Please help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 13
Please help
i am ashamed to be honest with anyone who reads this - i know if i'm not you can't offer me the help i so desperately need - please try and not judge me too harshly - i am not a horrible monster although my actions may seem to differ. First of all, I am not an addict but i am in love with one. His name is "d" and we met almost 3 years ago, he is married with children as am i. we became friends and yes we crossed a line that never should have been crossed - he told me pretty much from the start about his addiction history - he has been fighting cocaine/alcohol addiction for 15+ years - he was sober when i first met him for about 8 months - after about 8-9 months he started telling me he was having thoughts of using again - in my own naive state i thought i could help him - i encouraged him to go to meetings, talk with someone from the program, talk to his family, he always told me he could handle it but in the end - he ended up using and after several months was put into an inpatient facility for two weeks. He came out, went into outpatient therapy, we stayed apart for several months and then found our way back again - He always told me how much he loved me and how the only happiness he had was when he was with me - i know, i know but i wanted to believe him so badly. I was ready to leave my husband for this man. He has alot in his life right now to add stress to an already stressful life - alot of financial and personal conflict going on right now - in short, today he totally shut down on me for no apparent reason - when i pushed him on it he simply told me to "walk away" - when i asked why - he stated that he had "thoughts about using again" - the last time he was hospitalized he was told by the doctor that if he used again based on the levels of cocaine that remained in his system for so long he would very well end up dead - i am so afraid for him - i don't believe that as of this minute he has used yet but by him voiceing those words to me i feel that it was a cry for help - what do i do? do i walk away and just pray that he pulls himself together before he takes that first step or should i contact his family (a brother) and tell him in confidence that i am a friend and am very concerned because "d" voiced thoughts about using again. i know i shouldn't be involved but i am - i would never forgive myself if anything happened to him and i could have maybe got him some help before hand. please help me with this decision.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by peapods 
i would never forgive myself if anything happened to him and i could have maybe got him some help before hand. please help me with this decision.
you CAN'T stop it.
you Can't cure it.
What he does is his choice. You can not stop him if that is what he wants to do.
I would think his telling you to go away may not have anything to do with drugs. May have more to do with guilt and shame and he is using the drug story as a way to stop his poor behavior. So many times the other girl...you in this case... gets thrown to the side when the guy realizes he was wrong to cheat on his wife. Lots of other things go into such a choice and it isn't always him doing right. Many times it is a selfish choice...The known old ways with the wife vs what is thought to be greener grass. The old known ways are less effort.
As I was reading what you posted...my first thought... another victim of addiction has been taken hold of.
The best thing I think you can do right now... Read the posts that say "sticky" beside them at the top of the forum and start looking for some Nar Anon or Al Anon meetings so you will better understand what is what as far as addictions go...so you can save yourself from getting pulled in all the deeper.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
See he has you feeling responsible for his choices that is defiantly something an addict would do.
Something us codies seem pretty good at doing is thinking we have to take over for God and fix the addict in our lives.
Everyone has freewill and he can choose to seek the kind of help that will get him clean anytime he feels ready. Maybe if he has no one to turn to with this he will seek help.
If he has been using for 15 years I am almost certain it is not a secret to his family...
Something us codies seem pretty good at doing is thinking we have to take over for God and fix the addict in our lives.
Everyone has freewill and he can choose to seek the kind of help that will get him clean anytime he feels ready. Maybe if he has no one to turn to with this he will seek help.
If he has been using for 15 years I am almost certain it is not a secret to his family...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
I am sorry you are going through this peapods, but I must be honest and blunt. You do not want anything to do with this man when you have children. You should get very educated on addiction, and think about your kids. Getting ready to leave your husband for this man with an addiction so bad he could "wind up dead" as per the Doctor's advice is not something you want in your life OR your childrens lives.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
My reaction to your post:Focus on yourself, your kids and your own husband. Take your own inventory and learn why you need to have this drama and excitement and distraction from your homelife. This sounds like a good time to end the affair.Think about it. You were willing to break up your kids home and take them to live with an addict. Get .yourself some help, i.e. counseling Here is another time to remember the SERENITY prayer
God Grant me the serenity to change the things I can. Let this thing die down and get reacquainted romantically with your husband.
God Grant me the serenity to change the things I can. Let this thing die down and get reacquainted romantically with your husband.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I have to add. When I was in my mid 20s I left a marriage (thankfully I had no kids)
for a man who had a problem with drugs. WORST mistake I EVER made in my entire life. I already had a Masters degree at that time and was a intellecual woman but oh so stupid. I mistook the affair for excitement when really it was just escapism and sex.
for a man who had a problem with drugs. WORST mistake I EVER made in my entire life. I already had a Masters degree at that time and was a intellecual woman but oh so stupid. I mistook the affair for excitement when really it was just escapism and sex.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
I at one time was the one to break up a relationship thinking I could change him he would NEVER choose me over drugs and I was so much better than his daughters mom. Guess what he still used but instead he dragged me through the mud told me his lies made me believe what he said blah blah blah blah....... LIES ALL LIES
I couldnt make him clean I couldnt make him not use I couldnt change his mind I couldnt change him......... Thats an addict they do what they want and dont care who they hurt in the end....
If I were u listen to what he said and realize u are in a relationship that is unhealthy its more of a rescuer and rescuee and u cant rescue him only he can do that. Dont waste your time if he wants to use there is NOTHING u can do to stop him leaving your husband and family nope that wont keep him clean either. If he wants to he will if he dont he wont. Nothing u can do.....
I couldnt make him clean I couldnt make him not use I couldnt change his mind I couldnt change him......... Thats an addict they do what they want and dont care who they hurt in the end....
If I were u listen to what he said and realize u are in a relationship that is unhealthy its more of a rescuer and rescuee and u cant rescue him only he can do that. Dont waste your time if he wants to use there is NOTHING u can do to stop him leaving your husband and family nope that wont keep him clean either. If he wants to he will if he dont he wont. Nothing u can do.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
i agree with everyone --- let go of him-not YOUR problem- and RUN to the nearest counselor you can find..get some help quickly..you are about to make the biggest mistake of your entire life and you will destroy your kids lives--can you live with that????
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
what everyone else said.
But I am going to add this:
I was cheated on. I truly loved the man who did this and I did everything to make for a good life for us and I treated him very very well, as well as being very nice to him and loving. He STILL needed to cheat. He is a drug addict. When I found out he was cheating.. and he had a long history of doing so.. I felt so violated. I met his cheating GF once. If I had known then what I know now.. well I won't go there...
It is NO ONE's business to "rescue" someone from a bad marriage or relationship. It is NO ONE's right to "cheat" because they are IN a bad relationship. End one before beginning another because SOMEONE is going to get hurt.
If a man (or woman) will cheat with you, a day will come when he will cheat on you.
Your extramarital affiar, and his, will someday hurt a LOT of people (your kids, his kids, and both your spouses), as will his addiction.
If that is judgemental, I am sorry. The pain I suffered at the hands of my cheating X boy friend I did not deserve. Period.
Addicts lie. Period. I believed my X addict boy Friend. Upon discovering his drug use, the extent of which still amazes me, I was taken aback. Subsequent to his leaving I also found out about the cheating and the extent of his lies which to this day STILL leave me shaking my head. The fact that I believed all those lies has me shaking my head over ME.
So, as others have said here, this guy is an ADDICT. He is a USER. He is a LIAR (he has to lie to his wife to be with you if nothing else.. and once that starts it simply escalates).
Take the focus off him and leave him alone. PUT the focus ON you. If your marraige is not working, try to think WHY. TALK to your spouse about it. If it cannot be salvaged, then figure out what you are going to do and how WITHOUT another man. Find out who you are and take care of YOU.
Meanwhile, this guy.. you Addict BF.. should be working on HIM SELF and HIS recovery.
You each have a tough row to hoe and you need to do your own row, not his.
But I am going to add this:
I was cheated on. I truly loved the man who did this and I did everything to make for a good life for us and I treated him very very well, as well as being very nice to him and loving. He STILL needed to cheat. He is a drug addict. When I found out he was cheating.. and he had a long history of doing so.. I felt so violated. I met his cheating GF once. If I had known then what I know now.. well I won't go there...
It is NO ONE's business to "rescue" someone from a bad marriage or relationship. It is NO ONE's right to "cheat" because they are IN a bad relationship. End one before beginning another because SOMEONE is going to get hurt.
If a man (or woman) will cheat with you, a day will come when he will cheat on you.
Your extramarital affiar, and his, will someday hurt a LOT of people (your kids, his kids, and both your spouses), as will his addiction.
If that is judgemental, I am sorry. The pain I suffered at the hands of my cheating X boy friend I did not deserve. Period.
Addicts lie. Period. I believed my X addict boy Friend. Upon discovering his drug use, the extent of which still amazes me, I was taken aback. Subsequent to his leaving I also found out about the cheating and the extent of his lies which to this day STILL leave me shaking my head. The fact that I believed all those lies has me shaking my head over ME.
So, as others have said here, this guy is an ADDICT. He is a USER. He is a LIAR (he has to lie to his wife to be with you if nothing else.. and once that starts it simply escalates).
Take the focus off him and leave him alone. PUT the focus ON you. If your marraige is not working, try to think WHY. TALK to your spouse about it. If it cannot be salvaged, then figure out what you are going to do and how WITHOUT another man. Find out who you are and take care of YOU.
Meanwhile, this guy.. you Addict BF.. should be working on HIM SELF and HIS recovery.
You each have a tough row to hoe and you need to do your own row, not his.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Peapods.
As I read your post I can feel your pain, but I can also see a painful relationship that has no possible positive outcome. He's married and so are you...that alone brings potential for pain and disaster. That's not judgement, that's just how it is in that kind of relationship. Add to that the ingredient of his addiction and the only possible outcome is ugly for both of you and your families too.
I don't know what your relationship with your husband is, but I do know that we can't run from our problems. We need to face them head on and walk through the pain and then we can heal and move forward. If your marriage is salvageable, then give it all you've got and maybe you can find what you are looking for. If it is beyond repair, then perhaps moving on and working on healing your own wounds might help you make better choices next time.
These may not be the words you hoped to hear, but I promise you that they are honest and from my heart and if they hurt it's because I care enough to tell it straight up.
I'm glad you joined us and hope you'll stick around. Our load gets lighter when we share it here.
Hugs
As I read your post I can feel your pain, but I can also see a painful relationship that has no possible positive outcome. He's married and so are you...that alone brings potential for pain and disaster. That's not judgement, that's just how it is in that kind of relationship. Add to that the ingredient of his addiction and the only possible outcome is ugly for both of you and your families too.
I don't know what your relationship with your husband is, but I do know that we can't run from our problems. We need to face them head on and walk through the pain and then we can heal and move forward. If your marriage is salvageable, then give it all you've got and maybe you can find what you are looking for. If it is beyond repair, then perhaps moving on and working on healing your own wounds might help you make better choices next time.
These may not be the words you hoped to hear, but I promise you that they are honest and from my heart and if they hurt it's because I care enough to tell it straight up.
I'm glad you joined us and hope you'll stick around. Our load gets lighter when we share it here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
HI Peapods,
I totally agree with everyone else. You need to educate yourself on addiction and co-dependency. Part of the symptoms of this man's addiction is his affair with you. Cokeheads are notorious for cheating and having a sex cross-addiction. His cheating on his wife with you is just indicative of the type of life that awaits of ryou if you stay involved with him.
Also, sounds like you could really really use some therapy for your own life/relationship as well. Women rarely cheat merely for sex alone (as oftentimes men do), women usually cheat because their emotional needs are not being met, or other similar reasons.
Good Luck and I hope you get this sorted out.
I totally agree with everyone else. You need to educate yourself on addiction and co-dependency. Part of the symptoms of this man's addiction is his affair with you. Cokeheads are notorious for cheating and having a sex cross-addiction. His cheating on his wife with you is just indicative of the type of life that awaits of ryou if you stay involved with him.
Also, sounds like you could really really use some therapy for your own life/relationship as well. Women rarely cheat merely for sex alone (as oftentimes men do), women usually cheat because their emotional needs are not being met, or other similar reasons.
Good Luck and I hope you get this sorted out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R., you have come to the right place to get help for YOU. there is not a thing your can do for your boyfriend.there is NOTHING anyone else can do.let go or get dragged.an addict is going to use no matter who or what is against it.that is what addicts do.someone ahead of me told you to read all the stickys at the top of the forum,read them and all the other post. it is a long hard road for an addict & any one involved with one.they are the only one who can help & they are always an addict.it is his problem & only he can "fix" it.let go,focus on yourself & what is good for you,your children & your husband.i am sure this is not what you want to hear. keep coming back, my prayers are for him,his family,you & yours,hope
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Whether he does drugs or not, this relationship has no future, only a past.
He is responsible for his addiction, you are not, hands off the addict.
Move on with your life, it is the only answer.
He is responsible for his addiction, you are not, hands off the addict.
Move on with your life, it is the only answer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 13
In awe of your support..
Thank you to each and everyone of you who took the time to reply to my post - i'm sitting at my computer crying because not one of you bashed me for my actions. I am so ashamed of what i have allowed to happen for the past 2+ years - I was raised with morals and somewhere along the way they got lost - I did fall in love with the man - and I believed with all my heart that he fell in love with me too. He always told me he was an addict, he lied, thats what he did. He never "wanted to hurt me" - our connection was more "emotional than physical" in so many ways...these are just an inkling of what he told me - what finally made me seek help was the other day he told me "when he was with me it was the only time and place where his troubles completely went away." that statement screamed fantasy to me - not reality - i told him i was in this for real and i didn't want to just be a place of escape for him - two days later i was told to "walk away - he was having thoughts of using again - " when i was reading everyones posts amazingly they were all of the same thought....amazing to ME because i guess i didn't want to hear the truth - i'm still clinging to the thought that he truly does love me and that we were meant to be together and we could fight this demon together - blah, blah, blah, you wouldn't know it but i am a fairly intelligent woman and yet i actually just wrote all that garbage....for those who recommended therapy - did that , last year also had to start taking prozac once a day (never in my 42 years have i needed an antidepressant..) therapist told me i was a classic codependent - she actually cried during one of our sessions because she was so "worried for me." I must be pretty pathetic to make a professional therapist cry. I will do my very best (all i can promise to myself at this point) to walk away - or run away, I guess would be better and focus more on MY life and sorting through MY problems. I have to admit its so hard because he is never off my mind or out of my heart. Lastly, I would like to apologize for any woman/man out there who has been hurt by a "third party" - I am the "third party" and I hate myself every day for being who I am.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by peapods
Lastly, I would like to apologize for any woman/man out there who has been hurt by a "third party" - I am the "third party" and I hate myself every day for being who I am.
No need to hate yourself, you're not a bad person you are a sick person, a codependent who has made bad choices. Codependents make bad choices a lot.
Maybe take time to brush yourself off, and keep yourself so occupied in your own recovery that you will find it easier not to obsess about him.
Make a plan, that helps. Maybe go to a meeting, buy "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie because it's a book that tells us all about us and why we are how we are...most of us swear by it.
Take a walk, have a summer picnic with your family, find a hobby and throw yourself into it, maybe just take some quiet time all for you.
Hope it gets better soon, you seem to see clearly the direction that will help you most.
Hugs
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Oh Peapod.... (((hugs)))
Been there, done that... got burned.
I wasn't married at the time, but he was. With new babies in his life and a wife who SO desperately needed him. But where was he? Out chasing me. Doing things that made me feel special and unique and needed and wanted and loved. Things his wife deserved and needed.
He was (and still is, I think) an alcoholic... a charmer. A rake. Handsome. Captivating.
I had NEVER been treated so well. I had NEVER been "wooed" or "chased" or NEEDED. It is a heady feeling.
But it isn't "real"... as you are finding out. The minute you start trying to pin him down to real commitment.... real actions - suddenly, crap starts happening.
In the years since my affair with him, I have discovered many things about myself. I know that I am desireable... and that being desireable is not a factor of how much I weigh or how tall I am or what color is my skin... but is more of an attitude of self confidence.
Ann is right (she often is... smile).
Why not focus on some counseling around your issues with self-esteem, confidence and strength? Figuring out how NOT to need others to determine your self-worth. Fill up every spare moment.
That can have 2 outcomes - you become stronger... and you stay away from him.
Mavis was very direct and I agree with her. Bringing that man's addiction around your children is wrong. His pain and struggles are not THEIR path... they deserve better.
So do you.
((((Peapods))))
Been there, done that... got burned.
I wasn't married at the time, but he was. With new babies in his life and a wife who SO desperately needed him. But where was he? Out chasing me. Doing things that made me feel special and unique and needed and wanted and loved. Things his wife deserved and needed.
He was (and still is, I think) an alcoholic... a charmer. A rake. Handsome. Captivating.
I had NEVER been treated so well. I had NEVER been "wooed" or "chased" or NEEDED. It is a heady feeling.
But it isn't "real"... as you are finding out. The minute you start trying to pin him down to real commitment.... real actions - suddenly, crap starts happening.
In the years since my affair with him, I have discovered many things about myself. I know that I am desireable... and that being desireable is not a factor of how much I weigh or how tall I am or what color is my skin... but is more of an attitude of self confidence.
Ann is right (she often is... smile).
Why not focus on some counseling around your issues with self-esteem, confidence and strength? Figuring out how NOT to need others to determine your self-worth. Fill up every spare moment.
That can have 2 outcomes - you become stronger... and you stay away from him.
Mavis was very direct and I agree with her. Bringing that man's addiction around your children is wrong. His pain and struggles are not THEIR path... they deserve better.
So do you.
((((Peapods))))
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
PeaPod-it is obvious you are a smart woman. Perhaps now is the time to act with your head and not your heart. It is obvious "you get it" We've all been there done that when it comes to making decisions that go against our moral core. But you have the opportunity to cut your losses early in this thing, unlike myself who married the guy I had an affair with (he wasn't married/ I was) and then later had to divorce him after having a child with him that is now an addict. Bet your kids could use some more "mommy" time. Can that be your focus just for today? You can look back at this and remember the "warm fuzzy feeling" and say wow that was a close call.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Do not hate yourself. That is counter productive. Look at your actions and dislike what you have done, but hating yourself is simply the WRONG thing to do.
We do things that are wrong. We ALL do. The trick is to see that they are wrong and cease doing them and then not repeat that mistake again.. and, in the process, forgive ourselves for being human and having human failings.
We do things that are wrong. We ALL do. The trick is to see that they are wrong and cease doing them and then not repeat that mistake again.. and, in the process, forgive ourselves for being human and having human failings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Peapod, don't feel ashamed. Any one could be a third person. We all have real problems and none of us here are perfect 
Hey if it makes you feel any better, I was one long ago. Does it matter now? No. Did I know it was wrong? Yes. Did I learn from it now? Yes, and that is the main thing. I am glad you are posting and trying to re-organize your life. Bieng a codie is a pretty hard thing to shake, "I Know" but day by day is all we can do. There are some really good books out there by Melodie Beatie. I highly recomend her ( if you haven't bought some already.) keep posting. There is far more here about "codie" issues that I have found anywere else, and the best part is a whole bunch of great people on this site.
Hey if it makes you feel any better, I was one long ago. Does it matter now? No. Did I know it was wrong? Yes. Did I learn from it now? Yes, and that is the main thing. I am glad you are posting and trying to re-organize your life. Bieng a codie is a pretty hard thing to shake, "I Know" but day by day is all we can do. There are some really good books out there by Melodie Beatie. I highly recomend her ( if you haven't bought some already.) keep posting. There is far more here about "codie" issues that I have found anywere else, and the best part is a whole bunch of great people on this site.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Iowa
Posts: 54
You are not pathetic, you have a good theripist that cares about you and wants to help, so many so called professionals are it for the money, my doctor is like this, she did all she could to get me on the right meds. for anxiety and depression she's like this with everyone, people have even called her after hours for help. so stick with your therapist. prayers to you.
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