The Addict's Poem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
The Addict's Poem
I just wanted to share something with each of you. My husband is the addict in my life. He is addicted to crack, but is also and alcoholic. He manages to control his habits to the point that we still live well-we are not losing everything, he keeps his job, and from the outside appears "normal".
My battle with him is mostly about money (because I handle all the finances and although I am able to pay the bills with what he brings home, I would also like to save for the future and have some of the finer things every once in a while) and about the way he treats me when he's not sober (he gets extremely verbally abusive and he lies something terrible). I know in my heart that he has never and will never cheat on me, and I truly believe he wants to be free from his addiction. Yes, I see the manipulation he so often uses, but I also see the sincerity about becoming a better man for his family and himself. He tries so hard, but sometimes the old self rears it's ugly head.
Anyway, I wanted to share this with you, because it made me feel a little better, for some reason and maybe it can make you feel better too. He wrote me this poem last night. This after he said he was on his way home at 4:30 but didn't make it home until 8:30, all the while leading me to believe he was on his way. Of course, I knew he was drinking and knew he'd eventually come home, but the lying just really gets to me-you know? It's all part of the addiction...
Roses are red
Violets are blue
And I love you
I want to be
Your perfect man
But I am what I am
I tried to be that man
And instead a liar I am
I try and try to be
That man and one day
You will know this man
And when you do
I’ll be true
And I will
Still love you
I love you and I’m in love with you and I want you to love me for me and if you can’t I hope that you won’t hurt me too bad because I will always forever love you and I hate to see you unhappy.
My battle with him is mostly about money (because I handle all the finances and although I am able to pay the bills with what he brings home, I would also like to save for the future and have some of the finer things every once in a while) and about the way he treats me when he's not sober (he gets extremely verbally abusive and he lies something terrible). I know in my heart that he has never and will never cheat on me, and I truly believe he wants to be free from his addiction. Yes, I see the manipulation he so often uses, but I also see the sincerity about becoming a better man for his family and himself. He tries so hard, but sometimes the old self rears it's ugly head.
Anyway, I wanted to share this with you, because it made me feel a little better, for some reason and maybe it can make you feel better too. He wrote me this poem last night. This after he said he was on his way home at 4:30 but didn't make it home until 8:30, all the while leading me to believe he was on his way. Of course, I knew he was drinking and knew he'd eventually come home, but the lying just really gets to me-you know? It's all part of the addiction...
Roses are red
Violets are blue
And I love you
I want to be
Your perfect man
But I am what I am
I tried to be that man
And instead a liar I am
I try and try to be
That man and one day
You will know this man
And when you do
I’ll be true
And I will
Still love you
I love you and I’m in love with you and I want you to love me for me and if you can’t I hope that you won’t hurt me too bad because I will always forever love you and I hate to see you unhappy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Wow - I think you are writing about my life... only for my boyfriend it's pills and alcohol, with some occasional cocaine.
When I complain about not being able to pay the bills, all I care about is money.
When we can't pay the bills, why didn't I manage the money better.
How many times have I heard, "I'm just going out for one beer - I'll be home in an hour." Or, "I've only had two - what's your problem?" after I just watched him drink 8.
My boyfriend could have written that poem. He has said EXACTLY those things time and time again. And yes - I do believe he truly wants to be the man he says he does. But his addiction has hold, and he can't.
I had him committed to a Department of Correction run treatment facility on Monday. He's miserable that he is where he is, but has all but thanked me for doing what I did. It was awful - I had to give testimony and provide proof he was a danger to himself or others. Having to tell a stranger the person you love is dangerous is an awful feeling. You want them to know, to believe, as you do, that he is a wonderful, sincere man... which he is - when he's sober.
I had to bring a warrant to the police and tell them where my boyfriend was so they could chain him up and bring him in. I had to watch as he walked into the courtroom in ankle chains and handcuffs. I had to watch his face as he listed to the court psychologist read my testimoney for the whole world to hear. And then I had to hear him try to defend himself by destroying my character in front of the judge and courtroom.
It was the hardest thing I have ever, and probably will ever, have to do in my life. I told him that I loved him enough to do anything for him - and I meant it. I petitioned a judge to lock him up to save him from himself....
Right now, I think things are going to be ok. He seems to appreciate that I wanted to get help - he just wants me to send him to a private program instead of the "prison" he's in. But he wants the help.
Good luck with your husband.... I hope he gets the help he needs - and hopefully wants.
When I complain about not being able to pay the bills, all I care about is money.
When we can't pay the bills, why didn't I manage the money better.
How many times have I heard, "I'm just going out for one beer - I'll be home in an hour." Or, "I've only had two - what's your problem?" after I just watched him drink 8.
My boyfriend could have written that poem. He has said EXACTLY those things time and time again. And yes - I do believe he truly wants to be the man he says he does. But his addiction has hold, and he can't.
I had him committed to a Department of Correction run treatment facility on Monday. He's miserable that he is where he is, but has all but thanked me for doing what I did. It was awful - I had to give testimony and provide proof he was a danger to himself or others. Having to tell a stranger the person you love is dangerous is an awful feeling. You want them to know, to believe, as you do, that he is a wonderful, sincere man... which he is - when he's sober.
I had to bring a warrant to the police and tell them where my boyfriend was so they could chain him up and bring him in. I had to watch as he walked into the courtroom in ankle chains and handcuffs. I had to watch his face as he listed to the court psychologist read my testimoney for the whole world to hear. And then I had to hear him try to defend himself by destroying my character in front of the judge and courtroom.
It was the hardest thing I have ever, and probably will ever, have to do in my life. I told him that I loved him enough to do anything for him - and I meant it. I petitioned a judge to lock him up to save him from himself....
Right now, I think things are going to be ok. He seems to appreciate that I wanted to get help - he just wants me to send him to a private program instead of the "prison" he's in. But he wants the help.
Good luck with your husband.... I hope he gets the help he needs - and hopefully wants.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Thank you for your response. It's hard to read, but I know you are right.
I do think though that he is ready - and I know that he has to be the one to make the most of the treatment. Right now he's in sort of a "holding" - he has finished detox, but hasn't yet started programming, so he's convinced they aren't helping him. Knowing him, once he starts going to groups he will seize the opportunity. That's the type of guy he was before he got hooked. And it's the guy he's told me over and over that he wants to be again.
I know I need to keep an open mind about his addiction - but I also know that I need to keep hope.
Thank you
I do think though that he is ready - and I know that he has to be the one to make the most of the treatment. Right now he's in sort of a "holding" - he has finished detox, but hasn't yet started programming, so he's convinced they aren't helping him. Knowing him, once he starts going to groups he will seize the opportunity. That's the type of guy he was before he got hooked. And it's the guy he's told me over and over that he wants to be again.
I know I need to keep an open mind about his addiction - but I also know that I need to keep hope.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
just sending prayers for all of us with an addict in our life.there is hope, there are miracles & there is another way of life. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, courage to change the things i can & wisdom to know the difference.
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