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Old 06-23-2007, 02:50 PM
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new to this thread area

Hi all

Been posting in other areas regularly but having my own little struggle just now, so thought I'd posthere. I know you guys will all have been through this and worse but I need to vent.

I love my mum with all the love my heart can hold but she is slowly killing herself with alcohol (sh*t thats scary to admit( I am 33 years old and I grew up learning that if something comes along you cant deal with then you drink...yip I know I have a choice but it is a bit like learned behaviour, difference is this behaviour is seriously destructive to me.

Anyways as a kid I had a good childhood, dont really remember when things started to go wrong but sh*t my mum could drink and just as quick her personality would change. I used to come home from school to find her passed out in her own vomit or urine, and try to clean up before dad got home (like he didnt know)

She used to hide whisky bottles in the bin the tumble dryer and even the washing machine, I used to find them and pour them out and man she'd get mad with me, get to the shops get drunk and be reall angry with me. Got hit and stuff. But now she still drinks and I still love her and my dad still with her.

Guess I just need to speak to those who know where I am coming at...

I remember her giving us tea one night *****d as a newt, she served up steak pie veg etc, only prob was she never put any plates down 1st soo the food was served on the table. I dont know how old I was, but now I seem to react the same way to problems, how can I get past this.

Any help appreciated. For those who read other threads I am struggling generally but feel that the tools I was taught was alcohol to deal with anything.

And there is resentment, never ever admitted that but from like 10 this happened in my house, though like I say I canb't remember exactly.

Scared Im gonna be the same.....

Thanks for reading

CW
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Old 06-23-2007, 04:00 PM
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I too learned that alcohol was a coping tool for life's ills and much of what I learned about life came from living in an alcoholic family.

Unpredictability breeds uncertainty and fear.I remember being afraid a lot in my home because I never really knew what I would come home and find. I took much of that fear with me into adulthood and thought that alcohol was the only way I could deal with it.

The important thing now is that you and I know better. We know that there is such a thing as the Adult Child Syndrome and with knowledge we have the power to change it.

Learn as much about the condition and how past experiences may be affecting your life today.Working with a counsellor might help.
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Old 06-23-2007, 05:20 PM
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CW... I'm sorry for what you went through.
And i still don't have all the answers to why life
is like that.

My father is still drinking and he's having healty
problem and all the insanities that comes along with that.
the insanity that was pased on to me.

Yeap..I know that feeling will..i love my father, but I hate
him or the things he's done to me or the way he stills
treats me.
I always told myself as i was growning up. I didn't want to
anything like my father..but I found myself doing the samething.
Luckily I was young enough.

never that less..it hurts and it hurts like hell, when it hits home.
" I can't change anyone except for myself"
it is also that anger that I have, that I use to stay clean and sober. I don't want to be like my father..

i have to do that first..stay clean and sober so i can work
through all these other stuff. Everyday that I stay clean
and sober is everyday I can chalk up as being more and
more different from my father.
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Old 06-24-2007, 08:27 AM
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I recommend reading the stickies at the top of this forum, there's a lot of very useful information there - especially the 13 characteristics sticky. That's a good place to start.

You are not alone, but you are rare - you recognize that you may head down the same path as your mum and you don't want to. Most of the children who grow up in households like ours continue to perpetuate the cycle.

If there is an AlAnon group near where you live, you may want to check it out and see if it works for you. If not, you may want to look into therapy if you can, preferably a therapist who knows about the issues of ACoAs.

And we're always here for you.
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Old 06-26-2007, 08:56 PM
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cyberwolf, my thoughts and prayers go out to you. I grew up with an alcoholic/addict mother and a step-father who beat my mom. I can soo relate to all of you when ya say "I never knew what I was coming home to." My mom also hid her liquor. I found it in all sorts of crazy places...one time in the dishwasher! Of course, I'd pour it out, argue with her, and she'd just go get more

Best wishes
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Old 06-27-2007, 07:58 PM
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Hi Cyberwolf,

I'm sorry that you too have to suffer the agony of loving an alcoholic. No great wisdom from my quarter, just a cyberhug and my best wishes. I grew up in a very similar situation, both parents, and worried the same things: Will they drink themselves to death? Will I end up the same?

I thought it was just fate, karma, something that was out of my control.

It's not.

Now that you have a great role model for what you DON'T want to be like, it will be easier ---IF YOU CHOOSE TO--- to change the course of your life to deal with things differently. It will take a little work to identify the thinking & behaviour patterns that your mum's sh*t has saddled you with, but you are strong enough to figure them out and find another path for yourself.

This is a great place for you to come --- everybody here understands and would be delighted to offer a shoulder, advice, wisdom, ideas, new thoughts, whatever you need in order to move forward. You can't control your mum's alcoholism, but you can control how much of it you allow to leak into your own life.

Love,
GiveLove
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Old 06-29-2007, 05:25 PM
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Greetings,

Here is my little story:

I was brought into this world by 2 alcoholics. The first 7 years of my life I lived with my grandparents, this was an oddity at that time, today, it is very common place. They provided the security and attention I needed.

At 7 I went back to my mother, we lived in one room in the back of a food store she owned. We had no shower or bath tub, and a two burner stove. She was out most every night, then she met this guy who she married, she had a son, we moved to an apartment. Now, they were both out most every night, I closed the store at night and took care of my brother, I was 11 years old, an adult in a childs body. She divorced that man and married a raging alcoholic. I moved in with my Dad at age 15,he had remarried, and they both drank.

At 18 I moved out and never looked back.

My father stopped drinking about 10 years ago, he is a dry drunk. His wife died 8 years ago, she drank herself to death.

My mother still drinks, everyday, she has been drinking for over 60 years, and never will quit, and, never has sought recovery. I have given up on her.

There have been times I did not speak to her, the last time for 10 years, I had to get away from her and her insanity.

I set my bounderies, if she calls drunk, I hang up. If I am with her and she starts on me, I just walk out, no goodbye no nothing. I stick to my bounderies.

I have made many bad choices in men, I believe due to my childhood, what I saw, what I precieved on how to live, but in each case, I was able to dig myself out, wiser and stronger.

Neither my brother or I have ever used drugs or drink to an excess, neither of us have any children, by choice, we just couldn't do it, we were afraid that we wouldn't be good parents based on our history. In that area, neither of us have any regrets.
We both have had successful careers, and funneled our energy into that area.

I have no anamosity towards my parents, I have forgiven them, and have used my childhood as a guidepost, not a hitching post. I keep them both at an arms length away, I say No, when No is the right answer for me.

My mother is soon to be 82 and will die an alcoholic, hows she's lived that long is a mystery to me and I will be at peace when she dies. I have done my part, forged my own life and forgiven her....there is nothing else I can do.

The entire point of this long post is, move forward with your life, accept what you cannot change, and make the right choices for you, we only go around once, and it is up to us to make our life what we want it to be.

Keep posting, lots of great people here, who care.
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