can't stop crying

Old 06-21-2007, 08:51 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sugarpup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
can't stop crying

how does he hurt me so badly? passive-aggressive?, blaming?, threats?, i think it's all there, but right now i've cried so much tonight i can't figure it out logically at all, it just hurts so much, and so deep...

let me tell you some things he screamed at me tonight but first let me explain that he is able to because i allow him to come visit the kids on thurs and sundays as per our verbal agreement when we separated last year, and as you can imagine, he lets me have it before he leaves the house every thurs and sunday, but tonight was one of the worst...

he said, "it's been a year since you kicked me out and I feel like i've finally forgiven myself but everytime i see you I feel bad again, and i can't anymore.. I have to continue on a positive path for the children and to stay sober... i can't feel bad about anything anymore, i'm done.... i'm happpier without you in my life, I'm a better person without you too...i'm tired of trying and i'm tired of feeling bad.. i obviously was never able to make you happy so maybe someone else will some day..."

i feel sick. 10 years of marriage ends up like this? wait, 10 years of being married to an active alcoholic ends up like this??? yup, i guess so. i don't know who is a bigger a$$, him, or me for staying with him? or me for being so stung and hurt by him over and over again, whether drunk or sober (without a program, so dry drunk? right?) he has always hurt me... ugh.
sugarpup is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 09:03 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: small town, USA
Posts: 50
((((sugarpup))))

It's so not fair.
cautious is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 09:17 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Don't get undies in a bunch
 
best's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Verbal agreement void if his actions don't fit a respectable behavior.

That would be my thought.

His behavior is not something the children need see. His behavior is teaching them it is ok to be abusive to women.
If not for yourself... set some boundaries for your children.

As to what he said and what it really means...

When he says he feels fine till he is around you... he feels fine till he is reminded how much his actions towards you are wrong and rather then deal with his feelings and actions...can't be me so it must be someone else...you are the closest one he can blame and get away with it. Boundaries are needed.
His harsh words towards you are his feelings towards self that he won't accept.
Don't take them personal (yes harder done then said) but know that it is not you. It is not truth. It is alcoholic behaviors doing the talking.
Boudaries....
best is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 10:44 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Best has said it best.

I just wanted to add that saying those things does not sound like a happy person despite the words. It sounds like a very unhappy and angry person. His words are a reflection on himself not on you.

Welcome to SR, you will find much support, experience, strength, hope and wisdom here. Make yourself at home.

I would suggest reading the stickies at the tops of the forum for starters.

It's late but by tomorrow at this time you will have many new friends who understand and encourage and support you with love and honesty.
Live is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 02:12 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
mallowcup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think this happens alot. It's easier to face a new life than face the old one. If he can trick his brain into blaming you for who he was, as if to say, without you, look who he is now, his problems are all solved. It's pretty simple right? With you he drinks, without you, he doesn't. Ever notice it's always someone driving him to drink? Cough! It is ironic that he thinks you caused theis problem and he solved it. Dork!
Your life is the evidence of his little problem, not the cause of it.
At some point in his sobriety it's probably a good thing that he wants more out of life than visits. I think it ended a year ago for you and he's just getting up to speed.
I think we anticipate the hard part is always ahead of us and for you, maybe the hard part is over and you are just realizing that the whole thing is over. You ren't going back. The whole thing is gone and he did it. I'd try blaming you too because I wouldn't want to explain it or live with it either. I think these dumb excuses used to fly when he was drunk and his frustration is with himself because sober, he has to buy the poop he's selling and it doesn't work anymore.
I think some alcoholics deside to recover when they sense you leaving, getting fed up. They get sober when you hit the wall. Too late, it's over and that's what you had been warning every step of the way.
As far as the yelling and blaming and all that poop, maybe its time to get a formal visitation arrangement. This isn't working.
mallowcup is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 04:40 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
full of hope
 
chero's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Sugar, I'm so sorry you are going through this!

My first thought reading this is he is looking for an excuse to start drinking and looking to blame YOU AGAIN for everything! My AH gets like that when he is about to start up again and then hurts me by saying "i'm better off without you". HE WISHES!

I think Best is right...boundary time!

Stay strong!!
(((((SP)))))
chero is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 05:01 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sugarpup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
i'm just waking up and my eyes are so swollen and my mouth is dry, i look and feel awful...

but your posts made me feel better! THANK YOU! and i must get up and smile for the kids... it's so hard, when will i stop waking up and hoping it is all a terrible dream?

you are right though, best, boundaries... i am obviously not a strong person, well i never was a strong person until i had lots of therapy, read melody beattie and came here, then able to ask him to leave (which is when he "got sober") and now am divorcing him because i don't believe he is sober, and because if he is, he hasn't changed as a person: still uncaring, unloving, unpredictable, unreliable, unhelpful, untrustworthy, unemotional and unkind...

but, back to boundaries, how do i allow him to see the kids and not abuse me? do i have to let him see the kids? or if i say that, it will be like i'm using the kids as a lever in our problems, but i do want to protect them from his insanity... don't worry i have contacted my attorny my email this morning... i'll see what his legal advice is...

thanks for your emotional support and advice, i would feel all alone in this world of craziness if i didn't have this forum to see how "common" it is among those who live with A's...

xo
sugarpup is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 06:03 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
You summed it up well sugarpup...that's an awful lot of un's, but very acurate. I worry that if my AH does decide to get sober, he will remain an "un"happy person. You say you are not a strong person, just because you take his BS to heart...You sound to me like you are alot stronger than what you give yourself credit for. Take care of you and your kids...you are a strong, caring, lovable, reliable, emoitional (feeling) person who deserves the same in return. Hang in there and here...it will get better.
theotherone is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 06:39 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Nickel
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 3
It is certainly easier to blame someone for the problem than to accept the problem as your own. Sounds like this is where he is.

Draw your line and stick to it (I know, easier said than done). You don't deserve this.

Look to your future, I'm sure it will be better. Hang in there and keep practicing holding that line in position.
Nickel is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 06:45 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
let it grow!
 
parentrecovers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hugs to you, sugarpup. you deserve to be happy. blessings, k
parentrecovers is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 07:08 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
CE Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
but, back to boundaries, how do i allow him to see the kids and not abuse me? do i have to let him see the kids?
I'm not an attorney, so its good your seeking their advice,,

I do have some thoughts though.

Does he need to see the kids at your home?

He needs to know his actions are unacceptable. Your BOUNDARY is if he starts speaking to you in that tone, he will hav eto leave YOUR home. No discussion. if he refuses you will have him removed.

Short and simple

I simply refuse to listen to the abuse

(((((((((SugarPup))))))))

What are you doing for you today?

Peace
CE Girl is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 07:56 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
The kids could be dropped off at a 3rd party, grandparent or aunts. MY next concern would be is he bad mouthing u to the kids. This is all to common but very destructive. If that is the case then supervised visitation may be in order. He may not be drinking but he is certainly not in recovery. Take care.....
reader is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 08:35 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Recovering Nicely
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Sugarpup,

I have not read your other posts, but just curiously, by him saying that to you, how do you consider that abusive? The way I'm reading it is that he's just stating what he feels, and if you no longer care about him and want to divorce him, what do you care anyway? And as Liveweyred says: His words are a reflection on himself not on you.

If I'm missing something, will someone please fill me in. Thanks.
QT
queenteree is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 08:45 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
denny57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I read it that he was screaming. Verbal abuse is abuse.
denny57 is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 09:12 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hem-sober.html

The above link is from a post by passion.
It has been invaluable to me and I have printed section, highlight and read repeatedly.

I know the pain you are feeling- it is the complete and utter loss of control over the behavior of someone who USE to treat you right. Accepting this is incredibly difficult and painful.
HKAngel24 is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 09:26 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Sugarpup, if he hurts you so badly over and over, you need to come up with a different arrangement for him to see the kids. He does not need to come to your house and trample all over you. Let him find a neutral location and stop allowing this abuse in your house.
an'ka is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:02 PM.