as though you are lonely - so that's where I would start. In the meantime, I hope that you keep posting here and let us get to know you better.
Don't quit!
Rowan
I'm glad you started this thread - I've only ever encountered you on our DQ team so it's great to see you reaching out here.
If I don't get to enough meetings, or don't connect regularly with others in recovery, I definitely feel like I'm on the outside looking in. And, when I don't have a lot of confidence in myself, it can make it that much harder to join in.
Maybe it's a time of growth for you, and has presented itself as this challenge you've encountered at work with your boss, and other areas that you allude to.
If you feel that you are in rut and that a storm is brewing, maybe you'd better get to some more f2f meetings, and start rebuilding connections with others. You don't need to be gregarious - be yourself. Get to a closed meeting, reach out, and stick around afterwards.
It sounds to me as though you are lonely - so that's where I would start. In the meantime, I hope that you keep posting here and let us get to know you better.
Don't quit!
Rowan
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,039
Hi Mark!! I am glad you posted!!
My name is Cathy, and I am an Alcoholic, my last drink was on April 26, 1994.
I also don't go to many face-to-face meetings. Being a single Mom to an 11 year old Boy who has a very active social life (bowling, YMCA, drumline etc.) and working 45-50 hours a week, I really don't get out as often as I should. I am not making excuses, nor am I trying to say that my Sobriety isn't #1 in my life, rest assured, it is.
I understand what you are saying and how you are feeling. There are days when I also have that feeling of dread, like something is going to happen, but I am not sure what, or like my wheels are spinning and I am just not moving forward, or even like it is the beginning of my journey, even though it started some years ago. These are normal feelings that "normal" people get...but we are different...special. We in recovery are more aware of our feelings and sometimes it can be very overwhelming, I find, that when I am feeling that way, I have to get real serious with the Big Guy in the Sky....I ask for "The Gift" of acceptance of my circumstances...for "The Gift" of patience to let things work out, and "The Gift" of strength to do it sober.....and I keep asking (because I am one to give it to God, and take it right back..LOL).
As for feeling like you don't have many friends....I don't either...but the friends I do have are REAL, FOREVER friends. I have many acquaintances and I am pretty outgoing (bet you never would have guessed that) and I am pretty easy to get along with....but I get lonely too, my friends are mostly all in recovery but they all have lives to live and families to take care of. (don't get me wrong, I have called at 3am crying more than once, never felt like I was putting them out).
I would rather have a few really good friends, than a hundred who don't understand...I bet you have a few also!!!
I think it is great that you realize that you are feeling "off", and the fact that you are here, telling us how you feel is a VERY good thing. It really shows your dedication to staying Sober.....try to slow down..... meditate, pray, talk, type, what ever it takes to get you over this hurdle sober, you will only be stronger for it. We are here for you.
Cathy
My name is Cathy, and I am an Alcoholic, my last drink was on April 26, 1994.
I also don't go to many face-to-face meetings. Being a single Mom to an 11 year old Boy who has a very active social life (bowling, YMCA, drumline etc.) and working 45-50 hours a week, I really don't get out as often as I should. I am not making excuses, nor am I trying to say that my Sobriety isn't #1 in my life, rest assured, it is.
I understand what you are saying and how you are feeling. There are days when I also have that feeling of dread, like something is going to happen, but I am not sure what, or like my wheels are spinning and I am just not moving forward, or even like it is the beginning of my journey, even though it started some years ago. These are normal feelings that "normal" people get...but we are different...special. We in recovery are more aware of our feelings and sometimes it can be very overwhelming, I find, that when I am feeling that way, I have to get real serious with the Big Guy in the Sky....I ask for "The Gift" of acceptance of my circumstances...for "The Gift" of patience to let things work out, and "The Gift" of strength to do it sober.....and I keep asking (because I am one to give it to God, and take it right back..LOL).
As for feeling like you don't have many friends....I don't either...but the friends I do have are REAL, FOREVER friends. I have many acquaintances and I am pretty outgoing (bet you never would have guessed that) and I am pretty easy to get along with....but I get lonely too, my friends are mostly all in recovery but they all have lives to live and families to take care of. (don't get me wrong, I have called at 3am crying more than once, never felt like I was putting them out).
I would rather have a few really good friends, than a hundred who don't understand...I bet you have a few also!!!
I think it is great that you realize that you are feeling "off", and the fact that you are here, telling us how you feel is a VERY good thing. It really shows your dedication to staying Sober.....try to slow down..... meditate, pray, talk, type, what ever it takes to get you over this hurdle sober, you will only be stronger for it. We are here for you.
Cathy
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi Mark...Glad to see you again!
Why not find a Newcomers meeting?
They always re charge my recovery.
And becoming a new friend with knowledge
to share with a man struggling
can be your new niche'
Side by side ...Forward we go.
Blessings
Why not find a Newcomers meeting?
They always re charge my recovery.
And becoming a new friend with knowledge
to share with a man struggling
can be your new niche'
Side by side ...Forward we go.
Blessings
Last edited by CarolD; 06-25-2007 at 08:43 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
Myself had a couple of years without hardly any meetings. My sobriety date is 8/23/97. I had a baby in April 2004 and so that's my excuse. For the past probably 9 months or so, I have been able to get back to meetings. Not as many as I was making before mind you, but the ones I can get to sure make a difference. Around our clubs, they say. . .meeting makers make it. Hang in and try to get to one soon. I think you will be glad you did!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
I look at my life as long as I am sober today, I am not in a rut or moving backwards. *snip*
All in all, the point is, I seem to always be able to learn and grow from the experience and become better to myself in the end.
All in all, the point is, I seem to always be able to learn and grow from the experience and become better to myself in the end.
That said, when you're in the situation, when you're "there", it's easy to lose sight of that. Heck, I'll say it, it sucks. I know it passes, I know there's good things in store for me, but damm I hate right now sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
Around recovery is not an option for me...I must participate in my own recovery. i must commit to learning soemthing new each day.
I must be in recovery, a par5 o the solution, a part of the world wide cuircle of recovery
I must be in recovery, a par5 o the solution, a part of the world wide cuircle of recovery
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Hi Mark, even though you dont know those people very well (the ones you have the numbers of) I think you are doing the right thing calling them and also saying how you feel here.
I had 24 days sobriety and blew it recently so I cant really offer advice from my own experience except to say-keep reaching out, please.
I had 24 days sobriety and blew it recently so I cant really offer advice from my own experience except to say-keep reaching out, please.
Mark B. - Teetotaler |R|
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Freeport Pennsylvania
Posts: 443
Originally Posted by karimpatim
hey...boy do i know what it is not to have close friends....i was the one who helped everybody...but in a way i pushed people away from my personal life..because of the personal grieving...hey i have to believe in the future. new, good friends will come..i have a saying, that if somebody doesn't stick by you, it's a warning from God, on how you deserve somebody better..i have to believe that too..let's say in my recovery i am pretty lonely, but most people don't want to deal with people in recovery, so..it's just fine..let the good fish come in their time....
I think about that night on October 25, 2003. I think about how how empty I felt that way that the only choice I felt was to drink. I was afraid that asking for help was a sign of weakness. Funny how we alcoholics have that all backwards, right?
My regret is that I had everything literally handed to me. I just didn't reach out and fell to an even deeper bottom. So in a way it's as though history is repeating itself.
Except for one thing: I don't drink Just For Today.
My day went better today and it's funny that the more I keep it together the more people see that as strength. Oh, if they only knew the truth. I don't want to get cocky but I also look at myself in the future helping others who may be in my same predicament. If anything, spiritually and mentally, I want to be in the best possible condition to give back to those who freely gave to me.
And yes, sometimes I feel that I'm my own worst critic.
God, if only I had what you all had.
More later. Thanks for reading so far.
Yours in Recovery, Mark B.
Mark B. - Teetotaler |R|
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Freeport Pennsylvania
Posts: 443
Originally Posted by Rusty Zipper
mark our friend... starting your own thread... its your beginnings to opening up!... way to go sobriety brother...
And maybe that's also what's intimidating. Just exactly where to start. This'll take some time.
Yours in Recovery, Mark B.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
i repeated that sentence..god if i had what you all had, all my life...that was my excuse...i don't know what that means to you..but if it's a positive thing use it...it's yours..so i have no business saying..but i just wanted to say that i said that for so many years..and i ended up believing i couldn't do what others can...i found out last year that i am intelligent, good looking and just as equal, my only problem, lack of self love....lack of courage to be responsible for when i fail not to blame my qualities, but blame my lack commitment in a period of time.... i am taking the courage to make myself an entity..i used to think i was on a category bellow....bs...noway..those days are over...i don't know why i lived like that yet..but i know why i won't want to live without pride and joy to be alive...
thanks for sharing.AA..
thanks for sharing.AA..
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Originally Posted by AAFreeportPA
Maybe it's reached that point that realized that I never really had any close friends. No one that I would want to talk to. I'm sore conversation comes easy most people but with me I've been trying to get over that hump.
I don't know if I'm isolating or what's really going on. It's just that I wish I had a friendly ear. Or maybe I should just listen. Or maybe I'm just confused.
I could wait and maybe call a few of the numbers I have in my old files but a lot of them are people I really don't know.
I don't know if I'm isolating or what's really going on. It's just that I wish I had a friendly ear. Or maybe I should just listen. Or maybe I'm just confused.
I could wait and maybe call a few of the numbers I have in my old files but a lot of them are people I really don't know.
Any more thoughts about getting back to meetings regularly? I just returned from a 9 day trip with my kids, didn't make any meetings while we were gone, and man I couldn't wait to get back to the Fellowship of AA.
All my old friends were the drink & drug type too. But every day for the last two years I head to a big meeting where my new friends are, I've got more true friends in recovery than I ever dreamed I'd have. Those friendly ears are there for me every night, and if the phone doesn't ring when I can use it I've got plenty of friends I can reach out to.
Mark B. - Teetotaler |R|
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Freeport Pennsylvania
Posts: 443
Originally Posted by CarolD
Hi Mark...Glad to see you again!
Originally Posted by CarolD
Why not find a Newcomers meeting?
They always re charge my recovery.
And becoming a new friend with knowledge
to share with a man struggling
can be your new niche'
They always re charge my recovery.
And becoming a new friend with knowledge
to share with a man struggling
can be your new niche'
And yes I have seen many things. But just this week along gave me enough of a pause to stop and consider it all.
Yours in Recovery, Mark B.
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