Some words of comfort 'please'

Old 05-17-2003, 12:19 AM
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Some words of comfort 'please'

I am in a terrible state this morning, it is 7.30am, I woke up at 6am and couldn't sleep so I got up. My son was arrested last night, he came round for money around 5.30pm teatime yesterday completely off his head he was paraletic. He wanted £40.00 and his dad said no way, he was very abusive and aggressive and started to kick off. An argument started between him and his dad, and I just kept saying to my partner, dont take him on he's drunk, but it really escalated out of control and my son attacked his dad and started booting my doors and smashing my kitchen up. I was frightened somone might get hurt so I rang the police.

The police arrived one officer to begin with and he refused to leave, he said he wasn't leaving until he got this money, so this police woman called for back up and a police van arrived with 4 more police officers, and after calmly trying to get him to leave and he wouldn't, they hand cuffed him and it took 3 officers to get him out kicking and screaming. They threw him in the police van as I watched through the window, it was awful, I'm heartbroken, this was 6pm last night and I've just rung the police this morning and they told me he was charged and he is up in court this morning but they wouldn't tell me what he was charged with.

I dont want to go to the court, I cant face it, his dad doesn't want to go. What if they put him in prison will they let us know. We didn't press any charges so it must be the police that pressed charges, I feel gutted inside. Does anybody ever feel like they just cant go on. I cant fight anymore. I have had enough of life being a struggle, every day I wake up it is a struggle, I feel so down on myself and guilty for ringing the police. My sisters two grown up kids are going to university, I cant bear to tell her whats happened, I dont want pity, I just feel envy that my son and daughter have the problem of alcohol and drug addiction and are struggling in life, and hers go to university, I hate it, I just want to talk to people who understand. My sister is also an alcoholic in recovery (early) and her kids did alright. I need to get all this off my chest. I feel hurt and angry and really pissed off, and full of self pity.

When and if they let him out, he has nothing, his benefits have been stopped, he has no money no food no friends (that would want to help him) a dump where he beds down on his own (you cant call it a home believe me) and I keep getting told to let go. How can I do that. Please Please give me your suggestions.

I'm posting this on alanon and naranon in hope that I get loads of suggestions and some strength to get through today.

Thanks fot listening
Jewel.

Last edited by Jewel; 05-17-2003 at 12:27 AM.
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Old 05-17-2003, 03:16 AM
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**************{Jewel}}}}}}}}

I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, I sure wish I did. I have seen them take my hubby to jail a few times, I've seen him at some very low points in his life. I would say in the beginning, "Why me?" "Why is this happening to me?" "How can I go on?"

I think finally down the road I realized, it wasn't happening to me unless I let it happen to me. These terrible things were happening to him, his life to lead whether good or bad and I had no control over him. I do have control over me though. So I have learned to "detach". I am not perfect at it but over time I have gotten better.

So what I can say, is take care of you. There is nothing you can do to control what your son uses or does. My dad once told me, "God takes care of drunks and children." I believe he does.

I know you are angry and in pain and you have every right to be so. I also know you care what happens to your son but maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe this is the kick he needs to find his way to recovery.

Please take care of you!! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tons of hugs to you!
Love,
Debbie
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Old 05-17-2003, 07:49 AM
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Jewel,

Do not...let me say it again....DO NOT beat yourself up for calling the police. Think about your choices...were there any? He came to your home, damaged property and threatened you. I know I have felt bad for the Beav when my Ward and him have gone at it. That is a hard one...but your son caused this to happen.

Also...he does have a bed. Perhaps it is a dump but he isn't in the street. He has lost his friends due to his own behavior. That is true of the Beav as well. He is alone.

Try to look at this like he is a stranger...because he is right now. I doubt he will go to prison...altho I do not know your laws there. Here, our jails are so full that they continue to give them more and more chances. Probation is was the Beav has always gotten. Now, finally he is facing prison time. After almost 10 years.

Today will be horrible...tommorrow a bit better. And the day after that will be better still. Your son will make all kinds of noice in an effort to make you feel like all of this is your fault. Do not let him know you buy into that even if you do. Fake it. That is his disease talking. That is him not wanting to take responsibilty. Or he will beg your forgiveness and ask for your help.

If you help him out of this it will happen again and again. That is his disease.

Come here every hour if you need too. We are here for you and I for one have been in your shoes. I know exactly how you feel today.

Huge hugs and ton's of prayers,
JT
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Old 05-17-2003, 08:11 AM
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Debbie and JT, Thanks for your replies, I've just had a good cry reading them, I havn't been able to cry until now.

Thanks JT for understanding how I feel today, I am very tired and emotional and hope tomorrow will be better.

Love you
Jewel
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Old 05-17-2003, 08:40 AM
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Hello Jewel.

I guess the courts in the UK are pretty similar to the ones here. Unless he bashed a police officer on the way to jail, or they discovered he was wanted for something else... well... what he did would not merit much punishment over here. Thinking about prison is tying yourself up in knots unecessarily. Warrants, arrests and convictions are a matter of public record in the US. They are always in the newspaper, and you can also call the courts and get the information. Surely it's not so different where you live.

You did the only thing you could do, Jewel. Letting violence escalate can result in events that DO lead to prison. If it were someone else's son you might say he was right where he belongs. Cooling off where he can see what the consequences of his actions might be.

There's no reason you should go to court if you don't want to. But it doesn't do a lot of good to keep your body at home if your mind is in jail with your son. You can do something to get your mind off of it... or you can go (or call) to find out what's going on so you can stop imagining the worst... and then get your mind off of it.

As to your sister's kid's versus yours... maybe you will enjoy these lyrics from
The Fantasticks by Tom Jones, Harvey Schmidt and Michael Ritchie.

PLANT A RADISH

Plant a radish.
Get a radish.
Never any doubt.
That's why I love vegetables;
You know what you're about!

Plant a turnip.
Get a turnip.
Maybe you'll get two.
That's why I love vegetables;
You know that they'll come through!

They're dependable!
They're befriendable!
They're the best pal a parent's ever known!
While with children,
It's bewilderin'.
You don't know until the seed is nearly grown
Just what you've sown.

So
Plant a carrot,
Get a carrot,
Not a Brussels sprout.
That's why I love vegetables.
You know what you're about!

Life is merry,
If it's very
Vegetarian!
A man who plants a garden
Is a very happy man!

Plant a beanstalk.
Get a beanstalk.
Just the same as Jack.
Then if you don't like it,
You can always take it back!

But if your issue
Doesn't kiss you,
Then I wish you luck.
For once you've planted children,
You're absolutely stuck!

Every turnip green!
Every kidney bean!
Every plant grows according to the plot!

While with progeny,
It's hodge-podgenee.
For as soon as you think you know what kind you've got,
It's what they're not!

So
Plant a cabbage.
Get a cabbage.
Not a sauerkraut!
That's why I love vegetables.
You know what you're about!

Life is merry
If it's very
Vegetarian.
A man who plants a garden
Is a very happy man!

A vegitari-
Very merry
Vegetarian!

____
Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 05-17-2003, 08:51 AM
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Jewel,

You never know when the A finally has enough and gets help. My son had a DWI at 17. The pole he hit would have killed him if it feel a little more to the left. One would have thought that it would have been a wake up call. No, not enough for him. He is now 22 and has finally admitted to being an A and is in treatment.

I have been praying for him for years and I have learned that God answers prayers in his time not ours.

I also understand your feeling toward your sister. I have 4 sisters. All of their children are in universtiy or have graduated. One of my niece's is graduating next week with doctorate in psychology. She is 28, try to top that. I tell you this because I have been able to get past that jealousy. I am very proud of my niece's and nephew's. I am also very proud of my son. Actually I am even more proud of my son. He has a disease and has to work very hard to keep it under control. It's not his fault, he was born with it. It takes a very strong person to realize they are an A and do something about it.

I pray that your son comes to the realization that he needs help. I know from experience that when he does you well understand why he had to go through all this crap and you will see how happy he can be.

In the mean time. You really do have to detach. Believe me, I know it is hard. If I had not learned to detach myself I would not have slept in years. Detaching does not mean to stop loving them. I honestly believe that we detach because we do love them and we realize that if we don't we are hurting them and Us.

So go take care of yourself. God will take care of your son!

DMOM
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Old 05-17-2003, 09:25 AM
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Jewel,

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( HUGE HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))

I wish I lived near you so I could just come over and be there with you. There isn't much more for me to add to what the others have said. One thing I do agree with is that you did do the right thing by calling the police. Jewel, you had no other choice. You did what was right so don't dare second guess yourself on that decision.

We all know how much we mothers want to fix all this for our children. But you know from my posts that I'm walking the same road you are.........trying to learn to let them learn for themselves while we try to learn to detach. Oh Jewel, I know, honey, I know.

Just know that you and your son are in my prayers and ya'll will stay there. I'm praying for peace for you, that God will calm your heart and let you know He is in control.

Love you, Jewel,

Hangin' In
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Old 05-18-2003, 04:12 AM
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Thanks everyone, you really have made me smile, thanks smoke for the poem it really made me laugh, dmom thanks for sharing about your sisters, I will have to work on that myself. Hangin thanks for the hugs and loving support, I really felt it. I think you are all wonderful courageus people and feel as though I really know you.

Two days after my son was arrested and charged,I am feeling down, but I am feeling a bit better than I did yesterday. I think Just Tired said on his post to me yesterday that Today would be a bit better, and tomorrow better still, soI am getting there, When I said my prayers this morning I aked god if he would give me a break.

Love you all
Jewel
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Old 05-18-2003, 07:26 AM
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Jewel,

Like I said earlier...come back here and share your feeling with us as often as you need to. If we can make you smile a little in the middle of this our job is done!!

I had to call the police on my son also when he was violent. What was my alternative? Get beat up? When we choose a behavior we also choose a consequence. (Dr Phil)

I Hope it is sunny where you are today!

Hugs,
JT
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Old 05-18-2003, 09:15 PM
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(((((((((Jewel))))))))

As the others have said--you did right by calling the police. You can't have someone acting out violently in your home--you had no choice. He will see that in time, I believe.

Take this time to really do nice things for yourself. Remember--just one day at a time. You can get through this 24 hours, then the next, then the next.

Lyn
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