thiskidknows

laying on my bed, thinking during the night
looking for something to show me the light
the stars have faded, the light has gone
I've shut down and become withdrawn

Longing for the nites to be short
wondering why I can't take the support
if only's, and question of why's
askin why my mum turned a blind eye

I won't ever be able to tell
of my living hell
I can't say the words
too many times they went unheard

I can't even cry at night
something is not quite right.
When someone hurts, they cry
but all I feel is that I want to die.

I live trapped in my mind
the past i can't leave behind
torture, the pain, worse then before
remembering I was just they *****.

Feelins of dirty, self loath and hate
never feeling anyones mate.
livin alone and trapped within
all because of my original syn.

I committed the biggest syn
I should never have been
I shouldn't have been born
now I'm left here feeling torn

the feelings of shame
after all I am to blame
look of disgust
is all that I see.

I hate the person I am
and I really couldn't give a damn
I'm useless, I'm pathetic, i'm weak
stupid, crazy, dirty and a freak

I'm tierd of the feelings inside
I've tried to deny them and hide
the memories that blind me
I fight and disagree.

I won't accept that person was me
how can it be, she is three.
She is not me, we are not one
but both of us has lost and they have won.

they stole her soul
inside is empty, just a hole
broken, destroyed
life is a void.

I've been trying
i've been losing
I've been fighting
I've been beaten

I can't talk of the past
I can't reach out
I can't let anyone in
I'm dead within

the thoughts won't ease
they starting to increase
I can't escape my mind
and unwind

so taggled, caught in a trap
I can't break free, I'm crap
I don't know how to get thru this
so i quit, i no longer exist.

how do u move on??????????????????????????????????

Want2BGreat

TKK,

I feel for you. I am on my day 2 and feel like I'm crawling out of my skin at times. I am just trying to remind myself that who I am today is a result of choices in the past. I have choices today to be different tomorrow. I know it's really hard, but I guess I'm trying to look at the things in my life. Any time I tried really hard toward something, the reward was always good, if I didn't give up. Things at times over the past 2 days have seemed so huge that I couldn't deal with them, but remember to only do what you can do moment by moment, day by day, you don't have to fix everything right this second, if your situation is anything like mine, that would be impossible, so I'm just doing what I can today. I'm not drinking, I watched some movies, I layed down, I ate food and drank water, and am here on this site, and that's it for today! I did a year of sobriety a few years ago, and it felt really good, and I was proud of myself, and everything changed so having done that, I know I can do it today, and I know you can too. If you remember nothing else, just be kind to yourself & take care of your body. I wish you the best of luck & hope you feel better. I know if we stick to it we will feel so much better each day.

N

Surlyredhead

I wish I could make these first days easy for you both, but it is so important for you to go through them, and always remember how you are feeling right now, because you never have to feel this way again. For me, remembering how horrible I felt the first two weeks is a key factor in my continuing sobriety. It won't always be easy, but it will always be worth it.....just don't use.

Cathy....grateful to be recovering Alcoholic

Dee74

hang in there J.
I believe you can do it.
love the new avatar thingy too BTW !!

D

lostmdboy

Hang in there guys it is so worrth it. Redhead is right remember how you feel.

parentrecovers

one day at a time...........blessings, k