going backwards?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 112
going backwards?
Hi everyone, this is my first post on the forum although I have been reading for awhile and think you are all very insightful!
I am kind of perplexed by my current situation and am wondering if anyone else out there has found themselves in a similar boat and tried what I am thinking of trying. I have been with my ABF for about a year and a half and he has been in recovery almost as long. During this time we have both attended meetings and made a lot of progress. I do truly love him. But, there is something that has been bugging me lately and it has to do with finances. We live together (in his house) and I think both of us have some room to improve as far as managing money goes. But I came into the relationship without any debt, and he came into it with huge amounts of debt that he accrued during his divorce and the subsequent year he spent drinking and entertaining female "friends." We have a really hard time making ends meet. I have undoubtedly enabled his financial irresponsibility, as have his parents and employer. I haven't been able to buy a lot of things for myself since we have been together. So what do I do? I don't want to pay towards his bills anymore. I would like for him to dig himself out of this mess on his own, but I don't want us to split up. Has anyone ever lived with someone then spent some time in separate residences and still kept the relationship going? I feel like it would be going backwards, but might also help us both learn how to be more financially responsible on our own. Any advice would be appreciated!
I am kind of perplexed by my current situation and am wondering if anyone else out there has found themselves in a similar boat and tried what I am thinking of trying. I have been with my ABF for about a year and a half and he has been in recovery almost as long. During this time we have both attended meetings and made a lot of progress. I do truly love him. But, there is something that has been bugging me lately and it has to do with finances. We live together (in his house) and I think both of us have some room to improve as far as managing money goes. But I came into the relationship without any debt, and he came into it with huge amounts of debt that he accrued during his divorce and the subsequent year he spent drinking and entertaining female "friends." We have a really hard time making ends meet. I have undoubtedly enabled his financial irresponsibility, as have his parents and employer. I haven't been able to buy a lot of things for myself since we have been together. So what do I do? I don't want to pay towards his bills anymore. I would like for him to dig himself out of this mess on his own, but I don't want us to split up. Has anyone ever lived with someone then spent some time in separate residences and still kept the relationship going? I feel like it would be going backwards, but might also help us both learn how to be more financially responsible on our own. Any advice would be appreciated!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
In sobriety/recovery, I have lived with another recovering person, i.e. boyfriend. The only time it really worked is when we had separate financial deals. He gave me so much a month on his part of the bills/house payment etc. Seemed to work ok. I am the one that had the huge debt, but I never asked anyone to help me get out of it.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
is there any way you could voice your concerns to him? tell him why you don't want to pay for things that are his responsibility? if he's in recovery, he should understand this is his own mess that he should be taking full responsibility for.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Hey QU31,,,,Welcome to the Forums 
Yup, right up my alley,,,lol
I lived with my AB for a year in his house. Paid all the bills too. For excatly the same reasons, his finacial house was a MESS. That and the fact he was divorced with 5 kids he was paying child support for
Paying through the nose,,,
I kept my house 125 miles away on my island
He never bought me dinner once
He came to the island twice, both times complaining how he had used his last $.50 to pay the toll. And Gas was the money he was suppose to live on during the week.
When I lived with him, i bought the coffee even. Hell, in addtion to "helping" him with his bills, I "lent" him $20 here, $40 there, you get the pic,,,
Come to think of it, he neer paid for ANYTHING,,,,
For me, the solution was to go back to my house on the island, before I had to declare bankruptcy!!!
Can you say SUGAR MAMA?!?!?!??!?!
I want a me LOL
Today, he is almost without his vehicle (gonna be repo'd any day now), has no phone, cable, and his electric is about to be shut off. And his landlord is making him pay his rent weekly, which he missed the last 2 weeks of. I'd say a roof over his head is shaky at best.
Honestly, the best advice I was given. Let him fall.
Have you talked to him about it? Told him you want to renegotiate the finances?
Keep posting,,others will be along far wiser than me,,,he,he,he
Peace
Yup, right up my alley,,,lol
I lived with my AB for a year in his house. Paid all the bills too. For excatly the same reasons, his finacial house was a MESS. That and the fact he was divorced with 5 kids he was paying child support for
Paying through the nose,,,I kept my house 125 miles away on my island
He never bought me dinner once
He came to the island twice, both times complaining how he had used his last $.50 to pay the toll. And Gas was the money he was suppose to live on during the week.
When I lived with him, i bought the coffee even. Hell, in addtion to "helping" him with his bills, I "lent" him $20 here, $40 there, you get the pic,,,
Come to think of it, he neer paid for ANYTHING,,,,
For me, the solution was to go back to my house on the island, before I had to declare bankruptcy!!!
Can you say SUGAR MAMA?!?!?!??!?!
I want a me LOL
Today, he is almost without his vehicle (gonna be repo'd any day now), has no phone, cable, and his electric is about to be shut off. And his landlord is making him pay his rent weekly, which he missed the last 2 weeks of. I'd say a roof over his head is shaky at best.
Honestly, the best advice I was given. Let him fall.
Have you talked to him about it? Told him you want to renegotiate the finances?
Keep posting,,others will be along far wiser than me,,,he,he,he
Peace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 112
Hey everyone, thanks for all the good responses. And yes, we talk about it ALL the time, have come up with several different options (all my ideas of course). He does put all of his money toward the household bills too. But we still don't seem have enough and then he gets sooooo stressed out. I guess I'm just tired of trying to come up with solutions and also dealing with his panic attacks when bill time comes. Yesterday I proposed I give him a set amount each month for household expenses only and then he has to manage it. I think I'll have fewer resentments about paying his debt that way. I just don't know if he can do it, so I guess I'll just keep my expectations low! Thanks!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 84
What's wrong with going backwards if that's what's right for you? Sounds like the tension in the house and your growing resentment aren't exactly helping the relationship. Maybe if you took a step back that would be just the thing to allow him to take care of his own mess. That is one of the things we are supposed to do for the alcoholic, give them the dignity to do it for themselves. He doesn't need you to bail him out. If he is having trouble seeing that, then maybe you stepping away is just the best thing for both you. I really don't know what the answer is but thought I would throw that out there. Only really good advice I can give is ask God to help you find the answer. That's what all my al-anon buddies tell me when I am confused. They always say..."Pray about it" (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hi there, and welcome.
I have always run a "joint" account with minimal overdraft for the house. Each pays in an equitable amount to cover mortgage/rent and bills. With one ex, it was split in a ratio because he was earning a lot more than me. With my recent ex, it was split qqually because we were earning the same, and I now share with my bro and it it is split equally, because I ain't subbing anyone any more and neither are they me.
Anyone else's bills are not my responsibility. Not to pay them, npr to work out how to pay them. Can you afford your share on what you earn?
I have always run a "joint" account with minimal overdraft for the house. Each pays in an equitable amount to cover mortgage/rent and bills. With one ex, it was split in a ratio because he was earning a lot more than me. With my recent ex, it was split qqually because we were earning the same, and I now share with my bro and it it is split equally, because I ain't subbing anyone any more and neither are they me.
Anyone else's bills are not my responsibility. Not to pay them, npr to work out how to pay them. Can you afford your share on what you earn?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
Hi QU, welcome
well, this is how it goes here and i can tell you finances is something we rarely fight about (although as things are progressing here) i will admit that it is getting to be more of an issue with ah.
we have completely seperate bank accounts. we split the bills. we split groceries. in a nut shell, we pretty much divide everything in half. if we go out sometimes he pays, sometimes i pay (again more of an issue with him not wanting to pay now)
so pretty much everything divided in half and no fights or arguements about how either of us spend our money.
i do run into a problem with him being a construction worker and off in the winter. he runs low on money and i will admit i have to pick up more of the responsibility in the winter.
he is on my health insurance i have a better plan - when he doesn't work enough hours to be covered on his.
now that we are married though, both our names are on the deed to the house, so ah being active in his disease, it is making it difficult for me to leave the house or get him to leave, because we both own the house. i'd almost be tempted to have only my name on the deed if i go through this again because then if he doesn't meet his responsibilities i could kick him out.
gosh, i don't know if this helped, but basically suggesting you divide the household expenses, seperate accounts, and he is responsible for his stuff and you are responsible for yours as an option.
well, this is how it goes here and i can tell you finances is something we rarely fight about (although as things are progressing here) i will admit that it is getting to be more of an issue with ah.
we have completely seperate bank accounts. we split the bills. we split groceries. in a nut shell, we pretty much divide everything in half. if we go out sometimes he pays, sometimes i pay (again more of an issue with him not wanting to pay now)
so pretty much everything divided in half and no fights or arguements about how either of us spend our money.
i do run into a problem with him being a construction worker and off in the winter. he runs low on money and i will admit i have to pick up more of the responsibility in the winter.
he is on my health insurance i have a better plan - when he doesn't work enough hours to be covered on his.
now that we are married though, both our names are on the deed to the house, so ah being active in his disease, it is making it difficult for me to leave the house or get him to leave, because we both own the house. i'd almost be tempted to have only my name on the deed if i go through this again because then if he doesn't meet his responsibilities i could kick him out.
gosh, i don't know if this helped, but basically suggesting you divide the household expenses, seperate accounts, and he is responsible for his stuff and you are responsible for yours as an option.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Yes, yes yes, i know what you mean, don't do it, read my postings and you'll see i'm $12,000 in my name because of my bf, took out a loan and now wants nothing to do with me during his recovery. My only saving grace is that i have a promisery note but you can't get blood from a stone. Beware....i don't know what will happen but it's better to go slow, i didn't 
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: small town, USA
Posts: 50
a little off-topic
I don't mean to undermine your question or the other responses, but please be aware of one point of law in many states. If you are not on the deed (for owners) or lease (for renters), you are considered a guest and can be thrown out for absolutely no reason in as few as three days. And it doesn't matter whether you've been paying the bills.
Okay, back to the topic at hand. . .
Okay, back to the topic at hand. . .
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, I'm glad you're here. I can understand that you're tired of paying his bills. Been there, done that with my exAH. However, you are thinking about giving him a set amount of $$ each month for household expenses which he is responsible for managing. This sounds to me like giving an allowance to a youngster. This is a full-grown man who messed up his own finances. Perhaps you should consider letting him fix his own financial mess. My ex drained me of quite a few dollars due to my "helping" him out. However, I kept every single thing that was mine in my own name. When I walked, I wasn't encumbered any longer with his massive debts, thank goodness.
If his financial problems are that bad, suggest he go to a debt consolidator. His financial problems are affecting your own financial well-being. I hope you will seriously consider letting him figure out his own finances and use your hard-earned money to enjoy things for yourself.
If his financial problems are that bad, suggest he go to a debt consolidator. His financial problems are affecting your own financial well-being. I hope you will seriously consider letting him figure out his own finances and use your hard-earned money to enjoy things for yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by cautious 
I don't mean to undermine your question or the other responses, but please be aware of one point of law in many states. If you are not on the deed (for owners) or lease (for renters), you are considered a guest and can be thrown out for absolutely no reason in as few as three days. And it doesn't matter whether you've been paying the bills.
Okay, back to the topic at hand. . .
Okay, back to the topic at hand. . .
I own the home my ah is staying in (house in my name, not his). I would have to evict him and that takes at least 30 days. That is his residence and legally I cannot just boot him out. If I changed the locks he would have a legal right to break the door down right in front of the police if he wanted. You can't arrest someone for breaking into their own place of residence.
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