Elana

I think codies are real good at allowing guilt trips to be laid on us as well as laying guilt on others (or trying to).

Let me reirterate this story:
My Mom is 80 and my Dad is 84. Mom's physical health is not so good, while Dad's physical health is very good, his mind is slipping. They just had their 60th wedding anniversary and us "kids" chipped in and gave them a very nice dinner out at a really nice "white cloth" place.

Well, Mom (at the urging of Dad) called us all and want all of us to go.. they are paying (we paid for their meal). Mom says to me, "Well, this may be the last time we all get together..." She has been saying this quite a bit of late.

I said yes, but I feel under duress (is that how that is spelled?) to say yes.

Last night she called and NOW wants to make it a combination celebration with them for their 60th and my Brother and Sister in Law for their 25th anniversary (which is July 4th). This is more pressure.. as it entails a gift etc. Reservations are made and this is next weekend.

On top of this, a friend of mine (a very good friend) announced they are having a last minute graduation party for their son tomorrow (I received this invitation two days ago) and this entails another gift, card, gas to drive there and all the rest.

Normally none of this is a problem BUT June/July are tough months for me in the $$ department. First of all, the fuel contract is due. This is prepaying for all the fuel to heat the house this winter. I get the best price paying this now, up front. The car insurance is due as well and in NY at least, this is not a monor bill.. not as much as the fuel, and I pay it qtrly, but dang!

In addition to this, it is SUMMER. This is a finite situation. I live alone in a large house and I do all the work, from cleaning to yard and garden work, mowing the lawn (push mower for an acre of goround) to repairs and all the rest. I work all week and have obligations 3 nights a week after work. Time is a real premium. There are things I want to do.. that are NOT family things and do NOT cost a lot of money to do.

However, it seems that every time I turn around, someone wants a piece of my time. If I say "No!" they lay on the guilt trip.. and then (in the case of my parents) I do feel guilt because they are old and Mom is right.. how many more times will we be able to do this?

I finally told my Mom last night that I am going to start saying No and to please accept that.. and I went on a guilt trip just saying that!

Geeze loueeze.. I am not sure why I feel so pressured on all this. I can rationalize that it isn't much time etc., but I have to say, I really do not want MY time not at work infringed upon. Maybe I AM just being selfish..

Or, perhaps, because this time of year is filled with large bills and finite amounts of money to pay them, I am feeling out of sorts.

Or maybe it is just that every time I agree tos doing something, and then I do it, "extra" requests are made and I don't LIKE that. I do a LOT for my family.. and friends.. and perhaps I am resenting extra requests because I am alreadyat the wall?

I want to just pack up the car, get the dog and the tent and drive away to solitude for a few days! (I cannot.. I have things here that I must do and some are job related).

I really am feeling out of sorts over all this and I am really struggling with why. Am I just being selfish because I only want to do what I want to do and when I want to do it?

Or is this all the codie in me..

dollydo

Well, I have two elderly parents, both 82, who live in two different states for the summer and come to Florida for the winter. I am an only child to my Dad, I have a 1/2 brother from my Mom's 2nd marriage. He is not very responsive, so the full burden of "them" falls on me. It's no picnic, I am always being pulled in one direction or another.

And to be honest, sometimes I just have to say NO, for my own sanity and well-being.

My Dad wants me to fly to Chicago for my B-Day, no can do, no time, no interest in going, I just said no, he wasn't happy, I believe he has gotten over it...if not, tough
dingleberries.

Even when they are not here, I have to check on their places, start their cars, water their flowers, trim & edge, check their mail...not to mention that my Mom has purchased new furniture twice in the last month, which I had to go pickup and unload at her mobilehome...and, she buys the heaviest stuff, took three of us to unload the last piece, thought we would never get it in the house. I called her and said, that's it, no more, don't buy anymore furniture until you get down here and then have it delivered, I am not Hercules Unchained. She got the message.

They do not understand that the summer is when I get caught up on all my things, that I have put on the back burner when they are here.

To me, you are not being selfish, they just don't get it.

Isn't it amazing how a little 2 letter word can cause so much grief?

tropikgal2

Girl, no... you are not wrong for how you feel and saying no to people. If you dont' have the miney, then you just flat out DON'T HAVE THE MONEY. You did your part at your folks's dinner. Why do you have to bring a gift, anyway?? it's not like these people are newlyweds, just being together with freinds and family should be enough for anyone at that stage in their lives. And the dela with your other friends son's graduation. Just send a card and (if you can afford it, plus if you are REALLY that close to them) a small pre-paid gift card and be done with it. Just tell them that you'd really like to be there, but you had previous obligations that you just now saw on your calendar. You know, that graduating senior will never even notice that you are missing---you know how kids are at that time in life.
These people will GET OVER IT. And if not, oh well. You gotta live your life and take care of your business. It's not like they are going to be paying your bills for you this winter, right?

Elana

Dolly.. do we have the same parents? I guess not.. mine live here FT and are in the same place (Thank Goodness!). I think you are my twin sometimes... LOL

My Brother just painted my parents house and is fixing the carpenter ant damage under the screened in porch (in addition to running his own business full time). I just took Mom out west. I got everyone together on this gift of going out to dinner..

My Mother has been very worried about my sister being over weight (sis is diabetic, grossly obese and has a lot of the resulting health issues). Well, I decided I could lose a few pounds myself and my sister could lose a LOT more.. and she DID on Weight Watchers years back.. So, knowing she would never do this by herself (can you spell sister codie?) I asked her if she would go to WW's with me. I am doing this for me but inviting my sister may gives her a chance to help herself AND my Mom is so pleased we are doing this. IF sis follows thru on the program and loses the weight, it will likely save her life as well as help her self esteem.

Feels like I am doing enough already!

I am thinking I just really resent the ADD ONS to everything I offer to do and that I do.

I make good $$ but it isn't a bottomless pit and I have to pay things every month.. you know the bank will NOT excuse me if I don't pay the mortgage..

Like you.. I get caught up in the summer and I love my time.

I think I will call Mom and explain to her that it isn't the plan to do things, it is the add ons that drive me nutz. I am not sure she will "get it" and I expect her to say, "I am never going to ask again!" (pout pout.. she is the QUEEN of codies.. I mean it.. she has been for her entire life.. and taught us well!). Well, I will have my say and continue to be kind and generous on MY TERMS.

And yes Tropik.. I was washing floors here after posting this and I have decided to blow off the party. They will have a jillion ppl there and tho they will miss me, with all the guests I am sure they won't miss me that much!

I haven't said "tough dingleberries" in years.. I like it and I am going to use that more. I have never had a dingleberry btw.. so I have no idea what a tough one is like. I think it is easier to say that than to "just say NO!"

dollydo

Trying to eat a tough dingleberry is like chewing on a marble, just say NO, could cost you a fortune in caps!

********************************
My Mom tries to lay it on thick too, I just listen and say "Ok, I understand", the next week she's calling me again and asking me to do something or go somewhere, it never ends.

laketime

I Don't Know Too Much About Your Relationship With Your Parents, But Ill Tell You About Mine. My Mother Is Gone Now. She Had 5 Children 3 Girls And Two Boys. My Sisters And Her Were Constantly Playing The Guilt Game. I Didnt Play Along, I Might Possibly Be A Little Selfish, But I Never Understood Their Relationship. I Don't Think It Was Very Healthy For Any Of Them. One Of My Sisters Was Overwelmed With Guilt Upon The Death Of My Mother. She Had To Attend Counseling Because Of It. My Mother Died From Cancer, How She Could Even Begin To Believe She Could Control Those Circumstances Is Beyond Me. Anyway I Think Mother/daughter And Possibly Father/son Realtionships Are More Prone To The Guilt Game Than The Other Way Around. Im Not Sure Why.

krhea75

I am finding that as my mom gets older,she depends on me more. She always wants me around, which is sweet. But with an AS, full -time job and part-time boyfriend, I have trouble doing everything she wants. I do just say no sometimes, but I admit i give in more than I want. I understand your conflict of being pulled in so many ways. I think your presence without a gift is okay, really don't we all have too much anyway? I understand the struggle for money as a single mom. I tend to want to give more than is necessary. I have to put on the brakes on my heart. I am not responsible for others happiness. Neither are you. You are responsible for yourself. Be strong.
krhea

cmc

Elana,
When I have to say 'no' I tell myself all the things that I'm saying 'yes' to by refusing this request. You did that in your posts when you listed all the reasons and things you need to do. You could have even added more things that you just 'want' to do for yourself; you work hard and have alot of responsibilities of your own.
Alot of people were so used to me always saying yes that I found it easy to slip into explaining to them the why's and reasons for not doing things. I don't do that anymore. Yesterday somebody who is very negative and brings me down wanted me to go out for a meal. When I said I was busy, she asked with what. I gave one 'reason' to be polite and then stood my ground and said "It's just not working for me today." Every time I do that I gain more respect from others, which isn't my reason for doing it but is a nice benefit. Yep...tough dingleberries.