chero

I know ya'll said it might happen but I really didn't think it would. I just don't know who I am anymore or how I'm supposed to feel.
I haven't told very many people about me leaving AH. I'm really such a private person and I didn't want a lot of people to know. Not a lot of people even knew how bad his drinking really was or how bad my life with him has been.

Anyway, first thing this morning I get a call from a close friend who did know and she got a call from our other friend who is a big gossip and found out about it. So, apparently this friend has been calling everyone I know (except me) and asking questions. My phone has been ringing all morning!

I'm so angry. I know people will have to find out eventually but it really upset me that she didn't come to ME if she had questions about ME! So, finally I called and said that. It was a short conversation and I did most the talking. She wasn't honest about who she had called and I didn't want to give her too much opportunity to lie. I wasn't rude but I just told her how I felt.

I know my calling her caught her off guard because I normally wouldn't have done something like that and it will probably end the relationship. She was pretty upset I called her on it.
I don't know if I was right or wrong?? I know people will have to find out but I hate being the latest rumor in a small town.

UGH! Guess I was needing to vent! I probably didn't handle this right. I know people will have to find out. UGH!

best

Even growing up in the city, I was suprised at how many people knew before they were told. Gossip just lets it out so that people think it is ok to gossip about it in the open now. One way to deal with it... confront people who gossip with a request.

"I know you know so I am asking...please pray for us both"
Such would take the wind out of their sails and may gain you a few more prayers.

prodigal

Chero, don't feel uncomfortable about standing up for your values and convictions. Do you want this type of person for a friend anyway? Gossip is a way people make themselves feel important: "Guess what I know that you don't know?!?!" So what if it ends the friendship. How much you wanna bet that as soon as you hung up with her, she got on the phone and started calling everyone saying, "You wouldn't believe the NERVE of that witch, Chero, and guess what she said to me? Well, I NEVER!!!"

People were going to find out anyway. It's not like you were running around telling anyone who would listen and crying on their shoulders. I might run my mouth on this board, but I've learned to keep my mouth shut about my business and other's business. So what I say here stays here. I don't put by "bitness" out on the street.

Of course you don't know who you are. I had a shrink ask me once what I was feeling and I had to reply, "I don't really know." I certainly had no idea what I wanted, who I was, or where I was going. I had spent most of my life focused on the rest of the human race!

P.S. - I wonder who had the loose lips that tipped the gossip off to what was going on?

foregoodreasons

I think you have cause to be concerned. If this person IS your friend you'd think he/she would have called you first to see how YOU were doing instead of sneaking aroung spreading heresay.

Of course now there is this conflict. And the best you can do is rise above it. If you wish you can still try to remain friends with the person but be weary of what you tell this person. Sucks to be on-guard around friends but I suppose one does have to be careful sometimes ... even with friends.

Also, I don't know that you are 'required' to let everyone know. I don't know what the experts say surrounding this. Is full exposure/disclosure important for your recovery?

I would think this is something you keep a little confidential until such day the recovered (or non-recovered) A decides to expose their disease to whom he chooses. Know what I mean?

I think you did right by confronting that person. It bodes well to teach others how you would like to be treated. Me ... I'm too much of a conflict avoider so I probably would have tried my best to 'avoid' having to deal with this person.

MsPINKAcres

For me it doesn't matter if it was right or wrong to call her - More than anything it matters that you know this person's personality now. You know you can't rely on her for honesty or confidentiality.

As for all those questions, I like Best's answer "please pray for us both" and I would also maybe add - "I'm not comfortable talking about". Just remember those that don't respect that, probably don't warrant anything other than a good-bye.

((Chero))

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

chero

You're right, Prodigal, I do wonder who told her. Hmm....but I figure I can't obess about it or it will consume me and I have bigger things to focus on. I said my peace and actually, I think I feel better. It's an odd feeling. It's really a new feeling; standing up for myself.

I'm not too worried about the loss of the relationship. I don't have time to be friends with people like that. I think I handled it well--for my first time out. I hate confrontation normally, but I feel surprisingly good about this. It's weird.

Cynay

Now why on earth would she come to you with questions? gggeeezzzz girl your missing the whole point. If she had come to you and gotten answer then she would not be able to talk with everyone and chew on what they make up.... She does not want the answers silly she wants to do the ... what if, did you hear, I bet...... so they have something to talk about ... Much easier to take your inventory then to take their own.

Spiritual Seeker

What other people think of you is none of your business. Turn the tides. Have a get together with your friends to celebrate your new life.
Don't wrap a story around what others are thinking or doing.
It take a lot of energy to keep secrets. use that energy to more productive endeavors.

hopeangel

the same as the recovering alcoholic has to drop old friendships that do not fit into their recovery and sobriety, we must do the same sure we lose friends (or what we thought were friends), but that frees up space for new more quality relationships.

theotherone

You go girl....you are my hero...you called her on it and knocked the wind out of her sails....Good riddance! Gossip is one of the most if not the most cruel weapon in life. Now you're right....move onward and upward...don't dwell on other peoples' weaknesses. Focus on your strength and rise above it.

SaTiT

mmm..my sponor say..i know i'm doing it right
when people talking out me..

somewhere alone the line..when i live and is enjoying
my life...that last thing do is sit around talking or
wondering what people do..I'm in the realm of having
a life and living it.

When people found out i was seperated from my
gf. that was wierd too...

anyway, I like to read a book..it's call the dream giver..
i can relate a lot to the book. Breaking out of my
comfortzone wasn't going to be easy and sometimes
i have to get over border bullies..
The border bullies ..comes in forms of families and friend,
thou..lmao. I never thought of it like that before
but it was so true, when I was trying to make a change
in my life..here comes the families and friends trying
to pull me back into the familar...lol
it's not that they where mean..they were just consern..
and if I change..they had something to loose..ME..
the old me..

prodigal

Chero, I think you bounced back remarkably well, particularly after the wedding and now Miss Blabbermouth yakking all over town about YOUR business. You are doing great, even if you might not think so at times.

LGLG07

i think you did the right thing too chero ! its up to you when you want to tell people whats going on .
its so funny to me because i havent been on in a while and im going through this exact thing right now . a man from work asked me if i was doing ok with everything . i didnt tell anybody at work so i didnt know what he was talking about . he told me everybody knew and it was water cooler gossip one morning . how nice .
so i can totally relate to you now . its up to us when or if we want to tell people and how much we want them to know . its nobody elses business , your friend was calling around and discussing it with everyone else because in doing so she took the focus off of her own life (which probably isnt going so well at the time) .

Keep your head up , you're doing great !
M

duet_4-8

I think that you did great! All in the world you did was stand up for yourself with someone who overstepped your boundaries and messed in your business!

It's no wonder it feels odd to you-it's not something us codies are used to doing! It does get easier, though, the more you do it. Stay strong!

(((HUGS)))

chero

Thanks for encouragement guys! I feel like I did the right thing, too! Wow, that feels good to say! I did find out that after our call she told our friends I was in a bad mood and having a really bad day. LOL! Bless her little heart! I don't care though!

I like that, SaTIT!! Thanks!!

chero

OMG! Was that a boundary?!?!??!

CE Girl

SIsta,,Usually, I read others replies before I respond. I'm too kool to be redundant and boring,,,lol

But I'll risk it this time.

FIRST,,YOU GOT A PLACE?!?!? How the hell did I miss that?!?!? Been in a silver aluminum cigar all day, did it happen when I was 30,0000 feet up?!?!? OR,,were you being "private"

You know what your post reminded me of? When my A use to say, "no one knows". I told him he was thought of as the town drunk,, Sorry, but its the truth. The guy would go up and hug STRANGERS,,"hey,,you need a hug" stagger, stagger, sway, sway,,,So many would be visibly repulsed.

Now, I ain't saying YOU repulse anyone. Your too sweet. Plus you don't stink like a 1/5th of vodka. But I will say, EVERYONE who knows you, knows there's trouble in paradise. Do they know excatly what? Naw, who can say unless they live behind them closed door with you. Somehow you don't strike me as that type,,LMAO. BUT, they don't call it gossip for nothing. What they do know and what they want to find out is what causes people to talk

Let em QUACK

If you think about it, its codie DENIAL that you want to be "private"

Face it sista, you and your A are seperated. Its not a blemish on your fine upstanding citizenry,,he,he,he. It fact, up front and honest. Do you think you can keep the fact your setting up your OWN household a secret? Why would you want too. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD of what you've done for YOU!!!!

Hey, if i went my usualy beyond boundries with my considerable opinion,,I do apoligize.

However, as always its said with LOVE

((((((CHERO))))))

Peace

chero

Hey, Sis, I couldn't be mad at you! But this is right! I have been living my life in denial. I guess I believed that if you wanted it bad enough it would happen. But truth is that isn't the truth. So then, what's the next step? Well, it's this....

When you said this to me earlier today I think my heart stopped for a second. You're absolutely right. It had not dawned on me we are seperated. I'm still in shock every time I read that. I'm seperated. My husband and I are seperated. I feel light headed thinking about it.

I guess because I am living in a different town than where I work and spend most of my days that I would be able to hide it and keep it a secret, too. I know, DENIAL.

Truth is, the fact that we are seperated and people are talking...well, shoot, it's not my fault and I'm tired of acting like it is. You know? I did everything I could. I shouldn't feel ashamed.

mallowcup

There isn't much you can do about a gossip except to remember that gossip always hurts someone. Without exception, it hurts to be talked about instead of talked to.
I'm guilty of gossip and I remind myself to go straight the the person fairly often. I work in the infrastructure of a hospital, a real gossip mill.
That being said, some of the people she's told care deeply about you.
They care and so they call.
Friends feel horrible to find out you have been suffering.
After 40 years of dedicated full time service, our boss fired a nurse the other day. Our boss lied to us and said that this nurse was taking an immediate leave for at least three months but probably wasn't coming back at all. huh? What!
Oh believe me, smoke was rolling off the phone lines that day. Did we gossip? yes, you better believe it. That doesn't mean we don't care, it means we do.
I know that isn't always the case and some just like to have the hot news of the day, I've done that too. But then, we already knew that about each other.
Your situation didn't turn this woman into a gossip, she alreay was one and you knew that. You also probably suspected she'd blab when she found out. In the end.....so what. You are unburdened. People know now.