thinkmink

My AH and I have been seperated for about 5 weeks. His emotions have been quite the rollercoaster. I have been at my mom's trying to get space, clarity, and healing. Last week he said that he was going to go to AA. He quit drinking on Sunday (again). He has been seeing a therapist who deals with domestic abuse as well as addiction issues. His counselor recommends thta he he go to AA and also to a men against violence group. He is now saying that he will conser the men's group but he doesn't want to go to AA. He says that he also thinks he needs to deal with his self-hatred and self-esteem issues. (I think that he does have self-esteem issues too). I see he wants to make progress, but I am reluctant to go home. First of all, it has only been less than a week for him to totally change his mind about AA. Second, he's only considering the men's group. He hasn't actually attended any meetings. Thirdly, he said he would "allow" me to stay at my mom's for another week but then he thinks I should come home. ("Allow"? Please...that's not his decision to make). Fourthly, I just realized that he has been telling me he has resented me for YEARS now. Right now he has been saying he resents me because I won't come home. But when I was home, he resented me because I "don't work" (I stay home to take care of our two year old, believe me...I work) Before we had the baby, I worked and he resented me then too. So me coming home will solve the resentment issue(??)...DOUBT IT!!!!!! I keep telling him if I felt my home was a healthier environment than my mother's house...then I would be there instead of here. I am happy he has quit drinking. That's great! I am also happy that he is seeing a therapist. That's great too! Am I ready to go home? NO! He says now that he sees that he has been getting away with a lot of stuff he shouldn't have and he knows that he can't act that way anymore. As much as my heart wants to believe that I can go home, I am just not ready. Plus when little slips like him telling me he will "allow" me to stay at my mother's house or a sudden aversion to AA just shoots up a red flag for me. I need to see and experience change, not just talk about plans for change. The plans are nice, I just need to see it in motion. Sometimes I get a pang of guilt about it, but I just can't help but think that if I go back too soon that it will just be setting up for disaster. I want to be supportive and I do try. When he said that he wasn't going to go to AA afterall, I only asked him why. I didn't tell him he should or anything like that. I also have applauded him for not drinking and to continue to go to his therapist. I am giving him to dignity to make his own choices, just as I should have the freedom to make the choices that are best for me. I can't dictate to him how or when he should heal. I can only do what I feel is best for myself. And right now that is still needing space from my AH.

CE Girl

Hey ThinkMink,

For me, what you describe is the "doosy doo"

I KNEW what I wanted to do, but the "twisting" my A could intsill in me, kept me in circles,,,

I do know one thing, if he thought he was giving me "permission" to feel, think, act a certain way. I'd do JUST THE OPPOSITE,,But then again, I'm a native renegade,,,,lol

I've learned I need to go with my gut. Well, at first I thought it was my gut, but it really was my spirits (HP) guiding me. I just had to listen to them instead of him.

It sounds like you are getting some perpective while staying at your mom's.

I found that too after I left my A, but I really didn't get any "peace" until I put in more boundary's. I stopped talking to him and seeing him, so I wouldn't have to dance,,

I'm a hippie, we SUCK at doosy doo's

((((((((ThinkMink))))) Your doing good

Peace

prodigal

tm, you sound great! You are doing what is right for you and are taking his quacking for what it is - trying to manipulate you to come back home. Behaviors, behaviors, behaviors. He's doing just enough to convince you (and himself) that he's going to straighten up. Tell him what you expect of him before you'll return home. If he starts carrying on, stand firm and end the conversation. If he's sincere about getting sober, he'll SHOW you through his actions.

I agree - MAJOR red flags with his sudden aversion to AA. Everytime my AH stopped going to AA, he was back to drinking within 5 days. A's who want sobriety on their own terms - I don't think it works that way.

Cynay

Sounds good ... and you should stay at your Mom's if that is where you need to be. Please remember what it took, what you went through.... the emotions the pain, guilt all the struggles that it took to make the decision to leave..... Going back without seeing change over time and in action is setting yourself up to go through that and more if you have to leave a second time.

I have to give you propts too .... great work on seeing those red flags and acting on them.... way cool to see recovery in progress.

PaddyCake

Thinkmink~

You are so strong! I think it is great that you know what to do to keep yourself healthy (i.e. staying at your mother's house). You said "I am giving him to dignity to make his own choices, just as I should have the freedom to make the choices that are best for me" That is so true! It is great that you can see through his controling behavior and make decisions that are best for YOU!

Live

Yep, Bravo! You may feel awhirl but it sound to me like you have your head on good and straight! Right on!

thinkmink

Thanks for the love and support!!! (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
btw-
the whirling comment is in reference to some al-anon literature. When asked what to do about the whirling dervishes, the reply was, "let them whirl".

ARealLady

"I need to see and experience change, not just talk about plans for change. The plans are nice, I just need to see it in motion."

You hit the nail on the head, thinkmink! My ABF has always had plans and, in a prolonged sober state, every single plan could have come to fruition. His usual reason for not carrying through on the short-term plans is....you guessed!....lack of money. Wonder why!! The long-term plans are just booze-induced dreams I now realize...and it gets boring listening to him. Thank heavens he is long-distance. (I send my phone to voice mail after certain times of the day.)

"if I felt my home was a healthier environment than my mother's house...then I would be there instead of here."

Exactly! That's why I am so glad I am here in my space with my life until he finally sees that the only solution to the problem is ACTION and that means committing to sobriety and a lifetime of AA meetings.

Stick to your boundaries. They look good on you and help all of us remember why we had enough!

ARL

thinkmink

Talked to my AH this morning. I might have made a mistake. What I said was:

"I am really glad that you are in therapy. I think that's great. I just wanted to say that part of therapy is heading the advice."

Does that count as telling him what to do? It certainly did upset him. He told me I was telling him what to do. I didn't think thta I was telling him what to do, but maybe I am wrong.

denny57

I'm grateful my therapist doesn't give me advice - she is helping me think for myself. I would have stopped at "I think that's great."

ARealLady

"He told me I was telling him what to do. "

Nowhere in your comments to him do I see you as telling him what to do. You supported his therapy and you stated an opinion. Of course he will take offence because "heeding the advice" to him means he has to stop drinking and there it is....you are telling him what to do. I hear the same sort of stuff, thinkmink. I get "Have you finished with your lecture?" and "Can we stop talking about this so this phone call ends on a good note?" Co-existing with any -ism means that the enabler constantly feels as if he/she is walking on eggshells when the A is around. You question what you say because you get blamed for how they feel. You aren't responsible for how he feels. If you believe you have something important to say then say it. That is the way the rest of the world works!

"I just wanted to say that part of therapy is heading the advice"

Therapists do not give advice. They help you find the path which is best for you through asking yourself questions. A therapist might help your H think about his addiction but until your H decides he is going to be sober even the therapist will be seen as an enemy and somebody else who is "telling him what to do".

ARL