Wedding Bell Blues

Old 06-23-2007, 08:40 PM
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Wedding Bell Blues

Well, I've been doing the wedding thing for the past two days. My sister got married this afternoon and AH and I were both in the wedding. I'm so glad it's over but I'm on an emotional rollercoaster because of it.

It went fine except I was in a funk of sorts toward AH at first but the longer the day went the more used to him I got again. It felt good and familiar and easy.

Afterwards though, I freaked out a little bit and knew I had to get away before I got sucked back in. Except now I've been crying and crying ever since.

I don't know if it's the wedding and all that love, having to put on a happy face for everyone, seeing him and liking it or what?!?!?!?

I gave in and just now tried to call him and NO ANSWER! In my world that is code for "I'm drinking." Which should be all the answer I need, I know!

It was so hard being with him today and our extended family doesn't know the situation and they were trying to get us to commit to fourth of July plans and he was pushing for it and it was soooo hard. I kept having to remind myself what the reality of the situation is.

I'm happy for my sister but I really didn't need a wedding right now.
Everyday seems to get harder and harder!
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Old 06-23-2007, 09:06 PM
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AH just called me back and he is drinking.

I guess that should make me feel more sure I'm doing the right thing but it just makes me more sad.
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Old 06-23-2007, 09:13 PM
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It is sad, Chero. And it's okay to be sad about it. Try to remember that just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean you need to act a certain way. Feeling sad sucks, I know. But feeling your feelings is the only way to get past them. I wish I could give you a big ole (((((()))))) in person. Do you have someone available who can? Sounds like you could use one.

Tomorrow is another day. Hope it's a good one!

L
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Old 06-23-2007, 09:18 PM
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I'm all alone, L. I'm surrounded by people and all alone.

Tomorrow is another day...another busy, jammed packed day and I'm tired just thinking about it.

Thanks for the hug!
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Old 06-23-2007, 09:20 PM
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You were there for your sister even if the timing wasn't the best for you.
Now you are able to continue with your progress. Acknowledging your feelings will help keep the focus on what you know is best for yourself!

What would you be doing for yourself now if you hadn't seen or talked to him?
Maybe that's a possibility still tonight or tomorrow.
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Old 06-23-2007, 09:22 PM
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I know one thing I wouldn't be doing, Aztchr, and that's thinking about him so much.

I haven't missed my thoughts being consumed by him and what he's doing and all of that!

PEACE--I miss peace!

Thanks, Aztchr, I needed to remember I've had those days lately.
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Old 06-23-2007, 09:28 PM
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I've definitely had those days, too. I ask myself the same question I asked you when I need to get back on track. The peace is within for me, but I have to bring it out somehow.
What can you do to get it back tonight so you can rest a little easier?
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Old 06-23-2007, 09:33 PM
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I really don't know??? I probably just need some sleep.
Right now my mind is spinning. I thought tomorrow I am going to call and force him to admit he was drinking but what good would that do?? He'll deny it and it'll make me crazy and what does it matter anyway.

If something good comes from every situation then the good from this day is the reminder that I like peace and I guess sometimes I need a few storms in life to remind me of that.
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Old 06-23-2007, 09:43 PM
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and it's your choice whether you want lots of rainy days, or whether you want to see the clouds disappear... you've got the power, girl!
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Old 06-23-2007, 10:59 PM
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That had to be extremely difficult to be thrown together with him at a wedding and maintain a happy face during the ordeal. You're much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Being upset and crying right now is understandable. I'd be an emotional mess, under those circumstances.
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Old 06-24-2007, 04:37 AM
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Just want you to know that I am thinking about you. I too saw my husband on Saturday. He has a new job in another town (about 120 miles from me). Here is the bottom line, all I can do is pray for him and keep my hands out of it. It is hard but that is what I have learned from my friends on this board. Thanks to all.
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Old 06-24-2007, 04:44 AM
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I woke up this morning and I feel so numb. I really am doing the right thing. I know that I am. And I know he'll drink. No surprise there except kind of it always does surprise me.

He won't change (or at least I can't change him) and I can't live without change...literally!

I think I'm going back to bed for a few. UGH!
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Old 06-24-2007, 05:02 AM
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Sista,,,

Let yourself FEEL,,,it will put things in perspective for you,,,,,,

"Nothing changes if nothing changes"

When I first left my A, that was my mantra. Constantly reminding myself that unless I made the first step in change, I would go through my life, "twisting" and turning about his drinking. Trying to "save" him, and catch him when he falls. He's a BIG guy, I'm a pint, it was getting to hard to hold him up.

Now, when I think of that saying, I can not apply it to me anymore

I've been successful in creating the change. Am I all the way there?!?!? Heck NO. BUt I'm practicing and getting better at it every day.

Ummmmmm,,,let me be bold here and say SO ARE YOU!!!!

Nothing changes if nothing changes

now applys to my A

He told me this weekend something I said has been resonating through his head

"The world around you is moving on, but you are staying the same"

Our A's are going to be left behind.

I find that very, very sad. And yes, it makes me cry. But,

I didn't cause
I can't control it
I can't cure it

Grieving process. Its been said many times the "stages" of grief don't follow any order, and stages can be revisited at any time.

Sounds to me you had a visit from sad again

It's ok, let yourself FEEL it so you can heal

You did good Sista,,,,

And from this native hippie chick and her spirits we're sending you,,,,,,

PEACE
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Old 06-24-2007, 06:35 AM
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whew, i am taking a deep breathe right now. can i say that i am glad that wedding is over. maybe that is why i had an uneasy feeling last night chero because i was anxious for you.

the good thing is it is over and you can move on from there.

there are some great quotes in this thread

"The world around you is moving on, but you are staying the same" yep, just had this conversation with ah.

" unless I made the first step in change, I would go through my life, "twisting" and turning about his drinking. Trying to "save" him, and catch him when he falls. He's a BIG guy, I'm a pint, it was getting to hard to hold him up." -yep,same here

"I can't live without change...literally!" -um, could if i want to lose my soul and core and enjoy dying inside, nope, i don't think so!

"You're much stronger than you give yourself credit for!" YES YOU ARE!

"just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean you need to act a certain way."- thank you latee for the reminder - i soo needed this. i am going to work on this one today.
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Old 06-24-2007, 06:59 AM
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Hang in there chero.
Living alone was bitter sweet at first..
Yeap..and it seemed like everywhere I went, there
was couples in love. I was in the angery stage of
just mad at everyone..

Then oneday, i saw a couple fighting or doing
that codi/alki dance or whatever the hech they were doing.
Then one of my sponsee came over and told me
he was going out of his freaken mind...

That kind da balance it out of me...lol
yeah..sleep is a good thing..I can actually get some shut eye,
instead of staying up all night fighting and draging my ass
into work the next day.
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Old 06-24-2007, 09:03 AM
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Hello Chero,

Well the wedding is over, and your hunny moon was a long time ago.
I was surprised at that he was still in the wedding.

With all that you have been through and what you are still going through, I would have made a change with that.

But that’s over.

It’s so easy to go back with what’s familiar.
It requires no effort.
No work.
Just be lazy and stick with what you know.
After all, it’s a loving thriving relationship.


You know I think the best way to really start moving away from that old relationship of doom, is to get a life.
I know that sounds simple but it DOES really hold true.

When this all started for me I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I had so much time on my hands.
It was all the time that I have spent taking care of another’s life, my alcoholic wife’s.

My sponsor helped me with this to a great measure. He kept me going to meetings, got me to be of service, and we even went to ball games.
I stayed very busy.

In time the draw was less to make contact.
I found that I did have a life. I mattered.


The constant obsessing and wondering about her soon started to fade.
I see many here who still spend most of their day worried, thinking, projecting about another, instead of living.

It must be shear HELL for some of you to wake up in the morning and have that worthless fool be all your thoughts, I know it was for me.



GET A LIFE! GET A LIFE!

If you don’t want to do for yourself, do for others. Volunteer your time; be of service, but STAY BUSY.

Are you not worth more?
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Old 06-24-2007, 09:13 AM
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Mr. C., I always get excited when you post. I know that I am going to read the hard truth. Just want you to know that I am paying attention.
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Old 06-24-2007, 09:38 AM
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Why is an A like a tarbaby? - so hard to get turned loose from one. You would think it would be just the opposite.
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Old 06-24-2007, 10:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Mr. Christian View Post
GET A LIFE! GET A LIFE!
I agree, Mr. C. I do need a life--a better life than the one I have now. I'm sick of being consumed with him. I'm working on it. I think I need new priorities.

He started texting me at 7ish this morning and he is on a binge. But I was thinking, having contact with one another yesterday must have been as hard for him as it was for me. He has really been texting and wanting to talk, etc. That has happened since the beginning. I haven't responded back, though. It's too painful.

Originally Posted by Mr. Christian View Post
Are you not worth more?
I do not like this question. What you are really asking is are you not worth more to yourself. How do you get to the point where you feel valuable? I mean the problem is two-fold. 1) I grew up hearing that feeling self-worth meant you were a selfish person and 2) being told by an alcoholic for 12 years everything you did wrong and how much they loved you...well, I'm confused on worth.

Maybe I need a life to answer that question?
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Old 06-24-2007, 10:36 AM
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I think we dislike questions that make us examine ourselves.

Being brought up in a way of thinking that if you take care of yourself is being selfish, was a disservice.

So called self worth will come with your independence.

12 years is long time, how many more years do you expect to be on this planet?
How long do you have left?

The choice is yours on how you want to spend that time.
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