duet_4-8

This is long, but I felt led to share it.....

I pulled out the journal I was keeping last summer, and I thought maybe I could encourage someone who is feeling like nothing ever gets better by sharing some of it, by showing someone who doesn't understand what we 'codies' mean by hitting our bottom.

For background, this was written beginning a few days after my son and daughter-in-law suffered the loss of her first pregnancy one year ago.....and in the midst of it I put my daddy in the hospital for the final time. He died in hospice in mid-August; I took care of him all those weeks while exah whined and complained about how horrible his life was......

"......the loss of the baby has been the most difficult thing of all for me. I was so surprised and so happy for them, but so many emotions welled up inside of me that I didn't expect. I watched her glow, and saw how proud and happy (son) was, and how sweet he is to her, how gentle and caring. It really drove home the reality of how (exah) treated me during my pregnancies. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past and I didn't mean to-it just rushed up inside of me. It caught me off guard that those old wounds are still so easily opened. Watching (son) as a husband really shows me what a terrible husband (exah) has been.

My marriage is still so dead. Will it ever be any different? I'm tired of being alone all the time. I'm tired of the lies and the drugs. Is it so wrong for me to want a normal life, some peace? I don't think I have the strength to raise another little boy married, but alone. (youngest son) is starting to see and question. I can tell by some of the things he says.

Am I going crazy? I don't know who I am anymore-life seems very surreal at times. I feel like a really bad mother right now for some reason . I don't have the energy I need for (youngest son). I feel like I just let him down.

God, I don't want (exah) to come home. I know that is not a kind thing for me to say-I'm really sorry that I feel this way. I wish I missed him-I just don't. I look around at all the stuff we have-none of it means anything. I would trade it all for some peace of mind. I listen to (exah) and watch how he acts with the boys and it breaks my heart.

God, what am I supposed to do? I am so miserable. I want to be free of (exah) so very much. I'm so tired of this. Another phone call about (exah) being at the bar with some woman hanging all over him. I can't stand this anymore. I feel like I'm losing my grip. I'm not sure I've felt this way before. I'm getting desperate to get away from (exah). I can't be a good mom to (youngest son) in this mental condition.

Please God let me out of this marriage. I can't believe anything (exah) says because he lies all the time about everything-even things that don't even matter. I'm sick of being jarred awake in the middle of the night to be told how badly I treat (exah). I don't think he even knows truth from lies anymore, if he ever did. I am so sick of all the 'let me do this...', the 'can I help you honey' only to have him 'run to Walmart' and not come home until the next morning. Does he honestly think that loading the dishwasher once in awhile or folding a few towels gives him license to stay smashed all the time?

We've lost the business, he's lost the respect of his sons, and he is about to lose me as well. What will it take to open his eyes....will they ever be opened....."

Sadly, the answer to that last question is still no. But for the rest of us, things started looking up. I finally 'got it'. Read on....

"EXAH was (is) in deep denial about his addiction and abusiveness and he has no intention of changing. He insists it is all my fault. I am absolutely powerless over his choices. He has repeatedly abused all of us and although I can make the choice to forgive him, I don't have to choose to continue to trust him. It isn't wise to put my trust in someone who has proved over and over that he is not trustworthy. Continuing to trust him is not only foolish and unwise, it is unsafe...."

...and that was the beginning of a new life for me and my kids. It hasn't always been easy, but it has always been worth it!

Thanks be to my God, Who guided me faithfully this last year even when I didn't know where I was going and Who held me together and Who continues to show me that the decisions I have made to protect myself and my family, although perhaps a little late in coming, were the right ones.

funkzter

((Duet))

Thanks for sharing this, it is really meaningful and shows how important it is to sometimes look where we stand vs where we used to stand and one thing we can see from the post is: you are in such a better position today and can be proud of you to have made the hard decision that allows you to a new beginning.

Wishing you all the best to your new heatly path

xx
Carine

aloneinside

Thanks for the post. It is a hard and wonderful reality to hear what you have been through as i was there and waiting for teh sign, ro the moment. Yet all along it was there I just had to find the strength to make my daughter and my life better.

We to are healthier and happier today. XAH still here and still unaware (on some days) of all that he has caused and i allowed. I am slowly realizing that he too will never be aware of all the hurt he has caused.

You are very strong and I am so happy that you are on a better path.

Alone

Lithloren

(((Dearest Duet))),

Thank you for taking the time to post your story and sharing your wisdom. The above quote really hit home.

Lithloren

Elana

thank you.
My bottom was 8 months ago.. and I sort of skipped along down there awhile.. and now I considerably higher.. have had many a gulp of fresh air and sunshine.

It is amazing how much better life can be.