Sooze

Hi guys,

I wrote before, maybe a bit more than a year ago, that I was getting really worried about my drinking. I was able to quit, quite a few times actually, without too many cravings or repercussions. But of course, if I was really able to quit, I wouldn't still be suffering with this stupid monkey. Or gorilla, more like. Everytime I think it's okay to go back, to have some wine, I seem to be getting worse and worse at stopping before I pass out. Actually, who am I kidding? I NEVER stop before I pass out. I can start out all gentile and feminine, just having a quite drink of wine with a friend and then two hours later be hitting my local beer and wine store for a bottle just for me, my I-pod and maybe my 'puter for some long-winded maudlin e-mails to those I love.

Lately, I'm getting scared. I'm a widow, a relatively young one at 48, and have a whole life left to live if I will only get rid of this stupid addiction. I guess my question is, after reading all your posts, is "where do you get the motivation, if you haven't hit "rock bottom" yet?" I have to say that since I lost my husband two years ago, yes, I've had a young lover and have enjoyed life as much as poss, but deep at my core, I think I'm faking it. I have great sorrow in my heart, and as much as I know that's not an excuse for drinking, I really do want to know, Where do you get motivated, when you don't really care anymore?

I guess that's my question. I've already learned what wonderful friends you are to each other. And I'm tired of not joining in. Please let me join in. Ambivalent as I am?

Love, Susan in Vancouver

Aysha

Hi Susan..Glad you are here.
So happy you decided to join us.
We are a great group of caring ..supportive people.
My motivation has come from alot of things. Looking and seeing what I do have left in my life. My family. Sick of being that way. Lots of things motivate me. Yea..It gets hard to stay that way sometimes. But It's harder to keep starting over and over again.
I dont know. My main motivation right now is from events of my last relapse.
Still probably wasnt my bottom but it was definately a smack in the face.
So you just need to find your own motivation.
others will be along to lend their opinions.
Keep posting and I am glad you decided to take part in our world. LOL

Pilgrim

Hi Susan,

I was able to quit too - for a while. But I couldn't control how long for. I was powerless to not have a drink at certain times (most days...lol)

I could still stop before I passed out some days. I couldn't control when that would happen tho. Most of those times were when I was still sick from the day before.

I could have a quiet couple of glasses of wine, and end up not making it to work the next day. I mean - what??

You are right. You are a bit older than me but not by much. We have a lot of living to do yet. Living. Not walking around in an alcoholic fog.

When we anaesthetise oursleves from hurtful feelings, we also anaesthetise ourselves from love and life.

I got my motivation from SR. Suddenly I found that I was not all alone in my powerlessness. I had friends who understood me. I could go out into the world with my SR friends walking around on my shoulders.

My "bottom" came quite quickly. The end was only 3 months long and the bottom is an instant. It could happen tonight for you or it could wait a few more days or months or years but it sounds like you drink like me - alcoholically- so it will happen.

O cool - thanks administrators. You gave me editing power. Sorry - it's a new treat for me that I only just noticed.

I digress.

I find connection with people at AA and SR that I was craving.

It's not easy. When we stop (I can't stay stopped without lots of help) hehe edit power again.. sorry I am just chuffed about that.... where was I. Oh yea. When we stop, we feel the grief we have been keeping hidden. After we go through that, I found that life really starts.

There is no need to go all the way down. Most of us didn't. We reach our mental bottom often before we lose our homes, families, friends and end up in hospital or institutions. That stuff is where we are heading.

I suggest you read the thread on the top of this forum - extracts from "Under the Influence".

I am so pleased you are joining in. Long winded maudilin emails welcome!!!

Sooze

Chiynita,

I feel so privileged to have a response from you. I've seen your name so much as I've been lurking! It's like you're a celebrity or something (laughs)

Yeah, I hear you. Even as I asked the question, I knew the only answer was going to come from me. Sigh. I do get it. I guess that's a good thing, at the end of the day. I have enough experience with sobriety to know how much I love it when I'm there. Just don't know why I keep getting drawn back, even temporarily. Maybe cause I've never done the steps? I've been to one AA meeting in my life.

Anyway, thanks, girl.
sd

Aysha

LoL..Dont give me an ego now... We are all celebrities here.
The reason you probably see my name alot is because I choose to be as involved in this board as much as I can and I like to welcome everyone. And it keeps me going. Gives me strength and hope. Encouragment when I just want to say forget it.
Plus I like to run my mouth.
Hey!! I should be a greeter! LOL
Anyway..I have alot of struggles too and I know I can always come here and find support and understanding.
Even if it isnt what I want to hear all the time.
I know I am amongst friends.
I really hope to see more of you.

Sooze

Hey Pilgrim, many thanks.

Like I said to Chi, you're like a celebrity to me. I feel like I know you already since I've read so many of your posts. It really doesn't surprise me that you'd be so kind to reach out to a wretch like me. Yeah! I said it! A wretch! That's what I feel like these days. Anyways, I totally hear both you guys about getting on the train before it gets too terribly bad. I mean, it already is bad, but it could get so much worse, you know? I already feel like I"m starting to lose the plot re. my morals and values. I don't like that. Plus I'm getting gin blossoms on my pretty face. Ha!

I love you guys already. How kind you are.
Soozie

CarolD

Hi Susan...

Here is the link PPilgrim suggested.
It's in our Alcoholism Forum not Newcomers

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

It's the book that convinced me to quit drinking
at age 53.
Please don't wait that long.

Alcoholic depression is why I stopped..

Sobriety Rocks!

barb dwyer

hi sooze, welcome!

I lost someone I was in love with five years ago. I know how that is.

look forward to mailing with you~

mps101

Hello and welcome! I'm new here and have been doing the "dance" with not drinking and then drinking, being "sucessful" and then droping the ball. It just became to exaughtsting and I realized/or am realizing that I simply cannot predict when drinking will go well or end up leaving me in bed for the next 24 hours hung over. I went to my first AA meeting tonight and it was reassuring to feel a community of people who have dealt with similar issues. I got a free "beginner's kit" with some good literature...

Good luck, nice to hear from you!

Aducksdelight

Hi Susan,

I am glad you here and are posting. I used to think I was on track and could handle a drink or two but I soon realize that it is never just the one or two. It was a slippery slope and I am fighting back. I am glad that you can see that you have a wonderful life to lead and don't need this anymore. It's good to meet you!

indigo

Hey glad you decided to join in, lots of support and love flying around these forums, take a chair and get to know us, and us you.

Pilgrim

Hi Sooz

I know what you mean. I cringe at the things I did when I was drunk that I wouldn't dream of doing sober. As low as we go, we can go just as high in the opposite direction if we live our new lives one day at a time.

Just keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

Rusty Zipper

sooz, nice to meet you, and welcome to recovery...

for me, pain... physical, mental, and my real motivator... spiritual...

i couldnt laugh, cry, or feel any more... just knumb... it was do i live, or die?

was no inbetween at that point... it was exausting to keep up the daily pace any more...

all good wishes sooz...

xxoo, rz

Sooze

I just woke up after a long boozy snooze. I must have been smart to write last night, after all, and I thank you so very much, all of you, for being there. I feel really supported and ready to get down to the work of sobriety wth you guys to help me.

lots of love,
Suelock Holmes

lostmdboy

Hi Susan,
Welcome to the posting side. You have made the first step to recovery. Admittig there is a problem. Now what to do about it. That is up to you . hope to see you posting a lot.

parentrecovers

nice to see you on the board, sooze - keep posting! blessings, k

IO Storm

Sooze..

I can relate. I too lost the ability to gently drink and be feminine about it

long ago. I too carried a deep sadness inside of me from losing three

unborn children and my dad.

Although I was not drinking when Daddy and Alyssa and my two

Jakes passed..I started using speed to run away from the pain.

Eventually I suffered a horribly broken relationship and went

back to the bottle.

You see..I had never grieved the previous losses and just

"had to" numb out...

But alcohol miserably failed me..even while drunk the pain

was still there..magnified..and created more pain and wreckage

to deal with.

In recovery I have cried, and cried, and one by one accepted my losses

without drugs or alcohol.

It can be done!

But it takes much support from others..maybe it is your "time" to

begin your journey in recovery.

This will enable you to, with help, work through the pain that

continues to cause you to suffer from sorrow.

Reaching out here is a first step.

My best to you.

Love,

IO

scaryclownguy

I had to hit "rock bottom" before I could start recovery. I get my motivation from lots of things. Mainly I look back on what I've done, and see the wreakage and I don't want it anymore.

Alive

Hey sooze i welcomed you on the other thread too...lol..but i think another Welcome back wouldn't be bad....


take care...you have a life in front of you

Sooze

I am so overwhelmed today, at the sheer kindness of you all. Thank you so very much for your support. I did the right thing by reaching out. Now. I guess meetings, huh? As I said earlier, I've only ever been to one. I feel pretty motivated. I keep seeing you guys refer to having been "exhausted' when you quit, exhausted with the dance of it all, do I drink, do I not, how much, when, etc etc. That's how I feel right now. Just really exhausted with it all. I'm so tired of grieving my man, tired of being tired and not "me". "Me" is actually a pretty great chick, and I miss her.

Thank you, susan