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I owe you all an apology

Old 06-21-2007, 03:16 PM
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I owe you all an apology

I have to admit. I got very angry and aggravated at some of the responses I was getting to my court thread.
For no other reason than I felt noone was undrestanding why I was making my decision and supporting me on it.
I felt like I should feel. Ashamed and sorry.
Every one of the responses were good advice and were the right thing to do.
And it was support..just not the kind I was looking for.
Which was backing me up to basicaly lie.
This board and everyone here has been my salvation from the day I found this place.
And I am ashamed that I felt those feelings toward what WAS support and good advice.
It just wasnt what I wanted to hear.
Thats my fault.

I have been depressed all day and feeling bad that I felt those feelings toward the ones who have been there for me.
Although my decision still stands..I do apologise to all of you.
Whether you knew or not.
I have to be honest about how I felt and that I am sorry for doing so.
Well..Off I go to see what is going to happen to me.
I know I will be back today.
Just needed to clear my thoughts with all of you.
Because I have mad love for all of you and I was being selfish and immature in my thoughts and feelings.
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Old 06-21-2007, 03:19 PM
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good luck Chiy !

see you later when you get back
(and thanks for the koalas !)
D
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Old 06-21-2007, 03:39 PM
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i love you, but you already know that..the day i joined SR you said something i still repeat after 3 months..wow, what a blessing is SR...but you said..you are the only one who can let them get you down. believe me, that has been my moto lately!

(((chiy)))

whatever happens..we will be here....but friends tell the truth...real ones do, but they tell you the truth and they hold your hand through troubles...stay strong, my cyber friend...!

p.s...what chance said is true..no judgement....your life is yours..

Last edited by Alive; 06-21-2007 at 04:09 PM.
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Old 06-21-2007, 03:55 PM
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I guess I will be the hard *** and tell you more of what you don't want to hear.

You can tell us you are sorry for things. There will come a day that you will need do the same for yourself. Forgiving others and asking for forgiveness from others is easy, even when done right compared to forgiving self.... forgiving ourself seems to be where most of us run into problems.
Think on what you want to do before you do it. The forgiveness you save yourself from...may be your own.
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Old 06-21-2007, 04:00 PM
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Chiy

One thing I do know is that everyone has a Program that works for them. I know that through working the steps there are some things in which I can not come completely clean although if I can remain anonymous in doing some of my amends than that is wonderful. I have done some things that would probably put me behind bars for a long time. Now why would a guy that did those things turn himself in?

Let's face it, I probably owe more amends through finance, stealing, etc. than a normal addict however one of those amends that I try my best to do is not repeat those same things. Not always easy either. I have made a list of the ones that I have harmed...I even need to send Walley World a money order by a anonymous name for crap that I stole. But I am making up for my stuff and that is all that counts.

No one can tell you to tell on yourself. That might not be too wise.....Only you can make that decision and no one here should judge you on whatever decision you make. I surely can't. Just keep coming back.
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Old 06-21-2007, 04:03 PM
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I wish you all the best today chiy.Thinking of you,

Rose xox
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Old 06-21-2007, 04:10 PM
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babe, we are only trying to get you to work the steps correctly. I know this isnt an AA forum, but we DO support it highly! The thing is, is I think, as some others do....that it would be in YOUR best interest to come clean and not have the guilt. It's all a part of clearing your past, and moving on to a better way of life. .......A nice clean slate, if you will.
I will always be here if you ever need an ear. Not sure if I would have the advice you're looking for, but I will tell you what I think.
I think that honesty is a very important aspect for achieving sobriety. I'm working on that myself. Hugs!!
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Old 06-21-2007, 04:19 PM
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trun it over chi..

throw away that guilt and shame crap too.
it's not good for you. You don't have suffer
anymore. Just face every and recover.

i never got a court card. But they freaken
ran my record after a year I was clean.
I went to court 3 freaken times when it all
happened at first..but they told me it was
drop..what do you know they put me on
probation for 3 three years...
well whoopie freaken due..all I had to do
was follow the law, be a good citizen, and
be home by mid night...
well gee whizz man isn't that what normal people do ??
It didn't bother me a bit..i had a family and settle
down anyways. They only gave 1 drug test..
imagine that...??? like i said the cops was waiting
for me when I got arrested..i think they were
wacthing me anyways after I got clean..

Becuase my PO told me he wanted the strangle
the sheit out of me for like six months before they
ever arrested me.
I call my PO everyday for months and he would tell
me ..why the hell i was bother him.??
People know when your messing around or not..lol
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Old 06-21-2007, 04:21 PM
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(((((chiynita)))))
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Old 06-21-2007, 04:36 PM
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There were many times id touch the hot burner
so to speak and get burned more times than i care
to remember. What that means....everytime i did
something or said something that wasnt right then
id have to go back and correct it or make an amends....

Then when over time i began to get sick and tired
of getting my hand burnt that i stopped before i
touched it and would think...hmmmm if i do that one
more time...i will get my hand burned and it definitely
hurts....im tired of it....im tired of getting the same
results each time i touched the burner, or said something
i shouldnt have....

Why cant i just keep my mouth shut sometimes....or just
cut my tongue out or lose my voice....anything....

Today its all about progress instead of perfection....

i know i am only human and i will make mistakes....but...
i can avoid the painful consequences if i think before i
act......

So today my hands are scared yet useable and useful....
all because i stopped putting them on the hot burner.
So to speak....if that makes sense....

Dont beat urself over things...im a slow learner and
today i remain teachable....

You can be too.
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Old 06-21-2007, 04:41 PM
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Chi,

I am SO happy to read this post.

You couldn't see how much love was written into all the words that we posted to you. I think you were too afraid and angry. I am so glad that you are now able to look at the situation and to know that everyone was trying to give you their best advice.

I wish you well today and hope to hear from you about what happened.
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Old 06-21-2007, 04:43 PM
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I owe you a big hug ((((((chiy))))))
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Old 06-21-2007, 05:02 PM
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Ok..Now you guys got me tearing up.
I did alot of thinking today.
Alot of inventory of myself and past related events and where they led.
Alot of thinking of how my decision is going to affect me later on.
I want to come clean...but cant find the courage to do so.
But then I really dont because I am almost positive I dont have to.
In other words they do not have evidence.
That is what I am struggling with.
Do I tell on myself for nothing..or stand my ground and more than likely walk away free.
It's hard.
I do want a clear conscience. But I dont want this affecting my future.
With the new job..my recovery..my reputation and my integrity.
I did wrong. But some people just dont have sympathy for the circumastances I was under.
Meaning the job people.
Still doent make it right.
I have alot more thinking to do.
It was no big deal tonight. Just asked for a public defender and have to go back at a later date.
I did not make a plea yet.
I will just need to think alot and get some legal advice and see where I go from there.
I appreciate all of you.
And even tho I may not like what I hear sometimes.
I am always willing to hear the good..the bad ..and the ugly.
I just gotta really look into and pay attention to what is really being said.
You know me...Reaction is my first defense.
I found a therapist finally that specialises in substance abuse.
I go see him Tues.
I think that will help me alot too.
Thank you all for being unconditional and so accepting.
I really need that in my life right now.
Lots of love.
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Old 06-21-2007, 05:07 PM
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You know Chi, it will be hard to make a decision.

What makes me feel good right now, is that you see that your friends here were giving you their best advice. You thought we were against you and now you see that we weren't. You have obviously done a lot of thinking about this and this is a growing experience for you. However it turns out, you have grown and learned and will continue to grow and learn through this situation.
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Old 06-21-2007, 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
I will just need to think alot and get some legal advice and see where I go from there.
You could find that you can do the right thing and not have charges brought against you. Everyone wins when such things happen. (if you learned from your mistake)
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Old 06-21-2007, 05:39 PM
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well U see that's the thing...I knew what I did wrong.
Even when nobody knew...the damn headlights broke..lol

anyway that's why I work the 12 steps..so i can
rest my head and sleep like a baby..

okay i don't let people rent space in my head..
that's half of it...The other half is I live
in my own head..lol

and working step #8 and #9 sucks big time..
so I kinda of mininize my shortcomings.
And my short comings is like driving with a flat tire.
The damn flat tire is my damn consciense. and i react
all stupid to my conscience.

Okay..but I'm one of those people that have that
screw guilt stuff down pack...
but that's why I freaken sprang my angles and crap
like that..lmao
karma..or the goodlord just loves me so much bringing
out the best in me...I don't know.

but i can't get away with nothing !!
I used up all my E ride tickets

To be honest with you..i didn't wanna stop using either.
but i don't know..something kind of took over my life
without my permission. # 3's..that just for me to be
aware of that..lol
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Old 06-21-2007, 06:06 PM
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The famouse page 449..
well it is the part that a lot of people don't say
or can't relate to...but I'm special..lmao
it starts on the bottom of the page or starts on page 448..

" okay god...it is true that I-of all people, strange as
it may seem, and even thou i didn't give my permission
-really, really am an alcoholic of sorts..lol
And that's all right by me.
Now, what I'm i going to do about it ?
When I stop living in the problem and begin to live
in the answer the problem went away.
From that moment on I have not had a single complusion
to drink"
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Old 06-21-2007, 06:21 PM
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Hey Trish,

Was looking for you today and was concerned - I'm glad you're here with us and that you're being more open-minded about the whole thing. I care about you very much and risked telling you the truth because of this.

Lynn xoxoxo
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