Mavis

I talked to and old friend I have know since I was 12. He knew I had left AH through e-mail. He responded back and asked if I had any thoughts on getting back together with AH and I responded honestly. I said "I do not know what the future holds". Maybe, maybe not. But he's in a 12 step program and I am working on myself right now.
I some how struggle with my one shoulder saying "It is your duty to be married to that Man" That shoulder taunts me daily with reminders of making my bed (I don't know why) and thinking AH just may be as good as it get's. Then the other shoulder smacks him.

My friend phoned me very quickly after I sent that e-mail. He was very blunt and told me "Do not get back into that relationship." He said "If AH is now 36 and still cannot figure out what it is in life that he needs then he never will." He told me
"If You go back into that relationship you will be babysitting that Man until you are once again unhappy, emotionally exausted and unloved. Eventually you will wind up divorced after yet another try."

My friend tried to get a handle on me and think with my head and not my heart. And you know, I was never once upset at this. Is he right? He very well could be. I honestly do not have positive thoughts about AH and I together and it very well could be true if I wind we wind up back together.

I'm having a hard time with letting AH be ..
We talk everyday and of course I would love to get back together if the magic fairly lady came around and poofed everything away..
But I believe she retired long ago, and I am still taking one day at a time. I was very happy for the friends advise. He was being that "big brother" making sure I make the right decisions..

Spiritual Seeker

Stay or leave, that is the toughest decision. Sounds like you are thinking it through.
Best wishes as you make some hard choices.

ncdeac

Well there is life together on the "other side" of recovery as I like to call it. I don't know if someone can just arbitrarily say he will never learn or never get better, because they can recover. Like Spiritual Seeker said deciding to stay or leave is one of the hardest decisions you can make and all you can do is listen to your heart and your head. What do YOU want to do? What can YOU live with? What will make YOU happy? (Are you picking up on my theme here??) I decided to stay and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. But I do live with the knowledge that any day my life could be radically changed if my AH begins to use again. It's so difficult and all I can offer is the advice to take it slow and really listen to yourself. Don't make decisions on what you think you are supposed to do.

Mavis

Thank you. I have a tough time bc AH has been struggling with addiction since his teens. He was never clean when I met and married him. I have no idea who the guy really is, or what he is capable of. I have no memories of a good relationship...

mkchic

I am praying for you. I know how hard that it can be trying to figure out weather to stay or go. I know that you will make the best descision for you.

Lovestoomuch

Sadly, that was my case with my exabf. He had always been addicted to something and even when we got together he smoked a lot of pot. Crack is what did him in. I had to think a lot and my final thought was this. "Even if he does find recovery, there is always a chance for a relapse. Can I honestly go through this again?" The answer came pretty easy at that point.

The decision to stay or leave will be a personal one, but it's my belief if you do decide to stay, you need to prepare yourself for anything. That's not to say you need to constantly wait for the other shoe to drop, but know in the back of your mind.......you could be going through addict hell again and again till he gets it right......if ever.

notsleepingwell

I think you are longing for what everyone is longing for. And that is a wonderful relationship with someone. But you said yourself, you did not have that with AH !


Give yourself some time, you are feeling lonely now, and probably remembering the good times more than the bad. but you left for a reason.

You deserve a wonderful person in your life, not someone that perhaps will make it, and perhaps will not.

JMHO

NSW

Mavis

I am doing good for the fact that I know I do not have to make a decision right at this moment... but I struggle with Codie issues when I know AH is trying to lour me in with charm and I am aware of this and let him do it anyway. I know deep in my heart of what I want, and that is to be free of AH. I can honestly say that I KNOW that it will not work, and I do not have any more energy incase of another relapse.

What I don't know, is why I am letting him make the decisions? Why do I listen to him decide what is best for me? Why do "I" for some reason not take a stand and stick up for myself and tell him NO when that's all I really want to tell him? What is this Codie problem that I have? What makes me so weak at the knees and prevents me from telling this Man 9 year's older than me.... NO. I do not see us together???

Mavis

GOING WITH THE FLOW!!!

That's the word I was looking for! I for some stupid reason "Go with the flow" and stupidly believes that things will be o.k just because he tells me so. Even when I know differently.
*URGH*

Mavis

Hey.. look at me.. figuring out things all by myself. Just chatting it up Me and Me
Hey Who needs reply's... LOL
O.k Mavis, go have a Coffee.

Lovestoomuch

I call that an A Ha moment. lol

Lovestoomuch

When they talk to us like they know what is best for us I think we unknowingly think "hey.......they really do care about me" because that's what we want. I have been an unwilling participant in my ex's manipulation and taken it as an act of love. We know better in our heads, but our hearts are speaking a different language.

ebv

It's your life, do what you want, you can listen to what everyone says but it's your choice, my bf and I got back together afew weeks ago, I'd been hearing alot of bad things about him before that (now I'm not sure if I was told the truth about everything) he knows how I feel about meth and so far I havn't seen any signs of it, I can tell by talking to him on the phone if he's useing, he has been calling me every morning to say" have a good day and I love you" he's even starting working again !!! he's starting to be the wonderful guy he was when I met him, holds the doors for me, telling me I look nice etc. so if you really love him, the wait might be worth it, I've waited 21 years for this, as each day goes by I'm alittle bit happier but still scared for him, keep praying for yours and all of us here will be praying for the both of you.

hope213

just take it one day at a time. you don't have to make any final decisions today.hugs,hope

greeteachday

Good insight. Do you think it is possible that fear of not being loved or fear of being alone...not feeling real good about yourself or something similar may be some of the reason you go with the flow? I found working on me and my recovery and starting to pay attention to what I wanted rather than only going with what others wanted helped me to start building some self confidence, self knowledge and to begin to like myself a bit better. And when the negatives change to positives, there's a tendency for people around you to notice too and want to share in one's life. For me, it has been a series of baby steps that i am still taking. Some days my recovery tools are more firmly in place than others.

You're an awesome person! Now what wonderful thing are you going to do just for Mavis this weekend? Hugs

Mavis

I think you just hit the nail on the head Greet. You have made a good point hence my "Self esteem" post the other day. After today's post, I accually have picked up "Co-dependant No More" and started to read it again. I had an insight, and remembered my "List" I made to myself of all the things in life that would make me happy and reflected on that. I took my friends advise and stored it in my head. I have to remember what the situation between AH and I "IS" and not "could have been" or "what ifs" Today I live in the moment. And for myself tonight, I am taking responsibility and flipping through the bills I have not paid due to my situation and finally paying them tomorrow. I am now a responsible, head strong woman who is capable of anything and everything I want to do in life and no one will stop me.
*I may not be this way a few day's from now, but that's my recovery and I'm learning from all of my baby steps

greeteachday

Good for you!!!! If I may suggest...aside from paying bills how about painting your nails or dancing around the house in your undies singing at the top of your lungs, or a nice walk or an ice ream cone...or whatever little thing will make you smile and feel some joy....How about it?

BigSis

You have a wise friend with ample experience here.

Another slogan around the tables is ...

"Time takes Time"



Maybe you need time to work through your feelings. Time to be able to see your AH in true light. Time to reconcile what position you now have in life. Time to figure out what you want in the near future, a year from now, and five years from now.

There is no rush, Mavis. Addicts try to pressure us because they know time is not their friend. I hope you can continue to go slow, feel your feelings and figure out what is good... for you.

Meetings help me with that. If you aren't attending Alanon or Naranon or open AA meetings - what a great time to begin!

I wish you well.